BSCB Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I've been seeing a guy for 5 months now. He had dumped his ex 4 months before we met. Around our third date, I told him I was looking for something more and if he wasn't over his ex, that was fine, but I didn't want to be dragged into it. (I told him this because I had dated a guy several months before who had dumped his ex 2 months prior to us meeting and it didn't end well for us). He said things were over with her, so we continued to date. I saw him every weekend, all weekend. We spent 2 weekends out of town together. I met all his friends, who love me and even openly say I'm a great catch. About a week ago, he came out and told me he had been seeing his ex every other week during the first 3 months we were dating and they had hooked up each time, including intercourse once. He said he then realized what a great thing he had in front of him with me and finally ended things with her. He said she's no longer a significant barrier for us and wants to work things out with me. He also told me that she emailed him last week to ask him not to bring me to their mutual friend's wedding, otherwise she wouldn't go. He said he's going to bring one of our friends instead. I feel like he's not over her because if he were, then he wouldn't allow her to manipulate him into bringing someone else to the wedding, and he wouldn't try to be so accommodating to someone who disrespected his privacy (she had been going through his email and phone throughout the 2 years they dated). I have a ton of mixed feelings about it all and I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand, I feel like I shouldn't be upset that he was hooking up with someone else because we weren't dating exclusively at the time. On the other, I'd probably feel better if it had been anyone except his ex because they have history together and loved each other, etc. I'm trying to forgive him, but I'm very upset about the fact that I told him from the beginning that I didn't want to be dragged into his issues with his ex and yet he did it anyway. I feel like I'm second best, and I know I don't deserve to feel this way. I've told him all of this and he's apologized and tried to console me. I realize that if I want to work things out with him, then this is something I have to get over myself, but I'm not sure whether I should. I do love him, but I wonder whether working through this is going to pay off in the end.
motive2002 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I think your suspicions are right on the nose. He can't take you to a wedding that she's attending? They hooked up while you were first dating? He's giving her some amount of power she shouldn't be having.. that is if he's being completely realistic about being "over her" Now if there's kids involved, that's a whole other ballgame. If you dating someone that had a kid with someone else, the ex will be in the picture whether you like it or not.. and they will be controlling and manipulative to some degree. BUT.. having said that if there are NO kids involved, I'm seeing some pretty big red flags here.
vsmini Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 (edited) Absolutely NO WAY would I tolerate this. So he basically picked her over you. She says she won't go to the wedding if he brings you. OK. So then I guess she's not going to the wedding. How hard is that? OK - yes - I'm sure she's known this friend (the one that's getting married) longer than you guys have been together so she probably feels it's her right to be there but she does have a choice - she certainly can go. But she's putting it on him. He said he then realized what a great thing he had in front of him with me and finally ended things with her. Really? Is that what he told you? or was his ex just not into him enough to sustain a little side action? I swear - a guy can get away with the shadiest sh*t if all he says was "then I realized how great you are." YEA OK - but he's still letting her call the shots. But the issue isn't what an immature little c*nt his ex is. It's about how HE'S the immature little c*nt. So let's see: He cheated on you with his ex He's still in contact with his ex He's letting her call the shots when it comes to taking you to a wedding. He'll probably get to talk to her and rekindle feelings for his ex while he's at the wedding. Jeez - sign me up to date that guy. Honey - it says more about YOU than it does him if you stay in this relationship. Srsly - what more can a guy do to you in order for you to understand that he's not a quality guy? Throw you down some stairs? Edited June 28, 2011 by vsmini
Yookie Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 He would need to prove to me that the relationship with the ex is really over by not giving a crap about what SHE wants to happen at the wedding. There is no way I would stay with a guy that let his ex dictate where he can take me. What about the next event that they both happen to be invited to? Will you be made to stay at home so SHE can go and have a good time and pretend you don't exist???
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