Torninpices Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 My husband had an affair with a co worker which I have known for a long time. She even no's my kids. His affair with her was almost 2 years ago and he broke it off but I just found out 4 days ago. I ask for her email which he gave to me. Is it better for me to leave it or confont it. She's also married and would like her life to be as bad as mine right now. But what's the right way to go?
John Michael Kane Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 My husband had an affair with a co worker which I have known for a long time. She even no's my kids. His affair with her was almost 2 years ago and he broke it off but I just found out 4 days ago. I ask for her email which he gave to me. Is it better for me to leave it or confont it. She's also married and would like her life to be as bad as mine right now. But what's the right way to go? Is he still working with her? If so then the affair never stopped. Actually if he says this stopped two years ago he probably cheated on you with another person or probably with her some more. Either way he probably cheated on you some more since then. Contacting her will only make you feel worse. You should tell her husband then divorce your husband.
PhoenixRise Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 My husband had an affair with a co worker which I have known for a long time. She even no's my kids. His affair with her was almost 2 years ago and he broke it off but I just found out 4 days ago. I ask for her email which he gave to me. Is it better for me to leave it or confont it. She's also married and would like her life to be as bad as mine right now. But what's the right way to go? You should do whatever you think will help you to heal. I spoke to my H's FOW on more than one occasion. I have never regretted it. If you decide to talk to her just be ready for anything and be prepared to take everything with a grain of salt. Some OW will speak with you and tell you the truth As They Know IT and some will lie to protect themselves or the WS. It doesn't matter that the affair was almost 2 years ago it is new to you and you are entitled to react as if it just ended yesterday. If you want to tell her husband, tell her husband. Whatever you do, take good care of yourself.
mzdolphin Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 My husband had an affair with a co worker which I have known for a long time. She even no's my kids. His affair with her was almost 2 years ago and he broke it off but I just found out 4 days ago. I ask for her email which he gave to me. Is it better for me to leave it or confont it. She's also married and would like her life to be as bad as mine right now. But what's the right way to go? You have to ask yourself what you hope to gain. Information to use in a divorce? In most states that doesn't even matter. Trying to verify his statements? Ok perhaps that's a reason. Worried about your sexual health? There are tests for that. If you want to be vindictive, be careful. You don't know this woman or what she is capable of. Once you talk to her then you have really invited her into your life. Are you ready for that? How did you just find out? I mean did he just up and tell you? If not, and he's still working there, they did not end things two years ago.
alexandria35 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 You have to ask yourself what you hope to gain. Information to use in a divorce? In most states that doesn't even matter. Trying to verify his statements? Ok perhaps that's a reason. Worried about your sexual health? There are tests for that. If you want to be vindictive, be careful. You don't know this woman or what she is capable of. Once you talk to her then you have really invited her into your life. Are you ready for that? How did you just find out? I mean did he just up and tell you? If not, and he's still working there, they did not end things two years ago. Actually her husband is the one who invited the OW into her life. Torn didn't get a say in that. I would say you should do whatever you think is going to help you. If you want to talk the OW then do so, but be on alert because she is going to lie to you because she is also married and will want to protect herself. Why do want to talk to her. Is it to compare her story to his? to hear her reasons and excuses for her behavior? or just to let her know that you know? If you call her be prepared with what you want to ask her but know that the call could go in any number of directions and you might not feel any better.
Spark1111 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 You do whatever you think will help you heal from it I tried to contact her on her cell phone, and she never responded. I let it go. Over two years later, she must have grown bored in her relationship, and she broke No Contact to basically see if he would be interested in re-initiating the affair. He told me immediately and I called her direct line at work where she could not avoid my calls. I told her I did not wish her any harm, but to stay the hell away from us...that every woman in their workplace (he transferred a few months later) knew or suspected the inappropriateness of their relationship, and to be very careful here. Honestly? I found it incredibly empowering. Why? Because I discovered she was nothing like me and that she could no longer hold onto the illusion that I was the little wifey who's man kept secrets from her anymore.....or that he returned out of some sense of obligation. I became a real living breathing bleeding in pain REAL person to her. I also discovered she was crazy, unstable and a drama queen, but that is in another thread somewhere.... Call her if you want to. Just do not attache ANY signifigance to the outcome. Out of respect, I left her alone. Unfortunately, she did not respect me enough to do the same:eek: .....until we spoke. I would also inform your husband that if there is either intentional or accidental contact between them and you are not informed immediately, you are walking out the door. Her first knee-jerk response was to call him at work. He listened and he told me immediately.
Mimolicious Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 explain to her husband show it no one deserves to be lied on or cheated on. its your place to tell him he will be your ally in this and possibly a friend. Yeah that! Get all Shania Twain on us. Honestly, do whatever you think may alleviate the load. Don't think that creating more dramz will be soothing to your soul though. Option 1: I'd say tell her H. Just because he also deserves the truth. Option 2: Now, if you really want to waste energy and feel like you have some sort of control, contact her, tell her that you know what happened and that her husband will be next to know. Two things can happen, either she goes home and tells him or she wont be sleeping much. Option 3: Kick your H to the curve and start a new life. Sounds simple, it's really not but it is doable. Only you know where you stand and what you have the balls to do. Only you know the kind of person that you are and what you are wired for. Look at your core values and take it from there. You'll find the answer of how to handle this, inside of you. Not from a bunch of strangers on the net. What does your internal voice tell you? Follow that. Good luck!
OldOnTheInside Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 If you feel that it would aid in your recovery process, then talk to her. Just be prepared to get covered in her BS. She may, of course, be completely reasonable but you never know. Contacting the OMM is a bit more complicated. Do it if you want but... If the mOW's husband is abusive for instance, she could get hurt...and you wouldn't want that now would you? Or if you tell, the mOW could cover her *ss vehemently. Or, depending on how she reacts, you may have just opened pandora's box on your family. Basically, cover all your bases and take things very slowly before you proceed ahead.
Mr.Harris Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 If the mOW's husband is abusive for instance, she could get hurt...and you wouldn't want that now would you? Then she should've never cheated. She knew the risks. Regardless if it's true or not, he deserves to know.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) Then she should've never cheated. She knew the risks. Regardless if it's true or not, he deserves to know. I'll agree with you there. Don't give a gun to a blind, twitchy man and expect things to end well. But if the husband is abusive in this hypothetical situation, and mOW does get hurt because the OP decided to tell him, then she has indirectly implicated herself. It is not neccessarily about the OP protecting the mOW, but also herself. Get more intel, then tell. I don't see how that is a unreasonable idea. But please enlighten me. Edited July 2, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
Loni Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Then she should've never cheated. She knew the risks. Regardless if it's true or not, he deserves to know. There was a MOW who was killed by her husband. It made the news and testimony came from an infidelity friendly online forum where participants of the forum came forward and spoke of this MOW's concerns. He lost his kids and went jail. The children found their mother shot to death coming home from school. Husband is never getting out. Some idiot may say it's the mother's fault but she is dead and her murderer will never spend another day with his kids. Don't think the kids care much about infidelity these days. They have bigger problems that daddy killed mommy.
rafallus Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 If the mOW's husband is abusive for instance, she could get hurt...and you wouldn't want that now would you?Which begs the question: why would she WANT TO stay with abusive husband in the first place?
YellowShark Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 IMHO I say don't contact her. Why? 1) Focus on what's important, your marriage. Can't go back and unring the bell. 2) How do you know what she will say to you will be truthful? Your husband and her threw you under a bus to have sex behind your back. I wouldn't care, or believe, what she has to say. 3) Why complicate things worse than they already are by bringing the OW or her husband into your life? Walk away, you already know about the affair, focus on what you need now for your husband to do to repair the damage he has caused. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.
Loni Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Which begs the question: why would she WANT TO stay with abusive husband in the first place? Duh. They are scared of them. I deal with abused women all day and you have no clue how scared and timid they are.
bentnotbroken Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 You should do whatever you think will help you to heal. I spoke to my H's FOW on more than one occasion. I have never regretted it. If you decide to talk to her just be ready for anything and be prepared to take everything with a grain of salt. Some OW will speak with you and tell you the truth As They Know IT and some will lie to protect themselves or the WS. It doesn't matter that the affair was almost 2 years ago it is new to you and you are entitled to react as if it just ended yesterday. If you want to tell her husband, tell her husband. Whatever you do, take good care of yourself. Ditto. What ever will help you heal.
Mr.Harris Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I'll agree with you there. Don't give a gun to a blind, twitchy man and expect things to end well. But if the husband is abusive in this hypothetical situation, and mOW does get hurt because the OP decided to tell him, then she has indirectly implicated herself. It is not neccessarily about the OP protecting the mOW, but also herself. Get more intel, then tell. I don't see how that is a unreasonable idea. But please enlighten me. Agreed. But she wasn't so scared to cheat with a married man, which begs the question was she really abused in any way. Having sex with a married man does not constitute as solving problems. "Oh I'm so scared he'll beat me!" "But I'll have an affair. Maybe an affair will give me the courage to leave this bad man!" Puh-lease.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 if she has the tenacity to cheat on a theory based "abusive" husband then she could just as easily tell him where to go phone the police and start a new relationship. We're getting way off course... Point is, don't jump in blind OP.
Mr.Harris Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 We're getting way off course... Point is, don't jump in blind OP. We're on course. OP tell her husband. Cheaters are known to rewrite history, which is one of their many attempts to justify their selfish behavior. He has a right to know. If you're not going to tell him, then just worry about your own marriage and divorce him. No sense of muddling over this for months.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 We're on course. How the eff is speculation on mOW's hypothetically abusive husband on course? Forget it...
Mr.Harris Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 How the eff is speculation on mOW's hypothetically abusive husband on course? Forget it... Because it doesn't take rocket science to solve this question about whether telling the husband or not.
Tayla Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Because it doesn't take rocket science to solve this question about whether telling the husband or not. I agree, it takes common sense and integrity. Its sooooooooo NOT worth it in the realm of things to create more diseaster. As was stated earlier, you cant unring a bell....its done. Her animosity and vindicativeness (whilst warranted in her mind) is not a healthy reason to confront, do so for resolution and closure if need be....
John Michael Kane Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I agree, it takes common sense and integrity. Its sooooooooo NOT worth it in the realm of things to create more diseaster. As was stated earlier, you cant unring a bell....its done. Her animosity and vindicativeness (whilst warranted in her mind) is not a healthy reason to confront, do so for resolution and closure if need be.... Telling the other BS is not being vindictive, it's called letting someone know that their life is being controlled and put at risk for STDs. And she has a right to be angry so even if she did wanted to tell him because she was pissed off, it's better than actually finding the wife and stomping her face in then going to jail for the rest of her life.
Mr.Harris Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Telling the other BS is not being vindictive, it's called letting someone know that their life is being controlled and put at risk for STDs. And she has a right to be angry so even if she did wanted to tell him because she was pissed off, it's better than actually finding the wife and stomping her face in then going to jail for the rest of her life. What he said Tayla.
rafallus Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) Duh. They are scared of them. I deal with abused women all day and you have no clue how scared and timid they are. Actually, I come from one. And in fact, long story short, I have called the cops on my own father (being 14 or 15 at the time no less - it led to stuff I could obviously not foresee at the time, but hindsight is 20/20, especially a decade later). Lesson - do not make sweeping generalizations - people do crazy enough stuff that will prove you wrong, no matter how well-informed you think you are. As for telling itself - if you feel like it, and don't see likelihood of ****storm in making (like, he/she won't believe you or will handle that really badly on his/her own - like self-harm) - your call. Edited July 2, 2011 by rafallus
OldOnTheInside Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Her animosity and vindicativeness (whilst warranted in her mind) is not a healthy reason to confront, do so for resolution and closure if need be.... While it is undoubtedly "unhealthy", the OP can do whatever the hell she wants at this point. If she wants to hurt the mOW out of spite, that is her call. Sucks to be the mOW. Though doing this may not be the smartest choice. As for telling itself - if you feel like it, and don't see likelihood of ****storm in making (like, he/she won't believe you or will handle that really badly on his/her own - like self-harm) - your call. And that is the point. Telling will have consequences. OP needs to accept that. Doesn't mean she shouldn't tell.
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