(LONG READ, MY FIRST BREAK UP) I was 20, she was 34.....2.5 year relationship

[Youcomebeforeyou]

Never thought i'd be doing this, but i've milked all of my friends and family for insight. My thoughts sometimes still drive me up the wall, looking for sanity...here's my story of love and addiction.

 

(some backround)

3 years ago, I was 20, floundering after high school, didn't have much going, loved to party and hang out with a few friends, recently acquired a job with the airlines as a "stocker" (serviced planes with liquor and snacks), only paid 8 bucks an hr, but it offered flight benefits. Never had a serious girlfriend in highschool, messed around a little bit but never truly experienced **cough cough** intercourse.

 

my grandmother was living out her last weeks, she had two hospice workers, one of them, my ex girlfriend. A 34 yr old woman, a tall, attractive blonde, with a great shape, loves astrology (she showed me charts convincing me we were meant to meet),... she graduated college when i was in 3rd grade. After my grandmother passed, my parents, invited her over on numerous social occasions. One day we went downtown for a food festival. I was a shy young guy, but we had some casual conversation, she was intrigued by my airline job. Off the bat, she said something along the lines off "maybe we could fly to north carolina to visit my aunt!" Now i knew this was kind of weird, since she just met me, but i didn't think much of it.

 

A week later she emailed my dad asking for my number. My father hesitant, didnt like the sound of it at all, but gave her my number anyway.

She called me later that same day, and we just hit it off. I was taking adderal for fun at the time, so i was a real enthusiastic motor mouth about anything. We talked for about an hr, and she invited to me to her apartment later that week. We hung out, she bought some liquor, i got drunk, we saw a movie. I brought some pott to smoke, she was cool with that too! woo-hoo. I drove back to my parents house that night because i had a curfew.

 

i found out she didnt have a social life at all, no female friends, how could this shy attractive but charming woman not have any friends???

 

she had one friend though, a guy in his late 50's, obsessed with her still, they were together for 3 years, 2 years before we met...this guy was her only friend, but he was merely a lonely old guy who was left in the dust when she decided to "move on" and get her own apartment...but her hippy philosophical old man know it all , constantly encouraging a "flightier thought pattern" for her to embrace.

 

i should of caught the "no friend thing" as a RED FLAG

 

She invited me over a few days later, I got drunk...We started to "make out"...out of the blue she asks me (i can remember this as vivid as yesterday)..."want to have sex?"....Inside my head, I had a panic attack, i never really had sex before! We went into her room, we got naked, i climbed on top of her and i couldn't get it up...(AWKWARD)...she brushed it off as nothing and proceeded to oral...need i say more...

 

this sex anxiety went on for two months after we got together...but during i was receiving constant oral at the end of everynight...after awhile she expressed concern and she thought i wasn't "turned on"...that wasnt the case, i was just overwhelmed, i had spent the majority of my time getting off to porn and low and behold I have a real woman in front of me, literally begging for sex...i was embarased and felt very inadequate..she blamed my pott smoking saying it was corrupting my bodily functions...should of blamed my porn usage for phsycologically destroying my comprehension of sex.

 

but one day it all changed...its like something clicked...from that day forward i was obsessed with sex...we had sex every day...(she was on "unemployment" looking for a job)..she gave me oral all the time too, even on a plane... we commonly had sex 2 or 3 times a day...once 7 times in a day...and what made it even better was i got to smoke weed in her apartment all day!!!...she even smoked weed occasionally with me, ...i got to smoke weed before and after sex...I was high on sex and weed literally everyday!!!

 

TALK ABOUT BEING IN HEAVEN.....(couldnt be farther from the reality)

 

we met in july 08'...november rolled around and she decided to give cosmetology school a whirl...no more sex all day ( it changed to just sex after school)...she was gone 1-10pm every day...

 

but during these days my demons took over...

 

I found this niche for flipping certain cars...Id make 400-800 a week consistently doing little to no work, feeling content with myself, i indulged in my pleasures...id roll blunts and smoke all day, id tweak on adderal and go on facebook...then i got the bright idea to create a facebook and just have girls on it....I was addicted to sex, it was my new fun toy...i was extremely curious and felt like it was an okay way to indulge without "actually cheating"...i chatted with a ton of girls "my age" ...flirting, sex chatting...some even wanted to meet up... but i could never bring myself to doing that...

 

july 09 rolls around...i left it logged in on her computer by accident and she opens it,,,,she sends me a text telling me to get all my **** and get out...i text her back acting oblivious...begging her, telling her she's over reacting,,,,she called me every wrong word in the book, and i did vice versa...i refused to call it quits with her.....................after she got off school that night her aunt gave her the idea to call the police on me so I'd "stay away from her"...i never made any violent threats prior, never hit or abused her ever,....i went to the apartment that night to get my stuff, but i lingered around waiting for her to come back so i could see her...cops roll up on me...harass me...find a weed pipe in my car and i go to jail...

 

i get out of jail.......i get ahold of her 3 days later....we cried in eachothers arms and get back together, i felt so horrible and blamed drugs as my excuse. out of loneliness and love, she accepted this excuse as valid...

 

but things were never the same again...

 

now i was on probation and forced to be weed free. my only "high" was now the sex. we still constantly had sex, but now although claiming to forgive me, she's constantly paranoid i'm "talking to women"....always mentioning at nearly every conceiveable moment...if i missed her call, it had to be because i was "talkin to women"....any spam email I recieved from those retarded dating sites were REAL emails to her...she literally couldnt distinguish spam and junk mail,,, she'd beg me to read my emails and raise hell over junkmail...

 

but i put it up with..why wouldnt I?...she was my EGO, my life, her image made my cool in everyone elses eye's, so i dealt with it..and afterall i told myself i brought it opon myself in the first place....

 

life was pretty much like this for a year..we made love but she always held a grudge...the probabation kept me sober for a year...life for me was selling cars, going home to my woman and screwing...and i was completely content with it...

 

her 36th birthday she graduates cosmetology school gets a job at a salon...she becomes obsessed with her hair color, insisting i love women with darker hair, she gets hired and complains...she hates the hours, she hates the clients...she hates her life...

 

she couldnt never handle her money, he parents constantly helped her out, they cashed out a brand new honda civic for her, yet refused to help pay her insurance (weird)...she would ask for money and id help out,,but when she was addicted to Victorias Secret and random make up products, i found it hard to give her my money when she was constantly wasting hers, not to mention bleeding her parents for money.

 

she now thinks of me in a black/white perspective...one moment im her loving boyfriend...the next im that cheater,,,im that scapegoat, im the reason her life is ****, im the reason she gets traffic tickets (she blamed me for 2 speeding tickets), im the reason shes "gaining weight", i'm the reason she has new wrinkles, im the reason for everything bad....How could i be? the night before i took you out to eat, we had sex

?

there was violence between us, one time while i was driving i looked over at a woman in the car next to us who happened to be attractive, she hit me hard in the face, WHILE DRIVING...i knew this was AWFUL, but due to what i had done to her in the past...i felt i deserved it in a weird way, i felt guilty.

 

the year progresses and I catch her reading self help books...writing down weird things like " i want the fatt from my thighs to go to my breasts" 50 times on looseleeve...I thought it was weird, but it was my typical quirky Julie, obsessed with Astrology amongst other things, i didn't pay it much mind.

 

i adopt a stray kitty from my parents neighborhood, i convince her to keep it at the apartment and i'll take care of it...i do....but she go's back and forth from loving the cat to, "im going a new direction in my life and i cant have this cat around"..."this cat is making me sick its unhealthy"...yet the night before he'd be our "baby kitty" she'd text me pictures of.

 

phew, anyway....

 

Her 37th birthday rolls around (march 11'), and she wants to visit her aunt in NC...things have became relatively stable between us, though we didnt text like we use to, didnt talk on the phone like we use to...but fell into a normal routine where every day felt the same,,,,but i was content with it... we were complacent, i always assumed things would elevate between us,,, i was saving more money and getting really good at flipping cars, i imagined being able to actually really help take care of her like a real man should, i figured we'd have the best summer yet to come...

 

i take her out to eat and she leaves for vacation the next day..she calls me everyday she's there when on the 5th day of her vacation (her birthday)...she ignores me all day...sends me a text saying "some emotional things were brought up" ill tell you tomorrow.."turning phone off now"

 

I PANIC... I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG THIS TIME. I go into complete panic mode...how could she do this?????? i thought everything was fine???? WHATS GOING ON????

 

sends me a cold email the next day saying she's had a "powerful awakening" and is on a "different path in life that doesnt include you"..."get your things and the cat out of the apartment by Sunday noon"....she says she doesnt want to communicate for two weeks....

i knew she moved in with her aunt to live for FREE, and embrace her aunts hippy astrology personality that she so loved herself, her aunt is also lonely, divorced, and in her 50's

two weeks go by and i do some serious thinking, i send her an email acknowledging the break up, telling her it was the right thing to do, that i love her and miss her and regret all the mistakes i made with her...

 

she sends me a friendly email back saying "I MISS YOU SO MUCH IM CRYING WHILE TYPING THIS, THIS IS THE HARDEST THING IVE EVER DONE!"....saying its the best thing for us yada yada blah blah blah....

 

i write her poetic emails of her reliving our best times, she responds saying "i feel exactly the same way maybe 6 months down the line we can talk things through and get back together i just need to do this for me"

 

another week gos by and i ask her to see her one last time, before she go's

she responds "DAVID YOU WASTED NO TIME GETTING BACK INTO THE DATING SCENE SO DONT BOTHER DOUBLE TIMING ME BECAUSE I DONT NEED THAT"

 

i had no idea what she meant by this...but then i figured out it must of been because she facebook stalked me...i opened up a legititmate facebook with a handful of real friends, not sluts, to talk to and help cope with the break up, these were all old friends, i was looking for help, not a freaking hook up.

 

so i figured, she considers this facebook as "Getting back into the dating scene"

 

i dont here from her after this via email, on FRIDAY she runs up to my parents house, drops my dvds off i left at her apartment, runs to her car, speeds away, then sends me a text saying "HEY COME CLEAN WITH ME HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU CHEATED ON ME I THINK I SAW YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!"

 

i have no idea what to think now, i never physically cheated on her, i never even saw or took anyone out? what the **** is she talking about??? who did she see lol????

 

weirdly enough that text transcends into casual texting, where she's asking me about what im doing, where im living, what ive been up to the whole 9 yards....she ends it abruptly and says "talk to you in a few weeks or you can write me!!"...now she's cheery!

 

weeks go by and i text her "happy Easter", we text and so forth, a week after that we talk on the phone for the first time in two months, we talk for about an hr, it was somewhat awkward but cordial and polite, we acted non-chalant over everything, it was kind of weird, i wished her luck in her upcoming salon interview (yeah there was no "new path", same career)..after that talk we text eachother every day for a week...

 

she's constantly being manic, one day texting like old times, the next saying we shouldnt talk to eachother anymore, constantly flip flopping...

 

when finally one night, her old ways creep out again as if we're still together

 

"who are ya chattn with tonight, any of your rachels or christinas??"....2 girls i never had a relationship with, they flirted with me at times but both were currently in long term relationships...I responded to her "no dont be silly they have boyfriends, i want my julie"...to this her response was

 

"THATS IT DAVID DONT EVER EMAIL ME, TEXT ME, OR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN YOUR A LIAR AND PHONY AS ALWAY"

 

i was in awe...she came to this conclusion because they were friends on my facebook,.., when i texted disgusted i was over her reaction and how immature it was, then she called me 3 times.... i ignored them because i knew it wouldnt be good...

 

she then texted me "**** you ****n coward go jack off"

 

 

and that was the last time i heard from her........

 

weird

 

she taught me what love was, she showed me was true caring was about, she was my first real relationship....im haunted by the shameful things i did behind her back....i hate how i subtly evolved into viewing her as an object of sex, i hate how sex took over.

 

i hate the way it ended...i thought we could of always remained friends...., i hate how my addiction in the way of our relationship....i hate the way we took each other for granted at times...i hate the fact things got so weird and paranoid between us..

 

im in the process of moving on, i took spring classes and got good grades, i proved myself academically which i havent done in years, it felt great, and i knew she would of been proud of me, she always validated the good things i did. she made me feel whole.

 

im rebuilding my life, im excited by the future, but im haunted by the past, i know our age gap would make a successful long term relationship impossible, especially in regards to having children, but i never pictured it ending

 

now that my mind is more clear than ever, i miss her more than ever, i feel like i have it all but my women...i havent contacted her since she refused to speak with me in May....

 

should it be no contact for good??? i really want to say loving things to her and let her know all the realizations ive came to...i just want to let her know ill always be there for her... after all her weirdness and quirks and extreme irrationality...........i miss her more than ever

 

oh well im only 23...

 

thats my life story....i wish i could give you a cookie if you read the entire thing

Edited June 28, 2011 by Youcomebeforeyou

[PelicanPete]

That was very long, but a very good story and well worth the read! Barely even noticed the length

 

As for advice you seem to be on the right track. This woman sounds dillusional and confused, so nothing good will come from staying in contact with her for either of you. If you have to get feelings out, write letters you'll never send, vent on LS, just get all of the emotions out of yourself and on paper or in some other healthy way.

 

You'll find you'll want to contact her a lot within the next few months, but contacting her will only set you back. Even when you eventually stop caring you'll still have urges to contact her out of habit. Replace your old habits with new ones, it sounds like you're already doing so!

 

And it's just a time in your life, not your whole life . Keep doing what you're doing and you'll be happy.

[FreeNow]

She screams borderline personality disorder!

 

She didn't teach you what love was all about. She taught you what SEX was all about. Some people suffering from BPD have the potential to provide the best sex on the planet. Unfortunately, they can screw your head up completely.

 

Love is yet to come for you. It isn't with that one or any girl that pops even one of those extreme red flags.

 

 

If you ever end up texting or emailing with her again, gnaw your own hands off to get away.

If you ever end up even talking to her again, gnaw your own ear off to get away.

If you ever end up having sex with her again, gnaw your own pecker off to get away.

 

 

My man, you dodged one of the deadliest critters on the planet and you don't seem to realize. Enjoy the good memories of sex but leave that girl alone!

[OhMittens]

I read the whole thing, so where's my cookie

 

Anyways you should do what you can to avoid this woman. You are young and you need to get your own life in order. I'd suggest therapy for you to help you deal with this end of this relationship and to help you figure out what attracted you to this. You can have good sex with people who are emotionally stable

[Youcomebeforeyou]

thanks everyone

She screams borderline personality disorder!

If you ever end up texting or emailing with her again, gnaw your own hands off to get away.

If you ever end up even talking to her again, gnaw your own ear off to get away.

If you ever end up having sex with her again, gnaw your own pecker off to get away.

this could be the best advice ever...

 

but you're right, i dont think i realize what I've escaped from, infact sometimes i wish she moved back.....(i must be an idiot)

 

she cried when our Michigan republican govenor was elected because "you dont understand everythings going to be horrible"...she literally cried, i couldn't believe my eyes...

 

During our last months, AFTER SEX, she'd sometimes say "you just want me for the sex", because after I'd go in the living room and watch tv,... she'd lock herself in her bedroom and read a "learn to love your life" book...On another odd note, she'd say I'd "give her yeast" and make her "itch"...she'd seemed to randomly pull this out whenever she felt like it...

 

...I feel this sense of guilt, like I took advantage of her, like i didnt show her enough affection and i DID use her...my parents said she took advantage of me...But i know for sure she took advantage of HER parents, one moment they were the worst parents in THE WORLD, the next moment she'd be calling them up for rent money and presents.

 

and i know this is abnormal behavior for a grown woman approaching her late 30's..

 

I'm still going through this phase of "self torture" and "woulda, shoulda,couldas"...i know i can't rewind the hands of time but I seem to be obsessed with trying to change the past. Or now, I feel "ive changed", I have this fantasy of a new beginning with her...I Need to be brainwashed...AGAIN lol.

 

I know exactly why I became obsessed with her, she gave me this false sense of accomplishment and maturity....quiet the opposite for her, i made her feel youthful again...(we both lived in false realities)...She's stuck in this mentality she's still 22, I remember she'd go to the bar with her 20 something cosmo girls and how silly and awkward she'd look in their bar pics they'd post on facebook....anyway

 

I thoroughly enjoy the memories of good sex, problem being is I get sick when i think about her giving it to someone else...i guess this the reality of break ups I need to understand.

 

...My dad says to "grow a pair and move on"...my mother says "let her be someone elses problem"... I should listen to both of them...

 

this woman obviously isn't a keeper, but I'm still attached and feel like she's my "one & only love".....but you guys are right, I still don't know what love is...

 

thanks for reading my story and thanks for the advice everyone

 

it helps to vent but i need to move on

[Youcomebeforeyou]

It's all downhill from this.

 

It will never get any better.

 

(Trust me.)

 

At least you were there, once upon a time. 28th June 2011 6:46 PM

lol...i was such a bum...