mtd4249 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I have posted here before, so some of you will be familiar with my story. I'll try to keep the background brief. I was in a relationship for about 16 years, which ended suddenly about 6 months ago when my ex came home one night and said she needed "space" and was "unhappy" - no prior warnings, no arguments, no real reason (throughout the relationship I was always faithful and not abusive to her). She went back to the city where her family lives, originally said she intended to come back. Seems she had a major midlife crisis, started acting half her age (she's 36), drinking heavily, nightclubbing etc. About 2 weeks after she left, I discovered she had found some random guy online in the first week she was away for a phone sex fling .. from there it was downhill and the relationship was officially called off about 3 months ago and she never returned. Things are now with the lawyers to split the assets - and I have to admit she isn't being nasty or trying to squeeze me for money. Yet, she hasn't contacted me with regards to the settlement at all .... she wasn't a good communicator in the good times (hence why she was apparently unhappyy all of last year but didn't tell me). Since she officially called off the relationship about 3 months ago, I have gone NC with her. That was working fine up until about 2 weeks ago ..... she then sent me a message on Facebook (I haven't deleted her from Facebook because I don't want to antagonize her before the settlement is over). Her message asked how I was doing and how the two dogs are. Two days later, I get another message from her that said:"I hope you know that deep down I will always care about you". I told her I was feeling ill, didn't feel like talking andhad a doctor's appointment last week (which I did). Another week goes by (last Sunday) and she sends another message on Facebook: "How did things go last week at the doctor? Here is my new phone number .... Is there any chance of getting some pics of the dogs?". I didn't/haven't responded ... although I know she would be missing the dogs a lot (she considered them her "babies"). Then today, I get an email from her that says: "I hope everything went well last week at the doctors" and forwarding me a link to something on History (I'm a lecturer in History), saying that she thought it might interest me. It was a forwarded link from some guy she works with at her new job in the city where she went and his email to her says something about the link he mentioned to her in a conversation (she didn't really have much interest in History, so why History was brought up in a conversation she had I can only assume because my name was mentioned ). Then she signs off the email with "take care, xxx". Given that she is in another city, has found herself a new job and property settlement is going through, I'm not deluded enough to think the relationship isn't over. But I'm wondering why she is making contact now even though I have been NC? I'm mindful of the fact that our relationship was 16 years -- there were/are very strong links between us and it was never an on again/off again relationship over the years. But, when she left, she didn't want to have contact with me and at times ignored by communications. I'm also mindful of the fact she abandoned me (and the dogs) in a city where we moved 5 years ago so I could secure a good job for our future ... I have no family her and only a couple of friends. But, now she is making this attempts to contact me (note it's never on the phone, always in online messages) ....WHY contacting me? There has never been an apology or explanation why she did what she did ..... Is she genuinely concerned about my health? Now she has a job (and who knows, maybe a boyfriend), does she think life is back to normal and she can send me small talk emails? I know for certain she would be missing the dogs .... is this her keeping touch with the life she left behind and maybe starting to miss? Remembering she is a really bad communicator - she can't seem to say what she thinks or feels and she is probably scared of my reaction .... are these small talk messages and the "will always care about you" message her way of trying to test the water and open up a dialogue? I'm confused about what to do .... she has made repeated attempts to contact me. I thought about send an out of office reply to her email today .... do I keep ignoring her (which, as you can imagine, is so hard after 16 years together and when I have so many questions and had no closure)? Do I respond with a "thanks, I'll take a look at the link" email? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks
toyneile79 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 After 16 years I can only imagine how hard it will be to go NC. There has to still be feelings there on her part. I'm sure she is genuinely concerned about your health and the dogs. And the fact that you haven't really contacted her has to be intriguing to her as well. I would say respond to her contact. Maybe it will help you to get closure. After a few conversations, maybe you can ask her the questions that you need answers to in order to get closure.
Author mtd4249 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 toyneile ... thanks for the reply. I'm really torn between knowing that NC helps get her off my mind and wanting to get closure (although I'm not sure I would -- I've previously asked the "why" question and would get either "I don't know" or "I've made my mind up" .... poor communicator). Of course, I never stopped loving this girl .... even though she stopped being in love with me. At the moment she walked out, I was dedicated to her for the rest of my life ..... it's hard just to drop her off the face of the earth, esp. when she is making an effort to contact (and maybe open up a dialogue) .....
toyneile79 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 While I think that in most cases NC works to help get your mind off of the other person, I also think that if you ignore her contact you might have that "what if" in the back of your mind. I'm not saying have deep contact in which you discuss the relationship right off the bat, but maybe she is trying to figure out a way to say what's truly on her mind, and maybe not, but give it a try. If she only gives you breadcrumbs, then you know that NC is the best way to go. Also, I also asked questions in which I received many "I don't knows." Makes me want to scream.
Author mtd4249 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 Thanks again .... the "I don't know" response is a straight up cop OU> How can someone not know when they're making life changing decisions? If they truly don't know, then they shouldn't be making decisions until they do know .... seems rational and logical BUT very often we're not dealing with people in rational and logical states ofmind! Hope whatever situation you're going through isn't causing you too much trauma!
The_Good_Me Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Hi mtd I'm in pretty much the same situation as you. I was dumped 11 weeks ago after being with my ex for 10 years. Not quite as long as your relationship but as I'm only 28 it's the entirety of my adult life so far. My ex moved away very quickly and has made no effort to contact me or explain what happened. I've not yet had any contact like this off her and I'm not expecting too but I've been preparing my mind in case it does happen as I like to keep an open mind. Basically this is my mentality behind it... I keep thinking along the lines of, "While she's not getting in contact with me seeking reconciliation, I must concentrate on healing and moving on as I cannot force her to come back, hence there is no choice". If I do that, then eventually I will get to a stage where I am properly healed which can only benefit me. If she comes back looking for reconciliation then I am in the strongest position I could be at that point. If reconciliation is what I want at that time then I will be in the strongest frame of mind to achieve it. If reconciliation is not what I want at that time then that will be last sign of having successfully moved on. If she comes back without looking for reconciliation then I will tell her that I am sorry but since the break up I have found a new life with a new social circle of friends, I have new hobbies and activities and there isn't any room in my life for her anymore. I would then ask her politely not to contact me again and wish her well in life. The reason for this is because I know I cannot just be friends with someone that has hurt me so much. Plus I really do feel as though my life is moving forward and I don't want to risk feelings for her coming back up that would more than likely lead to nothing. I just think it wouldn't be a good move to respond to anything that isn't about reconciliation. They are my thoughts though and you have to do whats right for you. toyneile79 has raised a good point though which I hadn't thought of and thats... "if you ignore her contact you might have that "what if" in the back of your mind.". I personally would not act on anything that doesn't include talking about the relationship though but that is me. Eventually I will get to a stage of having moved on and the "what if" won't be important to me anymore. Like I say though, these are just my thoughts on it and hopefully will work best for me. It's what I'm sticking too. You really do have to do what you think is right and I just wanted to share another way of thinking about it. Good luck mate!
Author mtd4249 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 The_Good_Me -- I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation to me. I know how tough it is, if you truly loved your ex. It's even harder when your ex took off quickly and you've been given no explanation. In some ways, I hope you don't get into a situation where your ex makes "small talk" contact with you ... it's tearing me in two directions. One makes me think there's no harm in sending a quick courteous acknowledgement -- at least, if she does actually have something to say for herself and these "small talk" messages are her way of seeing if the line of communication with me is still open, then I can never be accused of closing the door on dialogue. She knows me very well -- and usually if someone does the wrong thing to me that will be it .. no communication. Is she trying to see if that's it once and for all or seeing if I'm still leaving a little gap in the doorway for communication? But, then the other direction leads me to think that these are breadcumbs -- nothing substantial -- and in the weeks immediately after she walked out there were times when my messages were being ignored. Like your relationship with your ex, the time together constitutes a significant portion of my adult life. When you are a genuine person who truly loved someone (and on the day they walked out, hadn't stopped loving them) for such a long period of time, it's extremely difficult to just ignore them when they make contact. Of course, as you say, the risk of these communications from the ex is they can reopen wounds or maybe risk feelings for her coming back, and for me too it's hard to see myself being friends with my ex (which, all things considered, is rather sad given how many years were spent together). I think for both of us it's all too soon to make a definitive judgement about being friends ..... I say this because before this 16 year relationship, I had a 7 year relationship with another girl (which ended when she cheated on me -- I've got rotten luck, huh!?!). For the better part of 16 years, I wiped my ex ex from my life and mind ... then recently she tracked me down on Facebook .. she's now (unhappily) married with a kid and I talk to her on Facebook every now and then. She's like a distant "friend" .... there's no anger, no pain, completely indifferent .... so, maybe somewhere down the line we can be "friends" with our exs but maybe now it's all too soon. Keep in touch .... sounds like we're grappling with a lot of the same issues.
GivenUp0083 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 But, now she is making this attempts to contact me (note it's never on the phone, always in online messages) ....WHY contacting me? There has never been an apology or explanation why she did what she did ..... My ex did the same thing when she broke NC after a month, then again after 6 weeks. Always on gchat or text, never answered when I tried to call and made some excuse like "sorry I missed your call I was sleeping" Honestly, it's a cowardly way of checking in on you. There could be many reasons why, but I think of using the internet or text which is so impersonal (even an email would have been more personal) to contact you is a joke and should be ignored. I won't ever respond to my ex, and she can't even contact me since I blocked her on all sites that I have chat on. If she wants to talk to me, she'll have to show up at my doorstep because I'll never answer a phone call or text either.
Author mtd4249 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 GivenUp0083 -- I agree, texting and online chat is a poor way of communicating. It's a cop out - but ... you, me and a lot of others on here have probably been getting cop outs from our exs from the day they dumped us. My ex couldn't communicate during the good times, so now the times are bad I couldn't expect her to woman-up and deal with the hard issues first (like why the hell she abandoned me and tore my heart out!) before getting to the small talk like we're friends and nothing happened. Unlike you, I don't have any chance of my ex turning up on my doorstep ... she's miles away in another state ... but, I'll take the welcome mat inside just in case!! LOL
The_Good_Me Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Hi mtd I should have said this on my first reply... I'm very sorry to hear that you're in this situation at the moment. I can't begin to imagine the confusion and conflicting emotions you must be going through. I see what you mean when you say "it's extremely difficult to just ignore them when they make contact.". I've been telling myself and I suppose convincing myself that I'll be strong if I get these types of messages. I guess I don't really know what I'll feel if I'm ever in the same situation. Knowing that I have loved her for so many years and planned my entire future around her I'm sure that even if they came another 10 years down the line from now, there would still be a pull on the old heart strings no matter how small. She was a huge part of my life as I know your ex is yours so I can completely sympathise with your current predicament. I totally agree with something else you said in your reply too "hard to see myself being friends with my ex (which, all things considered, is rather sad given how many years were spent together).". It really is sad to have a once truly special and amazing relationship with somone, for it to be disappear completely. You don't just lose a lover, you lose one of your best friends! Losing a friendship can be just as hard as losing a partner and we've lost both at the same time as many others have before us. So very sad! You're also 100% right when you say it's too early for either of us to think things like "we can't ever be friends" as you never know! It is very hard to imagine that right now of course as the wounds are still fresh. I am open to the thought that one day we can have a platonic relationship but right now I don't want to think about that. I'm finding it easier to heal when I don't think about what could happen a few years down the line. I just need to think about today and today I cannot be just friends so it's gotta be about moving on now. It's really cool that you regained a friendship with your ex of 7 years and it's great to hear that it can happen Keep me updated on what you decide to do with these emails mate. I'd like to hear how it turns out. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
EgoJoe Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 No contact is for you to completely heal emotionally. I'm younger than you guys and my breakup was...alot more convoluted (LDR but not a net R/S). You're in a position of power (to whatever end) and you need to realize that it is NOT for reconciliation. These are breadcrumbs and whether they are egotistical or not. MTD I think your wife has late onset GIGS...now we call this GIGS around here to give a broad analysis of what has happened. The truth is that it (GIGS) is egocentrism and instant gratification with the modern cosmopolitan stigma all boiled into one. I would suggest being 100% forthcoming to her should you wish to respond AND when/if you do just tell her that because of your feelings and desires you do not wish contact until you are completely healed. EVEN if this is for reconciliation and then add that you are not interested in that at this time due to the nature of the current state of your feelings. This is just my suggestion.
Author mtd4249 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Thanks again for the replies. The_Good_Me -- I think you're right that it is the losing of a friend that is as hard (if not harder) than losing a romantic partner .... it's a double hit with a sledgehammer! I've realized that I was so deeply invested in my ex that there was little or no concept of life without her .... that, by definition, is over-invested in someone else and it's probably not the healthiest personal or relationship position. On the other hand, that over-investment meant that I was going to be forever committed to her and I always thought that was an attribute not easily found. It sounds like you had a very similar connection with your ex .... one day they might (are likely to) find out that the commitment and connection they had with us is not easily regained. You don't quickly regain 10 years of connection (or 16 years, in my case) with a new partner. I sometimes think to myself, in order to get to exactly the same understanding, level of comfort etc. with someone new that I had with my ex it will be 16 years from now ... not sure that is progress! It's an interesting situation with my ex ex (the one I was with for 7 years until she cheated on me) .... she has told me that it took her years to go 360 degrees and find what she thought was the same level of love I gave to her (again, you have to ask, is that progress to spend so many years to end up in much the same emotional place!). She has a 9 year old child to her husband, but about 3 years ago he apparently went to Thailand and had a fling there. Of course, now she has realized that the sort of faithful commitment I provided to her doesn't come from everyone - surprise,surprise!!! I keep her as a 'distant' friend .... the only communications with her are on Facebook or email (no phone and she lives in a different state to me). Nearly every time we talk, she will reminisce about things from our relationship about 20 years ago that I've long since forgotten LOL .... she also hints at wanting to get back with me, which is of no interest to me whatsoever. I have no emotional attachment at all to her and it's interesting how with time the pain is desensitized. So, there's a chance (and I'd say probably a good chance) that we will both end up "friends" with our exs .... 10 and 16 years with them are big numbers, significant chunks from our lives and once the hurt disappears we might be curious enough to know what they're up to but not really care. Once you're in that state of mind, you know you have fully moved on. EgoJoe -- my ex was definitely on a campaign for instant self-gratification, the pursuit of "pure" happiness - she had convinced herself that life with me was that bad she had to end it - in her mind, there was nothing in the relationship that was worth trying to make it work, so she folded. In the end, I sent her a laconic reply that said: "Hello, thanks for the link. I will look at it some time. You take care too. Bye". It's polite, I can't be accused of ever ignoring her, and it's an equal dish of breadcrumbs that is being offered to me. So far, she hasn't sent another message.
Author mtd4249 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 I mentioned that my ex messaged me with her new phone number ... the more I think about it, the stranger that is. What's her motive for this? Does she think I want to call her or is it her wanting me to call her? She has to have a motive ....
Graceful Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I mentioned that my ex messaged me with her new phone number ... the more I think about it, the stranger that is. What's her motive for this? Does she think I want to call her or is it her wanting me to call her? She has to have a motive .... Hola Mtd! Know what? I honestly don't think your ex has any motives at all, unless you consider a lack of empathy for how she's hurt you a motive, but I certainly don't. She's friend zoned you, she has detached and removed herself from your emotions, doesn't care about you or your emotions on the level she once did, and therefore, sending her contact information is just an old habit, which also shows that she has no clue as to how she's hurt you. I mean, who does that so matter of factly? If she'd sent it and said, "here's my new phone number, I thought I'd send it in case you'd like to talk, I'm here for you" or even saying that she's not even sure you'd want it! I think your ex is very transparent, but you're too close to the situation to see her for who she is just yet. She had months upon months to detach and plan her move. She never said a word. She never considered your feelings, never sat you down and told you that she was confused. Nothing. The sooner you can see that she's one-sided about everything she does right now, it will help you to stop analyzing if she has motives or anything else. She's all about "me, myself, and I', she makes unilateral decisions, she does not consider anyone but herself ... shall I go on? Don't think I need to, you're a smart guy who is getting over being blind-sided by the person who slept beside you for 16 years. She's not there anymore, so start acting for yourself, your preservation, your progress, your mental health, your everything. That's what she's doing, isn't it? P.S. I love the way you handled this: In the end, I sent her a laconic reply that said: "Hello, thanks for the link. I will look at it some time. You take care too. Bye". It's polite, I can't be accused of ever ignoring her, and it's an equal dish of breadcrumbs that is being offered to me. So far, she hasn't sent another message. Perfect. Speaks volumes, IMHO. Nice job.
Author mtd4249 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Graceful -- thank you for the reply and sorry it took me so long to respond. I went away for a few days to the city where my parents live and to see my sister before she went back to the US to live. It also happens to be the city to where my ex moved and everything you said is spot on --- and you're right, she doesn't have any motives for sending me those messages. It's all about her and, in fact, I've found out while away she wants her cake and eat it too. How I found this out is an unbelieveable story, which I posted while I was away ... if you're interested, here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t285566/ How are you doing?
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