His answer

[Eternal Sunshine]

So I talked to him today over the phone for an hour.

 

He is ditching this friend from his life (the decision I fully support and I am ditching him from my life as well).

 

Basically he had doubts because there were two other girls (at that time) in the picture and he didn't know if he made he right choice by choosing me. He was single for 5 years and then he met 3 girls (including myself) who were all cute and possible potentials. He does admit that he initially picked me because he found me the most physically attractive. He never went on a single date with either of them but they stayed in touch regularly during the first 2 months of our dating and thus he wasn't 100% in. They both had cool personalities and he often wondered "what if" and considered taking them out at least once but felt like it would be cheating at that point.....

 

Another thing was that he hasn't shared a bed with anyone in 5 years and when I started sleeping over - it felt weird to him (and he couldn't get any sleep). He said it just took him a bit of time to adjust to that.

 

The third source of confusion was that he was thinking of asking me to come to Europe with him but was worried that it will be too soon or that I will get scared off....

 

So he said he had all those confusing thoughts running through his head at the time and he got paralysis-ed and withdrew into himself.

 

He said it was not actually anything to do with me or my personality and that he doesn't mind if I am quiet and subdued at times.

 

He did say that when I tried to break up with him it was a complete shock to his system. At first he thought that he is free to explore those other options but then the utter misery and devastation set in and he didn't want anyone else. It actually helped him reset his mind and realize that he has in fact fallen in love with me.

 

He has stopped contact with both other girls after that and now loves me deeply. He claims that none of those issues at the time are present currently in any capacity.

 

He actually said that being able to confess all has made him feel even closer to me. He was also secretly impressed by how perceptive I am in sensing that something wasn't quite right at the time.

 

I thanked him for his honesty and asked him for a few hours to write something longer back to him as I had few things I want to say but need to compose my thoughts. I did assure him that I love him and am not going to break up with him over this.

 

Now, my only worry here is the fact that he is not really experienced in relationships and as above shows, he is quite suspectable to "the grass is greener" syndrome. This may become a problem later on in life....

 

What do you guys say to all this?

 

He is now waiting for my e-mail.

[Titania22]

It all sounds good, ES. I think you guys are bouncing back from the upset of last week.

[Imajerk17]

I think you should come clean to him about how you offered NSA sex to another guy right before you became exclusive. I'm perfectly serious. He deserves to know "the real you".

[vsmini]

He's going to go after that volleyball girl. Grass is definitely greener on that one.

 

 

He was also secretly impressed by how perceptive I am in sensing that something wasn't quite right at the time.

You guys are so disgusting. And stupid. His friend showed you the texts. You didn't travel far from your normal behavior of always suspecting him. Who do you think you're kidding?

 

I thanked him for his honesty and asked him for a few hours to write something longer back to him

Yes - thank you for your honesty. Let me go back and process it all, warp it in my mind and destroy the rest of your night with anymore drama I can conjure up in my head.

 

Right on track!

[snug.bunny]

Honestly?

 

I think this is the RESULT, of (***insert word***) shifting, and having someone else do the "work", instead of having to do the internal work yourself....

 

Glad it was resolved nonetheless, now you can move forward.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think I did the right thing by asking him straight up.

 

He is not going to go for that volleyball girl, he never even went on a single date with other two girls even before we were exclusive (and I would have had no way of knowing).

 

What do you guys think on "the grass is greener" thing in general here?

 

I am potentially choosing my life partner here.

[threebyfate]

Haven't read the most recent thread(s) but flags are popping up all over the place. I'd ditch this guy but I know you love him. Just take care and keep your eyes and ears open.

[Imajerk17]

I think I did the right thing by asking him straight up.

 

He is not going to go for that volleyball girl, he never even went on a single date with other two girls even before we were exclusive (and I would have had no way of knowing).

 

What do you guys think on "the grass is greener" thing in general here?

 

I am potentially choosing my life partner here.

 

If he chooses with *his* eyes open, he will RUN from you. That is unless you are honest with him about your shortcomings and mistakes. That includes NSA sex guy.

 

You know, you're both so messed up that you might be right for each other.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Haven't read the most recent thread(s) but flags are popping up all over the place. I'd ditch this guy but I know you love him. Just take care and keep your eyes and ears open.

 

TBF - what kind of flags? Can you elaborate?

[threebyfate]

TBF - what kind of flags? Can you elaborate?

He's dissembled throughout your relationship even to the degree of lying. Expedient ethics.

[vsmini]

I think I did the right thing by asking him straight up.

 

He is not going to go for that volleyball girl, he never even went on a single date with other two girls even before we were exclusive (and I would have had no way of knowing).

 

What do you guys think on "the grass is greener" thing in general here?

 

I am potentially choosing my life partner here.

 

 

I've spoken to men about it. Many men and women have the mentality of "I only have one life to live" and eventually they get around to thinking they should have the best life possible (ok understandable) but many make this choice after they get married and they find out it's the wrong person - so if things are going downhill with their mate then they go find something else. Why do you think so many people get divorced or break up? It's because they want something better.

 

With all the stress you give each other.....the grass is going to start looking greener sooner than you think.

[Imajerk17]

I think I did the right thing by asking him straight up.

 

He is not going to go for that volleyball girl, he never even went on a single date with other two girls even before we were exclusive (and I would have had no way of knowing).

 

What do you guys think on "the grass is greener" thing in general here?

 

I am potentially choosing my life partner here.

 

Grass is greener: When he finds a girl (such as volleyball girl) who is as cute and who won't give him the drama you're giving him, he will go for her.

[Eternal Sunshine]

He's dissembled throughout your relationship even to the degree of lying. Expedient ethics.

 

Yes - you are spot on. This worries me - in particular I am not sure if I will be able to trust him in the future.

[vsmini]

Here's the thing with men. They meet new women every day. Sometimes really wonderful ones with amazing hearts, good attitudes and an inspiring outlook on life. These women are everywhere. My boyfriend has met them, so has yours and everyone here on LS.

 

What keeps these men from straying? Having a healthy, loving and mutual respectful relationship back at home where they feel satisfied and fulfilled and AT EASE.

Can you honestly say your guy is going to feel all those things....ever? Of course not - when he runs into one of these women....he will be that much more tempted.

[snug.bunny]

Yes - you are spot on. This worries me - in particular I am not sure if I will be able to trust him in the future.

 

Would you mind listing again for us, the reasons for your mistrust towards your boyfriend?

 

His actions, specifically.

[threebyfate]

Yes - you are spot on. This worries me - in particular I am not sure if I will be able to trust him in the future.

You have three choices:

1. Ditch him.
   
2. Trust that he's telling the truth and stay.
   
3. Watch him like a hawk and stay.
   

Pick one. I'd pick #1 if I were in your shoes but I'm not and it's your life and choice. The most difficult choice to live with, IMO, is #3. Being a jailer just sucks the everlovin' life out of you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Here's the thing with men. They meet new women every day. Sometimes really wonderful ones with amazing hearts, good attitudes and an inspiring outlook on life. These women are everywhere. My boyfriend has met them, so has yours and everyone here on LS.

 

What keeps these men from straying? Having a healthy, loving and mutual respectful relationship back at home where they feel satisfied and fulfilled and AT EASE.

Can you honestly say your guy is going to feel all those things....ever? Of course not - when he runs into one of these women....he will be that much more tempted.

 

Actually, I can. My mistrust here stemmed from the feeling that something was off early on. I am generally not very trusting, but whenever my gut was telling me that something wasn't right - it proved to be right - every single time. Let's be realistic here: most men and women have questionable morals and it's not really a stretch that most do prove to be untrustworthy.

 

I am not sure that it's fair to expect your boyfriend to be 100% honest at the very start and tell you "hey, there are those two other girls that are quite nice and sometimes I wonder what if..."

 

I dunno, I am not trying to make excuses for him. I am just trying to decide if he would make a good partner in the long run despite this.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You have three choices:

1. Ditch him.
   
2. Trust that he's telling the truth and stay.
   
3. Watch him like a hawk and stay.
   

Pick one. I'd pick #1 if I were in your shoes but I'm not and it's your life and choice. The most difficult choice to live with, IMO, is #3. Being a jailer just sucks the everlovin' life out of you.

 

I will probably pick 3 but am truly starting to wonder if it's all worth it.

 

I do believe that his explanation as it stands currently is the truth. If I dump him over this, he will most likely learn from it and make a better partner to the next girl that comes along.

 

The thing is TBF, I have dated around 40 men in the last year or so. Even with all this, he is the most decent one out of them all. Trying to find a more decent one is going to be next to impossible.

[thatone]

Actually, I can. My mistrust here stemmed from the feeling that something was off early on. I am generally not very trusting, but whenever my gut was telling me that something wasn't right - it proved to be right - every single time. Let's be realistic here: most men and women have questionable morals and it's not really a stretch that most do prove to be untrustworthy.

 

 

your mistrust stems from your very existence.

 

look at your friends on facebook, the men who are married to seemingly unattractive women that you went to high school with. why don't they stray? because they KNOW that they have the complete trust of their wife. vsmini hit it right on the head. men go to work these days in many cases not knowing whether their key will still open the door, or whether a security guard will show up to escort them out of their office when they get back from lunch. they have work politics and backstabbing going on all the time and the only thing that they can reliably fall back on is the fact that their wife and kids will always love and trust them.

 

you can't trust anyone. he will leave you unless you change.

[Imajerk17]

The flaw in TBF's advice is that in love, you have to be a worthy partner yourself before you can expect to be with someone worthy himself. You can't do things like

 

--snoop on your boyfriend;

 

--create drama/relationship crises over "little" things;

 

--hold it against your boyfriend for "acting" when it comes to his feelings for you when by your own admission, you have done the very same thing;

 

--offer NSA sex to some other guy a day before becoming exclusive (even if he turned you down ).

 

Otherwise you will have to settle for a boyfriend who:

 

--is spineless--a stronger man would just leave;

 

--seemingly "acts" when it comes his feelings--because he has mixed feelings about you that he can't put a finger on, that are due to the exhaustion he feels due to drama you bring (and he's a spineless pleaser);

 

--lies even if by omission about his whereabouts and even if "nothing" really happened--because he knows how upset it will make you (and he's a spineless pleaser who likes to avoid conflict)...

 

 

...and so on.

[snug.bunny]

Would you mind listing again for us, the reasons for your mistrust towards your boyfriend?

 

His actions, specifically.

 

Perhaps, when you have some free time....

[Eternal Sunshine]

your mistrust stems from your very existence.

 

look at your friends on facebook, the men who are married to seemingly unattractive women that you went to high school with. why don't they stray? because they KNOW that they have the complete trust of their wife. vsmini hit it right on the head. men go to work these days in many cases not knowing whether their key will still open the door, or whether a security guard will show up to escort them out of their office when they get back from lunch. they have work politics and backstabbing going on all the time and the only thing that they can reliably fall back on is the fact that their wife and kids will always love and trust them.

 

you can't trust anyone. he will leave you unless you change.

 

But do you think that my first post, his answer on why he was distant at the start is legit and forgivable?

 

I am now 50/50 on what to do.

 

Thanks TBF - your perspective helped.

[thatone]

the worst part is you have no grasp whatsoever of what motivates the men you're seeing or not seeing. you are so wrapped up in your own issues that it never crossed your mind that the first, and sometimes only, thing that men are looking for in relationships is that level of trust. they have to trust women from day one, they ask them out, they pay for the dates, they initiate all contact. of course he told you all those emotional things, why not? he had to trust you with everything else, he's got 3/4 of his chips in the game already. and you have given him ZERO trust in return.

 

he will leave you unless you change. there's no need to consider his long term possibilities, you have no long term possibility unless you address your own problems.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yes - he is a spineless pleaser. That's spot on too.

 

I have had really bad experiences with spineless pleasers.

 

Shadowplay was with a spineless pleaser and it turned out disastrously.

 

I am thinking...thinking....

[nyc_guy2003]

For once I agree with you, this guy will definitely stray when the combination of a) your neediness pushes him to the brink and b) a less needy chick comes along. It's not a matter of if, it's when. Don't mean to be harsh but I have had first hand experience with this.