andyg99 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Ok – I need advice on my current situation. Married for 6 years, divorced with 2 kids. Spent the past 12 years raising my two daughters with the ex – she re-married right after the divorce (yes, she was with him while we were together). So she has a son with him, I put the past in the past. Her boy spends much time with me when I have the girls. Ex and I get along just fine. So she breaks up after 12 years of marriage and gets divorced from the current guy, has very little money after losing a business – guess who welcomes her in to his home and provides a roof over her and her son’s head (me if you haven’t guessed). So we are now under the same roof, we are great friends and she tells me she wants to be a family again but needs time to get over the divorce – I agree, give her her space and am patient (yes I fall in love with her again). So I’ll cut to the chase, 18 months go by (18 months of me being patient) and I find out she’s going on dating sites… I pretty much tell her “WTF? What happened to you and me?” Now I’ve seen this movie before so I’m pretty much ready to boot her ass out so here’s the problem… her ex is a deadbeat, doesn’t have a stable home for his son, she has little money and would be in a bind if she left, honestly I could give a **** about her (ok, that’s my tough side talking, I’m pretty hurt by this) but I love the boy, he’s like my own child… so what do I do? Kick them both out? PS – after she moved in we agreed that we both had feelings for each other and if either of us lost those feelings and wanted to see others we wouldn’t waste each others time and she would leave but she’s doing the “sneaky” BS again.
Author andyg99 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 and my first reply here will be in my own thread! I read a great post about not contacting the ex... how do you do it living in the same house?? right now I can't think of a solution.. maybe I'm too hurt/pissed/confused/etc to see the answer... any suggestions or comments would be great... when I went home last night and saw her son relaxing on the couch watching cartoons comfortably in the place that has been his second home for 10 years I can't even think of him leaving...
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 and my first reply here will be in my own thread! I read a great post about not contacting the ex... how do you do it living in the same house?? right now I can't think of a solution.. maybe I'm too hurt/pissed/confused/etc to see the answer... any suggestions or comments would be great... when I went home last night and saw her son relaxing on the couch watching cartoons comfortably in the place that has been his second home for 10 years I can't even think of him leaving... you will want a Limited Contact, No Contact mixture. Limited Contact physically, and No Contact emotionally. basically act like you don't give a rats A$$ about her. You don't have to be mean about it but you need to be emotionally unavailable to her. Obviously, you have to be around her because you live together but that doesn't mean you have to "be there for her". Don't be the shoulder to cry on, Don't try to fix every little issue she shares, But also don't take it out on her kid (which I highly doubt you would do).
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 KICK HER OUT give her 30 days or what ever you have to do... not your fault she doesn't have money. Tell her to go Section 8 it. Dont settle for that bull****. Thats why you never ever take ex's back, they played you once, they think they can play you again Stop being the niceguy, start being the alphamale, her problems are not your problems 1
TheHurtProcess Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Tough decision bud. I agree with wilsonx to an extent. Perhaps I wouldn't be as harsh, but I do agree that you have to stop being the "nice guy" so to speak. Have you ever heard the saying "Nice guys finish last"? It's definitely true. You give her an inch and she takes a mile. If you allow her to keep walking all over you, she's going to continue taking advantage of the situation. She's probably giving you the run around because she's afraid that you might tell her to leave. But at the same time, she should have enough respect for someone that is providing her and her son with shelter to tell you the truth and not BS you into thinking that the two of you actually have a future together. You might want to consider sitting down and having a talk with her, giving her and her son some time to find a place for themselves and then let her know that she's on her own after that time has expired. To be honest, I don't see a future happening between the two of you. Good luck and I hope it works out for you regardless of what happens. 1
Sassygirl2 Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Boy you are in a bind, Andy. You don't want to take it out on the son by asking her to leave but how do you live in the same house as her? How old is this boy? Is he old enough to explain to him that you need to ask her to leave for some "adult" reasons but that he is welcome to stay with you? Or visit often? I don't know all the details so you'll have to explain more. I think that just because she is on a dating site doesn't mean she is out dating. She is looking, yes. But since she has been married twice now, she is probably wanting a bit of freedom. It would be best for her to work on herself before she jumps back in bed with you or anyone. Just my two cents. I've been divorced and have two girls so I know how the "sharing" thing goes. I think its great that you get along with her son and ex. A lot of people would not have been able to be that adult about it. I hope you'll continue to post on here and we can help you through this process. Hang in there!
Author andyg99 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I think that just because she is on a dating site doesn't mean she is out dating. She is looking, yes. But since she has been married twice now, she is probably wanting a bit of freedom. It would be best for her to work on herself before she jumps back in bed with you or anyone. ! I understand the freedom part, I even said before she moved in that I had feelings for her and if her intentions were to start dating she shouldn't move in or if after she moved in and she wanted to see other guys to not waste my time and just move out... I pretty much touchd a hot stove once and said many years later "hey, I wonder what will happen if I touch this hot stove?" 1
radiodarcy Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 ugh! you are in a bind! to echo SassyGirl's suggestion -- is there any way her son can stay with you? i'm guessing he's around 10 or 11 so he should be old enough to understand is you explain it to him. at any rate, i would ask her to leave and be very clear about why that needs to happen. there is section 8 housing. or perhaps she can stay with a friend or family member?
Author andyg99 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) ugh! you are in a bind! to echo SassyGirl's suggestion -- is there any way her son can stay with you? i'm guessing he's around 10 or 11 so he should be old enough to understand is you explain it to him. at any rate, i would ask her to leave and be very clear about why that needs to happen. there is section 8 housing. or perhaps she can stay with a friend or family member? thank you all - I really need the support now... my plan now is to approach this calmly, let her know how much the boy means to me and ask that I can continue to see him or if he can stay... then I'm going to ask her to leave and let her know that I'm sorry it didn't work out but I won't be providing a roof over her head while she looks for the next guy.... Edited June 29, 2011 by andyg99 1
Author andyg99 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 just an observation... I've read through several threads and I hear many times "I want him/her back" maybe what we are really saying is "I want to stop hurting" we do need people to help us with the pain, but not the ones who are causing it.... 1
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 thats a very good observation... i never thought of it like that before
Author andyg99 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 ok - just got off the phone... I told her how I felt about her, how important her son was in my life (at this point she said "is this what you woke me up for?") then I dropped the bomb and said I know you are looking for someone else if you haven't already found someone (I have proof that she has) and said I want her to look for somewhere else to live... at that point she hung up... so I wasn't sure if she heard the part about her moving out so I texted her and said "please find somewhere else to live, I'm tired of being a f#$%n doormat".... my heart is breaking for the boy
Chi townD Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 It isn't your fault that his mother has no moral compass. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and your heart is in the right place. But, in the end. You have to look out for yourself and for what's in your best interests. 1
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 hahahahah i love it when they hang up, my ex did that to me when i was reclaiming my dignity and then she called me back
radiodarcy Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 she was probably upset that you're not willing to wait around for her. be prepared. she will probably try and turn things around on you and make you look like the bad guy - - especially to her son. but again - - it sounds like he is old enough to understand your side of the story and i'm sure you will do everything you can to make him realize this is between him and his mom. at any rate, it sounds like you've had enough of her games. so stay strong. we are all here to support you.
Author andyg99 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 hahahahah i love it when they hang up, my ex did that to me when i was reclaiming my dignity and then she called me back that's one thing I've find out - folks who like to step on other people are very predictable... yup, she called back about 5 minutes later....
Author andyg99 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 she was probably upset that you're not willing to wait around for her. be prepared. she will probably try and turn things around on you and make you look like the bad guy - - especially to her son. but again - - it sounds like he is old enough to understand your side of the story and i'm sure you will do everything you can to make him realize this is between him and his mom. at any rate, it sounds like you've had enough of her games. so stay strong. we are all here to support you. see above post! yeah she was upset and kept saying that 'big deal' she did nothing wrong, she's single and can see whoever she wants... I said, fine, you are 100% right but you know I have feelings for you and you dating while under my roof is just too weird so it's better you just leave... my heart is still breaking though....
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 see above post! yeah she was upset and kept saying that 'big deal' she did nothing wrong, she's single and can see whoever she wants... I said, fine, you are 100% right but you know I have feelings for you and you dating while under my roof is just too weird so it's better you just leave... my heart is still breaking though.... you did the right thing andy... my ex thought she could continue to live here after i caught her with another guy at a bar shes 23 hes 37... she was like well our roommate is moving out and i said hell ****ing no
Author andyg99 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 what a messed up day... I can't stop thinking about it, I have done nothing at work and I'm dreading going home tonight, she basically said she would be out today and I practically begged her to let him stay, I'm not sure where that is going... I feel like I screwed up her boys life, he is so happy at my home.. whre will he be tonight? on a floor with his deadbeat dad??? life just sucks sometimes
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 what a messed up day... I can't stop thinking about it, I have done nothing at work and I'm dreading going home tonight, she basically said she would be out today and I practically begged her to let him stay, I'm not sure where that is going... I feel like I screwed up her boys life, he is so happy at my home.. whre will he be tonight? on a floor with his deadbeat dad??? life just sucks sometimes Andy, im going to tell you this and you arent going to believe me for a while but you did the best thing for you. It doesnt matter about the boy, hes not your problem, dont take it back, the second shes gone you are going to be day 0 of the breakup, you need to lock down no contact and start rebuilding your life. The boy is not your problem, i know you love him like your own but hes no longer your problem, stick to your guns and dont be harsh on yourself, you will start to heal and I promise you you will be the better person in the end. You are a nice guy just like me and women use us all the time to get what they want
wilsonx Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Andy, im going to tell you this and you arent going to believe me for a while but you did the best thing for you. It doesnt matter about the boy, hes not your problem, dont take it back, the second shes gone you are going to be day 0 of the breakup, you need to lock down no contact and start rebuilding your life. The boy is not your problem, i know you love him like your own but hes no longer your problem, stick to your guns and dont be harsh on yourself, you will start to heal and I promise you you will be the better person in the end. You are a nice guy just like me and women use us all the time to get what they want remember everything in the post everyone has said including myself. I said that she hung and and then called back like wtf just happened. I was right. Right now one month into her breaking up with me I feel so good. I hurt yes but I feel so much better because "I Dodged a bullet" by this person being out of my life. It took me 3 weeks to lock down no contact Keep to your guns andy dont relent, your going to rollercoaster over and over and over because you are a nice guy. Use us as your security blanket, none of us are going anywhere for a while
Sassygirl2 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I have to agree with wilson again on this one. The boy is HER son and SHE should be a responsible parent and do what is right for HIM, not her. I'm sorry but she sounds very selfish. You will get through this. The boy will know that you are and were......there for him. Just let him know that you will be there if he needs you. He will understand. Kids are smarter than we think. My 12 year old daughter knew before my ex even broke up with me that it wasn't going to last. I kept trying to make it work and she called it way before I could see it. Let us know how it goes tonight.
Author andyg99 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) I have to agree with wilson again on this one. The boy is HER son and SHE should be a responsible parent and do what is right for HIM, not her. I'm sorry but she sounds very selfish. You will get through this. The boy will know that you are and were......there for him. Just let him know that you will be there if he needs you. He will understand. Kids are smarter than we think. My 12 year old daughter knew before my ex even broke up with me that it wasn't going to last. I kept trying to make it work and she called it way before I could see it. Let us know how it goes tonight. thank you - I had a good cry when I got home and it was empty... my oldest daughter came in later and I told her pretty much what happened (my side - because her mom basically told her I kicked her out because she was just talking to someone on-line) - so the scoop is she is flying out to meet some dude she met on-line this weekend (before things hit the fan her story was she was driving up north to meet a girlfriend)... I stressed to my daughter that she needs to love her mom even more and the only reason I told the whole story was that I wanted her to know why I asked her to leave... I love my little girl!! (little? she's 21 LOL) - she told me she loves us both and hopes we are both happy... anyway I asked if she knew how her little brother is doing (he's at grandmas with the ex) and she said he is confused and crying, now here's the kicker... she told me her mom agreed that the best place for him was with me!!! YES!!!! he is the reason this hurts so much, yes what the ex is doing stings big-time but I know her M.O. - if she has her sights on a guy kids will get in the way... he can stay with me for as long as he wants! I'm sad and hurt but there's hope that she will see whats best for the boy and let him stay with me... PS - there is no way in hell I would ever take her back into my home - making a stand and telling her to leave was the last thing she expected from me.... PPS - guys what the hell is wrong with us for letting ladies like this in our lives when there are so many good ones out there????!!!! PPPS - I could contact the "new guy" but I'll let him find out on his own! PPPPS - I agree with my daughter we both deserve happiness mine will come by knowing I did a very good thing and that I'm a good person... my ex would benefit from being alone for a while (and getting therapy and possibly meds - I'm serious) but it looks like she's repeating the cycle, I hope for his sake this new guy sees her for what she is... Edited June 30, 2011 by andyg99
Author andyg99 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 the "day after" and it ain't too bad... I missed her usual morning drive call to work but I quickly got that thought out of my head when I told myself it probably hasn't even crossed her mind... folks when they have their eyes elsewhere just let them go and move on and go buy a lottery ticket because you have a better chance in winning that than you do in having a good and lasting relationship with someone who thinks you are disposable....
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