Desensitized Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) As some of you may know, I was the dumper in my relationship. We broke up for various reasons: she was mentally unstable, different morals, and ultimately just incompatible - but like they say, opposites attract. Anyways, for the past week and a half or so, I've been wanting to text her just saying "hi" or something along the lines of "Hey, _____, I hope you're having a great Summer. I hope all is well with you, and I hope your family is doing great too." The day before I came home for Summer vacation, I wrote on a piece of paper that I would use this Summer to get over her 100% and to not break NC, as much as I may want to. I'm just having a really hard time right now, and I don't know why. Every night, it's all I can think about. Contacting her. I've been looking at her Facebook via my friend's Facebook account because I have her blocked on mine, and she looks like she's doing better, but she looks like she's hanging out with losers that all they do is drugs, party, or really have no aspirations in life. They're also guys that I know want to get into her pants. She has Borderline Personality Disorder, so I know she's more prone to doing impulsive things such as sex, but I keep finding myself wanting to protect her from these kinds of people... but I know I can't. As much as I want to, and as much as I want to protect her, I just can't. All I've been doing these past 7 weeks is focusing on bettering myself, and I have shown great results, but I feel like I'm bettering myself for the wrong reasons. Not because I want to do it for myself, but because I want revenge on her. I want to make her see how well I am doing and what great of shape I am in - is this right? I know it isn't, and I feel that unless I don't change something, I will be bettering myself for the wrong reasons. I need to learn to forgive and forget, but it's so hard. I tell myself that I forgive her, but something is holding me back. I've been reading a lot lately, and I've read that the mind cannot be ill; therefore, she cannot have a "mental illness." Unless, there's something physically wrong with her brain, only then can the brain have illness. So it's like this, part of me believes that this whole mental "illness" is just a hoax, and she chooses to express all these BPD traits because that's the way she likes to live. I'm honestly confused as to whether to accept BPD as a real "mental illness" or not. In philosophy, mental illnesses are a joke, since the mind cannot be ill. Forgive me if I'm ranting, it's late, and I wanted to get this off my chest. It seems that I can't forgive her because that's the way she chooses to be (i think), I guess I'll never really know. Sociopaths and BPDers tend to be alike, and if they can identify all the things that are wrong with themselves, why not make an effort to fix it? They don't, and all counselors do is attach a label to them so they believe that something is wrong with them. Prescribe them medicine for their "mental illnesses" that don't even exist. All this does is justify their behavior. They can get away with so many things because they "can't" control themselves. It just makes me think whether all the feelings my ex-fiancee expressed were even real or not. Sociopaths are incapable of feeling true emotions (so i've researched). But anyway, I would like some insight. I've been really confused, but overall, I'm searching for answers that I will probably never have the answer to. I should just forgive and forget about her, but it's so hard. I still haven't broken NC and it's been almost 8 weeks, but it seems like it's getting harder but easier as paradoxical as that sounds. Again, sorry for the late rant. Edited June 29, 2011 by Desensitized
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 if you are the dumper, leave her alone. You're going to either set her back or really piss her off. You ended the relationship/friendship now you have to move on. If you want to try and reconcile the relationship thats the only time you should ever contact her.
Author Desensitized Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 if you are the dumper, leave her alone. You're going to either set her back or really piss her off. You ended the relationship/friendship now you have to move on. If you want to try and reconcile the relationship thats the only time you should ever contact her. I have been leaving her alone, and I wasn't planning on breaking NC as tempting as it's been. We're still friends, we just haven't spoken to each other in a while. I don't consider our friendship over, but I know it's going to take a really long time until we can both be friends without feeling something for the other person. I just don't want her going down the wrong path is all...
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) I have been leaving her alone, and I wasn't planning on breaking NC as tempting as it's been. We're still friends, we just haven't spoken to each other in a while. I don't consider our friendship over, but I know it's going to take a really long time until we can both be friends without feeling something for the other person. I just don't want her going down the wrong path is all... just to let you know in the eyes of a dumpee, when you end a relationship, the friendship does not exist anymore. its over. the only person that has the right to say that you are still friends is the dumpee. If she is in full NC with you, then shes not your friend. My ex has this same delusion that we are still friends but its not true, there's no friendship there leave her alone, trust that she will be fine without your support and move forward with your own life as you chose to do so already Edited June 29, 2011 by wilsonx
Author Desensitized Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 just to let you know in the eyes of a dumpee, when you end a relationship, the friendship does not exist anymore. its over. the only person that has the right to say that you are still friends is the dumpee. If she is in full NC with you, then shes not your friend. My ex has this same delusion that we are still friends but its not true, there's no friendship there Well, she called me two weeks ago, so she hasn't been in complete NC. I, however, did not answer her call. I am sorry that your girlfriend broke up with you, and I'm sure she had her reasons for doing so, but please, it's never easy breaking up with someone. Regardless of if they're the dumper or not, and they actually don't want to break up with you, but you know you have to (which is what happened in my case). Last time I saw her which was about 8 weeks ago, she asked me if we could still be friends. I told her that I didn't know at the time because I didn't want things to be more difficult for the both of us. So, I don't know, I guess the door for friendship is there, I just haven't opened it.
Author Desensitized Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 leave her alone, trust that she will be fine without your support and move forward with your own life as you chose to do so already That's the only choice I have, unfortunately. I hope she takes care of herself, and I really hope she's moving in the right direction.
WTRanger Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 If you are looking at her Facebook page, then you are not in NC. And, Jesus, you do it through a friends page? How pathetic/sad is that? If you block her on your page, that's so you don't look at her page. That doesn't mean log on through a friends page and stalk her like a creep. That's what you consider a "great" result from moving on? So what's your excuse for not being able to control yourself from looking at her page? While you are hoping she moves in the right direction, you are moving in the wrong direction. How about you focus on your life, and stop stalking her Facebook page.
Author Desensitized Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 If you are looking at her Facebook page, then you are not in NC. And, Jesus, you do it through a friends page? How pathetic/sad is that? If you block her on your page, that's so you don't look at her page. That doesn't mean log on through a friends page and stalk her like a creep. That's what you consider a "great" result from moving on? So what's your excuse for not being able to control yourself from looking at her page? While you are hoping she moves in the right direction, you are moving in the wrong direction. How about you focus on your life, and stop stalking her Facebook page. I have no excuse for not being able to control myself. Funny thing is, I'm very disciplined in every other aspect in life, but this, it's like I have no control - it sucks!
Sugarkane Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 If you wanted the breakup, why are you even looking at her facebook page?
delux Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 maybe because breaking up involves emotions and decisions which are hard to deal with and everyone has some doubts and regrets, don't you think? a lot of people here hope that their exs would want them back, why do you ask such question in this forum, I don't get it!
Recommended Posts