100% dedicated to recovery, but Is this necessary? Can I do this without it?

June 30, 2011

Ex was an ass at the end. [Most of them are, right?]. Breakup was the most painful thing I've experienced.

As I've been reading threads here and in coping, I noticed most people go through an anger stage when they breakup.

I know I'm still fresh, only a month out, but I haven't hit it yet, and wondering if I ever will.

There are plenty of reasons why I should be mad - things he said, things he did, things he didn't do etc. He was very hurtful and was a d*** and it was just awful and looking back I realize that. The emotion I have the most of is sadness - I'm more sad than anything (but I'm not as sad as I thought I'd be).

I don't want to be consumed by hatred or anger when I think of him, whether it be now or in 20 years.

1) I wonder if this stems from the fact that during the last 6 months of the relationship I stopped sticking up for myself or telling him when things bothered me. In essence I was scared to get angry with him or have an argument with him or give him a reason to get mad, because I was scared he was going to cheat, or leave, or call me names, or turn it around on me. I wonder if because I wouldn't let myself get mad at him during the end of the relationship if that's why I'm not in the anger stage either. Related?

2) Is the anger stage necessary? You think it's possible to fully cope and move on if bypassing the anger stage all together?

June 30, 2011

The anger will hit you california... its starting to hit me 1 month out. Im 10 days into NC and I thought I was doing well but the more I actually push forward and tell myself it doesnt matter anymore its over, the more hurt I become. I actually cried at work yesterday and I have never done that before in public. Right now as I am typing I have this huge anger built up inside me.

It will come when it comes but the past couple days I as I realize that this relationship was garbage and its over, the anger has gotten worse and worse because of her betrayal to me and the **** she said at the end of the breakup while she lied to me until the very end

June 30, 2011

I never went through the anger stage. I always looked at it as why should I be angry with her? I spent some of the best years of my life with my ex, and I believe that she did at one point love me. just because she wanted a change in lifestyle and I wasn't part of the change I shouldn't harbor negative feelings towards it.

I think it depends on whether you blame the dumper for your pain or you fully accept the pain. After looking back at our relationship I realized that I don't blame her a bit for dumping me, it just wasn't a fulfilling relationship and I failed to recognize it while I was with her.

June 30, 2011

Wilsonx: liars are pretty ****ty huh? I've read your story and it sucks. I'm sorry you had to catch them. Makes you think WTF.

but back to your reply; kind of like the more you push through and move on the more you realize all the ****ty things that happened? or feeling duped by who you thought they were? I dont know.

I don't know why I'm scared to get angry. Maybe because I feel that once I get angry I'm going to holding on to a grudge forever and that grudge will hold me back. from future relationships because I'm so focused on the anger from this ex.

or maybe its related to the last 6 months I talked about...

June 30, 2011

I never went through the anger stage. I always looked at it as why should I be angry with her? I spent some of the best years of my life with my ex, and I believe that she did at one point love me. just because she wanted a change in lifestyle and I wasn't part of the change I shouldn't harbor negative feelings towards it.

I think it depends on whether you blame the dumper for your pain or you fully accept the pain. After looking back at our relationship I realized that I don't blame her a bit for dumping me, it just wasn't a fulfilling relationship and I failed to recognize it while I was with her.

interesting but at the same time your ex was probably more mature then mine... i caught mine cheating on me and you know i feel slightly betrayed as she was trying to have her cake and eat it too

June 30, 2011

I am at the 3 month mark after my break up, and I haven't gone through an anger stage. I'm not sure that I will.

There are things I should be angry with him for- but since I function as a person that blames myself way too much- I'm not likely to go through anger in the grieving process. I have fleeting moments where I feel a bit of anger- but it's short lived.

Logically, I know my ex was troubled, and not at all a good fit for me. Everytime I have a down day I reason with myself that despite the pain- it's for the best that I'm not with him.

A month is still so recent. Try and start getting into the habit of replacing thoughts of missing him with facts. He was a dick, he treated you badly, he was controlling.... Everytime a thought of missing him comes up- reason with yourself and tell yourself he was bad for you because of A, B, C.

I have moments where I think of him and just miss him like crazy- but I try not to wallow in it. I'll immediately replace that by reasoning all the reasons he was bad for me.

Make a list of all the things your ex did that makes him a bad partner- look at that list often- memorize it. Get into the habit of replacing thoughts of sadness with reasons why you are better off without him.

June 30, 2011

Heartofaphoenix; i think you raise a good point that I did spend some of the best years of my life with him (it wasn't awful forever, just at the end like I described).

maybe because I'm not taking the end of the relationship personally is why I'm not angry.

I just didn't know if anyone else skipped over the anger stage. Thanks for your reply

June 30, 2011

interesting but at the same time your ex was probably more mature then mine... i caught mine cheating on me and you know i feel slightly betrayed as she was trying to have her cake and eat it too

not sure about more mature, I'll be 21 in sept and she just turned 20. you can read my thread about that weird IM thing she started a few weeks ago which I still don't understand what her intentions were but maybe I'm just labelling her as immature

I'm also more of a forgive and let live kind of person to so that might be why I never hit that stage of anger (yes forgive and let live, some things you just can't forget).

June 30, 2011

D-lish: thanks for the reply. I did write on a list of paper things I liked about him and things I didn't, and when I actually saw the difference in list lengths it helped reinforce that the breakup was probably for the best. Trying to approach it logically as you said. A list of a bad partner, not necessarily a bad person.

I just want to see him one day or think about him one day down the line and think "We really loved each other at one time" and then move on with my day and not be consumed with anger or hatred (even though he was hurtful and mean at the end and I have a reason to be pissed off) or dwell on it.

June 30, 2011

D-lish: thanks for the reply. I did write on a list of paper things I liked about him and things I didn't, and when I actually saw the difference in list lengths it helped reinforce that the breakup was probably for the best. Trying to approach it logically as you said. A list of a bad partner, not necessarily a bad person.

I just want to see him one day or think about him one day down the line and think "We really loved each other at one time" and then move on with my day and not be consumed with anger or hatred (even though he was hurtful and mean at the end and I have a reason to be pissed off) or dwell on it.

You'll get to that point.

You just do whatever is needed currently to get yourself healed. You won't hate him in the future- no matter what you tell yourself now to get over this. When you are truly over him, you'll feel indifference- and THAT'S when you know you are over him.

No matter what you are going though now- you'll hit indifference one day...So feel free to be angry now in the moment.

June 30, 2011

You'll get to that point.

You just do whatever is needed currently to get yourself healed. You won't hate him in the future- no matter what you tell yourself now to get over this. When you are truly over him, you'll feel indifference- and THAT'S when you know you are over him.

No matter what you are going though now- you'll hit indifference one day...So feel free to be angry now in the moment.

how long does it take to get to the indifference stage...months?

June 30, 2011

No, the anger stage is not at all necessary. I think people get angry when they have a reasonable expectation and then that expectation isn't met. But it doesn't sound like your ex really pulled the wool over your eyes like that; it appears he was a jackass all along, and you simply tolerated it. Thus, when he pulled his jackass move of the century at the end, you were shocked, but it wasn't entirely out of the realm of how low you figured he might go. I think in one way or another, you expected some kind of horrible-treatment finale. So yes, I think it does have a bit to do with the fact that you were a push over toward the end, but only because...even waaaay before he left you, you knew about and sort of accepted the douche-baggery he was capable of. So for you to get really angry might be kind of analygous to being angry at a child for eating crayons or something. You just didn't EXPECT a lot of rhyme or reason out of your ex. However, you may down the line get angry at yourself for wasting your time with him. You might get upset that you let yourself get treated like that. Because your sadness isn't really about him at all, it's about how you let him treat you. I think you're sad about the way it all went down, you might feel like you lost the fight. But you didn't, you won, trust me. You won in the grand scheme of things. Because yeah, he beat you down a bit, but because of it, you've learned to fight back. And knowing how to fight back, how to protect and defend yourself, is priceless. So if you ever find yourself feeling angry (at yourself), remember that you needed to learn to fight back, to have some respect for yourself. Some times you gotta lose some to win some (not like he was a loss, he remains the biggest tool I recollect hearing about on this site). But you know what I mean.

I know you...want to look back on him someday and think "we really loved each other"...but I'll be honest here, I don't think you will, at least in the way you're visioning. You'll look back and go "we had good times" but then you'll realize how FAR you've come since then. And that's going to just be, a more powerful feeling than the nostalgia. And it'll be a good thing.

June 30, 2011

how long does it take to get to the indifference stage...months?

Yes, perhaps many months, for some of us, maybe more than a year.

For me, it crept up on me gradually. It depends on how invested you were at the time of the break up.

For me, I was over the actual person way before I was over being rejected if that makes sense.

June 30, 2011

Yes, perhaps many months, for some of us, maybe more than a year.

For me, it crept up on me gradually. It depends on how invested you were at the time of the break up.

For me, I was over the actual person way before I was over being rejected if that makes sense.

that does make sense... i was really invested in the end... ive made a lot of progress forward tough since then 2 weeks ago I was a mess, Ive finally got things back on track. I realize internally that "I dodged a bullet"

Stray said "I think you're sad about the way it all went down, you might feel like you lost the fight. But you didn't, you won, trust me. You won in the grand scheme of things. Because yeah, he beat you down a bit, but because of it, you've learned to fight back. And knowing how to fight back, how to protect and defend yourself, is priceless."

I think this is true as well, Im mainly angry now that I did not stop it when I should have, I allowed it to continue on way to long"

June 30, 2011

that does make sense... i was really invested in the end... ive made a lot of progress forward tough since then 2 weeks ago I was a mess, Ive finally got things back on track. I realize internally that "I dodged a bullet"

Stray said "I think you're sad about the way it all went down, you might feel like you lost the fight. But you didn't, you won, trust me. You won in the grand scheme of things. Because yeah, he beat you down a bit, but because of it, you've learned to fight back. And knowing how to fight back, how to protect and defend yourself, is priceless."

I think this is true as well, Im mainly angry now that I did not stop it when I should have, I allowed it to continue on way to long"

Everytime you have a moment when you miss them, replace it with a thought of why not having them in your life anymore is better for you.

June 30, 2011

Everytime you have a moment when you miss them, replace it with a thought of why not having them in your life anymore is better for you.

i honestly do not have any moments anymore when I miss her, i just get angry at the betrayal and the way the relationship ended and I am angry at myself too for allowing it to happen

June 30, 2011

California, anger is one of the stages of grief. Its perfectly understandable to feel anger. Don't ignore it. Feeling your feelings and going through emotions can be very uncomfortable. The one thing you musn't do is avoid dealing with your feelings. That gets you into trouble later.

Here is one person's experience of the 5 stages of grief which hopefully you can identify with Cali...The thing is not to rush yourself. Take your time before moving on. Once you are ready to move on, do so on your terms with no anger or bitterness towards your ex (i.e. forgive them).

"Everything was perfect between us except for this one thing: I was in love with my boyfriend but he wasn’t in love with me. So we ended it. For my part I immediately fell into a rapid cycling of grief expressions. We are none of us alone in this. Here I apply the five identified stages of grief to my own experience.

Denial: Ever since we split I have been spending most of my time in a state of denial. I find it is easier to remove myself from the sadness of reality by fantasizing about getting back together. My favorite version of this fantasy is one where my x and I meet unexpectedly in summer. I have a nice tan and a new haircut. I am happy and smiling; life is fine because I have moved on. He sees me and suddenly realizes that he loved me all along and life is empty without me. It all moves along nicely from there. Version two of the get-back-together fantasy: It is next week and a cold, rainy night. He shows up at my door. He brings flowers. He begs me to take him back, and I, compassionately, tell him all is forgiven. I get somewhat agitated every time I realize that I am not predicting the future, or even forecasting a likely scenario. I am simply in denial that this break up is for good. At this point in time however, it brings me a relief from sadness that would follow if I rushed into cool acceptance of the facts.

More on Grief and Denial

Moving on…

Anger: Admittedly, I am prone to moments of anger. Why the hell don’t you love me! How could you be with me all that time and not love me? I am enraged by own unlovableness and my x’s unloving of me. This sentiment is followed often by tears, stomping and pounding into the pillow until exhaustion takes over, or I remember it is time to go to work. (Luckily, I am always able to rely on denial to lift my mood and allow me to get through the day.)

And once again, moving on…

Bargaining: This is the most annoying of all because I constantly beat myself up over causing the break up with my stupid need for love. Why couldn’t I just settle for less than perfect? He said, “I care about you” – why wasn’t that enough? Why didn’t I just wait to see if deeper feelings evolved over time? Perhaps seven months isn’t sufficient for some people. Maybe if I call him now and explain that I have made a terrible mistake, that I am happy to take whatever he is willing to give… maybe we can get back together and put this fiasco behind us. *Sadly, I cannot allow myself to do this. I want to love and be loved. It is simple, and I remind myself to be true.

Depression: Based on past experiences, I would say that I am prone to depression. Strangely, I have yet to experience any signs of depression over this break up. I mean, why am I not on the couch day after day with empty icecream cartons all around? I fear that may come later. In a queer way, all my sadness has created an abundance of energy, which has been channeled into manic activity. I suddenly rollerblade again. Not since I was 13 have I felt the urge to rollerblade. I suppose this is depression disguised as anxious distraction. Different sides of the same coin perhaps.

Oh, God… have we come to this point already?

Acceptance: Okay… I haven’t quite gotten here yet. I have not accepted this break up. If I had, would I be writing this now? Part of me says, “It’s all for the best” while all the other parts of my psyche are still caught up in the first four stages of grief. I believe that acceptance will come later, after everything else has been processed and I no longer yearn. Of course, even thinking that this is a possibility, I fantasize that as soon as I accept this break up that I may immediately call my x and see if we can “just be friends”. Right… Now I start to cycle all over again, starting with denial.

Another day, another reflection on the art and experience of loss. Later, I will write about the blessings and gifts of this life, staying true to my idealistic nature".

June 30, 2011

It's not always anger that we experience, but any of a range of what I think of as the "blood-boiling" emotions. This could involve frustration, resentment, indignation, intense confusion, and so on. You don't always hate the other person or have enmity for them, but it's totally expected to feel some blood-boiling emotion about the situation you're in.

After my most recent break-up, for example, I experienced more frustration than anger. It was less of "I hate you, how could you play me like that?" and more like "I know it's not your fault, feelings change, but gah! We had such a nice, cosy little life together! Why does it have to be whipped away from me so soon?"

June 30, 2011

Denial: Ever since we split I have been spending most of my time in a state of denial. I find it is easier to remove myself from the sadness of reality by fantasizing about getting back together. My favorite version of this fantasy is one where my x and I meet unexpectedly in summer. I have a nice tan and a new haircut. I am happy and smiling; life is fine because I have moved on. He sees me and suddenly realizes that he loved me all along and life is empty without me. It all moves along nicely from there. Version two of the get-back-together fantasy: It is next week and a cold, rainy night. He shows up at my door. He brings flowers. He begs me to take him back, and I, compassionately, tell him all is forgiven.

These make me smile. Well-meaning people often try and stamp it out of you straight away, but I have a huuuge soft spot for denial. We almost never let our imaginations flourish in such an unguarded, free-flowing, creative and textured way than when we're occupied with false hope about someone we've lost. I develop these rich fantasies too -- meeting and kissing furiously in the rain, frantically searching each other's eyes for a mutual promise to never let go again. Another fantasy is a slow-burning one: meeting as friends to go on a date to the movies we always went to as a couple, and slowly letting the magic of memories take over until we're smiling and laughing warmly about the old times followed by a gentle, hesitant kiss right at the end that brings back the tingling hope and anticipation of new love. Then I go inside, hope that he texts, and my heart melts when he does almost straight away.

Never happens. But I definitely think, let your daydreams go crazy and make the most of denial. It's there as a kind of old friend to help you through the tough, devastating phases of anger and depression

June 30, 2011

Great thread California15, excellent question. You have been offered some great advice I don't think I can improve on the things said ,especially by D-lish and stray.

Im 8 mths out and I too have had very little anger.

From what I have learnt you don't have to experience all the 5 stages of grief equally or even at all.

If I feel anger now its usually because of something my xH has done NOW (we have 2 children and he lets them down regularly)

Listen to yourself and what is right for you.If you are healing and feeling better then you must be on the right track

June 30, 2011

Don't let the anger stage loom over your head, you may very well never hit it...who knows? Is it necessary? I don't think so, but these are the common stages that most people hit. One of the best things you can do is know in your head that its supposed to hurt and that its common. Ive read a lot on the mindfullness where you just watch your thoughts go by, ive had times where i will stop and think wow im supposed to feel like this, and it makes me feel a lot better.

I also believe that what you are doing by listing why you think you feel a certain way is good too. Most of the time our hurt is coming from more then just the break up itself. For me, i know a lot of mine comes from the fact of having the guts to say they love me etc, then leave, its a personal issue i have because i think my partners should have been more mature. I find myself missing more of the feeling i got with my ex, then my actual ex. Read and write, take a good look in you on why things happened and maybe you will never hit the dreaded anger stage..

June 30, 2011

It's taken me 6 months to get there but I AM ANNNNGGGGRRRRYYYYY:mad:

I am using it as fuel for no contact. She doesn't deserve to hear a squeak out of me ever again.

That's how I feel right now - and I want to kick the **** out of the bloke she shacked up with, the bloke she said she had no feelings for, the bloke she said wasn't her type, the bloke she's been working with for the last few years, the bloke who knew we were engaged... You get the general picture...

June 30, 2011

You guys have given phenomenal responses on this.

stray: I think you hit the nail on the head about how part of my sadness lies in the fact that I'm about how he treated me, how I left myself down in a sense by allowing that to happen. Kind of like I loved him soo much and just wanted to be with him SO BAD that I'd do anything to make sure he stayed with me (thus = no fighting) but in hindsight, that's such a turn off! No one has respect for someone who doesn't have respect for themselves.

mac: thanks for the stages. Its not that I'm ignoring the anger, I just haven't felt it yet... or maybe I haven't recognized it?

lovingkind: yes I agree with the "we had our go but why does it have to end?" frustration feelings rather than the "i hate you" feelings

broken: I can see how you could use it for NC fuel - i think its good your using anger to your advantage and not being consumed or held back because of it... and as long as you're maintaining NC for healing

I didn't individually acknowledge everyone but I have read the replies few times and listened to them all - everyone contributed awesome responses that have really really helped me on this

Edited June 30, 2011 by california15

June 30, 2011

For me, I was over the actual person way before I was over being rejected if that makes sense.

YES! That is I think where I am at. Esp now that he has a new girl. I dont even have low self esteem, but I keep asking the "why's'..why did he leave me, why is she better, what did I do..etc. The rejection is the hardest part, as I can accept the breakup happened..but I think even moreseo now bc he has moved to someone new, plus I have to see him and her together (mutual friends thing between ex and I, etc) the rejection is what I think about the most. I still feel a lot depending on the day hah..sadness, hurt, anger, disappointment. None debilitating, but nonetheless still there.

If one gets angry it is up to them- we are all human and react differently

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