needing your comments - no one responded in another forum...sorry for the book!

[username92]

Someone recently posted in a response to someone else's issue "you cannot hold anyone else accountable for your own insecurities..." one of the reasons I really enjoy reading... I know the answers here, we are seeking counseling, but there is a part of me that really is tied up and frustrated.... Too much to totally go into...but...

 

Married for 14 years, two kids. Second marriage for her - first one ex was sneaking SO in guest room when she was asleep. We met as they were breaking up. I had a long relationship / almost engaged that was a result of some jealousy, made up for it before I met my wife by jumping practically every woman I could...we clicked however. Dated for 2 1/2 years and got married.

 

Wonderful first two years - sex was incredible and at least 2 times a week. She got pregnant and things got better. Son was born and she had put on a lot of weight - a bit of post pardum depression as well. All before she was pregnant and part of the pregnancy we both were horrible flirts....including online. Several times she would get into a chat room and I would watch over her shoulder and we would get really hot. As she got depressed however, she quit, and I kept on from time to time - including with a close friend - she knew about it and had indicated she was fine with it, until it went too far and turned into one session of phone sex. I figured out that I had crossed a boundary when I told her about it and she exploded.

 

She was seeing a counselor at the time to deal with childhood issues, the depression and other things, so we turned it into couples counselling, and worked through it well. Since then, we have been very strong. The military moved us around quite a bit thereafter, and her weight still didn't come off... sex waned and concerned us to the point along with weight issues where we decided to remove her norplant. Firecrackers again for about six months - then dropped back off. We have always been close and loving, just i apparently always have had a higher libido. Trust has been good - there was one other time where she calls cheating, but I don't....(briefly for background) - close friend of ours was VERY sexual - childrood rape turned her into sex obsessed, but she was married and we heard ALL about it. Actually helped fire both of us up a bit and we enjoyed it. The two of them eventually broke up - the main story was she cheated on him, at which point my wife broke off contact for us (cheating was obviously a sore spot)...the background turned out was her hubby was closet bi, and she couldn't take it anymore....at any rate a year after their split, I got an email from her, which turned into a conversation and we continued to chat. I flirted a bit - nothing explicit, but my wife found the conversations and thought I was going to attempt a rendezvous.....at any rate, I paid the price again and broke off contact, trying to work to get her trust again. That was three years ago...

 

Whew...so, at that point, I had never physically cheated, but flirted online, and none of it was emotional. The spring of 2009, before her 20 year HS reunion, things were good - back down to 2-3 times a month for us for sex, which was always good, just plain and vanilla. She meets up online with a guy she dated many years ago, and within one week, had sent him a topless picture of herself (that I had taken the night before, thinking we were flirty and they were for me....) - granted nothing was shown, everything covered, but she got hot....she showed me what she had done - as in "see how I am messing with this guy"....I blew up. We fought, made up, she told me that there is no chance - guy on other coast and she isn't attracted to him physically today (just the version of him in her head). That was a topic for another post a long time ago under another pseudonym...at any rate, this damn near wrecked us in four months. I snooped, found her telling him that while sleeping with me she was thinking of him. Sex got great - three times a week at least and PASSION...She met me on the front porch with a bottle of wine when I got back from a business trip, only to find out she had been talking about keeping him up all night 5 minutes before I got there online. Final straw was when she wished that she could be an "ex Girlfriend with benefits"..and that she was "strangely drawn to him"....All that came up and I threw it at her....she broke contact, we reconciled and recovered....slowly back to 2-3 times a month....

 

many more details, but HERE ACTUALLY IS WHY I AM WRITING.....she doesn't flirt really anymore. Sex is always good, but it is like she is giving in, on a schedule and that I don't do it for her anymore, which affects my performance, and self esteem. She is on a fun trip right now with a group of friends from back in her military days - her and our oldest. I will fly up there with our younger son this weekend...they are staying in a college dorm as part of their arrangements....I trust her - always had until this episode two years ago. Since then however, my jealousy keeps me obsessed. I check her FB profile surreptitiously all the time. Two months ago i found a chat with a guy who they always had a thing for each other - timing just sucked. He was complaining about his wife being cold, flirting and commenting on her amazing chest. She was basking in the attention. He is part of this group that is meeting right now in the dorm....enter the green eyed monster.

 

Two days ago, I didn't get any text responses at all for the whole day...finally called at 830 and got her for about two minutes...found out that they had had a crisis - her roommate was screwing everyone up, causing problems, so they had to move her to her own room...their solution (for one night) was to move roommate to her own room, the guy she had been flirting with to her room, and then the next night, he would move to an empty room being vacated the next day....that I couldn't mention anything on FB because his wife would freak, but that I was OK with it right?

 

I played nice, hung up, obsessed on it all night, then found out in the morning that it never happened - they moved two people so that they never slept in the same room. When she called the next day happy and wanting to talk to me and missing me, I was still upset, and turned it into an hour of a painful argument. Tried to tell her that I trusted her, but that i felt she took me for granted in just assuming that I would be cool.

 

I know this all has to do with my own jealousy and insecurity....she has been able to take her issues and box them up and put them away. Since she chatted with this guy online two years ago, it has been like a scab - mostly realed but occasionally it opens up and is raw....

 

I need to deal with my own insecurities, but would love to hear what you all have to say....sorry for the book!

[GorillaTheater]

I think there's a difference between irrational jealousy and insecurity, and appropriate boundaries. I don't consider myself to be jealous or insecure, but I would have an issue with some bozo complimenting my wife's chest, online or otherwise (and particularly given your history). But consenting to the situation as you understood it at the time? Your wife and bozo sharing the same room (do I understand correctly that that's what you thought the arrangement would be?)? No f*cking way. Not on my watch. That's not being jealous and insecure, that's me protecting my marriage and my boundaries. You consented to something that was wildly over-the-top inappropriate. THAT's what you need to be beating yourself up about, not feeling jealous or insecure.

 

Okay, assuming you've been beating yourself up for a minute or so, stop and move on to the next order of business: figuring out where your boundaries are and sharing those with your wife. Apologise to her for consenting to a situation that you shouldn't have consented to. Ask her to give some thoughts to your boundaries and whether she thinks she can live with them. If not, well, get back to us and we'll go from there.

 

Quick story: I felt that my wife was flirting inappropriately with a friend of ours. I calmly told her how I felt about it, and that I wasn't okay with it. Her reaction left a bit to be desired, with a little too much defensiveness and "I guess I can't have any friends" crap, but ultimately she apologised and I haven't seen any repeat behavior. It wasn't about my jealousy or insecurity, it was about what I was and wasn't going to put up with in my marriage.