Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 the worst part is you have no grasp whatsoever of what motivates the men you're seeing or not seeing. you are so wrapped up in your own issues that it never crossed your mind that the first, and sometimes only, thing that men are looking for in relationships is that level of trust. they have to trust women from day one, they ask them out, they pay for the dates, they initiate all contact. of course he told you all those emotional things, why not? he had to trust you with everything else, he's got 3/4 of his chips in the game already. and you have given him ZERO trust in return. he will leave you unless you change. there's no need to consider his long term possibilities, you have no long term possibility unless you address your own problems. I think it's safe to say that we BOTH have issues. The only problem with TBF's advice is that she is emotionally healthy and I am not. I will admit to that. Can I really expect to find a worthy partner with my current level of dysfuction? I am 32, I am running out of time. By the time I get out of therapy - I will probably have fewer and fewer options left - emotionally healthy or not. I need to consider everything.
RovingReporter Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Yes - he is a spineless pleaser. That's spot on too. I have had really bad experiences with spineless pleasers. Shadowplay was with a spineless pleaser and it turned out disastrously. I am thinking...thinking.... ES, you're disgusting. You break this guy emotionally and force him to hand his balls to you on a silver platter and now YOU want to dump HIM? Please ban OP.
Imajerk17 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) The flaw in TBF's advice is that in love, you have to be a worthy partner yourself before you can expect to be with someone worthy himself. You can't do things like --snoop on your boyfriend; --create drama/relationship crises over "little" things; --hold it against your boyfriend for "acting" when it comes to his feelings for you when by your own admission, you have done the very same thing; --offer NSA sex to some other guy a day before becoming exclusive (even if he turned you down ). Otherwise you will have to settle for a boyfriend who: --is spineless--a stronger man would just leave; --seemingly "acts" when it comes his feelings--because he has mixed feelings about you that he can't put a finger on, that are due to the exhaustion he feels due to drama you bring (and he's a spineless pleaser); --lies even if by omission about his whereabouts and even if "nothing" really happened--because he knows how upset it will make you (and he's a spineless pleaser who likes to avoid conflict)... ...and so on. The infuriating thing about you, Eternal Sunshine, is that you do not seem to grasp this, despite you being told a thousand times a thousand ways. You hold your boyfriend to standards that you don't come close to meeting yourself (such as it is OK for you to have doubts but not him. In fact, you seem to gloss right past this. (It's a big reason why so many people take all these digs at you.) Edited June 30, 2011 by Imajerk17
vsmini Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I am 32, I am running out of time. By the time I get out of therapy - I will probably have fewer and fewer options left - emotionally healthy or not. . So you'd rather instead spend the time you could be getting better on being mentally unwell and finding guys that are subpar? All so you can pop out a few kids while the eggs are still dropping? If you go this route you're still going to land back at ground zero - only then it will really be too late - with 2 kids, a crap marriage or divorce and the SAME issues. Face demons now or later. If you do it now....you won't be messing up your future kid's lives.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 The infuriating thing about you, Eternal Sunshine, is that you do not seem to grasp this, despite you being told a thousand times a thousand ways. You hold your boyfriend to standards that you don't come close to meeting yourself (such as it is OK for you to have doubts but not him. In fact, you seem to gloss right past this. (It's a big reason why so many people take all these digs at you.) I just admitted to it in my previous post.
Imajerk17 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 So you'd rather instead spend the time you could be getting better on being mentally unwell and finding guys that are subpar? All so you can pop out a few kids while the eggs are still dropping? If you go this route you're still going to land back at ground zero - only then it will really be too late - with 2 kids, a crap marriage or divorce and the SAME issues. Face demons now or later. If you do it now....you won't be messing up your future kid's lives. And a husband who will cheat on you with Volleyball Girl, either this one or the next one. (Another Volleyball Girl always comes along eventually...)
vsmini Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 The infuriating thing about you, Eternal Sunshine, is that you do not seem to grasp this, despite you being told a thousand times a thousand ways. You hold your boyfriend to standards that you don't come close to meeting yourself (such as it is OK for you to have doubts but not him. In fact, you seem to gloss right past this. (It's a big reason why so many people take all these digs at you.) The thing is. ES thinks that by saying, "I know I have issues" is coming clean. The first step to solving your issues is recognizing you have them. The shame is - she refuses to get beyond this first step. She's satisfied with her claim.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 So you'd rather instead spend the time you could be getting better on being mentally unwell and finding guys that are subpar? All so you can pop out a few kids while the eggs are still dropping? If you go this route you're still going to land back at ground zero - only then it will really be too late - with 2 kids, a crap marriage or divorce and the SAME issues. Face demons now or later. If you do it now....you won't be messing up your future kid's lives. But I really want kids. I want them even if the future father won't be in the picture. I am just running out of time
Imajerk17 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I just admitted to it in my previous post. Well, maybe you admitted to it right now.
snug.bunny Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Face demons now or later. If you do it now....you won't be messing up your future kid's lives. Sadly, this is something that is all to common.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I think it's safe to say that we BOTH have issues. The only problem with TBF's advice is that she is emotionally healthy and I am not. I will admit to that. Can I really expect to find a worthy partner with my current level of dysfuction? I am 32, I am running out of time. By the time I get out of therapy - I will probably have fewer and fewer options left - emotionally healthy or not. I need to consider everything. I have some issues from bad parenting and a tough childhood that I struggle with. I have been doing monthly therapy sessions for the past few years, and I have made tremendous progress in my very strained relationship with my dad, my confidence, my emotional health, and my relationships. There is NO WAY I would have made this progress alone, or with the advice of friends, self-help books, whatever. For $65 a month and a good amount of work on myself, I have made huge strides forward in every area of my life. I think you seriously need to quit making excuses about therapy and just do it. You can find a way to cut back so you can afford it. I really don't think you're going to get anywhere without the guidance of a smart, skilled therapist. And there is no way you're going to sustain a loving, healthy relationship while you are battling these demons by yourself.
vsmini Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 But I really want kids. I want them even if the future father won't be in the picture. I am just running out of time Shame on you. 32 years old and no better than those 15 year old girls that go on the Maury Povich show claiming they want a baby because they want something out there to love them.
Imajerk17 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) The thing is. ES thinks that by saying, "I know I have issues" is coming clean. The first step to solving your issues is recognizing you have them. The shame is - she refuses to get beyond this first step. She's satisfied with her claim. You're right. She says "I have issues" and then within 24 hours she writes a thread asking if her boyfriend's issues (which are serious but only half as bad as hers) warrant her either (a) breaking up with him, or (b) a huge amount of reassurance (that she won't believe anyway) that he "loves" her. The cycle keeps repeating itself. She'd be better off (a) breaking it off because NEITHER are healthy least of all her, (b) accepting her role in how he acts without running to him ("well he had doubts at 2 months. So did I, no big deal...") Edited June 30, 2011 by Imajerk17
Woggle Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Not condoning what she is doing but this guy seems screwed up as well. The whole situation is just a mess.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 Imajerk - do you admit that my boyfriends behavior is pretty messed up? At first I thought I am cool with his answer. But now the more I think about it, the more it bothers me. How am I supposed to trust him when he goes to Europe? It's the classic case of a former geek coming into his own and suddenly having his pick of women.
Imajerk17 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) Imajerk - do you admit that my boyfriends behavior is pretty messed up? At first I thought I am cool with his answer. But now the more I think about it, the more it bothers me. How am I supposed to trust him when he goes to Europe? It's the classic case of a former geek coming into his own and suddenly having his pick of women. Yes it is, but your behavior is twice as bad. --I think his handing his balls on a platter to you is messed up. But you were the one who harangued him until he did just that. Messed up on your part. (A stronger man would have just broken up with you.) So you can't complain. --I think his not telling you that he was with his ex was somewhat uncool--but NOT messed up. It's a far lesser offense than (and understandable considering) your extreme trust issues and actions, INCLUDING SEVERELY invading his privacy), which IS messed up on your part. So you can't complain. (A stronger man would have just broken up with you.) --I think his "having doubts" at the 2 month mark is entirely justifiable. You had doubts too. He might have "acted" but then so did you. So again, you can't complain. And yes, there's the train wreck you dated before him for 5 weeks (who broke up with you), and then the guy you offered NSA sex to the day before becoming exclusive, which shows that you basically throw yourself at any guy who will (or won't!) accept you. MESSED UP. I think you should break up with him, at least over the trip to Europe. The stress is obviously too much for you, so put yourself out of this misery. It's clear that you can't handle him leaving, YOUR problem, not his. You both need to be by yourselves (alone, not together) to heal. Edited June 30, 2011 by Imajerk17
Imajerk17 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 At first I thought I am cool with his answer. But now the more I think about it, the more it bothers me. How am I supposed to trust him when he goes to Europe? It's the classic case of a former geek coming into his own and suddenly having his pick of women. Seriously, just break up with him. You're only becoming more and more miserable (YOUR fault, not his) and clearly it's only going to get worse. There's nothing he can say or do that will make you feel better. I have no idea how you will function when he actually goes to Europe.
Cracker Jack Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 This relationship shouldn't even exist at this point. It's doing nothing but creating havoc. Completely agree with Imajerk. On everything.
Sanman Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 But I really want kids. I want them even if the future father won't be in the picture. I am just running out of time You supposedly can't even afford therapy for yourself. How are you supposed to afford taking care of a child? Oh right, you don't care about their well being. You want them like a child wants a toy. As for this relationship...end it. I'm getting sick of it and I just read the threads. I can't imagine how exhausting it must be for the two of you.
Star Gazer Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Yes - you are spot on. This worries me - in particular I am not sure if I will be able to trust him in the future. What about the fact that YOU are not trustworthy? Do you believe you're trustworthy just because he doesn't know the truth about everything you've done??! For the life of me, I will never understand why you apply standards to others that you absolutely REFUSE to meet yourself! It's just... Mind-boggling!!!
vsmini Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Yes it is, but your behavior is twice as bad. --I think his handing his balls on a platter to you is messed up. But you were the one who harangued him until he did just that. Messed up on your part. (A stronger man would have just broken up with you.) So you can't complain. --I think his not telling you that he was with his ex was somewhat uncool--but NOT messed up. It's a far lesser offense than (and understandable considering) your extreme trust issues and actions, INCLUDING SEVERELY invading his privacy), which IS messed up on your part. So you can't complain. (A stronger man would have just broken up with you.) --I think his "having doubts" at the 2 month mark is entirely justifiable. You had doubts too. He might have "acted" but then so did you. So again, you can't complain. And yes, there's the train wreck you dated before him for 5 weeks (who broke up with you), and then the guy you offered NSA sex to the day before becoming exclusive, which shows that you basically throw yourself at any guy who will (or won't!) accept you. MESSED UP. I think you should break up with him, at least over the trip to Europe. The stress is obviously too much for you, so put yourself out of this misery. It's clear that you can't handle him leaving, YOUR problem, not his. You both need to be by yourselves (alone, not together) to heal. Oh - can we please not forget...while he's off texting about his doubts (bad man! BAD!) - ES has been here on LS giving us threads upon threads about her doubts.
Star Gazer Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 He's dissembled throughout your relationship even to the degree of lying. Expedient ethics. I'm curious what you think about ES offering NSA sex to someone else the night before she became exclusive with her BF, as well as her consistent snooping. Does she have expedient ethics as well? If not, why not?
Star Gazer Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Yes - he is a spineless pleaser. That's spot on too. I have had really bad experiences with spineless pleasers. Shadowplay was with a spineless pleaser and it turned out disastrously. SP's boyfriend wasn't the one in that relationship that was/is a spineless pleaser... But if you feel like your BF is a spineless pleaser, why are you with him?? Shame on you. 32 years old and no better than those 15 year old girls that go on the Maury Povich show claiming they want a baby because they want something out there to love them. My thoughts EXACTLY. What a horrifically selfish reason to have children... sounds just like my mother.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 He just texted me: get ready for the night you will never forget. Pack your bikini, an overnight bag and prepare to go missing for 24 hours. I will pick you up tomorrow at 7pm
vsmini Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 He just texted me: get ready for the night you will never forget. Pack your bikini, an overnight bag and prepare to go missing for 24 hours. I will pick you up tomorrow at 7pm Well....24 hours of peace here on LS. Who wants to party? I'll bring the booze.
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