sweetblubrry Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) My ex and I broke up in Janauary after dating for 8 months. Most of my posts have been on the 'breaks and breaking up' board. I wanted him back all this time, until last week I think. Because of some things he said to me. Long story short, at the breakup he didn't know what he wanted, didn't want to hold me back, and lied to me a ton (found out later). I work with him so I was still having contact with him and we had an argument last week on the phone about him lying again. I was so tired of everything... so I called him out on all his BS, and he admitted to dating someone else. The lies are what bother me, yet he acts like none of that ever happened. He said some horrible hate-ful things that I don't think he can ever take back. Like when I called him a liar he said "f you" and said things like he doesn't like the person I've become, that I'm a mean, hateful, spiteful person. When in reality I haven't changed at all. He admitted to being a liar.... he said he lies so much he can't even tell what's the truth and what is a lie anymore. His best friends have told me this as well... they are on my side (not that I wanted them to be). I know I've read about that but not sure what it is. It hurts so much knowing the person I loved lied to me about every thing. Some little things that don't directly affect me, but also big things. Basically he lies b/c he is so insecure about who he is and has to make himself seem better to other ppl. And if he does it he will feel like he really is that person. I feel like I only got closure this last week b/c of our talk and he deleted his facebook so now I can't look at it (which was a serious problem before). Anyway. Thank God for this guy that I met online. We met in person about a week and a half ago just for 2 hours. Our first date was last Friday, where we went to dinner and walked around a park, and got some dessert. This Tuesday, we went to a theme park. So in reality only 2 dates. Still has not kissed me yet. He texts me everyday, and will call on occasion... something that I am not used to. He is really into me, and is always opening the door, makes sure I always walk ahead of him, guide me walking with his hand on my back, and other chivalrous things. I have a good time with him. He is also a year younger than me. I have my master's already and he has a bachelors but we both don't have "real" jobs yet. But I am not sure how I feel. Am I jumping the gun too much? I feel like I am still hung up on my ex and the pain and not sure what I want, even tho I could never take my ex back. What should I do? Continue to see this guy until I figure out what my feelings are? He is such a sweet heart and into me, and I don't want to hurt him. I feel very comfortable around him, like I can talk to him about anything even though this is the 2nd time we've hung out.. is that a good thing? With my ex, i remember I didn't like him right away either but fell in love with him after awhile. Is this some sort of defense mechanism I use? Just wondering if anyone else had the same experience. I've been thru a alot of bad relationships. I'm happy but not ya know? And I wanna kick myself b/c he treats me so well. I don't have those butterflies, but I think I may be trying to avoid it or something. Because I am afraid to change. Which a lot has changed... I'm actually in the process of changing jobs right now too. So new job, new guy, yeah.... What do ya'll think? Edited June 30, 2011 by sweetblubrry
smudge21 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Yes, you still have that emotional bond or attachment to your ex - perfectly normal I think. Despite how people get treated they can still love that person, or at least the person they thought they were. You probably still focus on all the good times with your ex and also feel let down that he changed and hurt you so bad. It's hard to accept that after so long someone could be like that, so you instead look for answers where there are none. All this builds up and leads to no closure, so you continue to think about them; think there's something that needs saying or doing; think that there's something important like closure that needs to happen. The truth is, people change, people cheat, people lie. It's sad and hurtfull when it happens but it does happen. You just have to force yourself to accept that the man you love is long gone, left only in his place is someone who looks like him, but isn't really him. Be honest, knowing what you know about this guy now, would you date him if you just met him? Would you warn others about dating him too? There's no easy answer to breaking that emotional bond, it comes with time. A big help though is in meeting someone else - I'm not talking about jumping into bed with someone, I mean someone who treats you better than your ex did and respects you; shows you how things should be. And you've found that. This new guy sounds great for you and clearly wants to take things slowly and knows how to treat a lady. You've got to make sure that your ex doesn't cost you this one - and by that I mean, the feelings and memories you have for him, don't interfere with what could be something good. Personally, if I was in this new guys shoes I'd want you to tell me exactly what's going on and how you feel. How you know the relationship is over, but your head is still pretty messed up over it. Be honest and make it clear you care for this new guy a lot and you would like it to work, but the last thing you want to do is hurt him. Everyone who comes out of a bad relationship (or even a good one) is messed up a little for quite a while, and maybe he understands that. This isn't about pushing him away, it's about bringing him closer, by being open and honest. You should never let one bad situation cause another.
Imajerk17 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Well sweetbluberry, it's really all your fault that you've been hurt a lot. YOU were the one who made those bad choices of who to end up with. When you had a couple nice guys pursuing you too. (Yes, I read some of your threads as I do with all people I give advice to...man you go for some crazies! Messed up...) Anyway, take responsibility.
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