Jenny8675309 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Hi All, I realize this post must resurface every week or so but I thought I'd reach out for a little advice/smack on the head anyway.... My boyfriend and I are both working professionals in our late 20’s. We are in love and things are going so well we have moved in together already. We have a lot in common and have a blast together every day. My issue with his wandering eye has nothing to do with simple glances, I completely understand people can be eye catching. I have an issue with him doing double takes at people on the street, watching ladies stroll down the street until their out of sight, or all the way across a bar (I'm talking head turning, conversation stopping, blatant staring). This issue has surfaced over the last month/ month and a half and it's already to the point where I see him doing it and stare at his face until his eyes leave the object of attraction and return to me. Examples include almost wrecking the car because he was staring at a blonde in a convertible, doing a double take and then staring at a group of college girls coming around a corner while we were at a stop light, halting conversation on the beach while on vacation so he could watch two women in bikinis stroll down the beach and out of sight, seeing a skirt from behind while bike riding together and staring at them until we pass them and he turns around to check out their face….etc, etc. I have tried talking to him about it several times. I've told him I don't care if he looks, I just want him to keep it discreet because I find it insulting and embarrassing. I’ve told him that he can look at whomever he wants, but I wish he would keep it in check when we’re out together. Apparently, his last girlfriend was extremely jealous of his staring problem and yelled at him in public- a lot (he told me this, which say's to me he knows what he's doing) because now he refuses to address it. Each time I bring it up, (I've tried a variety of ways and angles...none of them accusatory...er- in my opinion anyway) he acts like I'm completely out of line and denies looking at anyone. -Should I chill out since he's not cheating? -Would you trust that your partner would not cheat on you if they refused to acknowledge these types of actions as disrespectful? -While this behavior seems insulting to me, is it pretty typical? I’ve had several long term boyfriends and plenty of shorter relationship attempts, I’ve never been with a man who pulls this crap right in front of me. I can see several arguments for each “side” but I’m hoping an unbiased third party perspective will be helpful. Part of me says he’s just having innocent fun but he’ll respect my feelings if I can communicate them in a manner he’ll understand. Another part of me is thinking- I can’t make him listen to how his actions makes me feel, and he’ll only keep doing it if I stay. If I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, I need to hear it.
Calypso08 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Just my opinion...but that is definitely not just a molehill. It's bad enough he does it in the first place, but completely disrespecting your request to keep it in check is a big fat red flag. I understand how guys are, but there are plenty of guys out there that DO NOT do that. I have never caught any of my past boyfriends looking at other women(And trust me, I DO watch to see if they do!).
denise_xo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I think the denial especially is a big red flag. You sound like you're being more than reasonable about it.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I've found guys like this are in the minority -- and in the end, for a woman who wants something meaningful and lasting, they are the bottom of the barrel. I brought this up with my last boyfriend, who was the only guy I'd been with who ogled other woman all the time. He offered to stop doing it completely. I told him I didn't want to police him, but asked that he just be a little more subtle about it when we were on a date or doing something together, as I found the overt ogling disrespectful and sad. He did curb it a little, but the fact is he was always looking for greener grass, in more ways than just this. And I think he's one of those guys who always will be.
tigressA Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I've found guys like this are in the minority -- and in the end, for a woman who wants something meaningful and lasting, they are the bottom of the barrel. I brought this up with my last boyfriend, who was the only guy I'd been with who ogled other woman all the time. He offered to stop doing it completely. I told him I didn't want to police him, but asked that he just be a little more subtle about it when we were on a date or doing something together, as I found the overt ogling disrespectful and sad. He did curb it a little, but the fact is he was always looking for greener grass, in more ways than just this. And I think he's one of those guys who always will be. Definitely. You are being perfectly reasonable about this. What he's doing is hugely disrespectful. Stopping conversation? Nearly wrecking his car?! Not only is he disrespecting and humiliating you, he's also putting you in harm's way. And that he's denying doing anything and putting it all on you is also a tremendous neon-red flag. If you ever want to feel respected and valued in a relationship again, end this one.
make me believe Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 In addition to being totally disrespectful, his behavior also sounds really embarrassing! I'm sure these girls notice what he is doing and they are probably feeling sorry for his poor girlfriend who is sitting there looking like a fool while her boyfriend practically crashes his car in an attempt to look at some chick. You aren't over-reacting at all.
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