sweetblubrry Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) My ex and I broke up in Janauary after dating for 8 months. I wanted him back all this time, until last week I think. Because of some things he said to me. Long story short, at the breakup he didn't know what he wanted, didn't want to hold me back, and lied to me a ton (found out later). I work with him so I was still having contact with him and we had an argument last week on the phone about him lying again. I was so tired of everything... so I called him out on all his BS, and he admitted to dating someone else. Also he feels like around me he HAS to lie, I guess b/c of who I am and he doesn't feel the need to lie around her! The only thing I can think of is that he lies b/c he feels he isn't good enough for me. The lies are what bother me, yet he acts like none of that ever happened. He said some horrible hate-ful things that I don't think he can ever take back. Like when I called him a liar he said "f you" and said things like he doesn't like the person I've become, that I'm a mean, hateful, spiteful person. When in reality I haven't changed at all. He admitted to being a liar.... he said he lies so much he can't even tell what's the truth and what is a lie anymore. His best friends have told me this as well... they are on my side (not that I wanted them to be). I know I've read about that but not sure what it is. It hurts so much knowing the person I loved lied to me about every thing. Some little things that don't directly affect me, but also big things. Basically he lies b/c he is so insecure about who he is and has to make himself seem better to other ppl. And if he does it he will feel like he really is that person. I feel like I only got closure this last week b/c of our talk and he deleted his facebook so now I can't look at it (which was a serious problem before). Anyway. Thank God for this guy that I met online. We met in person about a week and a half ago just for 2 hours. Our first date was last Friday, where we went to dinner and walked around a park, and got some dessert. This Tuesday, we went to a theme park. So in reality only 2 dates. Still has not kissed me yet. He texts me everyday, and will call on occasion... something that I am not used to. He is really into me, and is always opening the door, makes sure I always walk ahead of him, guide me walking with his hand on my back, and other chivalrous things. I have a good time with him. He is also a year younger than me. I have my master's already and he has a bachelors but we both don't have "real" jobs yet. But I am not sure how I feel. Am I jumping the gun too much? I feel like I am still hung up on my ex and the pain and not sure what I want, even tho I could never take my ex back. What should I do? Continue to see this guy until I figure out what my feelings are? He is such a sweet heart and into me, and I don't want to hurt him. I feel very comfortable around him, like I can talk to him about anything even though this is the 2nd time we've hung out.. is that a good thing? With my ex, i remember I didn't like him right away either but fell in love with him after awhile. Is this some sort of defense mechanism I use? Just wondering if anyone else had the same experience. I've been thru a alot of bad relationships. I'm happy but not ya know? And I wanna kick myself b/c he treats me so well. I don't have those butterflies, but I think I may be trying to avoid it or something. Because I am afraid to change. Which a lot has changed... I'm actually in the process of changing jobs right now too. So new job, new guy, yeah.... What do ya'll think? Edited June 30, 2011 by sweetblubrry
toyneile79 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Just take your time. Find out what it is that you really want. Are you really ready for a new relationship, or is this guy just a distraction to keep you from pinning away at your ex. If you are genuinely interested in the new guy, tell him that you are just getting out of a relationship and that you want to take things slowly. I agree that the last thing you want to do is hurt the new guy.
Author sweetblubrry Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 What is crazy is that we both got out of a relationship at the same time in January. His was a year and a half and mine 8 months. Seems like guys get over things easier than girls.
geegirl Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 What is crazy is that we both got out of a relationship at the same time in January. His was a year and a half and mine 8 months. Seems like guys get over things easier than girls. Gender does not dictate how fast one gets over a break up. Every person deals with the process of healing after a break up at their own pace. If you really like this guy and feel that it can progress to something more, I would be honest with him and let him know that you really like his company and that you would like to take things slow. Seeing that he is alse fresh out of an R, he may welcome it too. But if you are not really interested but just distracting yourself, I would step away as you could potentially hurt him if he is truly invested and has interest in pursuing you. You want to be emotionally available and healthy when letting someone in.
Jaina19 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) It sounds like you're getting over your ex, which is great, but maybe you're not completely over him yet. It sounds like things are going well with this new guy, and he sounds lovely. Just be honest and tell the new guy how you're feeling, that's the best thing you can do. Don't worry if he hasn't kissed you yet, he might be shy, or getting mixed signals off you. And there's nothing wrong with going slowly. Good luck With my ex, i remember I didn't like him right away either but fell in love with him after awhile. Is this some sort of defense mechanism I use? Just wondering if anyone else had the same experience. I've had that experience... it can take more a couple of meetings to really get to know someone. Just take your time and see if you click What is crazy is that we both got out of a relationship at the same time in January. His was a year and a half and mine 8 months. Seems like guys get over things easier than girls. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion if you don't know the circumstances of his past relationship. I've been in relationships with a good break up that took months to get over, and with a guy who turned really nasty... took about a week to get over him. There's lots of factors involved. Edited June 30, 2011 by Jaina19
carhill Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 What should I do? Be honest about your ambivalence regarding your ex. With that disclosure out of the way, see how things go. Casual dating, singular or serial, as long as everyone is disclosed, can be a healthy way of re-entering the social dynamic. No need to put one's eggs in a single basket. My style is to process endings alone, but that is apparently relatively rare. Also, having some experience with women who are recently 'broken up' or 'separated', they indeed do like the change from their formerly unhealthy relationship endings but soon default back to their traditional attraction style which often is incompatible. IOW, it masks as compatible as a 'rebound' from a painful experience but, once the dust settles, it was nothing more than a mask and the man is history.
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