whichwayisup Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Do you know who the OM is and is he married? Sorry for your pain. You are NOT to blame for her choice to cheat on you. Sure, you're responsible for some of the problems in your relationship, as is she, but you didn't make her cheat or push her to. She could have spoken to you about feeling neglected, and how unhappy she was starting to feel. She didn't and she handled this badly and selfishly - Hense you getting hurt. I'm not sure how she thought this through, how it was going to help things between you two! She only thought of herself and even now, is only thinking of herself. Not you, not the kids and the effect this is going to have on all of them. She's in a total fog and her reaction to you asking her to be an open book just shows she's no where ready to let go of the OM and how he makes her feel. I doubt very much she's in love with him, he's just provided something that she needs, and she's addicted to that new crush like feeling that happens at the beginning of relationships, even more so when it's an affair. Focus on you and your kids, and hers, make sure they know none of this is their fault. One day she will realize WTF she's done and feel regret, but it'll be too late. Only good thing is, you found out now and not later when married.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I have to break this down somewhat. Originally she wanted to get married on my birthday in Vegas. After a particularly nasty fight I told her I didn't know if I wanted to marry her anymore. I could tell she was heartbroken. So she's actually been plotting revenge on me by screwing some guy on my birthday instead. ouch! As much as you wan't to blame yourself right now... this is all her fault. She just isn't high quality at all. What reason did your family give for not accepting her? You need to repair the relationship with your family first and foremost. The hardest part of all this is that I still l still love her with my whole heart. She was my best friend and lover. My absolute best memories were with her and I absolutely adore her kids and they adore me. She was great with my kids and really did try to smooth things over with my mother despite everything. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. My whole life i realized i bever experienced true love until I found her and now its shattered. We both agree "how did we let it get this far?" I know it hurts now... but you can do a lot better than this woman. She is sneaky, and false. Those great memories you have are probably just her faking it to get money and security.
Author Wildabeest Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 @kidd, Completely right. @whichway is up. I don't know anything about the OM. I just know he is 27. Apparently he isn't from here and lives halfway across the country from us according to the area code. Its a cell phone though so he could live here for all I know. I did call him that night on my phone but he didn't answer. She did tell me he finally texted back wondering if the phone call he had gotten was from me. yes sir. Last night was particularly nice. We cuddled as we slept and it felt so good. This morning I woke up and she was her normal self. I had to go drop the kids off to tutoring and when I got back I picked up some breakfast. She ordinarily works a full time job but in light of the circumstances she is taking this week off. When I returned she was texting on the phone and again I felt like she was distant and cold. I'm sure she had been talking to the OM. After breakfast I took her by the hand and flat out told her that I know what she is going through. She found this OM and the relationship is exciting and new and she has these crazy feelings for him that may or may not be real. On the other hand she has this guilt from cheating on me. I know she still loves me but she has to choose who she wants to be with. No matter what her decision is I will stand behind her. She didn't say anything but held me tight. That right there confirms that the OM is not out of the picture. I left to go to work but I'm just a mess right now. I was driving with tears streaming down my face. I'm just really sad over the realization that this relationship cannot be salvaged. Its over. End of the chapter.
Author Wildabeest Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 @ untouchable_fire: My mom doesn't like her because she is white and has children. She also doesn't want me to raise children that are not my own flesh and blood. I have three children of my own and I would rather date someone that has children. Girls with kids just get it. Our children come first. My mom is adamant that she hooks me up with a Chinese girl of her choosing. ummm hello, I live in the United States. I do not do arranged marriages....
2sunny Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 why would you even think to stand behind her no matter what she says/does? get her out! she's disrespecting you. that is NOT loving behavior. be strong. she cheated probably because she's looking for attention and an ego stroke. she will cheat again. her behavior doesn't prove to you that she's sorry - or trying to repair what she caused - she's just trying to use you for more of the same of what you provide to her - while still going behind your back the whole time. and she has the week off work? tell her to get her self to work! she's going to need the income when you change those locks on her. throw her out today! today! she doesn't love you... she's using you - there - i said it. it's real. now do something to change it!
Woggle Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I know this is going to catch me a lot of flack but maybe her behavior demonstrates why your mother wants to hook you up with a Chinese woman. I don't think it has anything to do with race though. Next time make sure a woman is trustworthy no matter what race she is.
Chi townD Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I know this is going to catch me a lot of flack but maybe her behavior demonstrates why your mother wants to hook you up with a Chinese woman. I don't think it has anything to do with race though. Next time make sure a woman is trustworthy no matter what race she is. Yeah, not fellin ya on that. Chinese women are capable of cheating too. @ OP you really need to start pushing her to find a place and get out. You need to start becoming emotionally distant from HER. Don't deny the kids. None of this was their fault. It wouldn't surprise me if once she realizes how tough it's going to be on her own again that she tries to lull you into believing that she actually wants to work it out. Don't fall for it.
Author Wildabeest Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I had a great conversation with a buddy of mine and he was just flabbergasted on how she could treat me this way. He is of the same opinion as everyone else on this thread. Get out! So my girl has been at home and texting me telling me she feels like complete shyte. She was going hysterical texting me and I wasn't texting back. I finally called her. I reiterated the fact that she is having a hard time choosing between me and the OM. She stated that was not it. There were two sides to me, the affectionate, caring, loving me and the ******* one that would push her away. She wanted the first one and was at wits end what to do about our relationship. I told her that I would have worked harder on us had I known that it had come down to this, however, it really doesn't freakin matter anyhow as soon as she shared a bed with another man. I told her that we are still going with our plan of her moving out. If we decide we want to cross that relationship bridge when we get there then we do. Honestly, when she moves out I will sever all ties and go no contact. It will be a lot easier to do so. She has to decide on whether or not to choose to be with me after she cheated? F**ck no. She doesn't get to choose. I get to choose. I choose me.
Author Wildabeest Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Asian, white, latino, hispanic, black. All women are the same. I love them all. That is my downfall. My ex wife was asian and she cheated on me. When she did the relationship was already on its last legs so it didn't effect me much.
Author Wildabeest Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 The only way she will realize how good she had it is when she is on her own struggling. Let me put it this way, she is going to be moving from an 8200 square foot home to an 800 square foot apartment. I hope the OM can provide for her, she was pretty high maintenance.
John Michael Kane Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I had a great conversation with a buddy of mine and he was just flabbergasted on how she could treat me this way. He is of the same opinion as everyone else on this thread. Get out! So my girl has been at home and texting me telling me she feels like complete shyte. She was going hysterical texting me and I wasn't texting back. I finally called her. I reiterated the fact that she is having a hard time choosing between me and the OM. She stated that was not it. There were two sides to me, the affectionate, caring, loving me and the ******* one that would push her away. She wanted the first one and was at wits end what to do about our relationship. I told her that I would have worked harder on us had I known that it had come down to this, however, it really doesn't freakin matter anyhow as soon as she shared a bed with another man. I told her that we are still going with our plan of her moving out. If we decide we want to cross that relationship bridge when we get there then we do. Honestly, when she moves out I will sever all ties and go no contact. It will be a lot easier to do so. She has to decide on whether or not to choose to be with me after she cheated? F**ck no. She doesn't get to choose. I get to choose. I choose me. Good man. Stick to your values. Lots of men on this forum whine and moan about their cheater for months to years, doing absolutely nothing about their situation.
John Michael Kane Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 The only way she will realize how good she had it is when she is on her own struggling. Let me put it this way, she is going to be moving from an 8200 square foot home to an 800 square foot apartment. I hope the OM can provide for her, she was pretty high maintenance. She'll leave him to find someone with deeper pockets or he'll dump her after he gets tired of boning her, finding another skank to lay his hands on.
Author Wildabeest Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 So she was supposed to take me out tonight for my birthday dinner, she wanted to reschedule because she wants to talk it over with her gay best friend. Really? getting blown off like that. This whole thing finally hit me like a ton of bricks. This is what I told her, " I am so worn out and beaten down. I can't handle this anymore. I give up. If it really is that tough of a decision to be with me than I don't want you to be with me. It should be easy to want to be with me, not hard. I am so hurt right now at what you did. You f78cked another guy on my birthday. Are you serious? I think I have been trying to suppress what you actually did but I can't. That was a horrible horrible thing that you did. I can't ever forgive you for that. Everything just became so clear to me. You gave him words and your body that only I have the right to see. Every time I close my eyes I picture his d7ick in your pu$$y and everything else that you did that night. I hate what you did to me. I hate it, there, its out. You disgust me. I'm done, its over I can't do this anymore. What was left to salvage was lost when you wouldn't hand your phone over to me and prove you weren't talking to the OM anymore. Have a good life with him. I hope he can make you happy."
2sunny Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 She'll leave him to find someone with deeper pockets or he'll dump her after he gets tired of boning her, finding another skank to lay his hands on. i don't see how this demeaning and detrimental comment is helpful. yo need to work on your perspective of a healthy woman... talking trash and making assumptions isn't helping. OP - i'm super glad you see what manipulative and using tactics this gal is capable of... there are many nice and wonderful - non cheating - women around... she isn't showing signs of being one of them. the sooner you get her out - the sooner you can start with some fresh, new, positive energy flowing around you.
2sunny Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 She'll leave him to find someone with deeper pockets or he'll dump her after he gets tired of boning her, finding another skank to lay his hands on. i don't see how this demeaning and detrimental comment is helpful. you need to work on your perspective of a healthy woman... talking trash and making assumptions isn't helping. OP - i'm super glad you see what manipulative and using tactics this gal is capable of... there are many nice and wonderful - non cheating - women around... she isn't showing signs of being one of them. the sooner you get her out - the sooner you can start with some fresh, new, positive energy flowing around you.
manup Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 So she was supposed to take me out tonight for my birthday dinner, she wanted to reschedule because she wants to talk it over with her gay best friend. Really? getting blown off like that. This whole thing finally hit me like a ton of bricks. This is what I told her, " I am so worn out and beaten down. I can't handle this anymore. I give up. If it really is that tough of a decision to be with me than I don't want you to be with me. It should be easy to want to be with me, not hard. I am so hurt right now at what you did. You f78cked another guy on my birthday. Are you serious? I think I have been trying to suppress what you actually did but I can't. That was a horrible horrible thing that you did. I can't ever forgive you for that. Everything just became so clear to me. You gave him words and your body that only I have the right to see. Every time I close my eyes I picture his d7ick in your pu$$y and everything else that you did that night. I hate what you did to me. I hate it, there, its out. You disgust me. I'm done, its over I can't do this anymore. What was left to salvage was lost when you wouldn't hand your phone over to me and prove you weren't talking to the OM anymore. Have a good life with him. I hope he can make you happy." Now actually go NC, carry out what you said and be done with her.
whichwayisup Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I had a great conversation with a buddy of mine and he was just flabbergasted on how she could treat me this way. He is of the same opinion as everyone else on this thread. Get out! So my girl has been at home and texting me telling me she feels like complete shyte. She was going hysterical texting me and I wasn't texting back. I finally called her. I reiterated the fact that she is having a hard time choosing between me and the OM. She stated that was not it. There were two sides to me, the affectionate, caring, loving me and the ******* one that would push her away. She wanted the first one and was at wits end what to do about our relationship. I told her that I would have worked harder on us had I known that it had come down to this, however, it really doesn't freakin matter anyhow as soon as she shared a bed with another man. I told her that we are still going with our plan of her moving out. If we decide we want to cross that relationship bridge when we get there then we do. Honestly, when she moves out I will sever all ties and go no contact. It will be a lot easier to do so. She has to decide on whether or not to choose to be with me after she cheated? F**ck no. She doesn't get to choose. I get to choose. I choose me. Two thumbs up man! She doesn't call the shots or say how this goes. You DO! IF she wants to work things out, then she better woman-up and be a goddamn open book to you! Allow you access to her email, her cell, anything and everything, anytime you feel like. SHE LOST THAT RIGHT AND PRIVACY PRIVILEDGE THE MOMENT SHE CHEATED ON YOU! How dare she dictate how this goes. Recovery is recovery and there are proper ways of working through infidelity! She wants to keep intouch and say the A is over..Sure, maybe the sexual part of it, but it'll just be an EA if she is still talking/texting with the OM. Again, well done and two thumbs up for the way you're handling this and processing it all.
whichwayisup Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 So she was supposed to take me out tonight for my birthday dinner, she wanted to reschedule because she wants to talk it over with her gay best friend. Really? getting blown off like that. This whole thing finally hit me like a ton of bricks. This is what I told her, " I am so worn out and beaten down. I can't handle this anymore. I give up. If it really is that tough of a decision to be with me than I don't want you to be with me. It should be easy to want to be with me, not hard. I am so hurt right now at what you did. You f78cked another guy on my birthday. Are you serious? I think I have been trying to suppress what you actually did but I can't. That was a horrible horrible thing that you did. I can't ever forgive you for that. Everything just became so clear to me. You gave him words and your body that only I have the right to see. Every time I close my eyes I picture his d7ick in your pu$$y and everything else that you did that night. I hate what you did to me. I hate it, there, its out. You disgust me. I'm done, its over I can't do this anymore. What was left to salvage was lost when you wouldn't hand your phone over to me and prove you weren't talking to the OM anymore. Have a good life with him. I hope he can make you happy." I think I threw up a little in my mouth while reading this! That's just disguisting! She's messed up and cruel. There's no excuse for her saying that stuff to you! WTF! Good for you for standing up and saying that, it takes courage and strength, backbone too. I am sorry that she did this to you, you deserve so much better.
Author Wildabeest Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Thank you so much for the comments everyone. Its really opened my eyes to everything going on. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I'll let everyone know how that goes.
Author Wildabeest Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 I feel so much better right now. Its like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. cheers!
John Michael Kane Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I feel so much better right now. Its like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. cheers! Oh don't I know that feeling. What don't kill you makes you stronger.
2sunny Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 did she respond? good for you - standing firm on what little she's doing for repairing the damage she caused. she didn't intend to set things right - she was just hoping she could and would use you for as long as you would let her. i'm glad to see a firm boundary - one that will start the healing for you. when does she leave? today, i hope! btw, change the locks and code to the garage door!
2sunny Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Thank you so much for the comments everyone. Its really opened my eyes to everything going on. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I'll let everyone know how that goes. i think you're doing great! i'd ask the therapist what would make you willing to put up with such piss poor behavior from a gal - and how can you make sure you never do that again?
Author Wildabeest Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 i think you're doing great! i'd ask the therapist what would make you willing to put up with such piss poor behavior from a gal - and how can you make sure you never do that again? I'm not gonna lie...it was the sex. The sex was Amazing! I'm gonna miss the sex...
2sunny Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I'm not gonna lie...it was the sex. The sex was Amazing! I'm gonna miss the sex... i know that feeling... i sold my soul to the devil for good sex= in my 20 year marriage. looking back - though - i'll take intimacy and honest feelings over HOT sex, mainly because i put up with mean and abusive behavior for great sex. i want honesty, openness and a willing man who is kind and loving over what i used to have. the hot sex made me do stupid things i should have never put up with. i have learned much since that time... this way is much better.
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