Just sharing my story of woe - been dumped due to an early midlife crisis? I think?

[Sonichorse]

I guess I am going to write this out as some type of desperate bid to get it out of my system; my boyfriend of five years and I have split over the last four weeks or so. Emotionally, things have been so chaotic that I am currently just utterly confused and exhausted. He is 30 and I am 24 and a female.

 

The whole relationship has always seemed to have an expiration date, mostly because he has consistently skirted full-fledged commitment and I have not been strong enough to demand it or move on.

 

The thing is, he was completely monogamous for the course of our relationship but seemed afraid to become tied down by verbal commitment. I think this might have to do with his getting out of a six year committed relationship about six months before meeting me and having trouble with the freedom vs. love dichotomy. He always wanted to "have his cake and eat it too" and I let it slide because I thought we got along ridiculously well. I have never felt so close to anybody which is making this really hard to cope with.

This guy is everything I have ever wanted and I love him to pieces and totally respect the **** out of him; he is honest, sweet, and follows his values (even if they don't always match mine, I really admire his integrity).

The only real problem is that he has always been really emotionally selfish and unwilling to consider my needs without deeming me demanding or controlling. He is of the belief that if something doesn't "feel" right, then there is no fixing it. One of those people who is unwilling to work on relationships if they aren't always easy past the infatuation stage. I can actually respect this to an extent but I am extremely hurt that he will not fight for me even a little bit.

 

I have my own bag of problems too; I can be really mean when I want to be (this is very rare, but unacceptable all the same) as well as insecure, overly analytical, and extremely stubborn. I am sure the list goes on, but I think those are the main road blocks.

 

The other thing worth noting is that I am really really worried about him not recognizing a recent pattern in his life. Over the last three months he has quit his very good job, given away a bunch of his belongings (including his car), and is now working on completely cutting ties with me.

It is like he is having a midlife crisis early! I actually really admired and supported his decision to quit his successful career in order to find something that would be more fulfilling for him, but he has completely refused to start thinking about what his next steps are and seems to be throwing everything away one step at a time. It is really painful and worrisome to watch as he continues to just follow his instincts without any forethought. At first, it seemed like maybe he would spend his savings traveling or moving to a new and exciting city but now he seems to just be depressed, stoic, drinking too much, and unbudging.

 

I have a lot of faith that he will buck up and get his **** together (he always does), I just wish I didn't have to be a casualty of this period where he is distancing himself from the life he built for years in favor of something more exciting. I am still madly in love with him but I am trying to respect his decisions and (with questionable success) cut contact.

 

I guess I don't really have many questions except when will I feel normal again? I am making a lot of poor decisions right now and continue to talk to him and have even slept with him twice which is horrible for my self esteem. I know he is using me and disrespecting me but I just don't know how to have the strength to walk away from the person that I love. I have awesomely supportive friends and family who I've been leaning on and staying busy with but about once a week I run into him. It sucks.

 

Thanks for listening to my story. Knowing I am not unique in this horrible debacle has been comforting, as ****ed up as I know that is. I hope this even makes any sense.