honeybeez Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I'm really struggling cos my partner of 2 yrs has to go and visit an ex girlfriend (Barbara) from his dim and distant past (he's 64, I'm 54). Complicated story but in a nutshell it's this.... Barbara (who was already an ex of his) bought his house from him when he and another girlfriend (Jacky) split up and he left quite a bit of furniture there as Barbara and her husband had hardly anything at the time, and he didn't have a house to go to immediately. 20 years have gone by and he found out that Barbara and her husband have recently split up, the house is being sold so he's going to pick up his stuff in the next week or so. It’s quite a long journey and there’s no room in the car for me with all his stuff so no way I could go with him, even if I wanted to What's eating me up is...... After being able to last up to an hour during sex, sometimes longer, my partner has suffered from impotence for about 4 yrs. This means that our sex life consists of lots of work from me before he gets an erection then intercourse that only lasts about a minute, so we have to rely on other methods to satisfy each other, and he acts as though that's enough, but it's really just a compromise for me. He managed great sex with me for the first three weeks then he got viagra which he rationed out (which became a nightmare) when we were in the honeymoon period. It ran out a year ago but he says he can't afford more and won't take up my offer to pay. He accepts it as part of getting older but I feel short changed. He says he wants sex all the time but he's just getting old and can't do it. I agonise over it being something to do with me, or something I do wrong, though he reassured me that it's not me, that it's his problem which started in his 50's, long before he knew me. (No medical reason by the way - he's had the tests). But I can't quite get over the idea that if I were prettier, more curvy, shorter (he's shorter than me), more accomplished etc etc etc then he'd be able to make love to me properly He went out with Barbara about 30 years ago (he's had many, many girlfriends, I know I’m just the most recent in a long line) and during a conversation that I initiated a couple of months ago to try and get him to understand how I feel, I asked him if he used to have sex in different places (at the start we did it on the sofa too but now only in bed, if I try it anywhere else he turns me down. He hardly moves off his back or side). He said yes of course, in fact when he was with Barbara they did it in every room in her house, even the attic - and she especially liked it on the kitchen table! I said I'd thought that's how it would be for me if I was with anyone again but he sadly said he can't do that any more and I need someone younger if that's what I want I thought OMG I was actually in her kitchen once - I must have stood next to the actual table he made love to her on. And I thought what did she have that I don't have? And now he has to go to her house to pick up his stuff. They've stayed friends (as he has with most of his ex's) but I'm tortured by the idea that when he sees her he'll remember how sex was with her and realise that she's really the type of woman who turns him on - she's short with big boobs and has a very accomplished career, kind of exactly opposite to me. And that he'll decide to finish with me. I wish I didn’t feel like this, it’s awful. They say you get more confident as you get older but it doesn’t seem to be happening for me. How do I get through this?
iJester Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I seriously doubt he's going to get there and just decided to stay, though stranger things have happened. I don't think that seeing an old flame will suddenly reinvigorate his body and make him physically perform better. At this point in his life, that is a physiological problem, not a mental one. Is there some arrangement you could work out, where you can have no strings sex with someone, so you can get your rocks off or would that not work for you?
FeelingSmall Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 It's tough, my boyfriend is flying to Europe this weekend to visit family, and will be making a stop to see his ex who he's good friends with. I love him and trust him, though yes it bothers me a bit. Do you have any real reason to think he'll stray? I seriously doubt it unless there's more to this. He still is having sex with you. He may not have as easy a time as in the past but that's nothing to do with you. Go out and buy the viagra anyway! Get yours! Just remember, this isn't a "Just for fun" trip, there's a goal. He needs to get his belongings. Honestly the various places to have sex... Personally I have a bad back. I like the comfy bed, a hard table? Sounds painful. Try spicing things up, bring in some porn, role play, turn the "work" into fun for YOU too.
Author honeybeez Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Thanks for the thoughts.... It does cross my mind that when he sees her he might be turned on by her because he says that it was the excitement when we were first having sex that meant he could last longer - though tbh I think he already had some viagra because at the weekends he lasted AGES but in the week he couldn't even get an erection! He denied it of course and said it was the novelty of someone new! That's one worry But really it's a more general worry - that he'll look at her and realise that she's his TYPE and that I'm not. I really have absolutely no idea what he sees in me. He made me feel so special for the first few months but now it's like I'm part of the furniture. I don't feel he even really looks at me. He's very content and comfortable and loves his routine where I like passion and am much more impulsive and get bored more easily I've been asked out by someone and had some guys come on to me for sex, one guy my age and one 20 years younger than me, but I couldn't do that to him so I turned them down, I would hate it if he had sex with someone else, that would be awful We discussed getting viagra off the internet but decided against it because it's too risky, you never know what's in it so the safe way is with a prescription which he has to get, but it takes him so long to do anything after first thinking about it I could still be waiting in ten years time lol! He keeps putting it off - what he implies he's waiting for now is for it to get cheaper next year. tbh when he did take them, after the first 4 months when he took one pretty regularly, it was constantly me asking him to take one at weekends and him trying to ration them out and make them last longer, so even then I was frustrated He's always given me the impression that he thinks it's just a matter of time before I leave him for somebody younger I wish he'd just do what I WANT lol !!!!!!!! :laugh:
Recommended Posts