sinkerswim Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 I had this dream this early morning, and it was horrible.. I went to see my (ex) Fiance...and he was yelling at me telling me I never WAS a good girlfriend and that I never did care and Im not a good person. I know this was all a dream...but it is really disturbing me. Because in reality....I know I was a great girlfriend to him. I stood by him during his hardest times, I cooked for him, took him places when he didnt have a car...etc. Lets just say I did quite a lot for him and I know he always appreciated it because he has told me that over the years. Now...my problem is... Why cant he just be nice to me when I call? As some of you know, the last I saw him was Feb 3, when he said he needed space (after 8 solid years) because I always tell him what to do...etc. He told me he "didnt know" if he wanted to break up. I asked if he knew I would do anything in the world for him and he said "yes" I followed up with a card on Valentines Day...and then a note with my new phone number and address a few weeks later. The last I spoke to him was March 17th, and he was cold to me on the phone. Not like him at all. I called him when he was getting ready for work. It was like I was bothering him. He didnt want to talk. I dont understand the behavior from him. I KNOW I was sooo good to him. I know who he REALLY is and hes not a bad person...He always protected me and made me feel like the only girl in the room....we have shared sooooo much together. But I just cant understand the attitude from him. He never officially broke it off with me...but I guess now it IS over. I keep thinking he hates me for some reason. Could this be? This dream is really bothering me....Like I WAS a bad person or something to him...when I know I wasnt. I mean...I could be a nag at times...but jeez. Is he just running away from me?--So therefore will give me attitude when I call? I cant figure it out. Do any of you think he will forget me ever and what I have done for him? I mean...this guy asked me to marry him a few years ago. I know some of you will call him a jerk...but I know he really is not.. He is the type of person who bottles up all his emotions and hides from some of his problems. But what he is doing now...he IS acting like a selfish jerk. I love and miss him more than anything...and I JUST want to talk to him. I want to know what is going on in his head... Im sorry I am posting like this... I know you guys are probably sick of my story... But this dream really disturbed me and made me think if he really DOES hate me for some reason. I cant stand it anymore. I cannot bear the thought of never being with him again.. It is all soo disturbing and doesnt seem like reality. I am trying to accept it...but I just cant. I do not want him to hate me. That is my WORST fear.
wecancope Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Oh sinkerswim, I can't tell you how much I feel for you and how much you are hurting. I don't know why, but reading your post has made me really emotional. I'm going through pretty much a simular situation. Basically my girlfriend of 3.5years told me over the phone last Friday that maybe we should split up and that maybe this relationship wasn't going anywhere (this is because she thinks I can't trust her and that I can't get over certain issues). At first I was really upset, but then I told her that if she was 100% sure that she wanted to split up, then to do it now and that she wuld never hear from me again......She couldn't do it, so I told her to go away and think about what she wants. I didn't hear anything from her until Monday night, when she sent me a text saying"Hey Babe, how r u? I've been quite upset. I know I haven't been fair on u. Hope you are ok. I'm thinking about u. Big kiss and hug. " I didn't know how to take that message, as all I'm waiting for is a decision on what she wants from me. It took me 17hours to reply, I needed to think what to say, so I sent her this message "All I want is you babe, and I hope that it's me that you want! I love you with all my heart." I haven't had any reply, so I think I know what she wants!! I don't understand some people sometimes, like yourself I've felt as though I've done so much for my girlfriend. Like you I've asked if she knew I would do anything in the world for her and she said "yes" . Why are we the ones left in limbo sinkerswim? The least they can do is give us a decisive answer so that we can begin moving on with our lifes and to start repairing our brokenhearts! Don't you think. I've never been a beleiver in partners having to take "time out". The way I see it is that if your feelings have changed towards your partner (him or her), then you need to sit down and talk about the way you feel. It's natural, I think, that our feelings do change towards our partners, but if you love your partner, you can get through these difficult times. Isn't love about getting through the lows and highs of a relationship? And if you feel that the love for your partner has changed, then the partner needs to know about it! Iknow that it is easier said than done, but I just get really angry with the way certain people can advantage of our fragile hearts and with our confused minds. So my advie to you sinkerswim, is to leave your partner to it, stop contacting him, and leave him with his own thoughts and decisions. Start thinking about yourself and start doing the little things that make you happy and smile. The ball is in his court now, and if he does love you then he'll be back, if he doesn't then it's his lost and you deserve so much better. Love is about giving, but it is also important that you are also the receiver! Don't be sorry about writing. You write as much as you need to. It's always a good thing to write down everything that is on your mind, rather than letting tose thoughts loop around in your head over and over again. You need that space in your mind for healthy thoughts. You take care of yourself and I'll speak to you soon.
Odradek Posted April 22, 2004 Posted April 22, 2004 That's good advice right there wecancope. Sinkerswim, I also think the best thing to do when a parter is feeling insecure is give them all the space and time they need. However, you are not to be played around with, and giving them time and space is no guarantee that they'll come around your way. For one, when somebody is avoiding you or you get the feeling by your trying to approach them, they're obviously not comfortable in the relationship anymore for one reason or another. In my case, my exgf started out with an attitude just like the one you described in you now exbf about a month before we broke up or so. I later found out this was the exact period of time she had been receiving phone calls from the guy who is now her boyfriend. This may not be the case for you, sinkerswim, but what I really want to point out is that when somebody is acting the way your guy is acting, they've probably decided they want to move on (because they found someone else maybe, or because something in the relationship is bothering and they've decided its impossible to work it out, or maybe simply because they fell out of love with you). These people, however, are not mature enough to sit and say whats really going on like adults, but this doesnt mean theyre bad people. Actually, the reason they're avoiding you is because they think the truth may be too hard on you. Which is stupid, because we all now nothing is more hurtful than a lie, and that the worst kind of lie is an unspoken truth. So if you keep hassling him and chasing him around, you're only giving him signals that you're clingy and that the truth MIGHT ACTUALLY BE TO HARD FOR YOU TO HANDLE. So what he'll do is hell avoid you even more, and, moreover, he might even try being cold and even rude to you, as a way of getting you to let go, which I believe he's already started to do. Believe me, no matter how hard you try, you'll never get him to tell you what REALLy is going through his mind. The best thing to do in this kind of situation is NOTHING. That's right, do nothing. If you embrace this approach, there are only two possible outcomes: ONE, what I said before WAS the case, and you're better off alone, there's no point in trying so hard to save something when the other person has decided there's nothing to save. TWO, what I said before wasn't the case at all, so he realizes he's in danger of losing you definitely and reacts by seeking after you. If this happened, you're not to be played around with as I said before, and it's in you're best interest to decide wether you want to continue in a relationship with someone who bailed on you, this is, if you can still trust this guy. If you've already accepted the fact that it's over, and what you're worried about is the fact that he might think you a bad person, theres nothing to worry about. You know better than anybody that you were a good gf to him, and so does he. His bad attitude is just part of his attempt to get you to let go. Continue to be the great person that you are, without worrying wether others aknowledge it or not. He doesn't hate you, he's just to inept to part in a more mature and adult way.
nycpetit Posted April 22, 2004 Posted April 22, 2004 I do know what you are going thourhg.and just want to add a thought for you that others have mentioned to me... Regardless of the amount of time you have spent with him, and yes 8 years is a long time I know....you need to ask yourself this.... "Do you deserve to be with someone who has just left like this, and left you hanging?" "Would you do that to someone?" "What would you do if things worked out and he did it again?" I have gone through the same thing with my ex, who really only becamse my ex because i told him the games were over...it is possible that if I hadn't tried so hard to get him back before he knew what he wanted that it might have worked out..but we were engaged then, and I was definately in shock when he walked out..he did come back but had proposed living apart at that point...but continue to date exclusively...he cited arguments..but seriously, almost ALL of them were because he claimed that he was not able to care for himself let alone for another..in the way he felt he should be able to in a relationship. I couldn't really understand that, and maybe there was nothing to try and understand...maybe it just made no sense, and was really a sign of his ability to remain committed to something. Lord knows he is terrible with commiting to a plan, his bills (he has major debts and his woe over money and the lavish lifestyle he wanted to lead..that seemed to be the ticket to his happiness was always out of reach), his jobs, and then of course..me..not to mention his ever changing moods. But at the time all of this just happened, and this was Feb of 2003, and it is only just NOW a month ago that I closed the door(although he has yet to bring me my things since he moved for work seven months ago..and a few of my things are out there from visits..and to come here and get his things, this apt. is still in his name, and some bills still go to him) anyway..at the time this happened, I had just gotten "sick"...I have chronic kidney disease, and am now on a transplant waiting list..as the steroid medication I was put on just a day before he left did not work for me to stop the illness....and the medicaton made me really messed up at first (I was completely swollen) because I was dosed too high, and had a bad doctor.... well on top of that, he had been fired from him job three weeks earlier..I found out after his big tidal wave leaving...that he had been talking to a friend of his for a long time and expressing confusion about everything..not being ready to get married, was he doing something wrong he asked? You know what struck me? He hadn't said a word to ME about this..and when he left...we had just one month before gone to get a "new" engagment ring..a "real" one since the one I was wearing was CZ and he wanted to get me a new one...it had taken about eight months since he asked me to get his finances in order enough to do so...and here....he has left just six weeks later!! It made no sense to me..and I felt totally violated..but I was also completely vulnerable, and still coping with the medication, diagnosis, work, and trying to figure out what I could do to leave..where I would go...didn't want to go...and I had moved in here clear with him that I was giving up the only apt. that I could afford in NYC...and I was in my last semester of college. While I ALWAYS contributed significantly to our life here, he had never told me he was 35k in debt in any of the long convos we had prior to my moving in with him in 2002. So, when he left a year ago..that should have been my sign..although we lasted a bit longer...he went to everyone BUT me to try and solve our issues..I was too swollen to wear my "fake" ring that day, or any of my jewelry..and when i left to give him space to pack (he left for six days before returning) he TOOK my engagment ring, read my diary..and called my Mom..created a tidal wave with everyone around us..comes back and says he thinks maybe we need to live apart but date exclusively.... Like I said, I was weak..and we lasted for another six months..before we had a huge fight, and he had gotten a job offer two hours away...so he took it..we had about three weeks of silence, then we started seeing one another again...and even took a vacation together... He has admitted he has ISSUES, and yet I see him doing things just fine with his friends..but crying when he is with me..the same old..the bills, the job, what is he doing with his life, why did he leave..he doesn't know what he wants... Meanwhile, i am waiting for a kidney, paying the rent in HIS place, working three jobs, in a psych doctorate program..... He is too weak...and I think your fiance is the same....becasue it takes a person you want to build your life with that can communicate..through good and bad, confusion and all..and not disrespect you by leaving you hanging... I know it is so frustrating when you feel "just IF" he would remember these things I did,, or that it was because of this or that...and la di dah.... But really a relationship is all about GETTING through these times as a couple..and not closing on person off because of issues they cannot discuss with you.... I hope this makes sense..just ask yourself if this is the kind of communication you would want in your future to ever happen again
overseas2004 Posted April 22, 2004 Posted April 22, 2004 Yep I agree sticking out with you in hard times is what makes a relationship end up being a good marriage. I told you earlier that he would eventually call. But if he doesn't then he is a jerk. And that is what he is looking like more and more to me. Sorry hun... But I know you are good person and you don't deserve this jerk.
Author sinkerswim Posted April 24, 2004 Author Posted April 24, 2004 Thanks for the input guys... Sometimes I just get these weird thoughts in my head.
Recommended Posts