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In love with each other, but both in other relationships

UnchartedWaters

By UnchartedWaters
in The Other Man / Woman

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UnchartedWaters New Member

UnchartedWaters

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So I am slowly (no make that quickly) going crazy with the situation I have found myself in. For the past 14 months I have been involved with a man who has a long term (8 yrs) girlfriend. To make matters worse I am also in a long term (8 yrs as well) relationship. Initially, neither of us was looking for anything outside of our respective relationships. Then in a series of unlikely events we found ourselves head over heels for each other. I do not believe in love at first sight, but that was literally what it was. Both of us shied away from this "relationship" as he is much older than me, divorced more than once and has a teenage daughter., but despite both of our reservations we kept seeing each other. We broke things off at the end of last July, but "reconciled" in early October. While the relationship is romantic in nature we both truly enjoy each others company. A year later and we are both still lying to our partners and seeing one another any chance we get. He seems to be more brazen about our relationship (almost like he doesn't care if he gets caught) and has wanted to introduce me to his circle of good friends.

 

I guess what I am getting at is do guys ever leave long term relationships for the "mistress"? Why is he bringing me more into "his" world if he doesn't have intentions of making what we have something more??

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)

My question for you is: Since you also have a partner, are you interested in leaving your relationship for him? :confused:

 

I find it a bit different that you would be concerned about what he is planning to do or not do when you're not single either. I often see the single OW more concerned about this as she is the "free" one waiting around....but if both people have someone else, then it requires action on BOTH people's part to end things with their respective partners. After all....if he chooses to leave and you don't, the situation is no better.

 

Is your decision to leave based upon whether or not he is serious about you and willing to do the same also?

 

Are you no longer in love and willing to work things out with your partner?

Edited by MissBee
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UnchartedWaters New Member

UnchartedWaters

Posted
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Posted

Yes, decision to leave my relationship is based on how serious he is about me. While I am not the type of woman that needs a man in her life, I don't want to put myself into a less than ideal situation in financial terms (I can live on my own as I have a great job, but would have to watch things) and as terrible as it is to say current partner is a built-in pet sitter for when I often travel.

 

As for my current partner, I will always love him but am not in love with him. We met when I was young and have just grown up and apart. We want different things out of life.

Loni Established Member

Loni

Posted
Posted
So I am slowly (no make that quickly) going crazy with the situation I have found myself in. For the past 14 months I have been involved with a man who has a long term (8 yrs) girlfriend. To make matters worse I am also in a long term (8 yrs as well) relationship. Initially, neither of us was looking for anything outside of our respective relationships. Then in a series of unlikely events we found ourselves head over heels for each other. I do not believe in love at first sight, but that was literally what it was. Both of us shied away from this "relationship" as he is much older than me, divorced more than once and has a teenage daughter., but despite both of our reservations we kept seeing each other. We broke things off at the end of last July, but "reconciled" in early October. While the relationship is romantic in nature we both truly enjoy each others company. A year later and we are both still lying to our partners and seeing one another any chance we get. He seems to be more brazen about our relationship (almost like he doesn't care if he gets caught) and has wanted to introduce me to his circle of good friends.

 

I guess what I am getting at is do guys ever leave long term relationships for the "mistress"? Why is he bringing me more into "his" world if he doesn't have intentions of making what we have something more??

 

Some do leave but most don't. And yes it does appear that he is looking to get caught. He wants to react to a dday as opposed to be proactive. Usually, the MM or SO think that a decision will be made for them either by being kicked out or with a demand to work on the relationship and end the affair. Usually the women do not kick these guys out. And usually the man stays.

 

Sometimes it's a relief to get caught because then he can either ask for absolution or leave but it's typically the former. The only thing that is certain is that there is no way to tell.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
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Since neither of you are married people, why not tell the truth to your partners and then solidify your relationship? What on earth is stopping the two of you from coming clean to your partners. If I were your partners I would want to know so as not to waste anymore of my time and I could find someone who wanted to be with me only.

Tenacity Established Member

Tenacity

Posted
Posted
Yes, decision to leave my relationship is based on how serious he is about me. While I am not the type of woman that needs a man in her life, I don't want to put myself into a less than ideal situation in financial terms (I can live on my own as I have a great job, but would have to watch things) and as terrible as it is to say current partner is a built-in pet sitter for when I often travel.

 

As for my current partner, I will always love him but am not in love with him. We met when I was young and have just grown up and apart. We want different things out of life.

 

OMG...

 

I'm sorry, but your decision to leave a 8 year committed relationship is bsed on how serious your MM is about you? And he is a pet sitter? Seriously, you need to figure out what to do about YOUR relationship and stop worrying about what MM wants or intends to do.

 

That is just a terrible way to treat someone.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)
Yes, decision to leave my relationship is based on how serious he is about me. While I am not the type of woman that needs a man in her life, I don't want to put myself into a less than ideal situation in financial terms (I can live on my own as I have a great job, but would have to watch things) and as terrible as it is to say current partner is a built-in pet sitter for when I often travel.

 

As for my current partner, I will always love him but am not in love with him. We met when I was young and have just grown up and apart. We want different things out of life.

 

So in other words...you will stay around with this pet-sitter indefinitely, pretending you love him, if the other guy is not serious about you?

 

I agree with Tenacity...that is not the way to treat someone. If you were him, wouldn't you rather that he told you the truth and you both made a clean break?

 

If you can live on your own...then how is leaving your pet sitter going to put you in a worst position?

 

This is cake eating at it's finest...let it be an example to some folks having rosy thoughts about why their MP won't leave...you don't love him, he's a pet sitter, but you don't want to risk possibly being uncomfortable for a little bit so until you can be certain a safety blanket awaits, you will sit on the fence, getting love and romance from one and pet sitting from another.

Edited by MissBee
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted

UncharteredWaters:

 

I am not suggesting you are a bad person, but I do think that you have to consider that what you're doing is very self-serving. You don't want to take the risk and make a choice either way because you don't want to be uncomfortable...

 

You're doing a disservice to yourself, your current partner and the MM. Staying around where you're not happy and not making someone else happy or even respect them, is pointless.....your life will be uncomfortable for a little if you left and things fell to pieces with MM...but such is life...and people move on from worst than that, so I am sure you would be just fine.

 

However, to wait for what seems like the perfect safety net...may in fact leave you with nothing at all.

 

Life is too short to stay stuck in a stagnant situation for fear of what's worst...when leaving could open doors to things much better, even if for a little you're uncomfortable, you get past it, grow and your whole world won't disintegrate ;)

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
OMG...

 

I'm sorry, but your decision to leave a 8 year committed relationship is bsed on how serious your MM is about you? And he is a pet sitter? Seriously, you need to figure out what to do about YOUR relationship and stop worrying about what MM wants or intends to do.

 

That is just a terrible way to treat someone.

 

I completely agree.

 

OP, you do seem as if you have to have a guy in your life. End the relationship with your partner ... He deserves better.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
I guess what I am getting at is do guys ever leave long term relationships for the "mistress"? Why is he bringing me more into "his" world if he doesn't have intentions of making what we have something more??

 

What are your intentions? Do you want something more? Do you plan on ending your own relationship? Or do you want keep your boyfriend of 8 years and keep seeing this OM?

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
Yes, decision to leave my relationship is based on how serious he is about me. While I am not the type of woman that needs a man in her life, I don't want to put myself into a less than ideal situation in financial terms (I can live on my own as I have a great job, but would have to watch things) and as terrible as it is to say current partner is a built-in pet sitter for when I often travel.

As for my current partner, I will always love him but am not in love with him. We met when I was young and have just grown up and apart. We want different things out of life.

 

Ouch. So you'll stay with your current boyfriend by default, a second choice, but only if the MM chooses to stay married?

 

That is NOT a reason to stay (part in bold) and if that's a big reason why you're hanging onto your boyfriend, that's just so wrong and cruel. Fact too, you are NOT in love with him, so why not set him free so HE can find a woman who adores and loves him, won't cheat and betray him, and use him! What you're doing is cruel and selfish. Hanging onto someone when you truly don't love them, for self serving reasons.

 

Karma. That's all I'll say.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
What are your intentions? Do you want something more? Do you plan on ending your own relationship? Or do you want keep your boyfriend of 8 years and keep seeing this OM?

 

 

WWIU...she answered earlier in the thread:

 

Originally Posted by UnchartedWaters

Yes, decision to leave my relationship is based on how serious he is about me. While I am not the type of woman that needs a man in her life, I don't want to put myself into a less than ideal situation in financial terms (I can live on my own as I have a great job, but would have to watch things) and as terrible as it is to say current partner is a built-in pet sitter for when I often travel.

 

As for my current partner, I will always love him but am not in love with him. We met when I was young and have just grown up and apart. We want different things out of life.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Oops, I saw that she had said something about that after I had already replied.

alexandria35 Established Member

alexandria35

Posted
Posted
Yes, decision to leave my relationship is based on how serious he is about me. While I am not the type of woman that needs a man in her life, I don't want to put myself into a less than ideal situation in financial terms (I can live on my own as I have a great job, but would have to watch things) and as terrible as it is to say current partner is a built-in pet sitter for when I often travel.

 

As for my current partner, I will always love him but am not in love with him. We met when I was young and have just grown up and apart. We want different things out of life.

 

You sound very much like a woman who needs a man. Most people end their relationships based on the relationship itself and their personal feelings about their partner. A year ago my ex and I went through a very painful and sad break up. Neither of us had anyone waiting in the shadows, both of us suffered financial and emotional loss. It was very sad and very hard but it was the right thing for us to do based on what our relationship had become and what we wanted for our future. I still miss him and love him and I'm especially grateful that we both maintained our dignity, honor and respect before, during and after the break up.

 

If you don't love your bf or feel fulfilled in your relationship with him then the respectful and right thing to do would be to let him go so you are both free to find love and happiness in a new relationship. How can you be so nonchalant about using a human being the way you are using your boyfriend. You keep him for financial gain and free pet sitting. You say you don't need to have a man, yet you do this? You are either very needy in the man department or exceptionally selfish and cruel.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted

Uncharted, I know you're getting a lot of stick for not wanting to change things without reassurances about the future, but you're not alone, lots of people are the same. Change is hostile and brings difficulties and challenges. Most people want their situation to improve without having to actively deal with change and the hassle that comes with it.

 

I do think, though, that you have two trains of thought to work through and only one of them is related to the affair. Because if OM disappeared in to the ether tomorrow and there was no possibility of a future, there is a decent chance that one day you could meet ANOTHER OM. Because you've crossed the line, felt the feelings, identified that your current R really isn't 'all that'. If you were happy with your partner your current OM wouldn't stand a chance with you, and nor would anyone in the future. It's worth you working stuff through now while it's relevant. Whilst the relationship is in the balance. If you only ever kissed and made love with your partner for the entire rest of your life - does that sound a good prospect? One that pleases/excites you? Or one that frightens you?

 

The issues in your relationship are unlikely to resolve themselves, you need to work out what you're going to do.

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UnchartedWaters New Member

UnchartedWaters

Posted
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Posted

First, thank you to all who responded to this. Good or bad I needed to "hear" everything that was said. After looking at some of the responses, it is clear to me that I am being selfish and cruel (as I know it is not about needing a man in my life), which is not fair to anyone involved. Guess I need to figure out how to stop being this person- since I am not selfish or cruel in any other part of my life... And yes, I know the basic answer is to stop having an A, but when you feel so strongly for someone else it is not that simple to turn your feelings and actions off.

 

I do love my partner and don't want to hurt him, but the longer this goes on the more he will get hurt (and myself as well). If I am completely honest with myself if OM was not a part of the picture I would still be unhappy with my current situation. We grew up (we were 19 and 20 when we met) and grew apart. Aside from the OM, our relationship has not fallen apart because of one or the other, it was just a gradual shift in what each of us wants and not having those needs met. But now 8 yrs. later I am scared to leave someone that has been such a big part of my life.

 

As for OM, I am truly head over heels for him, but know I can't fully be with him (in any sense of the word) until we both resolve each of our issues.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
First, thank you to all who responded to this. Good or bad I needed to "hear" everything that was said. After looking at some of the responses, it is clear to me that I am being selfish and cruel (as I know it is not about needing a man in my life), which is not fair to anyone involved. Guess I need to figure out how to stop being this person- since I am not selfish or cruel in any other part of my life... And yes, I know the basic answer is to stop having an A, but when you feel so strongly for someone else it is not that simple to turn your feelings and actions off.

 

I do love my partner and don't want to hurt him, but the longer this goes on the more he will get hurt (and myself as well). If I am completely honest with myself if OM was not a part of the picture I would still be unhappy with my current situation. We grew up (we were 19 and 20 when we met) and grew apart. Aside from the OM, our relationship has not fallen apart because of one or the other, it was just a gradual shift in what each of us wants and not having those needs met. But now 8 yrs. later I am scared to leave someone that has been such a big part of my life.

 

As for OM, I am truly head over heels for him, but know I can't fully be with him (in any sense of the word) until we both resolve each of our issues.

 

 

You're a smart lady, I know it's not an easy decision, but I've learned that doing the right thing, although it can be daunting and it's scary to leave the confines of the known and comfy, once you do it...you'll be uncomfortable for a bit but then you feel so much happier and relieved and you're much more open for your next chapter than when you have a foot in something stagnant and one in the new...it goes nowhere. You're just perpetually at the threshold of "what has been" and "what could be" but living fully in neither!

 

Goodluck to you ;)

26pointblue Established Member

26pointblue

Posted
Posted
Some do leave but most don't. And yes it does appear that he is looking to get caught. He wants to react to a dday as opposed to be proactive. Usually, the MM or SO think that a decision will be made for them either by being kicked out or with a demand to work on the relationship and end the affair. Usually the women do not kick these guys out. And usually the man stays.

 

Sometimes it's a relief to get caught because then he can either ask for absolution or leave but it's typically the former. The only thing that is certain is that there is no way to tell.

 

I agree with this this & it's what happened to me. I used to tell xMM that he was acting like he wanted to get caught, & he would agree with my assessment, or act kind of confused & astonished at his own behavior once I pointed it out.

 

Here's the thing OP, as Loni said. I used to assume that the fact that he was acting like he wanted to get caught meant that he wanted to be caught so that he would be thrown out & not look like the bad guy for leaving & could come to me with less guilt. It only occured to me after several D-Days & him staying put that maybe he was getting caught so that his wife would make him stop talking to me & he could leave me/ stop the affair without looking like the bad guy & having less guilt.

 

I was right on my assessment- that he was weak & needed his wife to do the work/make the decision for him- but wrong on his motivations. And these things aren't always conscious. Maybe he really wasn't sure what he wanted to do but knew his wife finding out would make him decide one way or the other. [sometimes he seemed downright surprised that his wife still loved him & wanted to stay married to him after she kept finding out about his cheating].

 

Anyway as Loni said they usually stay married. For me it worked out for the best because I've realized he's a weak lying cheat & I don't want to be with a man like that but I was so caught up in the drama of it that I couldn't see straight. At the time it felt devastating & baffling that he kept getting caught, getting kicked out, & staying put, or trying to weasel his way back home, & keep me. It's a very strange circumstance but that's what cake-eaters do & most cheating people are cake-eaters.

 

Which brings me to you & your situation . . . if you have grown apart from your partner & are no longer in love with him, you need to leave, not make matters worse all around by cake-eating. Just my opinion. Good luck.

26pointblue Established Member

26pointblue

Posted
Posted
First, thank you to all who responded to this. Good or bad I needed to "hear" everything that was said. After looking at some of the responses, it is clear to me that I am being selfish and cruel (as I know it is not about needing a man in my life), which is not fair to anyone involved. Guess I need to figure out how to stop being this person- since I am not selfish or cruel in any other part of my life... And yes, I know the basic answer is to stop having an A, but when you feel so strongly for someone else it is not that simple to turn your feelings and actions off.

 

I do love my partner and don't want to hurt him, but the longer this goes on the more he will get hurt (and myself as well). If I am completely honest with myself if OM was not a part of the picture I would still be unhappy with my current situation. We grew up (we were 19 and 20 when we met) and grew apart. Aside from the OM, our relationship has not fallen apart because of one or the other, it was just a gradual shift in what each of us wants and not having those needs met. But now 8 yrs. later I am scared to leave someone that has been such a big part of my life.

 

As for OM, I am truly head over heels for him, but know I can't fully be with him (in any sense of the word) until we both resolve each of our issues.

 

 

Sorry, I posted my prior post before I read this latest one of yours. I'm glad you have seen the light & have decided to make the right decisions. :-) Good luck.

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
Uncharted, I know you're getting a lot of stick for not wanting to change things without reassurances about the future, but you're not alone, lots of people are the same. Change is hostile and brings difficulties and challenges. Most people want their situation to improve without having to actively deal with change and the hassle that comes with it.

 

I do think, though, that you have two trains of thought to work through and only one of them is related to the affair. Because if OM disappeared in to the ether tomorrow and there was no possibility of a future, there is a decent chance that one day you could meet ANOTHER OM. Because you've crossed the line, felt the feelings, identified that your current R really isn't 'all that'. If you were happy with your partner your current OM wouldn't stand a chance with you, and nor would anyone in the future. It's worth you working stuff through now while it's relevant. Whilst the relationship is in the balance. If you only ever kissed and made love with your partner for the entire rest of your life - does that sound a good prospect? One that pleases/excites you? Or one that frightens you?

 

The issues in your relationship are unlikely to resolve themselves, you need to work out what you're going to do.

 

Life changes. Even with marriage there is no guarantee things will work out. But treating someone you claim to love like crap is cruel. He is a pet sitter, period. That is pretty cruel and I am sure if he had any idea this is all she thought of him, he would have packed up and left a while ago.

 

Change doesn't have to be hostile or difficult. It can be empowering and rewarding. It can be confusing, unnerving and hard. But life is FULL of change and people MUST learn to accept it and deal with it. Hell, life is hard. But change ... heck, I love change. I love being challenged, I love working through issues and I embrace learning new ways. I would much rather change a situation that is within my power than to stand still or go backwards because I am too scared or limited to move forward. Every day we are faced with changes in some sort of capacity. At work, if you can't be flexible or are too rigid, they will find someone more accommodating and not so limited.

 

OP, this is the time in your life to make decisions for you - and NOT based on some guy. I would be 2 years from now, neither of these men will be in your life and both will be just a memory. The MM isn't leaving and you don't love the partner you are with. Time to make CHANGES. Embrace them rather than resisting them.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Life changes. Even with marriage there is no guarantee things will work out. But treating someone you claim to love like crap is cruel. He is a pet sitter, period. That is pretty cruel and I am sure if he had any idea this is all she thought of him, he would have packed up and left a while ago.

 

Change doesn't have to be hostile or difficult. It can be empowering and rewarding. It can be confusing, unnerving and hard. But life is FULL of change and people MUST learn to accept it and deal with it. Hell, life is hard. But change ... heck, I love change. I love being challenged, I love working through issues and I embrace learning new ways. I would much rather change a situation that is within my power than to stand still or go backwards because I am too scared or limited to move forward. Every day we are faced with changes in some sort of capacity. At work, if you can't be flexible or are too rigid, they will find someone more accommodating and not so limited.

OP, this is the time in your life to make decisions for you - and NOT based on some guy. I would be 2 years from now, neither of these men will be in your life and both will be just a memory. The MM isn't leaving and you don't love the partner you are with. Time to make CHANGES. Embrace them rather than resisting them.

 

Very true! :bunny:

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted

People are not all the same. Some people feel fearful of change or find making the right decision difficult. Not everyone is energised by the challenge of ending a comfortable, long-established relationship....

Damia Established Member

Damia

Posted
Posted

Yes some men leave .My xH did we were married 19 years.

His OW is 29 he is 48 they have been together 8 mths.A word of caution I have since found out he cheated with at least 5 different OW possibly more during our marriage.

Will he settle down now he has met his 'true love' ?who knows!

sounds like your MM has a history as well.Will you be his 'true love' who knows ! but may be you should take a step back and look at all the different lives you are both mucking up.

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