fanatic31 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 First off I wanted to say what a great forum this is. I wanted to share my story and see what everyone thinks, btw I am 31, divorced guy. So I met this girl a few months ago, we hit it off better than any woman I have ever met (she is 28). We started dating and things went....perfect. I didnt rush at first, just tried to go slow. After about 3 of 4 weeks, things started going fast (in hindsight, too fast). We were talking all day long, seeing each other multiple times a week, just generally enjoying each other. Even physically, it was absolutely amazing. We started making future plans, started doing the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing. We met each other's families, etc. I dont think I have ever been more happy during that time. It was just great. About 2 months in (yeah I know ridiculous and fast, lol) I could sense something a little different from her. She was sort of pulling back a little. I asked her about it and she just said she had to get used to this whole thing after being single (bad breakup for her a few years prior). Now I know at that point I started getting a little insecure (feeling of abandonment that surfaced since I was abandoned before in my marriage) and I definitely pressed a little. After a great week with her were we did all kinds of fun things and she was really showing me she was in this, things fell apart. I had to pull the words out of her, but she just felt she needed room to breathe, wanted to slow down, etc. It completely shocked me but yet I sort of saw the signs coming that she wanted to slow down. Well, stupidly, I reacted poorly. I was crushed. I didnt see what she was trying to tell me. So I pressed her, tried to talk about it, etc (you know all the things you guys/girls tell us not to do when a girl needs space). She would just keep saying things like she wasnt sure she was ready for this, needed space, wasnt sure she could put someone else first etc. After about a week of not seeing her and very little contact (which was so unusual) I just got my stuff back from her and told her I couldnt deal with this, and that I just wanted to end it. And quite frankly I was crushed. I thought this was it, I was so sure, based on our connection that things were going in a great direction. Well i had one more contact with her where I sent her an email with an article I read about smothering, realizing that in the end, when I became insecure I did smother . Told her I was sorry and that I would give her space. Her response was that this was all too much right now, and she was reaching her boiling point. I havent heard from her since. It has now been about a week. (3 total since we were hanging out and talking every day). I know now that I messed up at the end and should have given her the space she wanted. I guess my question is, is there a chance with this? Or is she gone? I really dont think there is anyone else involved, its more she was scared that we kind of just jumped into this. But now, with her completely ignoring me, I just sit here and wonder whether she misses me like I miss her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And I am sorry for the length.
california15 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I wonder too if he misses me/thinks about me. Then I figure probably not since he has a new gf. But I realize - Hey you know what, IT DOESN'T MATTER. We're going to drive ourselves insane wondering how they feel about us/miss us/think about us after the break up. Once the relationship ends it shouldn't matter how they feel. The only feeling from them that matters is that they don't want to be with us. Give her space. Go NC. Do not reach out to her. Do not send an "I'm sorry for not giving you space" text or email because that defeats the purpose. If you're sorry for smothering her, then space and silence is the best way to go about it. She is out living her life, not sitting around thinking if you're missing her. You deserve the same. Focus on you. Go out, do things, live the one life you've been given. If she comes back, great. If not, thats great too because you have your own life thats perfectly fine WITHOUT her.
Author fanatic31 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 It is great advice. And I have tried to do that. The first week I was a mess, didnt eat, generally sulked. This week I am back to being myself, going out, having fun, etc. I guess the hardest part is that she just threw away this connection we had. I mean it was really something different. We were comfortable with each other right away. To the point that she was always saying, how can it be this good? (well I guess it wasn't, ha) There was no fighting, no hurting, just fun. I just tell myself, if she wants to be with me, she will move mountains to make it happen. And if not, I will find better. I think what has taken me so long to get over this short relationship is that for the few years I have now been single I did not really open myself up. I dated a ton, but was picky. And I finally found a girl that I really clicked with and I let my guard down, and got burned. That is very tough for me to handle.
nikkinicole36 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 It sounds like the fear of commitment set in for her. Things were moving very rapidly and I think she just couldn't handle that. No contact at this point is your best option and to focus on you. Maybe you should start dealing with those abandonment issues, cause they seems to be hurting you big time in that you kept pressing even after she asked you to take a step back. Not that this is all your fault or anything, it just sounds like she was afraid of engulfment.
Author fanatic31 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 I agree with you Nicki. And I have started to work on that. It wasnt a big thing, I wasnt telling her where to go, what to do or anything like that. I just liked being in her presence. We had alot of fun together I just don't know if she will get over this fear. She even said that she just wasnt sure she was ready, when before she thought she was.
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