manup Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I'm just curious, are there things like thrill seeking, prior promiscuity, number of sexual partners, family history, low self esteem that can be targeted and identified in a person or avoided all together when seeking a potential long term partner?
RepairMinded Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 No, something more fundamental--the overall conceptual approach to the world that cheaters have seems to be "different." I think the characteristics you have provided or more like "secondary" characteristics of many cheaters, but not necessarily "fundamental." For one thing, dishonesty is a way of life with most cheaters. It infuses every aspect of how they relate to other people, the world, and themselves. Selfishness is also another core personality trait of cheaters. As with dishonesty, it infuses every aspect of how they relate to the world. They also tend to rationalize very heavily to justify their behavior. A person can have low self esteem, or be a thrill seeker, or have been promiscuous, but will not necessarily be a cheater. Dishonesty, selfishness, and rationalization can permit a person to justify excessive promiscuity, however.
Author manup Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Thanks, is it dishonesty about everything, or certain subjects? I really want to pin point what to look for, or signs. Also would marriage counseling be a deterrent to cheating and marital problem of utilized early in the marriage or long term relationship. It seems like everyone gets it after dday or whenever **** has really hit the fan. Why not use it before?
rafallus Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 thrill seeking, Maybe. prior promiscuity, maybe. If it's history of cheating, then definitely. number of sexual partners, No. If you are their only partner, they may be curious, what it's like with another man. family history, Probably. low self esteem Very definitely.
Woggle Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Lack of accountability An inability to be happy in a normal and healthy relationship
trippi1432 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Lack of accountability An inability to be happy in a normal and healthy relationship I think that part above says it all to be honest.
freestyle Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Inability to be happy without using external validation. Some, not all are truly dishonest Some, not all are not dishonest, but rationalize cheating in marriage (the exception) Low self-esteem is almost universal Family of origin (very important) This was the first thing that popped into my head, as well.Those whose sense of self, and self-esteem is contingent upon receiving admiration from others are likely candidates to be wayward...... My observation about people like that is that they can't hear the voice of their OWN conscience---they're focused on listening for compliments from others........ It's kinda sad...
freestyle Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Pierre, have you ever heard of Histrionic Personality Disorder? When women are affected by it, they have a continual need for attention from men, their entire sense of self-esteem depends on it. If you read on it a bit, you might find that your ex-wife ticks a lot of the boxes----that is, if you're interested---I can totally understand that you might wish to leave all of that in your rearview mirror, so to speak.......
Spark1111 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Inability to be happy without using external validation. Some, not all are truly dishonest Some, not all are not dishonest, but rationalize cheating in marriage (the exception) Low self-esteem is almost universal Family of origin (very important) Add in conflict avoidance (hate to have anyone angry or upset with them) which leads to poor communications skills about needs. You are expected, as their partner, to deduce what they need and give it to them. When you do not, they grow angry or distant from you. Their unmet needs become your fault. They then seek having those needs met elsewhere, (conflict avoidance) and do not/cannot tell you (poor communication and compartmentalizing).
Spark1111 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Pierre, have you ever heard of Histrionic Personality Disorder? When women are affected by it, they have a continual need for attention from men, their entire sense of self-esteem depends on it. If you read on it a bit, you might find that your ex-wife ticks a lot of the boxes----that is, if you're interested---I can totally understand that you might wish to leave all of that in your rearview mirror, so to speak....... Freestyle, I have been reading up on this lately. Drama queens, often pathological lying is associated with Histrionic, and rediculously seductive, often with strangers, easy prey, to get the attention they crave. Daddy (absent or punishing) issues.
silktricks Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I'm just curious, are there things like thrill seeking, prior promiscuity, number of sexual partners, family history, low self esteem that can be targeted and identified in a person or avoided all together when seeking a potential long term partner? it's really hard for me to believe that someone would ask this question, as I don't believe I've ever met anyone who married a person because they figured their personality wouldn't allow them to cheat in the future.... it definitely seems like a bass-ackwards way to move into life or love. That said, are the personality quirks that could be in a person who could cheat? sure there are. The problem is that saying a person could possibly cheat is not the same as saying a person will probably cheat. There are very few people on the face of the earth who do not exhibit some if not most of the behaviors that cheaters exhibit. So here's some I'm aware of: controlling behavior desire/need to manipulate others to their own advantage either extremely high self-esteem or extremely low self-esteem high-risk behavior (but on the other hand, many people satisfy their desire for risk/excitement by other activities) good (well used) lying skills selfishness avoids conflict but the list goes on.....
2sure Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 In my experience, people who cheat are unable to make themselves happy. They think someone else needs to do that for them. But of course no one else can.
Author manup Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 To each his own, I don't believe in true love. I believe in finding a woman I can respect and my love will grow from there. Obviously attraction is important, but it' not everything. Besides love is just chemical triggers in the brain and it can be met by multiple people. Love is about the dumbest reason to do something especially if there are giant red flags. There is probably someone out there without those red flags who will trigger the same chemical releases.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 it's really hard for me to believe that someone would ask this question, as I don't believe I've ever met anyone who married a person because they figured their personality wouldn't allow them to cheat in the future.... it definitely seems like a bass-ackwards way to move into life or love. That said, are the personality quirks that could be in a person who could cheat? sure there are. The problem is that saying a person could possibly cheat is not the same as saying a person will probably cheat. There are very few people on the face of the earth who do not exhibit some if not most of the behaviors that cheaters exhibit. So here's some I'm aware of: controlling behavior desire/need to manipulate others to their own advantage either extremely high self-esteem or extremely low self-esteem high-risk behavior (but on the other hand, many people satisfy their desire for risk/excitement by other activities) good (well used) lying skills selfishness avoids conflict but the list goes on..... So true! Then again- you can pick an innocent virgin who has never done a thing wrong and they may be apt to cheat. You just never know.
Cabin Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Ok personally, I think there is no way to answer the original question without sweeping generalizations that don't mean much when assessing each individual person... 60% of men and 40% of women admit infidelity during marriage. That's roughly half the population. So trying to find the few traits that can help you identify HALF THE POPULATION seems a bit silly to me. I suppose you could start by saying one of the traits of cheaters is that they are human, and often male or female.
Author manup Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Ok personally, I think there is no way to answer the original question without sweeping generalizations that don't mean much when assessing each individual person... 60% of men and 40% of women admit infidelity during marriage. That's roughly half the population. So trying to find the few traits that can help you identify HALF THE POPULATION seems a bit silly to me. I suppose you could start by saying one of the traits of cheaters is that they are human, and often male or female. Let me guess you've cheated on someone. And I bet you found those inflated stats to make yourself seem more "human." What a joke.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) Let me guess you've cheated on someone.Yes, she has. Ok personally, I think there is no way to answer the original question without sweeping generalizations that don't mean much when assessing each individual person...Sweeping generalisations are done all the time...in pretty much every field. Who the eff has time to precisely interview everybody in the entire world? You either have something or nothing to help assess each individual. Then again- you can pick an innocent virgin who has never done a thing wrong and they may be apt to cheat. You just never know. Very true. There are no guarantees in life. Tomorrow, you might stab a guy in the eye with a screwdriver. I mean that seriously. But I don't doubt that some cheaters have similar traits. Needs more study I think. Edited July 1, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
Mr.Harris Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 you can tell who the cheaters are ITT they are the ones saying cheating doesnt have traits. And there's a few of them on this thread already. Cheaters do have traits. Sure we won't be able to stop one from cheating on us, but if you're interested in a woman who likes to tramp around in the club drinking wine all night and looks at her feet and nails 24/7, you know if you marry her you're in deep cow dung. If you're interested in a woman who has had multiple sexual partners, and is needy, then you know if you marry her you're in deep cow dung. Cheaters have many obvious traits. Some not obvious and may take some time to see.
Mr.Harris Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 In my experience, people who cheat are unable to make themselves happy. They think someone else needs to do that for them. But of course no one else can. And that includes those who involve themselves with cheaters.
Joe Normal Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Main two red flags for cheating: i) they cheated in the past ii) they are very unsatisfied with some aspects of their current relationship So, avoid people who cheated before, and try to keep your lover(s) satisfied. That way you increase your chances of getting a loyal partner.
wheelwright Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Main two red flags for cheating: i) they cheated in the past ii) they are very unsatisfied with some aspects of their current relationship So, avoid people who cheated before, and try to keep your lover(s) satisfied. That way you increase your chances of getting a loyal partner. I really agree with this. It cites both something you can roughly know about, plus something you can change. I gave xH lots of 'warning' about my unhappinness before I cheated. I am on the whole fairly honest, though my record looks bad right now. Find a fairly honest person, and treat them really well. Bob's your uncle.
wheelwright Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 While it is a very good thing you told him (multiple times), you still ended up hurting not only him and your family, but someone else. I feel raw about hurting people, believe me. In fact I went through life prior to A trying to live so I hurt no-one, including myself. I never wanted to make anyone feel bad, and the times when this was importantly in conflict with truth, I went for not hurting every time. I now see truth as far more important, and hurt being more about ego. My ego, and the awareness of others'. Hurt is not the be all and end all anymore to me. Truth and finding ways to be good beyond my own cowardice are more important.
wheelwright Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 So what happened? Just gave up, eh? Yes. It doesn't work. You have to be true to your soul first.
wheelwright Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 First though you have to possess a soul to be true to. That implies having something resembling a "conscience" which you obviously don't have, based on your admission in the other thread that you never actually loved your husband. What kind of a conniving soulless person would marry someone else and pretend to love them? Tell us please? What's it like to be a soulless, cheating deceiver? You must have got bored with this particular cheater, because as every fisherman knows, the bait has to look attractive
rafallus Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I gave xH lots of 'warning' about my unhappiness before I cheated.You know, that if murderer said "I have given him enough warnings before I shot him in the face", it wouldn't stop him from being guilty either way? In fact I went through life prior to A trying to live so I hurt no-one, including myself.Do or don't. There is no try. Yes. It doesn't work. You have to be true to your soul first. So, not wanting to hurt no-one wasn't true to your soul, hurting is instead? This is pretty entertaining actually, how you run in circles.
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