sun_moon Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I really didn't think this was possible, but it happened. I'm not talking about a reconciliation and I'm not talking about getting back together, just an apology. If anyone has been following my recent events, my ex has been reaching out repeatedly to me. I left things alone. I had enough pain and I am so determined to move past him. I tried so hard to stay NC, when I fell off, it was LC, but overall I more than kept my distance, but he kept reaching out. I didn't do it as a form of manipulation, and it certainly wasn't hoping I would be getting him back. That person is gone, and my hopes and aspirations died with him. I'm left to pick up the pieces, grieve, learn, grow, and forget. I miss him but the future is gone, its dead. I have to start new with someone else someday. It will happen. Today he calls me and leaves a voice mail for the first time requesting to talk, saying he repeatedly tried to reach me, wants to talk to me and then left a thank you. I first said no, I'm not responding, then I told myself I will contact him and tell him to stay away, this isn't a game, and to stop using excuses (like the money he owes) as a crutch to keep contact. So I don't reach him because he's in class, he sends a text if he can call me after. I asked if it was an emergency/important because it sounded important, he said yes please. Of course, it wasn't. He wanted to share some good news with me about a small scholarship he received. Funny how when I had something good happen in my life or even worse, something bad, and I needed to talk to him or wanted to share the great news, I didn't, because we are over and I had to deal with things BY MYSELF and fight the urge to go to him. I was crawling inside my skin staying away and running to something (mostly LS or friends) to keep myself away until the moment passed. He said the scholarship news meant he can pay me back soon. I swear if I held my breath for every time I heard that I would be dead. So I say well that's great, congratulations and I'm glad I will get it soon. We had small talk and it continued. It was like I was watching myself do this from an outsider's perspective yet I continued. He said call me if you even need anything or want to hang out sometime? I'm thinking, are you freaking kidding me? What the hell is this pretending everything is ok business. I wanted to laugh in his face, but instead I said thanks but no thanks that's not a good idea. My god this LC intended conversation, the one where I planned to stay on for only 5 minutes after I said my piece to stay NC didn't go as planned. It turned into a 1.5 hour conversation. I asked him AGAIN to please just put the money in the account and just text me when its done, I told him he didn't have to call. After his comment on hanging out, I called him out on our current conversation, I said this wasn't an emergency and it was hardly about the money, cant you just be honest about your intentions? You leave me texts sounding irritated because I'm not responding, what did you expect? Did you forget how we left things? Did you forget the last impression you left in my mind? Did you forget the last things we said to each other? How can you pretend that everything is normal and then sound IRRITATED because I'm not responding to you? Can you blame me for not talking, for what? More importantly, would you talk to me if the roles were reversed? I think I stunned him. I continued to say we both agreed and know that there is nothing to say and we shouldn't be in contact, he had no response to that. I even said don't you think talking like this is unhealthy? He said I'm having a great conversation with you, there is nothing wrong with that. I said I actually have to stop myself because we no longer have the intimate bonding privilege we once had, we aren't together. I know he didn't like hearing that. I should have stopped myself there I should have said my piece about NC and just let him go, but I didn't. He started talking, one sentence led to another and another and before I knew it, he was saying this: "I've done a lot of soul searching and I realized I was in denial about my actions and what I said, I've been trying to reach you to talk to you, to tell you what has been on my mind, what I've discovered, what I've learned, but you just didn't pick up, you didn't want to listen. When we agreed to meet to give you the first part of the money and you sent your friend instead, I was so angry, I was so hurt, because I planned to talk to you that day, tell you everything I did, what I realized. I was going to tell you that I ended it and admit all my faults. I REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO YOU! I WAS SO ANGRY AT YOU FOR NOT SHOWING UP!" I responded by naturally saying " Why would I put myself through that and take the risk of more heartache, how did I know you weren't gonna bring the girl with you, I didn't know what was up your sleeve, you were so cruel before. Besides, I was so angry, I didn't want to see you. You made yourself clear you were "happy" and we said no more communication. If you really urgently wanted to fix things and wanted to prove to me this was a mistake, you should have acted faster. Also, you should have ASKED ME or told me you would like to talk during that meeting for my money. You ASSumed I would, big mistake. He argued, he did act urgently, it was with in a week. He took the time to sort out his thoughts and feelings of: anger, denial, guilt, fear, more anger, shock, etc. (Longest week of my miserable life and hardest, I cried over 3 times a day) I said: Don't you know I appreciate candidness and openness better than tricks and excuses?" You would think that this information would take me over the edge and make me scream why oh why??? TIMING argh...but it didnt. I was a little sad for him and a bit sad just in general, but yet again, it was another sign we weren't meant for each other. His initial action killed the hope to begin with, he should have never jumped in to someone new. Am I glad the rebound has ended? Of course, but it doesn't change where we are now, now does it? So he said his piece, what he has been wanting to say for a while. He continued with the conversation, he took ownership for his faults and continued to even call himself a Jackass. I couldn't believe it, I heard denial and Jackass in the same sentence referring to himself. I was in complete shock, I was so cynical and even questioned if he was seeing a therapist? Then he reminded me he was broke. lol He admitted that the girl/rebound was a mistake and knows that his actions/behaviors killed all hope. It was his fault, he apologized for blaming me and owned up to it. We talked for a while, and I realized, actually we both realized we were beating a dead horse, I began to re-hash things, I stopped myself, he did the same. He apologized and stated he sees my point of view, how I was deceived, etc. I'm not proud of myself for breaking NC, I was week. I can say this, I really didn't think I would hear remorse of any kind, definitely not any time soon. It's all I ever wanted, you can even read my last post. It's ironic, I had a dream about this happening Monday night when he called and I ignored it, I cried a bit and went to bed thinking about it. I had a dream he came to me in tears apologizing and owning up to his mistakes. Here I am telling all of you about it. Want to know how it ended? I said so please don't reach out to me, its not conducive to anything healthy. Please send the text when the money is in. Congratulations on your news. He said ok, but you can call me anytime and if you ever change your mind about "hanging out or talking" let me know. Good bye
fiat500 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 oh wow. SO bittersweet. So real. At least you are in a better place now. I believe this is what most of us yearn for. Thanks for sharing.
Mack05 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Sunmoon I wouldn't beat yourself too much over this. He had made repeated attempts to contact you and in this instance I think most people are curious as to what their ex wants. I'm glad he apologised. I said in your other thread people can change and grow, but they should show these changes with another partner (i.e not you!). It seems to me you guys left on pretty ok terms. I personally think you have handled things really well. I mean a few days back you were missing him, now you seem so confident that you have closure. Which means any lingering doubt you had is gone and you can move forward in a positive frame of mind knowing you made the correct decision. Not only that, but it seems there is no real anger or bitterness there between the two of you. That shows a lot of class and maturity. You should be proud of yourself
Author sun_moon Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 Oh dear, thank you Mack. I'm very much still angry, I go in an out of it. I also know this 'high' feeling is temporary. I still miss him, the difference is,the big one is, I accepted the demise of the relationship a loooooooooooong time ago. To all you new comers on here, you have no idea how powerful acceptance is, it really is a catalyst to your healing. I'm by no means over it, and I'm by no means ready to date, and I havent forgiven him or myself, that will come in time. Oh, I had a few choice words for him,but I was composed. More to come, I didnt put everything in there because it was long enough....I will be back tonight.
Mack05 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Sunmoon don't be in a rush to forgive. That takes time, just do what you have been doing, working through your emotions and when the time is right then you can forgive and move on. Too many people use anger and bitterness towards their ex, to avoid dealing with the uncomfortable feelings that dealing with their emotions/feelings/grief brings about. You are not one of those people. There is no set time to move on, its different for everybody. As long as people don't rush through their grief or worse still avoid it. In the next few weeks you will realise just how big a milestone yesterday was. Your doing great! I think if you could post your entire story (into one condensed version) and the steps you completed to get where you are, will really help out alot of people on this site. You are a fantastic example of how someone should behave in the aftermath of a tough breakup. I myself have learnt a lot from you :-)
Author sun_moon Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 THANK YOU so much for that, I think yesterdays events are wearing off already. In a way they need to so I can heal. I'm in a state of disbelief but in a good way. I dont know if I will see what you described as a milestone yet but time will tell. For now, I am still coping like everyone else. It took a lot of initial mistakes, tears, and anguish to get to where I am now but I can say this: I accepted the end of the relationship and I also made a conscious effort to want to heal and move on. Being proactive makes a huge difference. Readers ask yourself this: who is in control of your life? I'm off to read my book that someone on here recommended , I must get past the first chapter. (Getting past Your break up) I will be back with more information when I'm not tired with a headache.
wilsonx Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 such an awesome book, ive read it twice... ive done everything in the book to break up with my ex... im at the anger part of the break up where I am in disbelief that I allowed this to happen and I did not do anything to stop it. But its becoming more and more apparent that this is a learning experience and next time, I will not allow myself to be used by such an immature cunt
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