pebbles80 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Firstly im new here so apologies if this is in the wrong place! And please be gentle with me as this is a complicated mess and I know that! Im a bit confused about a situation ive found myself in and not sure what to do from here in, obviously i know the RIGHT thing to do but my head and heart are confused. My H and I split up 2.5 yrs ago, I found out he was having an affair and I kicked him out. I thought he would be sorry and want to try to work things out with me but that back fired and after many months of him not knowing what he wanted he decided he wanted the OW. He moved her in with him at the family members house he now resides. She met the kids and he told me he loved her. I struggled on with my life as a single mom of 3 and tried to move on but we have never managed to break completely free of each other and during this time have had several episodes of things happening between us both but was never a regular thing just odd moments. We are mid divorce at the moment and I have been involved with someone else for around a year. For the last 7 months whenever H and I have been alone something is happening between me and XH. Recently its moved on to odd texts and arranged meetings to see each other. He often says he will see me soon he hopes etc and we see each other several times a week. He moans to me about his new partner (cant really call her OW anymore as that now seems to be me) she found pictures messages and a dirty text on his phone from a conversation we had via text which he said was all a mistake on my part and a joke on his. I have never stopped loving my H and I dont think I ever will, if I could go back and do things differently I would. I would like to think we have a future together still I want my family back. I keep trying to put all that to the back of my head as I know that this is just one big mess. I dont want to ask about reconcilliation as Im not sure what is going on in his head. Part of me feels like its a revenge thing on my part at getting my own back but then I know deep down I love this man (i have no idea why!) and we had many good times and a lot of history together but I also feel like he having it both ways. I know I should break it off with him and concentrate on a future without him but I cant do it.
MissBee Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Perhaps you should see a counselor who can help you sort through these feelings and figure out what is best for you and what you really want as well as need. You and your husband both have issues to work out as individuals...when one is in such an awful mess; married, cheating, then move in with OW without being divorced, then wife becomes OW while divorce proceedings are underway, complaining about former OW turned legit woman to wife who is now OW...it's really too much and shows there is some deep level of unhappiness and brokenness there that needs to be worked out. I'd suggest you turn your focus inward and take care of YOURSELF and what's up with you and what you want and leave your soon to be ex husband to do his own thing. If you guys got back together without you doing some self work or without him doing self work...I guarantee you will be back here complaining again. A lot of times when we're in a hot mess...it's often a wake up call for US to look inward and to take care of OURSELVES and be aware of something within US...but so many times we turn outward and make it about some other person, some relationship, food, drugs, alcohol, you name it. Going around and around, getting even more convoluted and never actually fixing anything. When you start with yourself first, I often find that everything else falls into place.
OWoman Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Firstly im new here so apologies if this is in the wrong place! And please be gentle with me as this is a complicated mess and I know that! Im a bit confused about a situation ive found myself in and not sure what to do from here in, obviously i know the RIGHT thing to do but my head and heart are confused. My H and I split up 2.5 yrs ago, I found out he was having an affair and I kicked him out. I thought he would be sorry and want to try to work things out with me but that back fired and after many months of him not knowing what he wanted he decided he wanted the OW. He moved her in with him at the family members house he now resides. She met the kids and he told me he loved her. I struggled on with my life as a single mom of 3 and tried to move on but we have never managed to break completely free of each other and during this time have had several episodes of things happening between us both but was never a regular thing just odd moments. We are mid divorce at the moment and I have been involved with someone else for around a year. For the last 7 months whenever H and I have been alone something is happening between me and XH. Recently its moved on to odd texts and arranged meetings to see each other. He often says he will see me soon he hopes etc and we see each other several times a week. He moans to me about his new partner (cant really call her OW anymore as that now seems to be me) she found pictures messages and a dirty text on his phone from a conversation we had via text which he said was all a mistake on my part and a joke on his. I have never stopped loving my H and I dont think I ever will, if I could go back and do things differently I would. I would like to think we have a future together still I want my family back. I keep trying to put all that to the back of my head as I know that this is just one big mess. I dont want to ask about reconcilliation as Im not sure what is going on in his head. Part of me feels like its a revenge thing on my part at getting my own back but then I know deep down I love this man (i have no idea why!) and we had many good times and a lot of history together but I also feel like he having it both ways. I know I should break it off with him and concentrate on a future without him but I cant do it. I think you both are (having it both ways) - he has a new life with his GF (fOW) and you on the side, and you have a BF and your s2bxh on the side. Does your BF know you are still involved with your H and hoping for reconciliation, and that he (the BF) is just your fall-back option? Is he OK with that? And your H's GF - does she know you're hoping for reconciliation, or did she accept his excuses? It seems to me that both you and your s2bxh are dragging people into your own confusion - each other, your SOs - and looking to the other to disclose their hand first before declaring your own intentions. This stand-off is just going to lead to heartbreak all round, I'm sure. Decide what you want, and then tell both of your love interests openly and honestly and then pursue that course, whether it is your s2bxh, your BF or both. But at least let everyone know where they stand. Once you are honest with your s2bxh, the onus will be on him to reciprocate and decide what he wants, and follow through accordingly.
Loni Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Being the OW to your husband has to suck. So you sleep with your husband knowing he is going home to the OW? I could understand if you slept with him and he came back but he didn't. Yes, you have squatters rights but he is still with her.You have put yourself in an unfortunate position. You are now the OW to your husband as well as cheating on some poor sod who does realize what you are doing. Nothing wrong with that except a huge blow to your self esteem. Cant think of anything worse for the ego than screwing your husband and having him leave afterward to go back to his OW. I am sure he also has a proud. A wife who will screw him and accept that he goes back to the OW. Man, what guy would not get a hard on from that?
woinlove Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 (edited) I agree with MissBee's advice of seeking professional counselling. You already acknowledge that the situation is a mess and you are feeling bad. From the outside, it doesn't make sense that you would want to continuing tying your life and happiness to a man who cheated on you and now is lying to the fOW while he tries to maintain the attention of two women. Your life will almost certainly be better without him, but with a marriage and 3 children together it can take time to come to that realization. That's where professional counselling can help. I've heard of a few cases of a man cheating, leaving for OW, divorcing, and then returning to and remarrying his xW. However, for that to work, the man would really need to change and there is no indication at all that your H or stbxH has changed. Rather the opposite. So, no matter what the future holds, you will be better off moving on and you may need some professional help to do so. When you have moved on and are happy, you probably will not want your xH back even if he wanted that. Also, perhaps your R with your new bf is casual and you both understand you are not fully in it, but it really doesn't sound like you are ready for a new R. Whatever the situation is, you should be honest with him. ETA. I see in your case you kicked him out, rather than him leaving for OW, but this doesn't change my advice. Edited June 28, 2011 by woinlove
bentnotbroken Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 This is wrong on so many levels. How did you feel when you were on the receiving end of this treatment. Okay, I get somewhere in your psyche you want to let the OW know how it feels, still wrong, but what about the guy you are seeing? What about your children? Is this what you want them to learn about having a healthy relationship? What you are doing isn't just going to hurt the adults, but it is going to screw up the kids involved. Stop it!
Author pebbles80 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Thank you all for your responses. Let me clear up a few things, stbxh partner did accept his lame answers to what she found on his phone. the man im involved with doesnt know what is going on between myself and stbxh but its also not a committed relationship at this time (not that that makes things right!) I thought it had the possibility to go the distance but other issues arose and I believe it to be on the way out. I did to start with try to make the best of a bad situation and move on with my life and would have told anyone who would have listened that I was over the stbxh as I truly felt that way occasional things would happen but nothing regular and I thought it was just the shared history thing getting the better of us. But as it has become regular I wondered if there was more to it. I accept that I prob do need to get some counselling to help me work through letting go and your right I prob then wouldnt want him back but lately all I can think of is having my family back together. I probally need to stop thinking of all the good things and sugar coating our history to get some kind of perspective. If Im honest I know he would have to change if anything was to be re started between the two of us on a permanent footing and Im not sure he would make the changes required. On the other hand it did give me some kind of kick to think that when stbxh partner found messages and photos on his phone that she would have had the same feelings I would have had when she was seeing him behind my back - its the sweet revenge thing. She knows I am not going anywhere because of the children and she has to put up with knowing he is seeing me and wondering just what he is upto. Im sure that may sound a bit twisted but I am just trying to be completely honest not only with yous but also with myself. I know the answers of what I need to do and know distance and a firm hand is needed with the ex and work on looking to a future with or without him but being happy whatever may be. Its just much harder then what I thought it would all be to cut him loose!
Emme Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Oh dear... I know I might get some slack for this but honestly Pebbles... I LOVE IT! I know it's wrong... but I just love it. It's moments like this where you have to decide what to do next and you can't bull sh*t around and stand quiet like you did in the beginning. If you love your husband you fight for him. If you still love him you tell him. Get it out in the open don't hold back your feelings. Everything you have shared here, tell him. Then if he still wants to be with his new love then you move forward with your life. HONESTY is the one thing that people fear. It's something that's pure and truth and still yet people fear it. You can't always use your mind in life. If you love your husband this is your last chance to say your piece before the divorce becomes final. If you love him, say you love him. It's that simple.
awkward Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 You are about to be free from this man. Thank your lucky stars and do a happy dance. There will be many more OW probably including OOW. The good news is that you will no longer be the BW. I can understand about wanting revenge, but your best revenge is to move on to a healthy relationship. Not all guys are jerks. Maybe your current SG not the guy for you. Keep looking and keep living. And for goodness sake, keep your stbx out of your cookie jar. He has germs.
Loni Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Thank you all for your responses. Let me clear up a few things, stbxh partner did accept his lame answers to what she found on his phone. the man im involved with doesnt know what is going on between myself and stbxh but its also not a committed relationship at this time (not that that makes things right!) I thought it had the possibility to go the distance but other issues arose and I believe it to be on the way out. I did to start with try to make the best of a bad situation and move on with my life and would have told anyone who would have listened that I was over the stbxh as I truly felt that way occasional things would happen but nothing regular and I thought it was just the shared history thing getting the better of us. But as it has become regular I wondered if there was more to it. I accept that I prob do need to get some counselling to help me work through letting go and your right I prob then wouldnt want him back but lately all I can think of is having my family back together. I probally need to stop thinking of all the good things and sugar coating our history to get some kind of perspective. If Im honest I know he would have to change if anything was to be re started between the two of us on a permanent footing and Im not sure he would make the changes required. On the other hand it did give me some kind of kick to think that when stbxh partner found messages and photos on his phone that she would have had the same feelings I would have had when she was seeing him behind my back - its the sweet revenge thing. She knows I am not going anywhere because of the children and she has to put up with knowing he is seeing me and wondering just what he is upto. Im sure that may sound a bit twisted but I am just trying to be completely honest not only with yous but also with myself. I know the answers of what I need to do and know distance and a firm hand is needed with the ex and work on looking to a future with or without him but being happy whatever may be. Its just much harder then what I thought it would all be to cut him loose! I am sure his girlfriend is feeling some of the same feelings you felt when he was cheating. I know that part of it has to feel good. Her emotional well being or whether she is paying any price should not be your concern. What this is doing to you should be your concern. Now if the revenge sex made everything all better for you I would say good for you. Does not sound like it. Maybe you were a bit premature to kick him out? In any event like a previous poster said maybe you guys need to talk because if you are not getting back together sleeping with him will give you a mind f uck.
MissBee Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Goodness me, her self esteem seems to be just fine. She did not keep the cheater,her nose is clean. She done threw him out. Now she has her come uppance. She has a sweet new life and gets to tango with her soon to be ex on the side with the sweet knowledge that he is coming to her while the other woman is home sweet home wondering where the cheater is. I'm not sure what you're reading...but if she indeed had a "sweet new life", I doubt she would be posting here asking for advice and saying she know she has to break it off but she can't and all other such things that speak of pain and confusion versus gloating and delight. Throwing out your trash then going back to dig through it....is hardly having your "nose clean". Happy people want others to be happy...those who claim to be happy but are still "toying" with yesterday's trash and still take pleasure in other people's misery aren't that happy at all. When I'm happy, the world is all sunshine and rainbows and I could care less about "come uppance"....only when I am unhappy and hurt do I spend time thinking about messing other people around.
fooled once Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I know I should break it off with him and concentrate on a future without him but I cant do it. Yes you can, you just choose not to. You want a future with him, for whatever reason. Best advice is to go ahead with the divorce and stop the games with him. You two have 3 children and they need stability. If your ex can't 'pick' a woman to be with, that should show you his lack of care and respect of either of you. Let him go. If it is meant to be, it will work out. Sounds like to me you just don't want to be alone and are willing to hang onto him for whatever reason.
Loni Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 laugh my done righteous butt off.:laugh: Not buying it, not paying for it. Her nose is clean. There is nothing wrong with schtooking your ex, especially when your ex is with the other woman who made you throw him out like used dishwater. It's fun. It's harmless and why not? how many years have they done the deed for? What's the big deal? It positively must be some fun sex!! No reason at all except she admits it's messing HER up. She wants him back and it's got to feel like crap that your own husband will shag you knowing he is going to get up, wipe off and then go home to the OW no less. He is not begging to come home but voluntarily going back to the OW. How humiliating. So what if the nose is clean if the rest of her feels dirty? This is not low esteem this is no esteem.
fooled once Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 laugh my done righteous butt off.:laugh: Not buying it, not paying for it. Her nose is clean. There is nothing wrong with schtooking your ex, especially when your ex is with the other woman who made you throw him out like used dishwater. It's fun. It's harmless and why not? how many years have they done the deed for? What's the big deal? It positively must be some fun sex!! Disagree. Her nose is not clean. The now girlfriend of her ex has no knowledge that they are messing around. OP, if this was one of your kids behaving like you, would you be happy for them? Would you support this? And for heaven's sake, let's hope everyone is STD free. It is unfair for anyone to be put in the position of not knowing where someone else has been. You have been cheated on and it has made quite the impression in our life - your family is now torn apart and you think it is okay to continue to do this?
MissBee Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 laugh my done righteous butt off.:laugh: Not buying it, not paying for it. Her nose is clean. There is nothing wrong with schtooking your ex, especially when your ex is with the other woman who made you throw him out like used dishwater. It's fun. It's harmless and why not? how many years have they done the deed for? What's the big deal? It positively must be some fun sex!! Okay Kristi...I suppose you're speaking about what you would like for yourself and not about her actual post, since you are the only one who seems to think it is fun and not even the OP has expressed any such sentiment. Allowing my loser ex access to my vagiina so he can feel like I'm some type of fool still inlove with him and still willing to spread for him although he has moved in with his OW...is not my idea of a good time, but to each her own
MissBee Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Disagree. Her nose is not clean. The now girlfriend of her ex has no knowledge that they are messing around. OP, if this was one of your kids behaving like you, would you be happy for them? Would you support this? And for heaven's sake, let's hope everyone is STD free. It is unfair for anyone to be put in the position of not knowing where someone else has been. You have been cheated on and it has made quite the impression in our life - your family is now torn apart and you think it is okay to continue to do this? Call me a prude, but with so many diseases going around and the real possibility of pregnancy...I am quite particular about who I fool around with. My loser ex who was cheating on me and now with his OW, is last on my list of ideal candidates to sleep with. I would have to be completely desperate to find that appealing....
MissBee Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 glee to me Well clearly it was short lived...as she would not be here or considering counseling if she were that titillated.
Loni Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Oh gratious no. Is this not what the ow goes through for eons before the married man leaves? Humiliation? Heavens no. She tossed him when she found out. He may have stayed continuously if she had not done what she did. She is just having fun now. Pebbles, relish in your sexual freedom. Maybe that ex old man of yours will get bit by the jealous bug and beg you for forgiveness. How exilarating would that be? Your are projecting dear. She has clearly said she is not happy nor having fun. She may want to explore an open marriage but somehow I don't think so. You can be as provocative with your statements as you want but it still does not change the truth. The only one have a fun time now is her husband. Yes, she tossed him out and now regrets it. Don't see him begging to move back in though.
MissBee Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Heavens no. It was y'all that made her reckon she needed a doctor. Her situation is very normal. Very normal indeed. The proof is in her post dear...the very 1st post before anyone said anything. There's really nothing to argue about, if pebbles was so darn pleased with herself, then she would see no need to come here asking for advice...what for??? Tis all.
woinlove Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Thank you all for your responses. Let me clear up a few things, stbxh partner did accept his lame answers to what she found on his phone. the man im involved with doesnt know what is going on between myself and stbxh but its also not a committed relationship at this time (not that that makes things right!) I thought it had the possibility to go the distance but other issues arose and I believe it to be on the way out. I did to start with try to make the best of a bad situation and move on with my life and would have told anyone who would have listened that I was over the stbxh as I truly felt that way occasional things would happen but nothing regular and I thought it was just the shared history thing getting the better of us. But as it has become regular I wondered if there was more to it. You were doing the right thing. Is there more to it? Perhaps, but remember your H cheats, with you and with fOW and can't be trusted. Even if he has feelings for you it doesn't mean he has what it takes to commit to a family. I accept that I prob do need to get some counselling to help me work through letting go and your right I prob then wouldnt want him back but lately all I can think of is having my family back together. I probally need to stop thinking of all the good things and sugar coating our history to get some kind of perspective. If Im honest I know he would have to change if anything was to be re started between the two of us on a permanent footing and Im not sure he would make the changes required. Exactly. His behavior says he hasn't changed. On the other hand it did give me some kind of kick to think that when stbxh partner found messages and photos on his phone that she would have had the same feelings I would have had when she was seeing him behind my back - its the sweet revenge thing. She knows I am not going anywhere because of the children and she has to put up with knowing he is seeing me and wondering just what he is upto. Im sure that may sound a bit twisted but I am just trying to be completely honest not only with yous but also with myself. Your fOW participated in deception, but your H actively deceived you. In the end though, it is not revenge toward either the fOW or your stbxh that will bring you real happiness. I know the answers of what I need to do and know distance and a firm hand is needed with the ex and work on looking to a future with or without him but being happy whatever may be. Its just much harder then what I thought it would all be to cut him loose! Yes! You know what to do and what will bring you real happiness. Just like the fOW can't (or shouldn't) trust your stbxh, you can't trust him either. It's hard because you shared a life and he was part of your closest and dearest family. You've had a setback, but the positive side of that, if you keep it in mind, is that you learned your stbxh hasn't really changed and you were right to make him leave. How he is behaving may show feelings for you, but it is mainly feelings for himself that allows him to deceive those he lives with and claims to love. Even if he were begging to come back, it wouldn't mean he had changed or that he would change.
Loni Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I thought your advice to the OP was really great, as for this reply thumbs up but I'll let you in on a little history. The poster you are replying to came on LS and bragged about a little game she liked to play when she would go out. She likes to observe people and she plays judge and jury on strangers she sees that "might" be cheating. She gets a big kick out of it. So..........you are trying to reason with ___, well you get the picture MissBee, sometimes replying is a waste of time. OMG that explains sooooo much. Let me guess, it's the happy couples that she thinks are the cheaters? Does she hand out scarlet A's <snicker>.
Tayla Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I thought your advice to the OP was really great, as for this reply thumbs up but I'll let you in on a little history. The poster you are replying to came on LS and bragged about a little game she liked to play when she would go out. She likes to observe people and she plays judge and jury on strangers she sees that "might" be cheating. She gets a big kick out of it. So..........you are trying to reason with ___, well you get the picture MissBee, sometimes replying is a waste of time. Thank you BB for the heads up on the antagonizer on this thread. Gives for good read to go back and see what this persons mindset is about. I agree that MissBee has been even keel and realistic in responses. To the OP: You will leave the situation when the payoff stops being rewarding. And its in your time, when you have enough pain enough disgust, a light wil come on....Until then keep doing what your doing, you just need to experience this matter full force to get the final AHHA! Moment of Gee why did I even stoop so low, then pick yourself up and grow
MissBee Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I thought your advice to the OP was really great, as for this reply thumbs up but I'll let you in on a little history. The poster you are replying to came on LS and bragged about a little game she liked to play when she would go out. She likes to observe people and she plays judge and jury on strangers she sees that "might" be cheating. She gets a big kick out of it. So..........you are trying to reason with ___, well you get the picture MissBee, sometimes replying is a waste of time. After a few posts I realized this BB...thanks
Author pebbles80 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Wow lots of posts and opinions. Ill start from where I can sorry if I miss anyone's reply or questions out. My stbxh knows that I still love and care about him I always will - he is the father of my children. I know he loves and cares about me in some way and wishes me no bad. I don't know what way as we haven't had a deep emotional conversation. Yes I kicked him out when I discovered the affair. I kicked him out and thought it was best to do so. I thought that he would realise what he was loosing and want forgiveness. In fact I got several months of indecision and to'ing and fro'ing while he couldn't make his mind up before I forced his hand again and told him I wasn't prepared to wait anymore and she could have him. At times during this period he did want to work things out but the OW seemed to have him infatuated with her and her 'problems'. She was asked several times to stay away and let us try to work things out but was always some excuse that only he knew about her violent past relationship, the abortion she was forced to have, her alleged suicide attempt and self harm and he was her only confident. I thought that in time he would see her for what she was a stupid little girl (she is late teens/early 20s) playing games with our lives. She sent me abusive messages and emails - none of which he believed at the time as she 'wouldn't do that' So yes I kicked him out but thought the rose tinted glasses would fall and he would come back. But I also do not heap all the blame at her door, after all he was the married party. I just thought it was some kind of early mid life crisis. I didn't nor did anyone else see it coming he really was the last person you would think to do it. Although from reading lots of affair threads at the time I realise that all BS say this! Would I go back and do things differently? Absolutely. But you live and learn. Am I a different person now to then? Hell yes. Can I now see problems within the marriage which caused all of this? Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing but children come along and trying to live day to day gets in the way. I do not heap all the blame on the fOW I can see that we had problems that we should have discussed and perhaps he did try to talk them through with me at times and I didn't take them seriously enough. But then maybe I am trying to find things that wasn't there or blame everyone but him after all no one forced him did they. When I decided enough was enough I done my best to get on with my life. I showed myself I am strong independent person. Its not that I 'need' a man and have in fact spent lots of time on my own before embarking on any relationship and spent time with my family, friends and children and generally having fun and enjoying life. Its not that he has a hold on me, we know each other really well we spent 12 years together. He knows when I'm down, miserable and upset and knows how to talk me round, make me laugh and make it feel like everything will be OK. The sex is good, we know each other well. I don't feel bad when he goes back to fOW I don't know why that is but I don't. I always practice safe sex too. I really thought that this was more common, your replies suggest that its not the case. It is just real confusion that is in my head, yes the situation is a mess but then all affairs are messy no matter who it be with I would think. A crystal ball to see what he is thinking would be good! You guys have made me realise that I guess yeah he has his cake and is eating it. I am gonna have to be much stronger and look forward thinking what will be will be. Part of me thinks I should fight dirty like she did but then I am not sure where that will get me probably not very far and back to square one. I think a big part of all this is my hatred for the fOW, I want her to know how it feels and see how smug she would be then. I am seeing stbxh some point late this week I think we have to have a bit of a discussion about where this is leading if anywhere and if not break things off. I think we both find it hard to know how to 'be' with each other as exes as when together things just slip back conversation, body language etc we laugh, we joke, we hug, we use nick names, talk about work problems what our friends are up to etc. A couple of mutual friends have commented that its odd to see us together as it seems nothing has changed. Then there is the little 1% in my head saying he is keeping me sweet til our divorce is finished. What will be will be at the end of the day I cant force his hand either way only he knows what he wants - if even he does! It good to get this all out somewhere as I haven't talked this through with anyone its good to see opinions.
Loni Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Wow lots of posts and opinions. Ill start from where I can sorry if I miss anyone's reply or questions out. My stbxh knows that I still love and care about him I always will - he is the father of my children. I know he loves and cares about me in some way and wishes me no bad. I don't know what way as we haven't had a deep emotional conversation. Yes I kicked him out when I discovered the affair. I kicked him out and thought it was best to do so. I thought that he would realise what he was loosing and want forgiveness. In fact I got several months of indecision and to'ing and fro'ing while he couldn't make his mind up before I forced his hand again and told him I wasn't prepared to wait anymore and she could have him. At times during this period he did want to work things out but the OW seemed to have him infatuated with her and her 'problems'. She was asked several times to stay away and let us try to work things out but was always some excuse that only he knew about her violent past relationship, the abortion she was forced to have, her alleged suicide attempt and self harm and he was her only confident. I thought that in time he would see her for what she was a stupid little girl (she is late teens/early 20s) playing games with our lives. She sent me abusive messages and emails - none of which he believed at the time as she 'wouldn't do that' So yes I kicked him out but thought the rose tinted glasses would fall and he would come back. But I also do not heap all the blame at her door, after all he was the married party. I just thought it was some kind of early mid life crisis. I didn't nor did anyone else see it coming he really was the last person you would think to do it. Although from reading lots of affair threads at the time I realise that all BS say this! Would I go back and do things differently? Absolutely. But you live and learn. Am I a different person now to then? Hell yes. Can I now see problems within the marriage which caused all of this? Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing but children come along and trying to live day to day gets in the way. I do not heap all the blame on the fOW I can see that we had problems that we should have discussed and perhaps he did try to talk them through with me at times and I didn't take them seriously enough. But then maybe I am trying to find things that wasn't there or blame everyone but him after all no one forced him did they. When I decided enough was enough I done my best to get on with my life. I showed myself I am strong independent person. Its not that I 'need' a man and have in fact spent lots of time on my own before embarking on any relationship and spent time with my family, friends and children and generally having fun and enjoying life. Its not that he has a hold on me, we know each other really well we spent 12 years together. He knows when I'm down, miserable and upset and knows how to talk me round, make me laugh and make it feel like everything will be OK. The sex is good, we know each other well. I don't feel bad when he goes back to fOW I don't know why that is but I don't. I always practice safe sex too. I really thought that this was more common, your replies suggest that its not the case. It is just real confusion that is in my head, yes the situation is a mess but then all affairs are messy no matter who it be with I would think. A crystal ball to see what he is thinking would be good! You guys have made me realise that I guess yeah he has his cake and is eating it. I am gonna have to be much stronger and look forward thinking what will be will be. Part of me thinks I should fight dirty like she did but then I am not sure where that will get me probably not very far and back to square one. I think a big part of all this is my hatred for the fOW, I want her to know how it feels and see how smug she would be then. I am seeing stbxh some point late this week I think we have to have a bit of a discussion about where this is leading if anywhere and if not break things off. I think we both find it hard to know how to 'be' with each other as exes as when together things just slip back conversation, body language etc we laugh, we joke, we hug, we use nick names, talk about work problems what our friends are up to etc. A couple of mutual friends have commented that its odd to see us together as it seems nothing has changed. Then there is the little 1% in my head saying he is keeping me sweet til our divorce is finished. What will be will be at the end of the day I cant force his hand either way only he knows what he wants - if even he does! It good to get this all out somewhere as I haven't talked this through with anyone its good to see opinions. Bolded point 1: The fact is that he has been gone for 2.5 years and is with her. He is the one who decided he'd rather be with this "stupid little girl" than be with you and your kids. Bolded point 2: Yes, it would appear that he has a hold on you and your post is filled with contradictions. Listen honey, if your husband (who must be around 30 at least) has abandoned you and your children in favor for a teenager it is clear he has major issues. As for you; if you have emails and messages from this young woman that he does not believe forward them to him. Why would you not have done this from the outset? You say she was asked to stay away from your marriage so you could work things out and my question to you is by who? I also have to say that the age discrepancy would suggest that he is the one doing the manipulating of this young girl. You might also want to consider that a grown man living with relatives for 2.5 years and a teenager and slunking over for some random sex with you may not be your best life partner. Glad you are using safe sex because I have a feeling he is doing more than his silly girl and you.
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