Is this just a phase?

[monik]

My husband and I have been married for close to 8 years with two children, 6 and 3. My husband have always been the father-figure to his family since he was in his teen so he always had a lot of stress. He missed opportunities because he had to be there for his family. Throughout our relationship, he had voiced how he wants to do certain things, but was restricted with all his responsibilities.

 

When our first child was born, he quit his job to try a hand of entreprenuering. He did okay at first as it was during the great economic times. We eventually decided to try a hand with the real estate market so we used our savings to try it. We were really unlucky that it was when the real estate market crash, so instead of putting us in a better financial situation. We ended up being in debt and barely making it. Since then, our relationship had gone downhill.

 

When I ask how things are doing, he would avoid me. He started to hang out with his friends all the time and rarely spend time with me or the kids. I know the reason he was avoiding me was because he felt ashame that he put us in the financial situation, so when he doesn't want to talk, I would give him his space because I didn't want to add extra stress by forcing him to face me.

 

Last month, I couldn't stand our relationship being the way it is so I confronted him. He said now that his youngest sister is all grown up, he feels like he could try to do things that he had always wanted to do. He feels like this big baggage is lifted off him, so he wants to leave me and our kids to try to venture out. I reminded him that even though his family is grown, our children is not. He said this is why he is struggling because he feels like I could handle the kids without him. I asked him if he loves me and he said things have changed between us. He finally admit to meeting someone several months ago and felt this great connection between the two of them. He said he could talk to her about anything and they just clicked. He claims he haven't started anything with her, and that he just click with her on an emotional level. I obviously am shocked to hear this as I never thought my husband would cheat on me, mentally or physically!!!

 

We've been having serious talks lately, and back then he always just thought that we no longer have a connection because we didn't love each other. I think he finally realize that our lack of communication was because his ego is hurt when he put us in our bad financial situation, and he can't bare to talk or face me. I also told him that I always wanted to reach out to him about it, but I didn't because I didn't want to give him stress. He was all choked up when we had our talk that I thought we would be able to reconcile. However, he said he will still try to pursue this other woman.

 

I am still confused because I feel like he is feeling so much for her right now because he had been bottled up with all these emotional and financial stress for years and had no one to talk to. He couldn't talk to his guy friends because he couldn't admit failure to them. He couldn't talk to the girl friends because they are mutal friends to both of us. He couldn't talk to me because he couldn't face me. Then when he met this other woman, he was able to express freely, so he's like an uncorked champagne with his emotion running wild because he finally have an emotional outlet, so he feels all these emotions towards her.

 

We were going to continue living together until some of our stuff settles down. He wants to move out of state and we sorta talked about it before I found out about the other woman. I just asked him to move out because when he's not home, I kept thinking he is out with the other woman, so he moved back to his mom's house last weekend.

 

I love my husband and I think he still loves me too. He tells me he still cares for me and that he still loves me too, but he just currently feel such strong emotion for the other woman that he have to pursue her. I just wonder...is this just mid-life crisis that he is dealing with? Am I trying to make myself feel better thinking his infatuation for her is fake? Do you think this is just a phase he's going through?

Edited June 29, 2011 by monik

[PegNosePete]

He is having an emotional affair. It could well be a physical affair too for all you know, especially since he has moved out and no doubt has a lot more opportunity. If you let him carry on with this while you just sit at home waiting for him to come back, then he will never stop.

 

Here is what I would do. Tell him the things below. If he does not agree then file for divorce immediately.

 

1) If he wants to save the marriage then he will get his a$$ back right now and he will commit 100% to his family (ie. you and the kids). He will do whatever it takes to save his marriage.

2) He will be 100% honest with you. He will answer any question you have honestly and without delay, objection or omission.

3) He will NEVER contact the other woman again. He will call her up right now while you are listening and tell her it is over and not to contact him again. And then they will never speak, text, email or otherwise communicate ever again. Any breach of this rule is a deal-breaker.

4) You will have complete transparency from him, you will see all communication he makes such as emails, texts, phone bills etc. He will give you all passwords to facebook, email, whatever. Everything.

5) You will go into marriage counselling.

 

If he does not agree to all of this then file for divorce. That may kick him back to reality. If he then changes his mind and accepts the rules then you can always cancel the divorce proceedings. But he is currently living in a dream world and you need to make it come crashing down. If he persists in living in his fantasy world with the other woman then you need to be ready to go through with the divorce.

[ensima]

This sounds exactly like my situation. Unfortunately my STBXH abandoned us and moved out. And a few days later he filed for divorce. I don't think he is living in reality anymore, he has completely checked out of our relationship and is no longer willing to see any hope for reconiliation.

 

Please update us on your situation.

[monik]

Ensima, I just read your post that you found out your husband is having an affair and living with her. It just hurts so much to find out they have feelings for another person other than you. My husband moved back in with his mom, and I am pretty sure he is actually there because his mom watches our youngest child, and I see his car park in the driveway in the morning when I drop my daughter off. I tell you...if/when the day comes and his car is not there, I will probably need to take the day off from work and CRY and CRY and CRY!

 

We talked about rather we should file for legal separation right now, but we both feel that we could probably wait on it as he is so confused with his feelings right now.

 

We have seen each other three times this week, but we were both distant with each other. It is so hard to just be cordial to each other as I truly love him. Like you, I tell myself I should be mad at him or hate him for wanting to leave me and the kids, but at the same time, I feel like I have to be honest to myself. I love him, and do not know how to hate him. I know I shouldn't love him for being so selfish and cruel to me, but I can't, at least not at this moment.

 

I also keep a journal and like you, I feel like I am bi-polar because I would appear strong one hour and just a train wreck the next! This is so tough.

 

I will definitely post any new updates.

[ensima]

I understand the emotional confusion you are dealing with. This is the most difficult time I have had in my life. I don't know how I get through the days sometimes but thankful that I do! Please feel free to message me anytime. Our situation is very similar in that we met our husbands very young and have had kids and financial stressors.

 

How are you coping everyday?

[LifesontheUp]

We talked about rather we should file for legal separation right now, but we both feel that we could probably wait on it as he is so confused with his feelings right now.

 

We have seen each other three times this week, but we were both distant with each other. It is so hard to just be cordial to each other as I truly love him. Like you, I tell myself I should be mad at him or hate him for wanting to leave me and the kids, but at the same time, I feel like I have to be honest to myself. I love him, and do not know how to hate him. I know I shouldn't love him for being so selfish and cruel to me, but I can't, at least not at this moment.

 

Sorry this is happening monik. But how long are you going to put up with this? By this, I mean your husband being involved with an OW and keeping his wife hanging whilst he decides what he wants

 

What about what you want? Why should you be 2nd class here?

[monik]

I really don't know how I am coping each day. My co-workers have been wonderful. They have been reaching out to me and letting me know that they care and love me. My husband's sister will be over soon to have dinner with me. My friends are all trying to do this get-together to make sure I don't feel lonely. I feel like I am getting a lot of support and love from all of this. But the sad thing I the only love and support I want is from my husband.

 

My employer offers three free counseling, so I just called to set up my first meeting. I really need a professional unbiased person to hear me out and maybe help me get through this.

 

I feel so scared about everything each day. I fear about that my husband will be completely gone. I am scared of him coming back. I am even scared of thinking what will happen to "US" if I am able to move on without him!!! I hate feeling so insecure about everything. I have always been a laid-back, happy and optimistic person, this insecurity is driving me crazy!

 

As far as why do I allow him to treat me like second class and wait for him to decide about the OW. I am not waiting for my husband to decide about the OW. He is confused about a lot of things at this moment. He's been confused about his career path, his goals and wants. He needs to know why he is unhappy (or maybe depressed) and what he really want to do with his life. When I start my counseling, I will ask if he will want to do some counselling too, not necessarily marriage counseling, but just counseling to help sort out his stress. Regardless if my relationship work out with him or not, he will always be the father of my children and I will always love him. I need him to be happy so he could be a good father to his children, even if he won't be there everyday of their lives.

[ensima]

Hi Monik,

 

Minute to minute is how I've been managing. I STRONGLY encourage counseling for yourself. I have been going once a week since this all started for me. It definitely helps and gives an unbiased outlet. It also helps because you learn that all these emotions that you experience is all part of the grieving and healing process of being emotionally and physically abandoned by your partner. It is like a death.

 

Our marital issues started off as financial like yours, and then I think the shame and depression that my STBXH felt after not being able to provide for his family (he lost his job and also his identity) really caused a rift in our relationship 2-3 years ago because he stopped communicating with me. I no longer knew how to respond to him, I thought he needed space, so my communications also dropped off. And hence, he found somebody else to communicate with in this OW.

 

BUT rest assured, that it is not your fault in anyway that he chose to seek this comfort in another person. He is wrong for that. If there was a problem, they should have come to us and EXPLICITLY told us the cause for their distress so we could have mobilized to resolve those issues. Instead, they chose to run away from the stresses of marriage, kids, and finances of the home. This is COWARDLY. It is easier to give advice than to take it...because although logically, I know we should not blame ourselves, but our brain will keep on resorting to try to find reasons for what WE could have done to prevent this....when unfortunately, there is nothing we could have done. It was always their choice to between right (working their ass off to fight for and heal the marriage) and wrong (to run away from problems, and find a feel-good fix to "make them happy" with an OW).

 

 

Hang in there, and please keep posting. It's therapy for you and you have folks on here that understand completely and are on the same painful journey.

 

In the meanwhile, force a mini-smile on your face and be thankful for one thing today

[monik]

ensima,

 

Our situation is really exactly the same. Husband's ego is bruised after not being able to provide financially, so he was ashamed to face me. I didn't want to give him added stress by making him talk to me, so communications stopped from both parties. It just still hurts me to think the reason we stopped communicating is due to us caring for each other in the first place.

 

He came by the house when I was at work yesterday and he stocked our fridge. It made me feel like he was still at home, so I texted him to let him know I missed him. He didn't reply. I later saw him when I picked up the kids at his mom's place, and he told me he got my text. I asked if he missed me, and he said a little...but I feel like the answer was completely forced. I hate when I look so weak in front of him because I don't want to, but I really do miss him...a whole lot!!!! I then told him I am going to see a therapist to help me resolve my feelings, and he looked pissed off when I said that. I didn't even suggest for him to go...I just said I was going! I quickly left after seeing him getting mad at me for NOTHING I did wrong.

 

We are going to watch the fireworks together on Monday, and I am so afraid this will be our last family activity.

 

Thank you for chatting back and forth with me. It really help me when I am home alone with the kids and have no one to talk to! I wish you well too, and please keep me updated with things. I tried to personal message you, but I didn't know how, so maybe you could try to PM me too.

[ensima]

Hi monik,

 

I'm new to these forums so I guess we are restricted to just posting for now...no PM capabilities yet. I don't know when they kick in...

 

Yes we really are in verrrryy similar situations. I think your husband has probably been emotionally disconnected from you for a long time now. And he's probably emotionally invested in the OW already...he just doesn't want to admit it to you. That is what my experience is. I am now piecing everything together because hindsight is 20/20, and I have been lied to and deceived for a very long time by someone that I never thought would hurt me like this. I am also disgusted at how he has easily lied directly to me over and over again about EVERYTHING.... I feel like I should have kicked his ass to the curb a long time ago now that I think about how much deception has gone on under my nose. But at the time, I never thought he could do these things so those little digs at my intuition I just ignored when they should have been giant red flags for me.

 

Now I am so distraught that his actions has affected our entire family unit as well as extended family on my side. Everyone is heartbroken and feels betrayed. And now because of his selfish actions our children (at the innocent ages of 14, 4, 2) will have to be shared the rest of their lives. I have never dreamed this for my family and am raging inside that his irresponsibility and lack of self control/weakness in character has caused just major changes in all of our lives...and his only excuse is because he "wants to be happy..." The audacity of this *******.

 

Sorry for the vent on my part but I needed to let it out.

[monik]

We spent 4th of July together, and our original plan was that he will spend the night because he had to take our daughter for a doctor's appointment the next day. When he dropped us off after the firework show, he said he will just come pick our daughter up in the morning. I was really disappointed that he didn't spend the night.

 

It's been a real big struggle because I love him so much and do not want to give up on our relationship. We haven't really talked about our relationship since 10 days ago, the day he moved out of our house. I know he doesn't want to talk, and just want things to somehow settle. I feel like if I don't try, then our relationship will just dissipate into thin air. I didn't want to annoy him by forcing him to talk, so I wrote him a long email expressing how I feel. I sent it last night, and if he didn't read it last night, I know he haven't had time to check it yet today.

 

I think this will be my last attempt at reconciling with him. Even if it's the toughest thing I have to do, I am going to move on and stop convincing him (or myself) that we belong together. I am really heartbroken about this, but I feel like I need to stop lying to myself that we have a chance to get back together.

 

I went to a therapist on Tuesday. I am not sure if she was very helpful. She asked me why I was there to see her, so I told her my situation. With just five minutes left from our session, she said I need to focus on how I feel and be prepared to share my feelings with her. Really? She asked me about this with five minutes remaining? Anyway, we get three free session provided by my employer, so I am going to see her two more times and see what happens.

[coolheadal]

I've read everything so far. Best you think about yourself and stop contacting him for now. Let him contact you for a change. But the ball in his court as they said. Don't beg or plead with him. Not going to work. I've tried this myself prior to learning the truth of my wife other activities. She's changed mentally and physically too. We still live in the same house until I can sort things out with travel arrangements. I am almost done, then I can leave for good from her. I won't be living nearby its over 1,400 miles away. I am never coming back here. She's move on to do whatever she wants. It really hurts and I too have the issue of thinking what she does when she goes out on Friday, and Saturday nights. This past 4th of July was the first one after 13 years on my own. I don't want to have to go through that again. But in you know one thing we all are here to help each other cope in these situations now. At lease in you know you have someone on the other side of your screen that cares about you. Always remember this!

 

Take care!

[monik]

It's really OVER between us. Today is my grandmother's funeral so we went to the service together. He acted very distant the entire time, so when he was driving me home. I asked him if he sees an "US" in the future. After a few seconds, he said no. Throughout this two weeks of separation, he had always been unsure of the answer, so this is the first time he actually gave me a SURE ANSWER. Of course, this was not what I wanted to hear, but I guess this is really the end of US.

 

When I was riding in his car today, I lwas looking for my sunglasses in the side compartment of the passenger seat, and it was no longer there. I wonder if he removed it because he doesn't want the OW to see a female sunglasses there. I should have asked him where it was, but I guess there is no point now since he already said we are over.

 

I asked him to meet me for dinner next week. My intent for the meeting is not to beg him to come back to me. I just want us to sort the rest of the things out. Are we filing for legal separation? He said he doesn't want to do it yet two weeks ago, but that was when he was still unsure about us. We need to discuss financial arrangements, his children visitations and all that other things.

 

Since we are separating, I am going to have a no-holds bar and confront him about his unhappiness/depression. He had always been unhappy because of his young adulthood burden with his family, and I feel like he needs to confront it. I want him to be happy, even if this will only benefit the OW now, but he is the father of my children, so I feel that he have to get pass this to truly love and appreciate our children.

 

When we were burying Grandma, I asked Grandma to take my love for him and bury it along with everything. I truly love/loved my husband. I just hope this pain will go away soon.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to hear your news

 

I asked him to meet me for dinner next week.

Don't do this. If it's over then it's over. If there are practicalities to discuss such as finances and child arrangements and you want to do it in person, then make it over coffee. Preferably at a neutral location such as a coffee shop rather than at either of your residences.

 

If the marriage is over then file for divorce. There's no point pussy-footing around it with legal separation documents - just a waste of time and money. If it's over then end it. Why on earth doesn't he want to divorce if he himself says it's over? I would urge you to take control and file yourself. It's NOT a joint decision, if you're splitting up then you have to take control and make your own decisions for YOU. Getting married requires both parties to co-operate and agree... getting divorced does NOT.

 

Since we are separating, I am going to have a no-holds bar and confront him about his unhappiness/depression.

Noooo, don't do this either. You are separating. He no longer has access to the emotional support that you offer. He gave up his access rights to that. You are no longer responsible for his emotional well-being. That is the OW's problem now.