HURTinCO Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I just found out 2 weeeks ago that my husand of 5 years (companion of 10 years), had been carrying on an emotional affair with a girl from out of town. The poor timing of this also happens to be only a week after our 5th anniversary and me finding out I'm pregnant with our 2nd child. I thought I had been clear about him ending it, but found out days later he continued communication even though reduced. He says that he is confused and he was unhappy before. That this girl makes him feel happy and wanted when they talk or text. It had only been going on for a month, but he has grown feelings for her in this time. He took sometime away where he spoke to me but not her to try and clear his head, but after he returned on Monday telling me he ended it (when I asked), I walked into our garage and found him texting on a prepaid phone. We had another blowup, and he just seems as confused as he did in the beginning. I feel like I have a lot to work for here, my whole life is crashing down and I'm the only one trying to keep the walls up. He tells me he knows what he needs to do, but doesn't want to hurt her so much. He also says he knows how wrong that is to feel. (This girl has a history of bad and abusive relationships, so I think he feels like hes saving her or something) I just keep trying, alternating between making him talk and cry and giving him space. I've asked him to tell me when its done, because I truely have faith that we can work things out. We were so happy once. I'm just not sure when to say when. Its killing me every day that I know he hasn't cut the ties. I feel like everything I do at this point is in vain until shes out of the picture. Now I'm going through hysterical bonding, which I've read can be a good path to rebuilding. He isn't the one to initiate sex, and I know he feels guilty after the fact. But can it open his eyes enough to be strong and take action? He says I'm so much stronger than him, that he would have left me if this was the other way around. I just don't know how much more fight I have inside me.
TigerCub Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I'm sorry that you're in pain and that this is happening while you're pregnant too! I don't know, but it seems to me like you're putting up with his behavior, even though you don't like it, you're sending him a message that its ok to do it. You're telling him "let me know when you're done" and you're initiating sex with HIM?! I personally think that sends the wrong message. Maybe you should actually tell him point blank that you will NOT put up with this and if he wants her, he can go to her, he'll just be the one losing out. He'll lose the marriage, he'll certainly lose time with his kids - ask him what he values more and how much he's willing to risk. He can't have it both ways, and you can't let so much s**t slide hoping that he'll choose you. Make his aware of all that he's risking and how much he will lose if he doesn't cut that crap out and be willing to go to counseling and fix your M. ***HUGS***
robf1971 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Never be someone's back up plan. Sorry to say it but that is what you are at the moment to your husband. Confused my a$$. Take away his confusion, remove yourself as an option, kick him to the kerb. Then if he wants to come back to you make him walk barefoot over broken glass to get you.
Snowflower Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I agree with what Tigercub said^^^ I'm also sorry about what you are going through. Just know that you cannot "love him" enough for him to want to stay with you. He needs to come to that conclusion on his own and then do the work necessary to repair things. I had a very similar experience with my H where he said he had ended things and then I found him on his phone in the garage--just like you! What you will have to do is really draw your line in the sand of what you will and will not tolerate. Even though it is difficult and perhaps the hardest thing you will have ever done--in a strange way you might feel a little better. He has all the control right now and it is time for you to take some of that back. And you need to take care of yourself, your baby and your other child. The three of you come first. Don't put up with this. The longer you allow it to go on, the harder it will be to stop. It will break your heart--but he his still involved with her--and you need to tell him to go.
Loni Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I just found out 2 weeeks ago that my husand of 5 years (companion of 10 years), had been carrying on an emotional affair with a girl from out of town. The poor timing of this also happens to be only a week after our 5th anniversary and me finding out I'm pregnant with our 2nd child. I thought I had been clear about him ending it, but found out days later he continued communication even though reduced. He says that he is confused and he was unhappy before. That this girl makes him feel happy and wanted when they talk or text. It had only been going on for a month, but he has grown feelings for her in this time. He took sometime away where he spoke to me but not her to try and clear his head, but after he returned on Monday telling me he ended it (when I asked), I walked into our garage and found him texting on a prepaid phone. We had another blowup, and he just seems as confused as he did in the beginning. I feel like I have a lot to work for here, my whole life is crashing down and I'm the only one trying to keep the walls up. He tells me he knows what he needs to do, but doesn't want to hurt her so much. He also says he knows how wrong that is to feel. (This girl has a history of bad and abusive relationships, so I think he feels like hes saving her or something) I just keep trying, alternating between making him talk and cry and giving him space. I've asked him to tell me when its done, because I truely have faith that we can work things out. We were so happy once. I'm just not sure when to say when. Its killing me every day that I know he hasn't cut the ties. I feel like everything I do at this point is in vain until shes out of the picture. Now I'm going through hysterical bonding, which I've read can be a good path to rebuilding. He isn't the one to initiate sex, and I know he feels guilty after the fact. But can it open his eyes enough to be strong and take action? He says I'm so much stronger than him, that he would have left me if this was the other way around. I just don't know how much more fight I have inside me. I am going to say this gently. The girl is from out of town and this level of attachment does not suggest a month EA. This seems to be a full blown PA and with the prepaid phone? No one gets a prepaid phone in a period of 1 month of LD talking. The HB is initiated by you which is not a good sign. You are pregnant. Either the bat phone is for this woman exclusively or is being employed for other OW. Get tested. Affairs are not always about just sex so you giving and initiating lots of it is not the answer.
YellowShark Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I thought I had been clear about him ending it, but found out days later he continued communication even though reduced. He says that he is confused and he was unhappy before. That this girl makes him feel happy and wanted when they talk or text. It had only been going on for a month, but he has grown feelings for her in this time. So his answer to "happiness" is to throw his pregnant wife under a bus for another woman? Wow. Your husband needs some serious therapy. He took sometime away where he spoke to me but not her to try and clear his head, but after he returned on Monday telling me he ended it (when I asked), I walked into our garage and found him texting on a prepaid phone. We had another blowup, and he just seems as confused as he did in the beginning. First he lied about ending it, then he completely disrespected you - his pregnant wife - and carried on. Your husband has really done something awful. Here you are at one of the most vulnerable and special times in your life and your husband is carrying on with another woman. Wow. He's a real catch. Time to lay down the law HurtinCO and give him an ultimatum. It's either you and the kids or OW. To hell with his alleged "feelings" because obviously he doesn't care much for yours. I am not being rude, just a wake up call to stop rationalizing his actions and see them for what they truly are.
PhoenixRise Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I am going to say this gently. The girl is from out of town and this level of attachment does not suggest a month EA. This seems to be a full blown PA and with the prepaid phone? No one gets a prepaid phone in a period of 1 month of LD talking. The HB is initiated by you which is not a good sign. You are pregnant. Either the bat phone is for this woman exclusively or is being employed for other OW. Get tested. Affairs are not always about just sex so you giving and initiating lots of it is not the answer. I agree. What you have posted sounds like there is more to the story than a one month EA. The fact that he feels guilty after having sex with you is a sure sign that there has been a PA and the EA is a lot deeper than anything that could develop in a month. I think you need to dig a little deeper so that you can truly know what you are dealing with. In the meantime. Don't allow him to make you an option. Telling him to let you know when he is done is not going to work. I understand, believe me I do, how hard this is and how much pain and confusion you must be going through right now. I know it is hard. But the sooner you start to act as if you, your family, and your new baby are all worth its weight in gold (and he damn well better recognize it) the sooner you will be on your path to healing and maybe reconciliation. Dig deeper. Make sure you know the whole truth and know that he will lie about the extent of the affair so don't take his word for it. I wish you the best of luck.
bigmomma1974 Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 If I where in your shoes I would tell him to pack his bags and hit the road. Tell him if he is confused he can go live elsewhere until his confusion is over but your not going to be with him while he is involved with another woman. Ask him if your family means anything to him and tell him to move out and consider all thse options cause your not gona wait in liine like a good little girl while he destroys everytihng you 2 worked so hard to have.
gpatb43 Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 If I where in your shoes I would tell him to pack his bags and hit the road. Tell him if he is confused he can go live elsewhere until his confusion is over but your not going to be with him while he is involved with another woman. Ask him if your family means anything to him and tell him to move out and consider all thse options cause your not gona wait in liine like a good little girl while he destroys everytihng you 2 worked so hard to have. I am sorry to hear your pain. But BM1974 has it right - you need to get in control, tell him he needs to leave and give YOU space to figure out if you can continue in the marriage. Then once you decide that, time to sit down with him and assess whether he is geniunely remorseful - if he excuses his behavior in anyway, he isn't ready to confront and rebuild a life with you. If he owns up, goes to therapy with you, will show you his phone records (proving duration), and you believe the hard work is worth the risk, go for it. Finally be careful about those who are binary in this situation - everyone and every situation is different. Its incredibly difficult - wish you good luck.
Recommended Posts