taqiy Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Trust issue. Yesterday I noticed my girlfriend sending a text message about a problem she had to somebody she used to work with. This friend was a female. But gut told me this isn't the person she is texting so yes I went through her phone copied the # and called it from a blocked #. Sure enough a guy picked up and I hung up the phone. I was totally crushed that she lied to me. This is someone I'm planning on moving out of state with currently as we're in the process of moving in a few months. We started trying to have a kid since our financial situation is good and were both in our late 20s. We planned on getting married in a few months too. But now? How can I trust her? I approached her about it and she admitted to hiding the #. It was her boss. Funny thing is she has a phone # of his in her phone under his real name. Then this other # under a womens name. It kills me because I've been so upfront and honest with her. She said she wasn't cheating with him. And that she hid his number because she wasn't comfortable telling me it was him if they had regular conversations with him so she pretended it was a girl. Plus she said I had an issue with him. She's told me in the past he looks at her funny like stares at her when he visits her job. I never made a big deal about him for her to hide this though. On her bday he sent her a message I didn't really like where he told her she's the best and how he loves her. Mind u he is married with kids. I let that slide. One other time when we first met she won a trip to a football game from her job that coworkers from her company won too. She ended up going with her boss them two alone. His wife didn't know about this from what I heard. So now looking back at all of this it makes me wonder if they have something going on with him from before we even met. Now about my girlfriends history with exs. Her first ex was very jealous and physically abusive towards her. Part of me thought she isn't comfortable talking to me about guys because of her past baggage with this guy. Now the guy she dated before me. When we met almost 2 yrs ago he sent me a faceboook messge warning me that she's a player. How she played him and warned me that when she's on her phone she's really talking to guys trying to cheat and told me watch shell eventually do it to u. I blew this message off thinking he was the hating ex. Also once before also when we first met she hid a guy she dated be4 me in her phone as a girl. I caught her and she said she didn't want to make me feel funny that she was texting with a guy she dated before me. We made it past that and our relationship has been great. But now I feel I don't know if I can trust her. I don't know if she cheated or not? What do u guys think. I'm completely heart broked. I loved her so much. Overall besides this she's a great girlfriend. But says she has issues that can't be upfront with me about guy friends. Also she has accused me of cheating indirectly in the past. Like questioning my whereabouts. She swears she didn't cheat but its like I don't know what to believe anymore.
TigerCub Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Trust issue. Yesterday I noticed my girlfriend sending a text message about a problem she had to somebody she used to work with. This friend was a female. But gut told me this isn't the person she is texting so yes I went through her phone copied the # and called it from a blocked #. Sure enough a guy picked up and I hung up the phone. I was totally crushed that she lied to me. This is someone I'm planning on moving out of state with currently as we're in the process of moving in a few months. We started trying to have a kid since our financial situation is good and were both in our late 20s. We planned on getting married in a few months too. But now? How can I trust her? I approached her about it and she admitted to hiding the #. It was her boss. Funny thing is she has a phone # of his in her phone under his real name. Then this other # under a womens name. It kills me because I've been so upfront and honest with her. If there was nothing to hide - she'd be hiding nothing.... People only hide things they know are "bad". She said she wasn't cheating with him. And that she hid his number because she wasn't comfortable telling me it was him if they had regular conversations with him so she pretended it was a girl. well if it was all innocent talk why would you have a problem with it? You most likely wouldn't - so I guess the talk is a lot more frequent than is appropriate for someone in a relationship and I'm sure its crossing some boundaries that shouldn't be crossed either - if not, then why would you be mad?? Plus she said I had an issue with him. She's told me in the past he looks at her funny like stares at her when he visits her job. I never made a big deal about him for her to hide this though. On her bday he sent her a message I didn't really like where he told her she's the best and how he loves her. Yeah, I do great work, but my boss never "loved" me for it. Mind u he is married with kids. I let that slide. haha, yeah, like that matters One other time when we first met she won a trip to a football game from her job that coworkers from her company won too. She ended up going with her boss them two alone. His wife didn't know about this from what I heard. So now looking back at all of this it makes me wonder if they have something going on with him from before we even met. I'm willing to bet that yes, they do. I'm sorry, and I really don't mean to be hurtful, but you need to really question things and open your eyes. Now about my girlfriends history with exs. Her first ex was very jealous and physically abusive towards her. Part of me thought she isn't comfortable talking to me about guys because of her past baggage with this guy. I can appreciate how you're trying to look at it from different angles and see why/how she would keep such things secret from you, but the rest of the details don't add up to an "innocent" verdict. I'm sorry. Now the guy she dated before me. When we met almost 2 yrs ago he sent me a faceboook messge warning me that she's a player. How she played him and warned me that when she's on her phone she's really talking to guys trying to cheat and told me watch shell eventually do it to u. I blew this message off thinking he was the hating ex. Also once before also when we first met she hid a guy she dated be4 me in her phone as a girl. I caught her and she said she didn't want to make me feel funny that she was texting with a guy she dated before me. We made it past that and our relationship has been great. WOW, so she's done it before and you actually think that you "made it past that"? You let it slide the first time, and now she expects you to let it slide the second time - if you do - don't be surprised when the 3rd time happens. As for the ex's email, yeah I wouldn't have given it much thought either - but her actions are what you should be paying attention to - and it clearly shows that she'll do things, you'll let it slide and she'll do them again. I truly believe that she's carrying on an affair with her boss and its been going on before you came along. Maybe the boss was that same # you found before (its been a while, you probably don't even remember it). But now I feel I don't know if I can trust her. I don't know if she cheated or not? What do u guys think. I'm completely heart broked. I loved her so much. Overall besides this she's a great girlfriend. But says she has issues that can't be upfront with me about guy friends. Also she has accused me of cheating indirectly in the past. Like questioning my whereabouts. She swears she didn't cheat but its like I don't know what to believe anymore. Can't believe you're even questioning if you can trust her... as for the part in bold, its a known fact, cheaters for some reason always think that their SO is cheating on them. Maybe its because they know how easy it is to cheat and get away with it that they just assume everyone does it. Cheaters in general are very insecure selfish people. Don't waste more time on this girl and just be glad that you didn't have the baby you planned on together, or else you would have been tied to this girl for a long a$$ time.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 But now I feel I don't know if I can trust her. I don't know if she cheated or not? What do u guys think. I'm completely heart broked. I loved her so much. Overall besides this she's a great girlfriend. But says she has issues that can't be upfront with me about guy friends. Also she has accused me of cheating indirectly in the past. Like questioning my whereabouts. She swears she didn't cheat but its like I don't know what to believe anymore. I can't say if she is a cheater or not, but she is just way to sneaky. I would not marry her.
oaks Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 This is someone I'm planning on moving out of state with currently as we're in the process of moving in a few months. We started trying to have a kid since our financial situation is good and were both in our late 20s. We planned on getting married in a few months too. But now? How can I trust her? It sounds like she isn't worthy of your trust. Break off that engagement today, and cancel the move.
Author taqiy Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Tiger thank u so much! U made so many valid points! One of the the things u pointed out is that the # from the first time was probably her boss. I thought the same thing. I really love her so much but I need to open my eyes up and have the strength to see it. They say love is blind and I think I just don't want to admitt something is going on. How do I break this off? What do I say?
oaks Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 What do I say? This should get the message across: "You're a liar and I think you're having an affair with your boss. The wedding is off. I'm not moving. Bye."
Imajerk17 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (1) How did you meet this girl and how does her ex know about you? (2) Why are you going through each others' phones? That seems weird to me. I would be suspecting something is up between her and her boss though.
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Tiger thank u so much! U made so many valid points! One of the the things u pointed out is that the # from the first time was probably her boss. I thought the same thing. I really love her so much but I need to open my eyes up and have the strength to see it. They say love is blind and I think I just don't want to admitt something is going on. How do I break this off? What do I say? Tell her that you don't trust her and you don't value the relationship like you used to. Make it short, do not agree to be friends and stand your ground on breaking up, do not back down and then No Contact her. Don't come back with a "it's not that simple" or any other list of excuses to stay with her or stay in contact with her. What I said above is the best way to break it off.
TigerCub Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Tiger thank u so much! U made so many valid points! One of the the things u pointed out is that the # from the first time was probably her boss. I thought the same thing. I really love her so much but I need to open my eyes up and have the strength to see it. They say love is blind and I think I just don't want to admitt something is going on. How do I break this off? What do I say? You're welcome taqiy Its hard to break up with someone you love, believe me, I understand it, but I think you just need to ask yourself "Can I live with this person? Can I really ever trust them when they go out with their "friends", or will I constantly live in paranoia? Will I worry every time I see her using her phone? I personally don't consider that any way to live. I'm guessing you feel the same way, so keep that in mind when/if you choose to break it off with her. I can't really tell you what to do, but if you wanted to break up with her, just tell her that she's done it before and now you see that it was a mistake on your part to let it go and trust her, and that you don't want to make that mistake again. She's proven that she can't be trusted, she's having an affair with her boss and you don't want to be the fall back guy, the one that's just serving the purpose of supporting her and keeping her company when she's not with her lover. She will cry and plead and deny and put on a whole show for you. But if you want to work things out with her, you need for her to tell you the absolute truth and to show you complete transparency with her contacts, etc. But that's up to you. You need to decide if you want to be with her or not. If you're willing to believe her or not. Its a real s**ty situation you're in, and I hope you do what's best for you.
Author taqiy Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 (1) How did you meet this girl and how does her ex know about you? (2) Why are you going through each others' phones? That seems weird to me. I would be suspecting something is up between her and her boss though. We met a couple yrs ago on an online dating site. Her ex found about me through facebook that it said in a relationship with me and sent me a private message.
Author taqiy Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Tell her that you don't trust her and you don't value the relationship like you used to. Make it short, do not agree to be friends and stand your ground on breaking up, do not back down and then No Contact her. Don't come back with a "it's not that simple" or any other list of excuses to stay with her or stay in contact with her. What I said above is the best way to break it off. Thank u so much for the advice and words of wisdom!
Author taqiy Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 You're welcome taqiy Its hard to break up with someone you love, believe me, I understand it, but I think you just need to ask yourself "Can I live with this person? Can I really ever trust them when they go out with their "friends", or will I constantly live in paranoia? Will I worry every time I see her using her phone? I personally don't consider that any way to live. I'm guessing you feel the same way, so keep that in mind when/if you choose to break it off with her. I can't really tell you what to do, but if you wanted to break up with her, just tell her that she's done it before and now you see that it was a mistake on your part to let it go and trust her, and that you don't want to make that mistake again. She's proven that she can't be trusted, she's having an affair with her boss and you don't want to be the fall back guy, the one that's just serving the purpose of supporting her and keeping her company when she's not with her lover. She will cry and plead and deny and put on a whole show for you. But if you want to work things out with her, you need for her to tell you the absolute truth and to show you complete transparency with her contacts, etc. But that's up to you. You need to decide if you want to be with her or not. If you're willing to believe her or not. Its a real s**ty situation you're in, and I hope you do what's best for you. Thank u again Tiger. Its tough to accuse her and the boss of an affair without any 100% concrete evidence but I guess all the evidence is there for me to see in my face and I need to just man up! Its a tough choice is a right. I just have to find the strength to do this. I'm absoultely drained right now emotionally and mentally.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Thank u so much for the advice and words of wisdom! So... What do you plan to do now? Clearly she is just keeping you around as a backup plan, hoping that her boss will sweep her away some day.
TigerCub Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Thank u again Tiger. Its tough to accuse her and the boss of an affair without any 100% concrete evidence but I guess all the evidence is there for me to see in my face and I need to just man up! Its a tough choice is a right. I just have to find the strength to do this. I'm absoultely drained right now emotionally and mentally. Well its true, it takes a very special way of declaring things to get someone to confess without much evidence. I think you can still do it because there is some evidence there. But...if you want more, just pretend that all is well, put a key logger on the computer and snoop some more on her phone, see what you find. Its really not something I would normally recommend because snooping is an indicator of a much bigger issue - and if that issue is there, then might as well pack it up...but if that 's what you want to do, go that route. I think that you can bluff your way with her, you can tell her that you know that she is cheating, and if she wants any chance of even talking to you again, then she'd better come out with it and confess. Even better.... You can totally play her and talk to her so calmly and tell her that you want nothing more than to get past this, and move away as planned, and get married, but "baby, I just need to hear the truth, so we can move past it and be happy together. You know that the love we have can withstand anything, but we need to be on solid ground, I need to know that you can tell me the truth", totally sweet talk her and make her think that nothing will happen just as long as she confesses, when she does, get details, and then dump her cheating ass.
Author taqiy Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Well its true, it takes a very special way of declaring things to get someone to confess without much evidence. I think you can still do it because there is some evidence there. But...if you want more, just pretend that all is well, put a key logger on the computer and snoop some more on her phone, see what you find. Its really not something I would normally recommend because snooping is an indicator of a much bigger issue - and if that issue is there, then might as well pack it up...but if that 's what you want to do, go that route. I think that you can bluff your way with her, you can tell her that you know that she is cheating, and if she wants any chance of even talking to you again, then she'd better come out with it and confess. Even better.... You can totally play her and talk to her so calmly and tell her that you want nothing more than to get past this, and move away as planned, and get married, but "baby, I just need to hear the truth, so we can move past it and be happy together. You know that the love we have can withstand anything, but we need to be on solid ground, I need to know that you can tell me the truth", totally sweet talk her and make her think that nothing will happen just as long as she confesses, when she does, get details, and then dump her cheating ass. Lol that's some really good ideas for me to ponder on. Right now she thinks everything with us is okay so I can do your last option with ease or at least I think. She did ask me to come over tonight and was acting really sweet with me all day. But I feel so drained right now that I can't deal with her today.
TigerCub Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Lol that's some really good ideas for me to ponder on. Right now she thinks everything with us is okay so I can do your last option with ease or at least I think. She did ask me to come over tonight and was acting really sweet with me all day. But I feel so drained right now that I can't deal with her today. Ya know what? This actually works to your benefit. If you're too tired, just tell her that you're not really up for it right now, you have a lot on your mind (but don't answer her if she asks what it is). Just tell her that you'll call her later and see her in a few days. This initiates panic mode in her. If she keeps texting or calling or whatever, don't reply to it right away and don't go into details with her about anything if you do reply. this will definitely make her worry and wonder. People who have stuff to hide, always live in fear of being found out. Don't be mean, don't be rude, just be a little "off". After all you got some stuff to think about When you do see her in a few days. Tell her that the stuff you were thinking about was related to the phone number stuff and that you've been mulling all this other stuff with regards to the boss in your head for a while. Then do the sweet talking stuff that I wrote earlier and see what happens. Good luck And if you do follow our little plan, let me know how it goes
Author taqiy Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Ya know what? This actually works to your benefit. If you're too tired, just tell her that you're not really up for it right now, you have a lot on your mind (but don't answer her if she asks what it is). Just tell her that you'll call her later and see her in a few days. This initiates panic mode in her. If she keeps texting or calling or whatever, don't reply to it right away and don't go into details with her about anything if you do reply. this will definitely make her worry and wonder. People who have stuff to hide, always live in fear of being found out. Don't be mean, don't be rude, just be a little "off". After all you got some stuff to think about When you do see her in a few days. Tell her that the stuff you were thinking about was related to the phone number stuff and that you've been mulling all this other stuff with regards to the boss in your head for a while. Then do the sweet talking stuff that I wrote earlier and see what happens. Good luck And if you do follow our little plan, let me know how it goes great great idea tiger! i told her im tired. she said i going to miss u and asked if i was coming tomorrow. she sounded really disappointed and i didnt have a chance to answer her because i had just arrived at my aunts house and was saying hi to everyone and told her we'll talk later. since i started acting "off" shes text me like 5 times to initiate any convo. Im going to follow your advice and maybe see her by the weekend. shes not used to this since we've been spending the nights together at either of our houses the past few months. i really would like to tell her how hurt i am right no but i guess its best i dont huh? just try to keep a poker face?
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 great great idea tiger! i told her im tired. she said i going to miss u and asked if i was coming tomorrow. she sounded really disappointed and i didnt have a chance to answer her because i had just arrived at my aunts house and was saying hi to everyone and told her we'll talk later. since i started acting "off" shes text me like 5 times to initiate any convo. Im going to follow your advice and maybe see her by the weekend. shes not used to this since we've been spending the nights together at either of our houses the past few months. i really would like to tell her how hurt i am right no but i guess its best i dont huh? just try to keep a poker face? Before we get into all this game playing (no judgement from me, I'm just saying) make sure you go into it knowing what you want from this and what you plan on doing. Breaking up with someone is not really a play it by ear kind of thing. It's very interesting that she's now texting you like mad. I'm sure her alert levels are up and is wondering what you're thinking about. Best to just find a way to get the truth out of her. If you can't do it and still don't trust her - best to walk. And make it as painless as possible for you - breakups should be as swift as possible - though nobody says they are easy. Don't tell her you are hurt - get as many facts lined up as possible and no matter how much you get angry, sad, frustrated - maintain a calm front.
golightly Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 It sounds like she's cheating to me... or at least contemplating it. There would be no other reason to hide her bosses number. I say confront her. Say you know what's going on between her and her boss, say you dont need to tell her how you know as its so painful but you know... if she is inncoent you'll tell by her freaction.. if shes guilty you'll know too... I'm so sorry.. I hope you have a lot of support about you.. You'll find someone as honest and loving as you are one day
Author taqiy Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Before we get into all this game playing (no judgement from me, I'm just saying) make sure you go into it knowing what you want from this and what you plan on doing. Breaking up with someone is not really a play it by ear kind of thing. It's very interesting that she's now texting you like mad. I'm sure her alert levels are up and is wondering what you're thinking about. Best to just find a way to get the truth out of her. If you can't do it and still don't trust her - best to walk. And make it as painless as possible for you - breakups should be as swift as possible - though nobody says they are easy. Don't tell her you are hurt - get as many facts lined up as possible and no matter how much you get angry, sad, frustrated - maintain a calm front. yeah her alert levels are really up! she called me asking if i was mad at her and i played it off and said no. then she asked me if she could come 2 my place!
TigerCub Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 yeah her alert levels are really up! she called me asking if i was mad at her and i played it off and said no. then she asked me if she could come 2 my place! See why would you be mad at her if she never did anything wrong? I'm glad you're trying out our little plan. I agree with other posters, and I thought I mentioned this to you before, be sure you know what you want to do either way she responds. If she's lying, I think you'll know - trust your gut. and maybe doing the sweet talk bit to get to confess would be a good way to go. Keep us posted! Good luck!
Author taqiy Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 a little update. we spoke briefly on the phone last night as i played the tired card. she kept saying how much she misses me, etc. etc. and asked me if i'd come over today and i said i dont know and she then invited herself over for tonight saying she gets off of work early today and wants to spend the night. she appogized for hiding the # and said she was wrong. to be honest i don't know how sincere it really seeemed. at times she seems very emotionless to me. but at some point in the convo it sounded like she may had shed a tear as she said i dont want to lose you. today we've spoken briefly about a package she had mailed to my house that never showed up and honestly the convo both ways seemed kind of dry, more so on my part. she never brought up coming over still tonight. i really hope she doesnt. Okay last night she brought up the whole thing with her boss. here is her story why she hid the #. Now she says she hid her bosses number as a girl and it wasnt anything to do with me. She is a manager at her job. She had an issue with an employee stealing quite a few months ago that she, her boss, and the company were investigating. She said she had to talk quite a bit with her boss about this issue and didn't want any the guy being investigated or any of her co-workers to know that she was talking to him due to this investigation. She said she leaves her phone in the lunch room charging at times and didn't want co-workers or this guy to see that she was talking to him frequently. She said she regrets never telling me she did that. But thats her excuse basically. She proceeded to say that she never had anything going on with her boss and made it where she is at in her job because of work ethic (she won manager of the year for her company this year) 1. she said because he's married and she would never mess around with a married guy. 2. because he's not her type. she doesn't date guys of his ethnicity so she says. her and i are of different ethnic backgrounds, not that has anything to do with this situation. She ended it by saying Buy it or sell it?
reservoirdog1 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) Buy it or sell it? My $0.02... It's been two days since you confronted her about the issue of secretly talking to her boss. Therein lies the problem with the explanation she's now given you. Firstly, it makes little sense. She's a manager, and has to charge her phone in the lunch room, accessible to the guy-under-investigation and everybody else? Doesn't she have an office? Why on earth wouldn't she find somewhere else to charge it? Secondly, despite the story itself making no sense, there's another issue. If there really WAS an innocent explanation, why didn't she give it to you two days ago, when you confronted her? If she really was innocent of anything dishonest, why wouldn's she want to extricate herself from your suspicions at the earliest opportunity? Instead, she spent two days conjuring up a story which, though purporting to make everything seem innocent, is clearly BS. Danger, Will Robinson. Edited June 30, 2011 by reservoirdog1
iJester Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Definitely full of ****. Don't bother trying to get her to confess, just dump her. Whether she's ****ed him yet or not, she wants to, and that's more than enough to end it. Stop playing the games because it's giving you hope, where there isn't any.
molimo140 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Wow man... this whole story really bothers me on a deep level. I'm really sorry to hear that this has been going on with the person that you love. That story sounds like complete bull, and I agree that if it were true, she would have told you about it when you confronted her the first time. You have a really tough decision ahead of you, but the right move in my mind would be to move on.
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