Shocked and devastated

[Wildabeest]

My fiance and I have been together for about 18 months. In those 18 months we had a fantastic courtship and fell madly in love with each other. I have 3 children from a previous relationship and she has 2. Im in my 30s, shes in her late 20s. I bought a house and moved her in have absolutely spoiled her rotten. Lately things have been tighter due to my business so I haven't been able to splurge like her like I've wanted.

 

For the better part of the last month we were constantly bickering due to general stresses of maintaining a house hold and caring for kids. However, one stress shes always had was that my parents do not accept her or her children. Its so bad that I've basically alienated my family because of that. I also have been cut out of the will but I honestly don't care about that. I work in a family business so my lively hood is controlled by my mother. Ouch, I know, really crappy situation. She feels terrible that by being with me I basically don't have a family anymore. I tell her that its really not her but my mother. I come from an asian background and she is white. If it was just her involved things would be different but her kids deserve to have love from my family too. Or am I asking too much?

 

A week before my birthday, we had plans to celebrate it in Vegas, however after a particularly bad fight she decided that I should go on my own. I did go with a buddy of mine but to say I was heartbroken was an understatement. When I was in Vegas, I did not even get a phone call. I realized that I really missed her and I know that I loved her and vowed to make things right and never take her for granted again. When I got back we sorted a few things out and I left with high hopes. Unfortunately I had to go out of town again for a business trip for a week.

 

The whole week she was vacillating between wanting to be with me and not being with me because of my family. Before I came back, we had discussed some issues and thought we were all good. I was so excited to see her when I got back. Well, it was shattered when she plain gave me a bad vibe and wasn't even excited to see me. This caused a fight and I had to leave to clear the air. I went to a friends house feeling devastated. All this time she called and text me wanting to work things out. I ended up going home and she said what she really wanted to say was that the issue with my parents she doesn't care, she loved me and wanted me and would work things out. I completely melted and we rekindled the passion that night and had sex.

 

The next day, things were pretty much back to normal and she massaged me how much she loved me. etc.

 

That night was the usual, kids, dinner, off to bed. I did notice something unusual, she was holding on to her cell phone and texting like crazy. I had to see what she was up to. As soon as she fell asleep I snuck a peak at her phone. Right there was a text conversation with a guy that lasted all day. In it, she proclaimed her absolute love for him, how she wanted to have his baby, how she wanted to walk down the aisle with him. He said the same thing about how he loved her. Way incriminating was the sexting, how she loved his penis, and his lips, etc and vice versa. I do know they used protection because he said in a text how he cant wait to make love to her without a condom. I was devastated. How can she proclaim her love for me and him at the same time. And from what she says, it was a one night stand that happened on my birthday when I was in Vegas. ON my birthday!

 

I confronted her right then and there and told her to get out, things were over, if she loved him so much than go be with him. She said that she really love me and that he was a complete mistake and it was because of the fragile state she was in she let it go to far, but if I would have her she would spend eternity making it up to me. I actually acquiesced that night because I truly didn't want to lose her. We talked all night and agreed we would work on issues together and never let that happen again. We made love. I was immediately repulsed yet happy that she had chosen me and not that other guy.

 

This morning I felt the same way. I started reading online about the next steps to repairing this relationship, in it was a complete transparency to our communications, I needed to be able to have access to her phone and Facebook and all that so we could rekindle the trust again. She completely balked at that suggestion saying she needed to maintain some sort of privacy. Prior to this we have always been open with our phones. This threw a monkey wrench in everything and I feel that if she was really open to working on our relationship, that needs to happen. She let me know that if it would ease my mind she would move out for awhile and maintain our relationship but create separation so we could work on our issues.

 

I love her so much but I feel that she got her hand caught in the cookie jar and realized how much she would be losing...a home, her car a wonderful life. She works and contributes to our income but pays for her car and 1000 to the house, but I pretty much support us.

 

What should I do? Can she really love me after proclaiming her undying love for the other guy just a few minutes ago. Am I being played like a chump? I feel that if we can get through this we can strengthen our relationship, but I know that every time she picks up that phone I'm gonna wonder who she is talking to.

 

I am in so much pain and heartbroken.

[John Michael Kane]

My fiance and I have been together for about 18 months. In those 18 months we had a fantastic courtship and fell madly in love with each other. I have 3 children from a previous relationship and she has 2. Im in my 30s, shes in her late 20s. I bought a house and moved her in have absolutely spoiled her rotten. Lately things have been tighter due to my business so I haven't been able to splurge like her like I've wanted. And she throws it all away like a piece of paper.

 

For the better part of the last month we were constantly bickering due to general stresses of maintaining a house hold and caring for kids. Damn 5 children? However, one stress shes always had was that my parents do not accept her or her children. Its so bad that I've basically alienated my family because of that. I also have been cut out of the will but I honestly don't care about that. Wow your family is mean, but that's okay I have a "family" who did the same to me. Nothing wrong with being your own man. I work in a family business so my lively hood is controlled by my mother. Ouch, I know, really crappy situation. She feels terrible that by being with me I basically don't have a family anymore. I tell her that its really not her but my mother. I come from an asian background and she is white. If it was just her involved things would be different but her kids deserve to have love from my family too. Or am I asking too much?

 

A week before my birthday, we had plans to celebrate it in Vegas, however after a particularly bad fight she decided that I should go on my own. I did go with a buddy of mine but to say I was heartbroken was an understatement. When I was in Vegas, I did not even get a phone call. I realized that I really missed her and I know that I loved her and vowed to make things right and never take her for granted again. When I got back we sorted a few things out and I left with high hopes. Unfortunately I had to go out of town again for a business trip for a week.

 

The whole week she was vacillating between wanting to be with me and not being with me because of my family. Before I came back, we had discussed some issues and thought we were all good. I was so excited to see her when I got back. Well, it was shattered when she plain gave me a bad vibe and wasn't even excited to see me. This caused a fight and I had to leave to clear the air. I went to a friends house feeling devastated. All this time she called and text me wanting to work things out. I ended up going home and she said what she really wanted to say was that the issue with my parents she doesn't care, she loved me and wanted me and would work things out. I completely melted and we rekindled the passion that night and had sex.

 

The next day, things were pretty much back to normal and she massaged me how much she loved me. etc.

 

That night was the usual, kids, dinner, off to bed. I did notice something unusual, she was holding on to her cell phone and texting like crazy. I had to see what she was up to. As soon as she fell asleep I snuck a peak at her phone. Right there was a text conversation with a guy that lasted all day. In it, she proclaimed her absolute love for him, how she wanted to have his baby, how she wanted to walk down the aisle with him. He said the same thing about how he loved her. Way incriminating was the sexting, how she loved his penis, and his lips, etc and vice versa. I do know they used protection because he said in a text how he cant wait to make love to her without a condom. I was devastated. How can she proclaim her love for me and him at the same time. And from what she says, it was a one night stand that happened on my birthday when I was in Vegas. ON my birthday!

 

^

Wow that's disgusting. Sorry that you had to see it but if you hadn't seen it you probably would've ended up raising another man's kid or even worse, carrying a nasty disease on your genitals.

I confronted her right then and there and told her to get out, things were over, if she loved him so much than go be with him. She said that she really love me and that he was a complete mistake and it was because of the fragile state she was in she let it go to far, but if I would have her she would spend eternity making it up to me. Don't even listen to her lies. She's in damage control mode. A woman would never spend her whole life trying to make up to her man. Talking right out of her arse. I actually acquiesced that night because I truly didn't want to lose her. We talked all night and agreed we would work on issues together and never let that happen again. We made love. I was immediately repulsed yet happy that she had chosen me and not that other guy. You're in shock and that's why you had sex with her. And you're supposed to choose her, not her to you.

 

This morning I felt the same way. I started reading online about the next steps to repairing this relationship, in it was a complete transparency to our communications, I needed to be able to have access to her phone and Facebook and all that so we could rekindle the trust again. She completely balked at that suggestion saying she needed to maintain some sort of privacy. I'm sorry but the fact that she balked at your suggestion shows she's unremorseful, and is still CHEATING on you. She doesn't get to screw you over and put your health at risk, then talk about how she's not going to hand over her phone. You should've thrown her ass out right there and locked the door, never letting her back in. Prior to this we have always been open with our phones. This threw a monkey wrench in everything and I feel that if she was really open to working on our relationship, that needs to happen. She let me know that if it would ease my mind she would move out for awhile and maintain our relationship but create separation so we could work on our issues. Nah she's trying to see if you would let her move out so she can continue getting freaky with her boy toy. You should let her. She's unremorseful for her actions and hasn't cared for the relationship for quite a while now.

 

I love her so much but I feel that she got her hand caught in the cookie jar and realized how much she would be losing...a home, her car a wonderful life. She works and contributes to our income but pays for her car and 1000 to the house, but I pretty much support us. All of that is just material. If she was remorseful, she would stay because she wants to put her relationship with you as her top priority forever. Don't even marry this woman and be glad you found out before you cuffed her.

 

What should I do? Can she really love me after proclaiming her undying love for the other guy just a few minutes ago. Am I being played like a chump? I feel that if we can get through this we can strengthen our relationship, but I know that every time she picks up that phone I'm gonna wonder who she is talking to.

 

I am in so much pain and heartbroken.

 

What do you do? You drop her and let her run back to the other guy she was playing around with, and find another woman who won't cheat on you.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm sorry, man. It's hard to see it now, and it may be some time before you do, but you're lucky: You found out what kind of woman this is before you married her. No legal binds? Kick her out and break it off.

 

Tough deal with her kids; I imagine you had started to get attached to them.

[Bryanp]

From what you have read from her messages she clearly played you for a fool. She wants you to be her safety net. How nice that she screwed this guy on your birthday. How nice that she said that she loved his penis and wanted to have his baby. I doubt that she had protected sex. She put you at risk for STD's and you need to get checked. She had sex with you immediately in case she got pregnant by her lover she could claim it was yours. You are very lucky you did not marry her.

 

By the way I doubt it was only one time. She immediately meets this guy and screws him when you are in Vegas on your birthday. I bet she knew him before. The bottom line is to kick her out and do not look back. Find someone who can respect you because she clearly cannot. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[reservoirdog1]

This morning I felt the same way. I started reading online about the next steps to repairing this relationship, in it was a complete transparency to our communications, I needed to be able to have access to her phone and Facebook and all that so we could rekindle the trust again. She completely balked at that suggestion saying she needed to maintain some sort of privacy. Prior to this we have always been open with our phones. This threw a monkey wrench in everything and I feel that if she was really open to working on our relationship, that needs to happen.

Dude, you have my complete sympathy. What a shytty thing for you to find out.

 

I have my own views on whether or not you should continue in the relationship. You'll get a lot of advice on that in the next while, both on LS and otherwise, and I can't see a point adding my voice to the chorus.

 

However, I quoted the above excerpt because it's critically important. If she's serious about trying to rebuild what she wrecked, full transparency and access to her phone, email, Facebook and web search history (plus ALL passwords) must be an absolutely, completely non-negotiable requirement. If she won't agree, that means she's hiding something she doesn't want you to see. Simple. Remember, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. "Privacy" is a bullshyt plea when it comes from the mouth of a cheater who supposedly wants to reconcile.

[KrissyT]

Of course she claims it was a mistake, afterall, she has no place else to go. She has two kids about time she grew up rather than fantasizing over strange mens penises. Thank god you are not married yet.

[seibert253]

1. She doesn't want to be totally transparent, and doesn't want to give you total access to everything because she still involved in the A, or doesn't want it to end.

2. She wants to move out, seperate, and have "time" to figure things out because , well, see number 1 above. She also wants to give her "fling" more time to see if it's "true love", and keep you around incase it isn't.

 

Not rocket science.

 

IMO she can give you complete access and transparency, or she came move out for good.

[Wildabeest]

Talking with her once again she won't budge on the transparent communication issues citing the fact that she is entitled to her privacy. I told her that I needed a solid foundation of trust if we are able to rebuild our relationship but no go. She will be moving out ASAP. She wants to work on our relationship but thinks we need our space to do so. I agreed. I'm completely numb right now but completely lucid enough to know that this relationship is ruined irreparably. Words are cheap. It's over

[John Michael Kane]

Talking with her once again she won't budge on the transparent communication issues citing the fact that she is entitled to her privacy. I told her that I needed a solid foundation of trust if we are able to rebuild our relationship but no go. She will be moving out ASAP. She wants to work on our relationship but thinks we need our space to do so. I agreed. I'm completely numb right now but completely lucid enough to know that this relationship is ruined irreparably. Words are cheap. It's over

 

Good. And send her kids packing too. You have your own blood to take care of.

[John Michael Kane]

You are in serious pain, but this is a very good thing.

 

You could have married this woman and she may have cheated on you for ten years.

 

The good news is she cannot take you to the cleaners and you can kick her out. Please do not give her a chance she is a cheater and furthermore she thinks you are a complete fool. She did not bother to cover her tracks because she thinks you are stupid and naive.

 

The only one who's stupid and naive is her.

[Loni]

Good. And send her kids packing too. You have your own blood to take care of.

 

Like she wouldn't take her kids with her? Probably the best thing for her under the circumstances. Also for him; maybe he can get back into the will now.

 

Seriously though and all the bitter man dump her now crap aside. Normally, when women have affairs it is to fill an emotional need. The OP needs to decide whether this woman has checked out or is reacting to all the familial stuff of not being accepting simply because she is white. Also, 5 kids trying to be a blended family can't be easy.

 

And, if she has enough money to contribute to the household as the OP indicated and to pay her car she will do just fine. S hit happens. Only the OP can decide and if he wants to let the likes of JMK or Mr. H influence him well OK then.

[John Michael Kane]

Like she wouldn't take her kids with her? Probably the best thing for her under the circumstances. Also for him; maybe he can get back into the will now.

 

Good he didn't find this out 15 years later. Now he can find someone actually worthy enough.

 

Seriously though and all the bitter man dump her now crap aside. Normally, when women have affairs it is to fill an emotional need.

Here we go. Since you were a willing participant of infidelity, no wonder you said this false, romanticizing statement about cheating women.

 

The OP needs to decide whether this woman has checked out or is reacting to all the familial stuff of not being accepting simply because she is white.

I need what you are smoking.

 

Also, 5 kids trying to be a blended family can't be easy.

All that is irrelevant now and he's made his decision (and a wise one at that).

 

And, if she has enough money to contribute to the household as the OP indicated and to pay her car she will do just fine. S hit happens.

This is irrelevant. OP already made his decision. And this type of destructive behavior doesn't "just happen."

 

Only the OP can decide and if he wants to let the likes of JMK or Mr. H influence him well OK then.

Well honestly you're giving this man false advice so that's a moot point.

[B_R_E_e]

I am sorry about what u are going thru. It's really hard, I was blindsided 3 weeks ago. It's good that you can see clearly and get her away from you. This site is great for when u are feeling like u can't manage, someone is always there to give u some reality. Hang In there, they say it gets better:-)

[Wildabeest]

Thing is. I really still do love her like crazy. You don't realize it when you are taking a person for granted until they leave you. Before i knew she cheated - I literally sobbed like a baby when I'd realized I may have lost her when she was being cold and distant. She said I was neglecting her and I realize now that I certainly did. I would pick fights with her for no reason. I see how she might have lost interest. I feel that even though she cheated on me I am taking ownership for my actions and directly causing her pu$$y to fall on the dick of another man.

 

If I knew that her fling was just that and not truly an emotional affair as well than I could live with it, however, those texts she had between her and the OM were full of lust and want and love. I mean who says they love each other after one fling a week ago? Or shes lying and has been in a much longer affair.

 

Thing is, if she is truly as repentant as she claims to be, why the privacy. She should be open and willing if she truly loves me and wants to be with me. Ahhh! I see the writing on the wall and I'm not liking it one bit but it has to be done. I cant be with her. She will either leave me for good eventually or just have an affair behind my back.

[Mr.Harris]

Thing is. I really still do love her like crazy. You don't realize it when you are taking a person for granted until they leave you. Before i knew she cheated - I literally sobbed like a baby when I'd realized I may have lost her when she was being cold and distant. She said I was neglecting her and I realize now that I certainly did. I would pick fights with her for no reason. I see how she might have lost interest. I feel that even though she cheated on me I am taking ownership for my actions and directly causing her pu$$y to fall on the dick of another man.

 

If I knew that her fling was just that and not truly an emotional affair as well than I could live with it, however, those texts she had between her and the OM were full of lust and want and love. I mean who says they love each other after one fling a week ago? Or shes lying and has been in a much longer affair.

 

Thing is, if she is truly as repentant as she claims to be, why the privacy. She should be open and willing if she truly loves me and wants to be with me. Ahhh! I see the writing on the wall and I'm not liking it one bit but it has to be done. I cant be with her. She will either leave me for good eventually or just have an affair behind my back.

 

Sorry for your loss man. Just know that it was never your fault. She brought this on herself. She didn't want to give up her privacy because she's still seeing him. Let her, without you providing her food and shelter.

[2sunny]

she is not the woman you thought she could be... the core being of her character has been revealed.

 

no woman who IS the faithful type says "since you weren't paying attention to me - i cheated" i would never cheat - no matter how a man was or wasn't treating me. it's not in MY character to harm someone else that way.

 

since she is unwilling to be transparent = she is still willing to cheat and cause harm to you. that is the bottom line.

 

i really hope you NEVER consider taking her back - even IF she gives you transparency now - she has shown that she essentially feels "entitled" to cheat. especially when miss spoiled brat doesn't have every little thing she may want or need.

 

be grateful you dodged a HUGE bullet. she never would have told you on her own and it could have been happening longer than you think. i'm sure she bailed on the Vegas trip as premeditated cheating knowing you would be out of town.

 

 

let her be someone else's problem. this kind of woman in life can make a man very miserable.

 

it appears that she's looking for a man to make life easy for her - please don't let that be you. she's a user and a taker.

[Wildabeest]

Last night it became glaringly obvious what kind of woman she truly is. I told her that it was indeed my fault and If she wanted to rebuild the relationship with me I would give it my all - full steam ahead. I told her I didnt want her to move out and i was serious in starting fresh with her, but I had to know that it was over between them. *In light of this revelation she said she is drained and couldn't deal with this situation anymore. She says despite my wanting to try, she's been disappointed in fight after fight and just wasn't willing to keep going again. Her moving out is the best option because we are rebuilding our relationship from the ground floor and we can begin dating again like in the beginning.

 

A switch went off my head that made me realize that she really is emotionally checked out of our relationship. There's nothing I can do anymore. She's picked the OM. I had forgotten to add in my original post that the morning after I found out about her indiscretion she agreed to end it with the OM by sending a text that said that she was in love with me and to not contact her again. So last night *I asked her, has she gotten a reply back ever since she sent that last text message to him. She said nope not one thing, no contact. Really? No way after that passion they had for each other would he be out of the picture so fast. No way.

 

Well. She's looking at apartments this weekend. I'm gonna see if she actually follows through with this. She will and I'll chalk this up as a great learning experience.*

 

The night before when she was caught was definitely damage control. Now she's had a day to mull over it she's had time to think things through and I can see that the OM is clearly still in her life.

 

*Back when things were good she actually wanted to go to Vegas and get married on my birthday, I balked at that because I wanted a wedding on the beach. She was disappointed. In hindsight, did this one action cause me to lose her and did I *make a huge mistake by not marrying her? As much as I'll mourn my action by not marrying her I now see it was a tremendous relief knowing that when times get tough she'll screw another man. Yup. Dodged a bullet on that one. *

 

One good thing is that when she was struggling to take the phone away from me that night it accidentally dialed her fathers phone number. He heard the whole thing. She mentioned that her father actually chastised her for screwing up this relationship and sided with me. Her mother knows the situation too and urged her to make things right. FTW

 

She says she wants to make it up to me for screwing up my birthday (lol, literally yeah she screwed on my birthday.) She's taking me out to dinner tonight. I'm gonna let her. I deserve something. After tonight, my blinders are off. Don't let the door hit ya on the way out!

[Wildabeest]

I have to break this down somewhat. Originally she wanted to get married on my birthday in Vegas. After a particularly nasty fight I told her I didn't know if I wanted to marry her anymore. I could tell she was heartbroken. So she's actually been plotting revenge on me by screwing some guy on my birthday instead. ouch!

[Wildabeest]

Thanks 2sunny. Absolutely spot on

[John Michael Kane]

Just be glad you're done with her.

[Woggle]

Be glad to be rid of bad baggage and whatever you do don't blame yourself. People like her will find whatever excuse they can think of to justify their actions. Just be glad you didn't marry her.

[Binster]

If you do weaken and let her stay, even for a short time e.g while she gets her place sorted out or whatever excuse she gives. Put a keylogger on the computor and flexi spy or some other program on her phone.

The results might help you to stay tough on this, she's still with the other guy.

Good luck

[Wildabeest]

The hardest part of all this is that I still l still love her with my whole heart. She was my best friend and lover. My absolute best memories were with her and I absolutely adore her kids and they adore me. She was great with my kids and really did try to smooth things over with my mother despite everything. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. My whole life i realized i bever experienced true love until I found her and now its shattered. We both agree "how did we let it get this far?"

[robf1971]

Seriously though and all the bitter man dump her now crap aside. Normally, when women have affairs it is to fill an emotional need. The OP needs to decide whether this woman has checked out or is reacting to all the familial stuff of not being accepting simply because she is white. Also, 5 kids trying to be a blended family can't be easy.

 

 

Actually the dump her now "crap" is about the BS retaining a modicum of their shredded self respect and not agreeing to be a fallback plan for the cheater's "emotional needs"

[Kidd]

Sadly for you,

 

1. Her lack of willingness to be transparent and to demand privacy is a red flag. A truly remorseful girl would do just about anything to make up for this and would understand that privacy is the first thing to go when trying to reestablish trust. The privacy thing is a very common excuse to keep hiding an affair.

2. People rarely suggest to separate in order to work things out. They would instinctive know that you reconnect by being together, not separate. Again, this is a common tactic used to allow them to keep you at bay while they continue to explore the affair. This usually means they just want to continue to lie instead of admitting or that they want to have their cake and eat it too, while they try to decide about you

3. You did NOTHING to cause this. You MUST understand that cheating is a purely a selfish act. She made conscious, planned, calculated decisions to do this when she was obligated to either repair her relationship with you first or break it off with you. This is all on her.

 

Yes, you love her. You don't fall out of love in a day. You're in shock. Step back and ask yourself if you think she is being sufficiently remorseful for you to forgive. I think you've already stated that you know the answer.

 

Time to heal yourself. Sorry hear you're going thru this. Know that there are a multitude of people that have experienced the same tragedy and that you are not alone. Reach out for support, consider counseling. Make a decision of which you are proud and move forward. Good luck.