Why do feelings reappear when you're 100% sure you have moved on? And what do I do?

[basia]

Hi please could some of you give me some advice on this one?

 

My ex and I were together for 4.5 years until he broke up with me about 6 months ago. I think, after reading stuff on these forums, that it was a case of GIGS. He said he wanted to 'be friends', I agreed as we had been friends for three years before we started dating (so I have known him ages). At first I cried etc but never begged for him to come back. I somehow retained my dignity. We have had low contact for 6 months and have at times met up for a drink. I have not had feelings other than friendship for him as I can remember how we were when we were friends before our relationship.

 

He was single for a month until he met someone and started seeing her. They are still seeing each other. I have been dating but not met anyone yet.

 

I felt I dealt with the break up OK and felt I had moved on after three months and that's why I started dating again. I didn't think of him that much only when he emailed me or I texted him, or before/after we met up ,that sort of thing.

 

All of a sudden and I mean just TODAY something inside me has snapped and I really want my ex back. Could this be a delayed reaction / realisation?

As we are still on good terms and still enjoy each other's company (and there is still a little 'spark' there) shoud I bite the bullet and tell him how I feel? Or just carry on and hope this feeling goes away?

 

Anyone been through this type of thing?

[Geya]

Because you're maintaining low contact, to get over someone specially a 45 year relationship you need to cut contact and remain 0 contact for a really really long time, I think feelings suddenly reappearing are normal but that wouln't happen if you cut contact, I don't know about telling him, he broke up with you do you the reason for the breakup has changed?

[truenigma]

I don't think you can erase someone totally from your feelings after being together for as long as you two were a couple. I don't think there's any logic here...just roll with it I suppose..it may be fleeting. My ex was cold as a snake..just days before she told me she loved me again...(only to leave a couple of months later AGAIN)...sheesh..who the hell knows about love it sucks and we need it...

[basia]

Because you're maintaining low contact, to get over someone specially a 45 year relationship you need to cut contact and remain 0 contact for a really really long time, I think feelings suddenly reappearing are normal but that wouln't happen if you cut contact, I don't know about telling him, he broke up with you do you the reason for the breakup has changed?

 

We were both of the opinion that we will always remain friends as we were friends before we started a relationship. Neither of want to break the friendship but we obviously only contact each other relatively rarely now.

 

We were aguing a lot and we could see that if we continued likt that we would grow to dislike each other - neither of wanted that. I was willing to give it another go, he didn't want to. I see that it was good we broke up when we did.

 

So it's either NC or continue with LC and keep my mouth shut??!!

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

So it's either NC or continue with LC and keep my mouth shut??!!

 

 

Either of those options is fine.

 

 

I strongly recommend NC though.

[basia]

Thanks

OK so I should in no way tell him how I feel (that is if I still feel this way when I next see him?)

[joshgosh]

Why don't you just TELL him how you feel?

If you two are still close, and you seem to be, your friendship may be able to survive rejection. Or, give it a few days you may not feel the same

[carhill]

Why do feelings reappear when you're 100% sure you have moved on? And what do I do?

The 'what-if' factor, IMO. No relationship, or very few anyway, exists without positive emotional memories resulting. Depending on a person's psychology, those can remain far more 'forward' in the mind than the negative memories, occasionally impelling 'what-if' scenarios and the attendant emotions.

 

Reading your thread and formulating a response has helped me with another aspect of compatibility. Thanks

 

As far as 'friends' goes, since LS wisdom has indicated very few platonic friendships grow into dickinsider, either yours is an anomaly or it wasn't so platonic, even if that aspect was largely hidden. Now, if you're missing each others company at bowling league or the gardening club, as examples, perhaps there's potential. If the friendship surrounded personal interaction rather than mutual interests, doubtful. Moreover, if the mutual interests resulted from one person 'reaching' for that interest because of non-platonic feelings for the other, then the post-breakup sharing of said interest will likely be 'contaminated' by the emotions of the past.

 

Accept your feelings, continue NC and, after a year or so, revisit. If you're really friends, you'll pick up just like you did before and be happy for each other's successes.