betterdeal Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I did a beginners' rowing course earlier this year. There was a woman there who (although we didn't speak directly) I felt the shakes coming on when around her once. I feel quite nervous right now recalling it. Others, who knew her, described her as "mad as a box of frogs". Good looking, quixotic, forthright - the type of woman I have been attracted to in the past. Briefly, last year I left a very difficult relationship and have spent the past year or so dealing with substance abuse, physical injuries, mental health issues and reshaping my relationships with family and friends. I'm interested in your interpretation of my response to this woman. There have been other women I've flirted with / got off with in this time period - none of which I have reacted to like this. I think it's a fear response; my subconscious saying "keep well away". I am very vigilant these days, and avoiding another difficult relationship is a good thing in my book. But it feels like an overreaction, and it's a bit annoying to be afraid of someone much smaller than me with whom I haven't even spoken. Any tips on how to move on from a weak position of fear to a stronger position? Thanks.
Author betterdeal Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Thanks, Lawmaker. It was your thread that prompted the recall, so thanks again. I know how to and have seduced women. I don't mean that in a sinister way. You turn up, you be yourself, you show interest. I'm more concerned to not become her cuckold or emotional punchbag, as I have in the past with similar women. I guess being emotionally fragile at the time, my old self would have rolled over and played dead to get to know her. That tends to lead to me playing that role out for too long, missing the moment, having her offload on me, not much fun. Women in that phase can be hard work. A lot of fun, but hard work. In fact, I tried to avoid becoming that for the woman in last year's difficult relationship, but failed. Too sentimental at times, and not protecting my own peace and quiet. I guess not to get too emotionally embroiled with anyone early on is a wise idea.
loveshymanc Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 To be honest I have similar problems - I have been reading a lot on loveshyness at the moment, as I try and overcome my fear of speaking to a girl that I really want to be with
Author betterdeal Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Best of luck dealing with that. I was a right womaniser. Well, I was friendly, and that was judged by others to mean I was a womaniser. Now I recoil at certain women. Like this one. But I think it's as I said - I know how much work it can be to get involved with someone whose in that phase of life, and I'd rather avoid all that right now and, often, the sex with them is a bit of a let down, tbh.
spiderowl Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Yous sort of seem to be saying she's reminiscent of women you've had troubled relationships with and you fear getting involved with such a woman again. However, you are attracted to her too. It's no wonder really that you are feeling this shaking which is perhaps your body warning you off. On the other hand, as you've just come out of a bad relationship, maybe you are not ready to leap into another one yet and need to take things very slowly and in a more relaxed way.
Author betterdeal Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 That, spiderowl, rings true. You're right! I think that earlier this year I was also still looking to replace a previous love (someone I loved before the most recent one), but the experience with the most most recent one left me very fearful. I had jumped into that relationship, had presumed a lot about her (and myself) and things ended horribly (both feeling suicidal, I attempted suicide & spent 3 weeks on a mental health ward). It's taken me a year to get to where I am now, which is a much better social, familial, mental, emotional, physical state. Financial isn't great, but I'm working on that too, now. A lover is an addition to not a replacement for a life. Just like they say in yoga, think in years, not months.
SJC2008 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I get nervous around women I'm attracted too. I work in retail so I deal with many men and women. I am generally great at conversation and small talk. But throw a pretty female around my age in the mix and I have no idea what to say. Last week I flirted with an older women and had a pretty good convo and she asked me out. I was not nervous at all because the pressure was not on and I was not serious anyway because she is 42 and I'm 29. But a few weeks ago, I was helping an attractive female around my age put some wipers on in the parking lot and I asked her what kind of watch she had and then complimented it and she gave me a great smile with eye contact which may or may not have been a green light to ask for a # but then I was like "well have a good one" lol!
Author betterdeal Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 Don't knock the older women! In Italy, they're known as "learning ships". I was 28 when I had the greatest blowjobs from a 43 year old. Why not, next time, something like that happens, tell her what a great smile she has? Compliments are for free.
PelicanPete Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I can relate. Some women I've come across that are independent, confident, and of course extremely attractive I find intimidating. I believe it's because I've felt like a work in progress my whole life, I've always left who I want to be open ended therefore it always feels like I'm in a transition. I've yet to put an end result of who I want to be, so when I come across a beautiful woman that seems like they 100% comfortable with who they are, I start to feel inferior to them because they seem further ahead then myself. With my last relationship I had a bit of a savior complex, and I am naturally attracted to people that I feel are weaker then me because helping them makes me happy and feel better about myself. However I know I never want to become romantically involved with a woman significantly weaker then me because my personal growth becomes stunted. In order for me to date a strong independent and confident woman I need to set more of a result and become satisfied with who I want to be, so that I am not constantly intimidated and feeling inferior to her which would inevitably cause the relationship to fail. So in other words I've come to the conclusion I'm gonna hold off on dating for a year or two . If you can relate, perhaps it would be best if you did the same.
Author betterdeal Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Thanks for that, Pete. I don't know about saviour complexes; I've come around to the idea that, actually, lending a hand and being helpful is quite a natural part of human nature. It can go too far, such as when it costs more than one can afford. I certainly got as much help from my ex as I gave her. But I agree with the broad stroke of your post, in that I want to take it easy in the next relationship I have. There were too many dramas and competing with each other's ghosts in that last one. And, at the end of the day, it was only one aspect of my life. The best relationships I have had have been with fit women who I have been friends with for a decent period of time and gotten to know each other. When you know each other well, getting it on can be a natural progression. It can be a one off thing, or it can become something more. It's more organic (which is something I said I wanted to my last girlfriend, without knowing what I mean by that) and gives room for all the other things that matter in life, such as home, work, hobbies, mind, body and soul. I guess what I'm saying is, you're right in taking it easy and enjoying / improving what I do have, and whilst I maybe had a sexual, carnal thing for this rowing girl, I was wisely telling myself to back off. Getting involved with another party girl would be a step backwards.
loveshymanc Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I get nervous around women I'm attracted too. I work in retail so I deal with many men and women. I am generally great at conversation and small talk. But throw a pretty female around my age in the mix and I have no idea what to say.l! Sounds oh so familiar. In the past I have even avoided nights out where someone I like is attending, and once even waited for another lift to avoid someone I liked
Author betterdeal Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Mate, they like you, you like them ... take a deep breath and don't worry about being worried. What's the worst that can happen?
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