Silice Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Hello there, I've been lurking the forum since a little while looking for advices from situations that could fit mine, and finally decided to register today as I'm getting really clueless about this guy I met online. I'm 25 and live in Belgium, he's 20 from UK. We both met just through gaming, big sign for me as to not take anything seriously. But from the start he did his best to gain my attention, and even if I'm someone really introverted and careful with random online strangers, we quickly clicked and started talking/chatting/texting daily. At first I would stay just amused by his flirtatious attempts, and I wasnt really playing along, but as we began to share a lot of confidences together and as the chatting became more pleasant, I returned the flirts. Confidences moved on quickly and we grew more intimate, as in sharing painful secrets, realising we had the same problems of anger management. He told me he was off work, depressed and medicated, and had issues to connect to people in real life, that he had some really bad moments in his childhood through bullying, leading him to be someone really quick tempered now. We became very very close in sharing from every day life to past, sharing our views about love, used to joke a lot about what would happen if he was coming to my country, adding that it would be amazing since he really doesnt get along with the people he knows and is pretty much isolated atm, caught in a self destruction spiral. He often tells me he wishes I was around him physically. I know quasi everything from his day to day life, from his recent dating fails and job interviews to anything really. And when we phone each others, it lasts VERY long, record being 12 hours over the phone, talking, flirting, joking, laughing and teasing each others. What caught me really deep is that being an introvert, when I don't feel good, I usually retrieve in my own personal little world and one of those bad hair day, he pursued me over to make me tell him what was wrong so he could cheer me up. And as stupid as it may sounds as it's just "online" and through games, everyone we know pretty much think I'm "his girl", something he will reinforce telling them I'm his, and being overprotective/possessive with me. Therefore, one day as we were chatting and flirting I finally decided to admit I had a huge crush on him. he joked a bit about it but in a cute way, then called me his woman, saying he was serious about it, and that he loved me. Online shower of cute words, even though I couldn't really take that seriously and told him so. I was afraid things would change after me admitting i had a crush on him, but they didnt, at least at first. We would continue chatting 24/7, phoning, sharing what was happening at any given moment. And when things were turning ugly because of random exterior events, we would both say that it didnt matter "because *him* loves *me"" and vice versa, adding "even though it's online that will do for now because we live in different countries". Things went ugly because of my bad temper recently. Online flirting leads to jealousy quickly, especially when you have trust issues like me. For the record though, Im being realistic (even if my story must sound very immature I honestly realise it), and most of the time I wouldn't really mind him telling me he was finding some women he knew in real life attractive, or talking about an adventure he had, while on the other hand I should add he would have a quick mood swing when I told him one day about my ex trying to get back to me. For now though I'm aware it's not exactly like we could meet quickly even if from what I read, the fact he got a job at the beginning of the week sounds pretty much linked to the fact he wants to see me. But for the online part, since he insisted several times about how he was serious about me, I was childlishly considering it was reciprocal, and two days ago as a random person from our online community tried to flirt with him, I got a huge outburst of jealousy. And to add to my outburst, he literally bragged to that person nothing online could be taken seriously, except for the part I had an ecrush on him. It made me feel worthless, i thought it was hurtful to say that so lightly as a way to look good. Picture me mad on the moment, i shut down every ways of contacting me, until he harrasses me of messages to talk to me, apparently very scared I boot him out my life. I needed some time to think for myself wondering what was really going on, and cool down, trying to figure what exactly I should think of this bragging attitude, giving him the silent treatment in return until I cool down. As usual he pursued me to know what was wrong but I refused to talk until i was feeling less angry. I finally decided to write him a mail, owing an explanation, and telling him that for a start as much as it was already hard to deal with an online crush, i didnt think it was giving him a right to use me as an ego boost or even put me down with his bragging to some random people. He then told me I shouldn't take offence of this since it was just joking around and that no one around us would actually take seriously the fact I had a crush on him. I was slightly surprised as it's quite the opposite, most of our community thinking I made him fall for me or that we're already together somehow. He added that nothing was to be taken seriously in any case and that everyone knew he was joking around. At least it was making everything very clear, so I thanked him and decided to stay at that: nothing was to be taken seriously. But he asked me if then it was the sign I wouldn't talk to him anymore. I explained him I was getting mixed signals from him, that as much as I understand jokes, some really didn't sound like that nor the flirting and that I didn't want to get hurt or played around. Since the start I had been realistic and had offered my friendship, he seemed to thrive for something else, therefore my feelings of being toyed with or played around. He got annoyed there, telling me he didnt understand how he could have toyed with me as we havent physically met, and that he never played me around as he really did enjoy our talks and flirting a lot. He genuinely seemed confused as to why it was a problem, insisting on two antithetic facts imho: that he doesnt want anything to change between us at all and wants me to come back the way we were, AND that we live in different countries therefore there is no mixed signals. I ended up telling him that in any case I didn't want to get any mixed signals if he doesn't want me to get emotionnally attached, that I could stay his friend for sure, but that I don't want to get hurt, so I can set clear boundaries. Once that was done, he moved on showering me with affection and attention, the same way we were before that event. Leading me here on your forum clueless, really wondering what he has exactly in mind or what am I to him. An online buff or a pleasant company until he sorts his life and dark thoughts out ? His therapist as I'm generally the first one to know when something is wrong ? A fantasy he's planning on realising once it's possible ? As a matter of fact though I have to add he has been a perfect gentleman from the start we started our online flirting. I'm very sorry as my message is really long as well as my story very immature, I'm just trying to understand and would appreciate any insight on this.
Realitycheck1 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 You have constructed a fantasy relationship out of a fantasy online gaming world. Don't beat yourself up, it's common: happens to a lot of people. If you met him in real life, it's 99% certain that you'd be terribly disappointed. The intimacies you are sharing now would only serve as an embarrassing backdrop to the cold reality that there is no attraction. So the question about what you are to him is meaningless, as your pseudo-relationship is really built upon your perception of each other via a medium which grossly distorts the real persona.
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