CurlyIam Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 I was looking at the section we have on LS and was thinking we'd need one for Long Serious Relationships too.. Just a thought. Anyway, I was talking to my friend back home and she told me how she wants this big, serious relationship with this manshe started going out with and how she dreamsof moving in together oneday with him. I, on the other hand, came out of a Long Serious Relationship, I've lived for more than 2 years with my ex and I think that one sure way to be sure that your thing with the bf will end is to move in with him. I'm 23, I was 22 at the time, I admit I may have needed lots of space and privacy. I sow at least 5 long serious relationships ending - and not with a marriage - after the 2 lived together for like years. And heard of even more. SO... I believe living together is a good idea exclusively when you're married. true or false?
Fedup&givingup Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 It's hard to say, really. I was engaged to a guy that I lived with. I s*** canned his a$$ because his former roommate told me how much he had screwed around on me. That didn't have a thing about us living together. My husband and I lived together prior to marriage, and although he denies it, he's also cheated. My dear, wonderful brother STRONGLY insists that I NEVER live with another man before getting married to them. After all the bad luck I've had, I'm willing to listen to him and heed his advice
Author CurlyIam Posted April 21, 2004 Author Posted April 21, 2004 What I'm trying to say is that living togeher, no matter how much you try, will kill the romance. There are lots of good things, but bad things overcame the good ones and in the end will kill the relationship. Fed, he cheated on you whileyou were living together? Did you know? Did you confront him? And most importantly, why did you marry him?
Fedup&givingup Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam What I'm trying to say is that living togeher, no matter how much you try, will kill the romance. There are lots of good things, but bad things overcame the good ones and in the end will kill the relationship. Fed, he cheated on you whileyou were living together? Did you know? Did you confront him? And most importantly, why did you marry him? Yes, you are right. Living together does spoil the magic, before the "magical" wedding. The honey moon is over before you've tasted the wedding cake. No, he didn't cheat on me while we were living together, it was all before that...and, I actually knew he had cheated on me, because I had asked him. My father, of all people, blurted out, "He's probably cheating on you" because of something else completely and totally way off was going on. So, I asked him, and he admitted that he had...this one time. So, I forgave him, and we moved in together. After about 3 months, his room mate came over to our place, and we were talking. All of a sudden, he got really upset and started crying, and told me that my boyfriend had been with ALL these other girls, girls that I knew. I mean, he had been with a LOT. At first, I didn't know what this other guy's intentions were for telling me this, so I confronted my boyfriend with the matter. He admitted it...again. That was the end of things for me. As for my husband, my thread about that is in the infidelity category, and it's called "Cheating Husband That Won't Admit It."
dyermaker Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Huh? If living together kills romance, in your experience, why would you save it until after marriage? If the nature of your commitment is that it requires excitement, I don't think marriage should even be an option. Wouldn't you want to marry someone with whom feelings won't disappear for upon nuptials?
Author CurlyIam Posted April 21, 2004 Author Posted April 21, 2004 But you... married the guy afterwards anyway, right? I'll need like an hour to read that thread... so I had to ask.
moimeme Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 SO... I believe living together is a good idea exclusively when you're married. true or false? No. The reasons those people broke up were the very reasons which would have caused them to divorce, had they married. If a person is difficult to live with, that person will be difficult to live with whether you are married or not. Marriage doesn't turn him or her into some wonderful person. This is exactly why one should live with someone before marriage; if you then decide that you can't live together well, the breakup is much easier financially and legally. What I'm trying to say is that living togeher, no matter how much you try, will kill the romance No. It will end the infatuation and then, if you truly love each other, the companionate type of love will take over and you will become even more deeply bonded and love each other more. 'Romance' is not what is required for long-term love. Deep, abiding friendship, love, admiration and trust are. Marriage will no more preserve the 'romance' than will living together. The fact is that it is difficult to live with another person and it is true love which will motivate you to overcome those difficulties together.
Fedup&givingup Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Moi's got a point here. Basically, if you can tolerate each other's idiosyncrocies, and you still love that person enough to spend your life with them in a committed relationship, then the deal of marriage is on.
Author CurlyIam Posted April 21, 2004 Author Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Huh? If living together kills romance, in your experience, why would you save it until after marriage? If the nature of your commitment is that it requires excitement, I don't think marriage should even be an option. Wouldn't you want to marry someone with whom feelings won't disappear for upon nuptials? It is different once married I believe. It's complete trust, the institution of marriage that protects you, you vowed yourself and your parnter to make it work, I don't know.It has to be different, you're much more dettermined, it's not only:"oh, yeah, we're ok together so let's move in and roll on the floor all day", you're a family. Actually this is why I'm asking this. I don't believe a relationship is strong enough to survive living together without being married. But that's a different subject. In the light of my former relationship, I say no to your question. You can tell about your bf, 'cause you spend (or are supposed to) lots of time together. I don't see the necessity of living together, as when and if everything is over, you fell more like recovering from a divorce than from a break-up. Believe me, dyer getting used to the routine ( "habitude"in French) is our second nature. Damn hard to get over it and after my experience, it simply isn't worth it.
Author CurlyIam Posted April 21, 2004 Author Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme SO... I believe living together is a good idea exclusively when you're married. true or false? No. The reasons those people broke up were the very reasons which would have caused them to divorce, had they married. If a person is difficult to live with, that person will be difficult to live with whether you are married or not. Marriage doesn't turn him or her into some wonderful person. This is exactly why one should live with someone before marriage; if you then decide that you can't live together well, the breakup is much easier financially and legally. What I'm trying to say is that living togeher, no matter how much you try, will kill the romance No. It will end the infatuation and then, if you truly love each other, the companionate type of love will take over and you will become even more deeply bonded and love each other more. 'Romance' is not what is required for long-term love. Deep, abiding friendship, love, admiration and trust are. Marriage will no more preserve the 'romance' than will living together. The fact is that it is difficult to live with another person and it is true love which will motivate you to overcome those difficulties together. But you're supposing the reason the marriage won't work is because they can't stand living together. I believe marriages stop working for reasons far more serious than that ,otherwise we would have many married couples not living in the same house.
Fedup&givingup Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam But you're supposing the reason the marriage won't work is because they can't stand living together. I believe marriages stop working for reasons far more serious than that ,otherwise we would have many married couples not living in the same house. Speaking from experience...true, true. This is an aspect I haven't really firmly decided on yet, it's a toss for me...the whole living with someone before marriage. I've done it, but the reasons my marriage is now failing doesn't have to do with us living together beforehand.
Author CurlyIam Posted April 21, 2004 Author Posted April 21, 2004 I believe we're going away from the subject here. My question was: Do you believe living together in a long and serious relationship is a good idea and why? Not necessarily with the man you're thinking of marring.
wideawake Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme SO... I believe living together is a good idea exclusively when you're married. true or false? No. The reasons those people broke up were the very reasons which would have caused them to divorce, had they married. If a person is difficult to live with, that person will be difficult to live with whether you are married or not. Marriage doesn't turn him or her into some wonderful person. This is exactly why one should live with someone before marriage; if you then decide that you can't live together well, the breakup is much easier financially and legally. What I'm trying to say is that living togeher, no matter how much you try, will kill the romance No. It will end the infatuation and then, if you truly love each other, the companionate type of love will take over and you will become even more deeply bonded and love each other more. 'Romance' is not what is required for long-term love. Deep, abiding friendship, love, admiration and trust are. Marriage will no more preserve the 'romance' than will living together. The fact is that it is difficult to live with another person and it is true love which will motivate you to overcome those difficulties together. Dead on. Couldn't agree with these comments more. I've lived with three different woman in my life. First one - Had a great time, but we were too young, we knew it, we split up as friends. Second - More mature, ended up married, things didn't work out, we're still friends. Currently - We've been living together for a little over a year, depends on how you look at it. We moved into 'our' place together a year ago December, prior to that I basically lived at her shack. Living together is great, you get a chance to grow a relationship and explore how you interact prior to making a life-long commitment. I wouldn't do it any other way.
Author CurlyIam Posted April 21, 2004 Author Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by wideawake Dead on. Couldn't agree with these comments more. I've lived with three different woman in my life. First one - Had a great time, but we were too young, we knew it, we split up as friends. Second - More mature, ended up married, things didn't work out, we're still friends. Currently - We've been living together for a little over a year, depends on how you look at it. We moved into 'our' place together a year ago December, prior to that I basically lived at her shack. Living together is great, you get a chance to grow a relationship and explore how you interact prior to making a life-long commitment. I wouldn't do it any other way. Boy, do I envy you for being able to get back up. Unfortunatelly it also has to do with something befulded said on another thread about marriage, men and women. It's a personal shut and I don't see myself doing. I mean doing it at all, not later or at some point in life.
moimeme Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 But you're supposing the reason the marriage won't work is because they can't stand living together Very often, it can be that. More than that, however, is that until you spend 24/7 with someone, you don't know him. Take it from one who has been married and has lived with a couple of potential partners. Here's an example. I know a couple (not kids) who went out for 18 months. It was not until they lived together that she found out how much he drank. You see, he'd do it at home the nights they weren't together before. Now, in the same house, he has no 'free' nights on which to do what he pleases. People can hide things very well from you - only living with them will reveal all.
Fedup&givingup Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme But you're supposing the reason the marriage won't work is because they can't stand living together Very often, it can be that. More than that, however, is that until you spend 24/7 with someone, you don't know him. Take it from one who has been married and has lived with a couple of potential partners. Here's an example. I know a couple (not kids) who went out for 18 months. It was not until they lived together that she found out how much he drank. You see, he'd do it at home the nights they weren't together before. Now, in the same house, he has no 'free' nights on which to do what he pleases. People can hide things very well from you - only living with them will reveal all. THIS is a powerful argument....that makes 2 for living together prior to marriage....
Author CurlyIam Posted April 21, 2004 Author Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup THIS is a powerful argument....that makes 2 for living together prior to marriage.... May I please suggest I was NOT talking about marriage? Why are you always talking about marriage? Did you only live in the same house with people you wanted to get married?
moimeme Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Did you only live in the same house with people you wanted to get married? Yes, and that's the only reason I would.
wideawake Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam Boy, do I envy you for being able to get back up. Eventually you realize you only have two choices in life. Change or die. I choose to change.
Author CurlyIam Posted April 21, 2004 Author Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Did you only live in the same house with people you wanted to get married? Yes, and that's the only reason I would. Thanks, moi.
Fedup&givingup Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam May I please suggest I was NOT talking about marriage? Why are you always talking about marriage? Did you only live in the same house with people you wanted to get married? Actually yes. I thought I explained that in my first post here. Both people I was engaged to I was living with. I wouldn't even consider living with someone that wasn't marriage potential. What's the point in it?
Author CurlyIam Posted April 21, 2004 Author Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup Actually yes. I thought I explained that in my first post here. Both people I was engaged to I was living with. I wouldn't even consider living with someone that wasn't marriage potential. What's the point in it? woow! Then I kind of did it to myself - former bf. Better to realize it later then never, I guess
engaged and upset Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 One thing I've noticed…. (quoting another of my posts) love: strong affection for another arising out of kinship, personal ties; affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests commitment: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future marriage: the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex (or same sex) as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law note: you can have love and commitment without marriage you can have commitment and marriage without love (sad but possible) you can have love and marriage without commitment (ending a relationship without really trying) each of these words is mutually exclusive... I'd prefer to have love and commitment first and then marriage. (just my $0.02) *********************************** 1) Commitment is something you make to YOURSELF. Each party in a relationship makes a decision for himself EVERY DAY to uphold the pledge they have made to HIMSELF. If you're in a relationship with someone who can't maintain their commitment, you will probably end up failing to stay together. This probably has NOTHING to do with living together. 2) Church vows, vows in front of a Justice of the Peace, vows in front of a religious official, etc. are still vows you are really making to yourself- you're just saying them aloud with some pomp and ceremony… 3) religious note: Some will argue that you are making a vow to God, however, you are making a vow to YOURSELF in front of God (or gods or whatever). 4) I doubt that ANYONE has ever "LOVED" another person unconditionally for the entire length of a relationship. When you're mad, frustrated, upset, depressed, or misunderstood, you rely on your commitment to yourself to stay together to weather the storm (i.e. "I'm going to stay here and uphold my commitment, because things will get better."). Romance may die, but a deep caring for the other individual and desire to spend time together can keep a long term relationship together. *********************************** Sometimes there are good reasons to not live together (i.e. stress induced on children over a "trial" relationship). Sometimes there are good reasons to live together (i.e. financial burden may be easier maintaining one lodging). I personally like to consult "old married couples" (like my great-aunt and uncle- been married together) and ask how they did it. If you hear similar methods, then you've probably found a good method… I've heard a lot of talk on, "You just don't consider splitting. Figure out how to "accept the things you cannot change or change the things you cannot accept." (Obviously, you need a little common sense thrown in here--- If you are being mentally/physically harmed it MUST stop- even if you need to leave!). Just my $0.02. R
wideawake Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Just a quick note here. You sound like you're around the age I was when I first moved in with a girl, around 22-23 or so. At that time neither myself nor the girl (who was the same age) had any intention of getting married. We were young, in love and simply wanted to be together, and it was just nice to be able to come home to one and other. We took pleasure in the fact that we could be together as a couple, start the process of becoming adults, learn about one and other, and start to figure out how to both love and live with someone for the first time. So I don't think it's all that big a deal to live with someone, and not have a certain goal of marriage in mind. I do think this perhaps depends on one's age and maturity level, but for myself, I don't think the two have to go hand-in-hand. Sometimes it's enough to be in love, young and not worry about the future. Some of those days are still the best in my life. She's actually been married for well over 10 years now, has a new born daughter and is doing well. We still keep in touch and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. To each his own. And to yourself be true.
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 It is different once married I believe. It's complete trust, the institution of marriage that protects you, you vowed yourself and your parnter to make it work, I don't know. "Protects" you from what???
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