partner going through midlife crisis & told me he's not sure he wants to be with me

[rosie72]

I'm in awful pain right now and need some advice. My partner of 10 years has been really cold and distant for some time, though still caring and supportive on a practical level. I confronted him last week about his coldness and to my shock he told me he's been wondering whether we should still be together. He says he feels like he's going through a midlife crisis type thing - feeling old, like we will be stuck in a routine for ever without any changes. He also says he wants children, but it would be risky for me to go through another pregnancy because of medical reasons. So he thinks maybe he wants to leave so he can start again with a new person and have a family (i have a son from a previous relationship that my partner is a father to in everything but genetics, he is wonderful with him). That just kills me as i very much want to have a baby with him too. I would risk medical issues for that but he says we can't take that risk.

I also suffer from a few anxiety problems and he says my constant 'issues' have worn him down over time and worn down his love for me. It's true i have leant on him too much and used him as a crutch, which i deeply regret.

Despite all this he says its inconceivable that we should be apart, that i'm his other half etc, but that he feels emotionally numb right now. He also will not leave our boy as it would do so much damage. On another note, the bedroom side of things is still very good, we still desire each other.

I love him still and want to make things work, but we have been talking and talking and he just says he doesnt know how he feels or how to move forward. He says his biggest regret is telling me all this, he was hoping he coud work through it without me knowing and causing me pain. But now its out in the open there's no going back.

Should i leave him be to work it through on his own and not keep talking aboit it? Or cut my losses and just leave him, even though that would hurt me and my son so much? Can love be rekindled? Can i make that happen or is it down to him to work on his emotions? It seems our relationship is so good on a deep level and i can't accept all this, it doesn't seem real. I'm hurting worse than ever in my life, i cant eat, sleep or work.. Just don't know what to do...

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Love can be rekindled, but you can only do your part which doesn't necessarily mean he will fall back in love with you. That being said it sounds like he wants to go out and be spontaneous but isn't taking the initiative in doing so. try surprising him with a simple date (dinner and a movie), then gradually keep surprising him with with more complex dates. I can't really give advice on him wanting kids, except that if he is going through a mid life crisis I assume it won't be long for woman of his age to either be in menopause or soon to be in menopause. so his chances are running low unless he gets with a woman much younger than him.

[rosie72]

Thanks HeartOfAPhoenix. You're right, theres nothing i can do to 'make' him have feelings for me again. Re-reading my post with perspective it looks really bleak. I wonder about the date/surprises idea - wouldnt that be a bit contrived? Might i not appear desperate? I want to support him through his, but without clinging.

He works away a LOT - like 2 months away from home at a time a couple times a year (music industry - touring, parties, drinking, fancy restaurants etc) He idealizes his homelife and misses us when he's away, then returns to find the same-old same-old. I on the other hand work from home, and and have limited working social life so we couldnt be more opposite. Although i feel like ive never had much of a problem with his going away, i wonder now if its more damaging than i thought. He's living a lifestyle which is very far from ordinary. And mine is too boring! I'm limited though by having our boy to care for, and a small rural town with few work/social opportunities.

Ah.. there's no easy answers i know, im just venting because i'm hurting so much i don't know what to do with myself... Plus side - ive lost 7lbs in a week