Peagle87 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Hello all, I stumbled upon this forum a few days ago and got myself versed into a few peoples stories especially about the NC. This post is going to be long and honestly I am seeking 3 things 1) some help into my psychological issues (simply perhaps some sort of online resources to help me) 2) I really ****ed up the NC bad partially because of my issues and wondering how can I even have the slightest of hopes anymore (tho I am a little bit encouraged by the similarity it seems in terms of what people seem to go through) 3) I guess what do now? About Myself(traits that I feel important for my story): Im a tall handsome man and very intelligent. I am very terrible at being able to let the past go on certain things. Ive had a bit of a sheltered life at times and seem to be stuck in a weird place where Im trying to party and live my life where I should be at a stage where I shouldve graduated and gotten my **** together (im 23 and ive dropped out of school twice-not due to partying). Ive had many flings but essentially two girlfriends. My most recent one I feel is more like my first gf however because it was more normal. My last ex was problematic alcoholic, multiple cheater and had a lot of deep psychological issues. A really crucial piece of information Ive found about myself is that Im sort of like the girl in those "good girls chasing *******" type of relationships. Im addicted to girls with issues, or that treat me poorly but nevertheless still bond with closely because of my goood nature. Ive tried the whole wholesome girl thing and I get bored very rapidly with them. My very first relationship as a result I got cheated on 5 times and got sucked in so deep that I lost over 50 lbs, broke my hand, and got into heavy boozing. Was going to have a baby with her and she lost it due to drinking. This most recent relationship was a lot better but nevertheless the issues of her really helped to keep me around. Im going to have to add in that after doing research I feel like I have relational dependcy issues (I can get very very dependent on relationships) to the point where I forget the rest of my life. Ive also been presented with some evidence that I have some slight sociopathic tendencies. (Ive logged into her facebook and phone a few times to get some info I needed and confronted her about during the end of our relationship- which I fear may have been the end of us no matter how good I was to her) The girl "J" J is in a word a girl one in a million. A very free spirit. But due to her issues I feel a diminished emotional capacity at times to feel for people which shes stated herself at times. Nevertheless she was able to be really sweet at times surprisingly but was able to shut it off very easily at times which simply made me starved for the sweetness. We argued a lot over the fact that shes not emotional enough. I felt she had it in her but put up walls for some weird reasons at times. She was promisicous from a very young age, has a shattered family life, and was into the whole partying stage for about 2 years doing heavy drugs. To tell you the truth, I felt like I lived through her because of that, as I met her when she was almost out of it but still didnt want to get out of it, even though I pushed her to get out I wanted to experience it a little bit for myself. Shes 22 and has only been to high school shes finally in college thanks to me. She has had cerebal palsy though Ive never even known until she told me (3 months in). She has a lot of love letters from past bfs (mind you she was younger) and it seems she follows the same pattern find a bf and destroy. A lot of the letters she had reflected how I felt. The key difference is I was pretty close the longest lasting relationship shes had and never has she has such high ratings for a bf from her whole entourage of people. Despite her emotional reoccuring issues, she has changed for the better as a person, partially thanks to me such as removing a lot of her friends (as shes said-you kept me distracted-aka I was used..in a way) and now im just useless. Terrific. I really dont like the fact that she said she needs change and basically the most positive thing in her life she removed. Wow this is a long introduction alone. Im going to take a breather for all interested fellow posters to just kind of digest this precursory information before I launch into the story of the relationship. She gets bored easily
Author Peagle87 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 I met her almost a year ago. I was safely over my first ex gf and I rebuilt my life from the heavy damage that was inflicted on it. I had my confidence, I got my friends back, my job, my work, my financial issues and was back in school. Life was good. I had been visiting around on POF and we hit it off right away. She gave me her number right away and was very eager to meet me. My confidence was through the roof she looked so put together, bubbly, and was into me. Technically she asked me out on our first date...she rejected me asking her out...a couple of days later I said something and she was all like" maybe we could start with us going for that coffee" To this day I kind of wish I remembered what it was that I said... Life continued to be good...id text her here and there and found myself getting a little bit attached. Our first date was incredible, we went to Niagara Falls were out for over 12 hours kissed on the ferris wheel (goddamn im crying as I write this...thank God i removed our picture from that day) I would write her poems every couple of days. The only weird thing I noticed at the end of the date was that for a few minutes we were looking for my car she actually was getting pissed off! She also would remove at times sweeter msgs on her fb and our pics of us kissing (eventually later on in the relationship that did change) I took her to a soccer game where I played and my friends thought she was amazing for me and loved her. Cool! I thought. I have a hot gf, she met all my buddies with no girls present, was cuddling so close to me and was just amazing. She was even calling her buddy as she told me later that she cant believe she met someone like me (what a difference from what she feels now months later) Fast forward a couple of weeks later and I get a text message from her that she really likes me but cant see me anymore. Shes all upset and natrually I am too. I finally get it out of her that she found out she had an STD and it wasnt fair for us to be together. Im like whoa we hadnt even had sex yet and I like you for you. I respected it and left her alone but was bothered by it. Nevertheless it drove me crazy and I wanted to be with her. I drove down to her house completely hammered. To this day I cant fully remember what it was that I said but I told her this wasnt something we cant not work through its not a serious STD, and we can make it work. The rest of my words are just a blur but she just left the car with a huge smile on her face saying you really gave me something to think about. (This is roughly the 2 month mark of our relationship...i shouldnt have had to deal with something like this....remember this....its important as I get ****ed over later in the story when i get sick from something non sexual ) Next segment in a few minutes
Author Peagle87 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 I just lost the last post I wrote. No way in hell am i retyping all of that lol. So im just going to summarize. We broke up many times but it never really lasted. Sometimes id come back sometimes she...after days. I will admit sometimes I used some manipulation skills and going over the top with stuff because she cared about me and brought her back. I got very sick a few weeks ago with a severe disease that paralyzed my face in two. She had broken up with me the day before and then got back with me. Her friend who wanted her but was a close friend told me that she was almost in tears over me. She denies this now of course. And I kind of forced her to stay with me over this because of her whole STD thing. Initially I was willing to let her go but she told me shes going to be there 100% There was a man in her life that she dated for 4 months. They renegaged each others life passions. She almost had a kid with him (aborted it though) and he was often described by friends as a psycho and a weirdo) nevertheless he was an UFC figther and the relationship was NEVER really given a chance because she was never over him. I found out through fb a few times that they finally reconncected (after we had broken up- no cheating in this relationship) and confronted her simply that she had lied to me and it pissed me off the whole going into her fb and phone are big nos nos. I know. All that happened was they kissed and she no longer wondered with him if she had been a good gf and not been partying would they have worked out. I picked up all my stuff today. Weve still kind of talked a lot. Not once has it been like before though. Even though she "agreed with me" on a lot of things like me treating her well shes very fixated on the whole fb and phone thing. Ironically enough even though we had our deep convos the only thing she really talked about to her friend on fb (no more going into it i promise) is that im creepy and a weirdo...no feelings of admiration or appreciation of what Id done...just suggestions that maybe they shoulda made their initial convo about her ex bf pornographic. it pains me so much that she sees me through these eyes. I even tried to patch stuff up with her friends sort of (another mistake I know). Stuff got weird simply because they liked me as a person but is whipped by her and other is weirded out by my creeper moves Im just seeking reconcilliation. I feel like NC has no chance in hell right now..shes getting colder as the days go on but the thing is weve talked before when broken up and even though she has been this mean and cold eventually shes changed her demeanour. I want to give her the space and I feel like I have a good heart...I also feel though that I fixed her I made her whole but a few stupid moves and in the end rightly justified insecurities killed this. Maybe I feel this way because shes been ****ing since shes been 12 and me since im 20 and maybe im a giant pussy but we were BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE ONCE. I feel like ive lost her forever. I feel like I make sense to myself and make stratgeies on NC and this and that but I just have zero faith. She doesnt even really want to be friends and makes me sound like im a burden. I dont know anymore. Maybe its crazy that id want someone back whos treated me this way but im a giving person and we did have some very good potential. Her stupid way of being bored easily and placing no value on us and simple female psycyhlogy finally kicked in I guess. I got my stuff today we had an ok convo, called her and asked her after if she lied about being scared to lose me when I was sick..she said yes and that she doesnt want to even talk. I pulled another stupid move that I ordered her a tshirt that would remind her of the past though if she asks I will just say it was meant as an 11 month anniversary gift...just did it a few mins ago. My strategy is to go NC, hope the tshirt does something for the feelings or at the very least to not be remembered as the "sheltered, charity case creeper" there really is so much more to me. I would like to make one final link here...with my first ex gf I also got into their fb and tried to sabotage a relationship she got into just a week later. I know I need some help in that regard and I make some fatal moves in the end of relationships but Im praying that one wrong cant be so ****ing bad to be unforgivable. Ive said all I could, im depressed, my life needs to get back on track, I woke up just hours ago dreaming about her. I miss her heaps and want to start on a fresh slate with her...every other time she has said that shed love to do that with me...not this time...im dead to her...and my whole idea of being friends I was jus told im smothering her (even though i dont call nemore) and then to bitch me out for calling her friend to seek reconcilliation. HELP!
Author Peagle87 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 I will also admit...part of this is because im dependent on relationships and slowly cut more and more of my life away to make her happy. After this breakup though I did not lose as much stuff as I did with my first ex Im defintely hurting heavily because I feel so lost. In a sense I did lose "my better half" because she was so very much my life. Hope to hear from you guys.
OhMittens Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I think the first thing you need to work on is your insecurities and manipulation. Having these qualities is not going to allow you to fully engage in a relationship and will eventually cause the same issues that you had in this past relationship. If you don't feel like you can trust someone then you should just simply not be with them. Whether the lack of trust comes from external or internal sources doesn't matter, no relationship can last without trust. NC isn't for getting the person back nor is it for the other person, it's for you to heal and figure out what you need to do to make a relationship successful and why you made some of the decisions you made. Try to work on yourself without worrying what impact it is going to have on your ability to get this girl back. Simply you need to work on yourself for you.
Author Peagle87 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 I agree wholeheaetdely. My insecurities werent terrible persay theyre there mostly becuz i cheated on but they grew worse with her becuz i started to lose that stability. I wanted her to be more emotional and sweet which she said wasnt her. Strangely she did at times and would get upset with me if i started being more aloof yet she says on her end it was it was an act. I dont make excuses but if someone increasingly is still in love with an ex ufc flame esp becuz she drove him away becuz of her partying and found herself reminscing on "what if" scenarios figuring its her dream man i think any man would be eaten up by that. In the end turns out she didnt want him and told me you got your answers but you lost me. Sighhhh
OhMittens Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 You just have to try and let her go. I'm in the same position bud. Every day is its own battle and it's just a lot of pain. Just try and work on yourself and hopefully things will get better.
Author Peagle87 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 Trying to. I removed her pictures and gave all my stuff to a friend and told him not to give it back to me until sometime in the new year. Seems like nc is now the only way to go. Shes usually herself even told me post breakups how am i supposed to appreciate you if youre here. The diff is at least shed talk to me post breakups about her life but nows it a complete shutdown. New to me and hard to deal with. In an attempt to at least paint myself in a different light of her remembering me i bought her this t shirt thats shipping to her house. It has a firefly on it as thats what i used to call her. I think coupled with nc and lc after she gets the tshirt itll at least put me into a better light. When i was getting my stuff she was still wearing the firefly necklace that i bought her
iceweasel6 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Peagle87, I think OhMittens advice is spot on. Keep NC. You don't want to do LC. In fact, each day that you don't speak to her is a day that you begin to change in her mind the person who you are. Each time you talk to her, contact her, message her, email her, or send her gifts in the mail, is the more it affirms in her mind your "sheltered, charity case creeper" nature. Heal yourself buddy. It will take time, at least 2-3 months. And for the love of God and all things holy, don't send her anything more in the mail - it only makes it worse - not better. And if you can - see a counsellor at your school - it will help to give you real skills and insight into why you do "creeper" things like hack into facebook and phones of your ex's. All the best.
Author Peagle87 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 I see her on msn but nc there.is my being online a form of breaking nc? Also if she contacts me especially asking wtf the gift was for do i say simply say you were right this is for the **** i did and so you remember me in a better light or jus plain and simple nooooo contact?
Author Peagle87 Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 UPDATE! So due to emotional turbulence and her ex dicking her around she texted me like 4 times and asked me to call her. The convo was basically a rehash of her texts and she was crying. Told me that shes sorry she treated me like such **** and that she needs to heal herself first before she can love me or someone completely and that shes sorry she cant give me that right now. Also that she doesnt want to leave stuff on bad terms. We also kind of talked today shooting the **** and that she wasnt asking for me back or anything. I asked if we can make it work and she said she doesnt want it. She went on a boat cruise with her friends kind of seemed to get over stuff. I asked if maybe circumstances change ( i know chumpy move) theres a possibility and she said it depends on where we are in life. I cant keep talking to her I think though...seems like Ill just permantently end up in the friend zone.
Author Peagle87 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Ok so an update to my situation and probably the last one. Since the last post i kind of compromised my situation i think. She had called me asking for help on her hmwrk. She could tell something was up as i was heading to her friends place. Basically all hell broke loose as i did like 4 different drugs got rly emotional and called her. Not her real friends tho but she still got very pissed saying she hopes i die and such She msged my friend trying to be all civil and saying i have an addictive personality and have been acting crazy which was true. My buddy got involved and told me she cares about me but i had reached the point of no return. About 3 days later i was at my friends modelling agency and went out for beers as i found out a new man she met on the internet had driven for 3 hours to go see her. They were together for days. I went into a rage after the beers and out of principle demanded to see her get my condoms and sex stuff back (in my mind no weirdo is just going to use my stuff) and demanded my gifts. It was heart wrenching taking the necklace i bought off her neck. I then told her i cant do this. I gave it back to her but not sure if she kept it. We sat and talked it out and all my feelings (whenever id call her many times including this time my friend was promplty texted by her) i finally got everything out as chumpy as it was. When i told her what her issues are she burst into tears and looked completely gutted when i told her i had been with a stripper (stripper asked for my numer) A few days later she told me she got the t shirt we had one of those take care of yourself conversations yadda yadda and i told her to tell me about anything big that happens in her life. I noticed that she had viewed me on a dating site n told my friend about it who told her off. Since then (3 weeks nc) ive been emotional but in the worst case scenario i stupidly sent her a youtube link of "our song". All in all ive stopped with te crazy calls and been a lot more composed. Im returning to myself slowly. Im just disgusted at my super impulsive behavior. Im torn between obviously still loving her and the memories and my mind telling me i hate her for leaving me as i was heavily sick and in times of need. Ive immersed myself in ufc fighting and have been training solid for the last 3 weeks and im getting back to me but as i say im still hurting bad over this. As crazy as i sound i have a lot more going for me like solid friends family good job good prospects but somehow still my confidence is damaged and i feel like i lost something good. Oh and to top it off as im finishing this line now kelly clarksons "already gone" just started playing on the radio
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