Lucy2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Hey all, Reassure me I've done the right thing..... Dated someone for 6 months, we split in January. He wanted to stay friends (I wasn't keen) which we did. Went out weekly as friends, for meals, days out etc/texted etc regularly/spoke on yahoo. Was nothing in it (although he did text me a few times 'til the early hours with suggestive messages). Anyhow..saw on FB at the weekend he'd met someone else. I was livid he didn't have the manners to tell me, after all the support I'd given him this year. So I texted him and he admitted he'd met someone, was sorry and he hadn't wanted me to find out like that. I asked for my things back and went round when he was out and put the stuff he'd given me through his letterbox. My stuff arrived yesterday in the post. Other than that no word. Please someone tell me I was right to be hurt...I don't care he's met someone else seriously. Just so hurt he couldn't tell me. Now I'm thinking I should text him and apologise which is just mad as I've done nothing wrong!
smudge21 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I feel bad saying this, but I was in your ex's shoes a while back. My ex back then wanted to stay in contact, I enjoyed her company so we did. We hung out as friends, nothing else. When I met someone I have to say I was really shocked that it hurt her - I guess I'd just accepted that she was happy being friends. I felt terrible, but what could I do. We'd ended the relationship and both agreed to be friends. Something I've learnt recently and from coming here is that relationships are never 50/50, someone always cares more than the other. Then when a relationship ends, the dumper has usually moved on long before that end came about. The dumpee is still in full on feeling mode, so to speak. For my ex and for you, the feelings were still very much there and you may have simply tried to put them behind you just to stay in contact with the one you love. You basically lied to yourself, and continuued to do so - I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just being as honest as I can. My ex clearly had strong feelings that had never gone away - how can they have, she was never really apart from me. She never had her period of no contact, just like you. I'm not for one second saying the situation is identical, I'm just putting my side across. For all we know, your ex may have acted in the same way - totally innocent about everything, thinking you were happy just with friends. I guess this is similar to when people enter that dreaded 'friend-zone' with someone they love. The person they love just treats them as friends and then doesn't see them in any other way. I guess it's down to do you believe your ex treated you intentially badly or could he have simply not noticed that your feelings were still this strong. All that being said, there are better ways to announce you've met someone to an ex and I don't agree with the way you found out. You have nothing to apologise about (but then again, in some ways, neither does he) - maybe it might be worth dropping him a note simply explaining how you felt, be totally honest. Either way, no contact is the way forward - he's sadly moved on and you need to heal.
Author Lucy2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Hi, Thanks for your reply. I actually feel worse now I've read it to be honest. I really was happy being friends, took a bit of getting used to, but I accepted it. What really, really hurt beyond words was the way I found out...totally cruel and heartless. If we had not been in touch for 6 months fair enough, but we had seen each other every week and communicated almost daily. I'm totally confused now and really don't know what to do.
geegirl Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Hey all, Reassure me I've done the right thing..... Dated someone for 6 months, we split in January. He wanted to stay friends (I wasn't keen) which we did. Went out weekly as friends, for meals, days out etc/texted etc regularly/spoke on yahoo. Was nothing in it (although he did text me a few times 'til the early hours with suggestive messages). Anyhow..saw on FB at the weekend he'd met someone else. I was livid he didn't have the manners to tell me, after all the support I'd given him this year. So I texted him and he admitted he'd met someone, was sorry and he hadn't wanted me to find out like that. I asked for my things back and went round when he was out and put the stuff he'd given me through his letterbox. My stuff arrived yesterday in the post. Other than that no word. Please someone tell me I was right to be hurt...I don't care he's met someone else seriously. Just so hurt he couldn't tell me. Now I'm thinking I should text him and apologise which is just mad as I've done nothing wrong! I don't think you're hurt that he didn't tell you, but more so that he has moved on to someone else. If you were hurt about him not telling you, and if you were platonic friends and clearly acepting that you are ONLY friends, you'd have shoved him on the shoulders, given him a little bit of a hard time and resumed with the "friendship". The terms were that both of you were friends, moving forward. Your continued involvement with him was your indication to him that you accept just being a friend. No friend would done the give me my stuff back and here is your junk stuffed in a mailbox just beacsue you didn't tell me you are dating someone else. You are clearly emotional about him and still attached. Stop deluding yourself into thinking you're ok with him being with someone else. Your reaction clearly shows you're not. You need to cut away and heal. You're not ready to be friends. If you had a real guy friend who did this, would you ask back for your things and think him to be cruel and heartless for not telling you? Edited June 29, 2011 by geegirl
Author Lucy2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 If you had a real guy friend who did this, would you ask back for your things and think him to be cruel and heartless for not telling you? Yes, I'd ask for my things I let him borrow months ago I wanted back. And yes I'd think him cruel and heartless that he didn't have the manners to tell me something like this before announcing it on FB.
geegirl Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Yes, I'd ask for my things I let him borrow months ago I wanted back. And yes I'd think him cruel and heartless that he didn't have the manners to tell me something like this before announcing it on FB. You'd ask for your things back from a platonic friend just because he didn't tell you he was dating someone? Yikes. It's almost as if you require friends to report to you/are obligated to tell you about what's going on in their lives. Cruel and heartless and not having manners just because a friend doesn't tell you about someone they're dating? Maybe I'd wonder why they didn't tell me and probably just give them a bit of a hard time for finding out on FB but I would not consider a friend cruel, heartless and ill mannered just because they had their reasons to announce it on FB. You're projecting your emotions for him onto the situation. If you really were a friend, you'd talk to him about how you felt knowing through FB and explained your feelings instead of returning things and requesting things, which more likely happens when you're emotionally hurt that someone has moved on and is no more focusing his attention on you. Plus, he is announcing it to ALL his FB friends, and that includes you. Edited June 29, 2011 by geegirl
Author Lucy2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I give up! It must just be me, I must be over sensitive. Thanks for your help. Of course I'm hurt and emotional. Someone I used to love, cared so little for my feelings as a friend they couldn't tell me they were dating someone else.
geegirl Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I give up! It must just be me, I must be over sensitive. Thanks for your help. Of course I'm hurt and emotional. Someone I used to love, cared so little for my feelings as a friend they couldn't tell me they were dating someone else. But you chose to be friends. Friends don't get hurt and emotional to this extent. Your expectations were clearly not of someone who was realistically a friend to him. Understand that he was not emotionally invested in you anymore. When you agreed to be friends, he probably assumed that your emotions were at par with his. Therefore, he treated you just as how he was treating all his other friends. I understand you are hurt. But you are hurt not because he didn't tell you. Deep down you are hurt because he has moved on. You are hurt because you felt led on. You are hurt because he will be placing his attention on this other girl. Put all that aside, what you need to do now is realize that you are clearly emotionally affected by him, not in a platonic way and that you really need to heal. You can't and never could be friends with him. You said so yourself that you hesitated being friends. But agreed because I believe you still had hope that maybe things would turn around. The fact that he is with someone else now, is what came crashing down on you. Try to NC to heal. You can be friends with him later, when anything he tells you will be welcomed with indifference. And trust me, when you are truly friends with someone, something like this would not affect you so badly. If you were truly friends.
stray Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Lucy, maybe I'm over-sensitive too, but I think you have a right to be upset. I think your ex should have told you he was seeing somebody. If I was seeing someone, and was still friends with my ex, right out of the break-up, I would tell him as soon as I began seeing other people, so he would understand exactly what our "friendship" entailed. You should be treated as well as you would treat others. Don't expect less.
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 lucy... just walk away... you have to right to be upset... my ex told me lies that she had no intentions on dating anyone or seeing anyone after she broke up with me and wanted to be friends. Do you know why she wanted to be friends with me, so she wouldn't feel bad about breaking up with me and to boost her ego. I've broken up with people before and have only allowed one of them to be friends with me. And that was the biggest mistake of my life because I used and abused her for my own needs
Author Lucy2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Lucy, maybe I'm over-sensitive too, but I think you have a right to be upset. I think your ex should have told you he was seeing somebody. If I was seeing someone, and was still friends with my ex, right out of the break-up, I would tell him as soon as I began seeing other people, so he would understand exactly what our "friendship" entailed. You should be treated as well as you would treat others. Don't expect less. Thanks Stray. Absolutely if the boot was on the other foot I would have told him first if I was seeing someone else. We had even discussed how our 'friendship' would be awkward for future partners and I had said tell me when you meet someone and I'll back off. Thanks for your support, I'd even typed in an email to him apologising after this thread. Wish I hadn't started it
Author Lucy2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 lucy... just walk away... you have to right to be upset... my ex told me lies that she had no intentions on dating anyone or seeing anyone after she broke up with me and wanted to be friends. Do you know why she wanted to be friends with me, so she wouldn't feel bad about breaking up with me and to boost her ego. I've broken up with people before and have only allowed one of them to be friends with me. And that was the biggest mistake of my life because I used and abused her for my own needs Thanks wilson. He told me he had no intention of dating again, but I appreciate people change their minds when they meet someone. Best of it is, if he'd told me I would have been happy for him. Since we split, he's done all the texting and suggesting going out, not me. I backed off after Jan. Maybe I will email and apologise.
geegirl Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 And if you are over sensitive, it's a clear indication that you should not be having a friendship with your ex. An ex, is an ex. He is under no obligation to tell you what goes on in his life anymore than he is obligated to tell anyone in his family or his friends. Just because you are an ex that wants to be friends, does not give you special privileges. You are a friend, like any other friend. . You can't place expectations as to how he will have to deal with you versus his other friends. You're broken up and you've defined yourself as a friend. If you choose be friends, prepare and accept that you will treated like any other friend. If he wants to treat you any differently, then it is his call. You can have your own way of dealing with things with your ex but you cannot place any expectations on how someone else needs to handle their behaviors based on your expectations of what the friendship means to you. This is why you cannot be friends with someone right after a break up.
radiodarcy Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 i understand your frustration. after we agreed we to be friends - - the ex was all over the place. one minute he would tell me about girls he was dating, the next he would say nothing -- which only left me wondering if he was. it was an intolerable situation because i still loved him; i was either agonizing about the girl he told me he was seeing or wondering who he was seeing. it finally got to be too much; i told him i couldn't handle be friends with him and went NC. it was the best thing i could have done for myself. we just weren't on the same page. he thought being friends meant he could tell me about other women; whereas i all along was hoping for more - - namely that that woman would be me -- on of these days. that's when i realized it really isn't possible to be friends with an ex - - at least not for me.
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Thanks wilson. He told me he had no intention of dating again, but I appreciate people change their minds when they meet someone. Best of it is, if he'd told me I would have been happy for him. Since we split, he's done all the texting and suggesting going out, not me. I backed off after Jan. Maybe I will email and apologise. DONT APOLOGIZE just go No Contact from this point on. You said what you needed to say. I mean hard core no contact because you are still mentally attached to this guy I promise you, you will feel worse and question yourself if you apologize. I took back calling my ex a bitch for what she did to me, guess what I regret the most... taking back me calling her a bitch
Author Lucy2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Thanks. Yes I agree you can't be friends with an ex until a period of time has passed. And yes in the early days I hoped he'd take me back, I haven't felt like that for a while though. Suppose I expected special treatment after all we've been through together (including cancer) and to be treated like I would treat others.
vsmini Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I agree with everything that WilsonX has had to say. If you guys were really "just friends" you wouldn't be this hurt on such an emotional level. Clearly you had a lot of emotional investment in it. Do you have a right to be hurt? I guess so - I can't say for sure. But you did put yourself in this situation and now you know why they say it's not a good idea to stay friends with an ex.
geegirl Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 And if someone breaks up with you and tells you that they won't be dating anyone else, don't ever believe that. It's normal progression after a break up to move on, date, be attracted to others, etc. Especially the dumper as his emotionally detached from you and will move on. It's most likely that they tell you that to keep you hanging. It's most likely that you think it's hope. Then when they actually move on, you're wondering...but but he said he wasn't going to date and I thought we had a chance. You're the only one accountable for agreeing to let someone define such terms and going along with it. Don't ever let anyone break up with you and then give you mumbo jumbo about not wanting to date. Treat it as a break up, realize you cannot be friends, move on and try to heal. Anything other is just going to hurt you.
stray Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Please do not apologize to him. You need to know where your boundaries are, and stick with them. Maybe some people can have liberal friendships with their exs, but the fact is you have higher expectation of your "friends" than that. If you did so much for your ex, the least he could do is let you know, give you the courtesy of telling you, that he was seeing someone else. If he were a real "friend", considering your guy's recent circumstances, he should have done that. You did not expect too much. You just expected that of someone who couldn't deliver it. He's not the "friend" you thought he was. The level of respect was not mutual. You need to set a boundary of what you expect from your friends. No apologies.
geegirl Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Don't email or apologize. Just let it go. You've given him his belongings. He has too. He's moved on and you must too. If you email and he doesn't respond, you will feel worse. If he responds with something cruel, you will feel worse. If he responds with a nice word of acceptance and take care, you'll feel worse. If he responds and plays with your emotions again, you will again put yourself in a situation that will hurt you. Try to stay NC.
stray Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Lucy, remember this. Do you know why some people cry when someone proposes to them? It's because they can't believe the wait for a decent, loving, mutually respectful human being is over. They are so utterly grateful that someone FINALLY truly loves them and is grateful for having them. You can only experience this gratitude if you've gone through hell and back, if you've had your heart ripped to pieces, been disappointed on levels you didn't even think were possible, and almost given up hope on ever finding love. But you WILL find it, and when it happens, you will cry and you will be grateful. And it will be the best feeling in the world. Just know in your heart that every second that passes is a second you get closer to that day.
california15 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Stray said it nicely although it doesn't explain why I cry when I see other proposals... haha guess its because I know true love is out there and that will be me one day, crying and blubbering and sticking my left hand out keep NC
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