to trust my boyfriend, or not give in to what may be a lie?

[acres]

Right off the bat I want to say that I am very aware of the fact that I might be over-reacting, that's why I came here. Another is: my relationship isn't like everyone else's. We're both very loyal to each other and have little unsaid rules and promises with each other to feel safe and secure. I personally think that that's how some relationships work and shouldn't haven't to function like everyone else's. I didn't really have to set this one "rule" up with my boyfriend, because he never does it anyway. He never looks at porn and he's stated that he's perfectly happy with me in every way. We've never strayed after 4 years of being together in any way, and he's never done anything deliberately awful to me. This is why I'm asking for your help.

 

My boyfriend and I download a lot of movie torrents into our downloads folders, and watch them on the television when they're finished. This morning the laptop was open to his desktop, and his downloads folder was wide open on display. I decided to check out the movie we downloaded last night, and quickly realized that there was about 5 to 7 different clips of hentai porn beneath the torrent folders. I quickly dismissed it because I know torrents can come with viruses that plant those things, but I also couldn't be sure. I decided to keep quiet and panic silently, but couldn't hold it in forever, and broke a couple hours before he went to work. I had to say something, and I was very calm and collected, and we talked it out for about an hour. We narrowed it down to it being malware. He was very understanding and loving about it, and even showed affection, he got really upset about it and stated that he felt awful that I was hurting, because he couldn't explain the files to me. Then suspicions crept up on me once again a little later and I couldn't shake it off, and I feel bad for acting the way I am because it really isn't that big of a deal, except for the fact that if he really did look at those clips-he's lying to me. I can't stand being lied to. It's a pride thing, I don't want to say everything's okay until I know for sure, but there's no way I can know for sure except if I just trust him and let it go.

I've never had this problem with him before, and I don't care what others say, he's never looked at porn since I've been with him. Honest. You can say what you will but everything I've experienced since being with him points to him being innocent. Now, he's very frustrated and confused, and understands where I'm coming from since it looks incriminating, but also really frustrated over the fact that he thinks I don't trust him now.

 

I suppose the simple fact alone that he's loyal and very respectful of me, and has never given me a reason to not trust him should be enough for me to let it go, but the files are just sitting there- and they look so obvious.

 

I don't want to be a fool if he's lying to me, but he's standing very firmly on his claim that he didn't do anything and has no interest in it. Something most people would call inhuman, but I've known others to be the same way as him. I don't think it's impossible, though I am a female- I never look at porn. I have no interest in it, I think it's sexier when emotion is involved. What shall I do? I don't want to hear any "honey, every man looks at porn and if you can't get over it, you'll be alone for the rest of your life." It's not always true, I want to hear some more sensible answers. Again, it's not the fact that there's a small possibility he's guilty that bothers me, it's the fact that he would be lying if that were the case.

 

He's never threatened me with a breakup before, but because I can't seem to let it go that he might be lying to me, he's been saying that if I can't trust that he didn't do anything, that we might need a break or we might be "done." Please keep in mind that he didn't say this immediately, it's after hours of talking, nagging, and pondering. I'm a little torn up to be honest. I have a very deep-seated issue with being lied to, it comes from a lot of events and situations in my life. I know this mess is mostly my fault, and I know that I may be acting irrationally. This is what this is here for though, right?

 

What does this sound like to you, and what can I and should I do? I think I already know the answer, and that's that I should let it go and believe him because he really is a gem, but I want to hear it from someone else.

 

Thank you for any help, I'd really appreciate it. I don't know who else to go to about this sort of thing!

[whichwayisup]

If it's a once in a while thing, don't take it personally as it has nothing to do with you. Many men surf porn..Doesn't mean anything! If it isn't affecting your sex life, the way he treats you and it's something he does while alone and in private, then what is the harm? Again, it has nothing to do with you.

 

My good friend has a great sex life. Her husband watches porn on occasion. She chose NOT to let it bother her, infact, she bought some hot porn DVDs so they could watch together and have some fun.

 

Your boyfriend is not doing anything wrong. I hope you can get past this, but sadly if you can't, you might end up losing him.

[Forever Learning]

If he is a gem you should keep him and get off his back about this.

 

Unless you suspect he is becoming a porn addict, that is a different story.

 

Just communicate to him how this makes you feel and how would he feel if the tables were turned.

 

And take a good look at yourself, how it is you became so insecure and terrified of being lied to. Believe me I understand, i used to be the very same way.

 

But this is what I discovered -

 

It is no way to live.

 

A BETTER way to live is educate yourself as to why you are so fearful of being lied to. Expand your horizons, read books about relationships and building your self esteem, try Dr. Wayne Dyer.

 

As you strengthen yourself, you will be more and more confident in life - and more prepared in the future, for if your significant other does indeed lie to you, that you won't freak out so badly and shatter into a million pieces.

 

You will have more faith in YOURSELF, to confidently handle and deal with these type situations (there will be THOUSANDS of these situations in your lifetime), and face them more calmly, and less emotionally and less from a position of

 

' HURT and FEAR'

 

and more from a position of

 

'calmness, understanding, and compassion'.

 

Our own egos and pride are usually our biggest problems in life. They can take a wonderful thing (your relationship with this guy) and completely ruin it, forever.

 

Compassion in understanding others is the key to success in life.

 

This doesn't mean put up with crazy dysfunctional bull**** that makes you miserable.

 

You must have boundaries.

 

Deciding and establishing what those boundaries are, is the challenge we all face in carving out our unique version of our lives.

 

I say keep this guy, I think he is totally normal and you guys are happy together. Just keep the lines of communication open. I don't think he has any intention of hurting you, but he doesn't want to be a pansy who gets bossed around by you, either. That is a guy thing too - read up around here to learn more about the dynamics of interaction between men and women. You will learn alot and it's all good. All the best to you.

Edited July 1, 2011 by Forever Learning