Whipple Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I received some excellent advice in this thread regarding my boyfriend and his lack of emotional display. Quankanne recommended Chapman's Five Languages of Love, which I've heard about before in passing but I really should read more about it. Anyway, I was searching for info about i and I came across the main website for the book and it had an interesting quiz on there. It takes about 5-10 min and the results show you which in languages of love you are most proficient. Here were my scores: 2 Words of Affirmation 10 Quality Time 3 Receiving Gifts 5 Acts of Service 10 Physical Touch The larger the number, the more you use that "language" to "communicate" love to your partner. I'm honestly not too surprised with my results. I'm a very touchy-feely person and enjoy spending time doing whatever with my boyfriend. Unfortunately these two are hard to come by in an LDR But it gives me something to think about in terms of what I want in a relationship and what is compatible with my "language." I'm assuming that someone who would be compatible with me in this area would also score high in the same languages as I did. Has anyone else heard or know anything about 5 Love Languages or read the book? I'd love to hear opinions on this topic. Here's the website in case anyone else is interested or wants to take the quiz: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
quankanne Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 wow, I didn't think to check the site, just did the test at the back of the book! My Scores 8 Words of Affirmation 5 Quality Time 3 Receiving Gifts 3 Acts of Service 11 Physical Touch wow – I knew I'd rank high on physical touch, but honestly? I thought I'd score higher on quality time because that's the subject of some of our arguments, I don't think he chooses to spend enough time with me. that said, I would say that his high marks would be words of affirmation and acts of service, because those things are important to him. Reading the book helped me realize that the love is very much there even though we express it in different ways. And to be honest, reading the book helped me changed my whole outlook on our marriage because I realized his not responding to me the way I wanted didn't mean he didn't care about me, just that he expressed those feelings differently. we have our moments when doubt rears its ugly face, but they've become fewer and fewer thanks to what I've learned from that one book alone!
quankanne Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 BTW ... we were in a LDR for two years, after dating off and on about a year ... and we just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. So, it's definitely possible
vsmini Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Ehhhh - A friend and I have both read this book at different points in our lives. We discovered, together, that we had read it and we discussed it. We both found that though it was helpful to us - we excused a lot of our partner's behavior as simple "oh well we just don't have the same love language." We both came to that conclusion. Though our ex's and ourselves had different "languages" so to speak - both of us somewhat excused the fact that our ex's were emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobes - simply because we didn't share the same language. Pshhha! Of course our ex's weren't so obvious about it at the time and we ignored the red flags - rarely it's just plain as day that a guy is pulling some shady business - even when you're on the look out. Be careful not to get too caught up in it. Some things are cool about love languages but I found that it can't explain much about the inner workings of your relationship.
Teknoe Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I have the book. Great read, great book to have on the shelf.
hendersongirl Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I got: 8 Words of Affirmation 7 Quality Time 0 Receiving Gifts 3 Acts of Service 12 Physical Touch Very interesting indeed... I thought I didn't much like physical contact, but in answering the questions I realised actually I do, I just don't like it from people I barely know or don't like. This actually makes sense, if it means more to me then it's extra awkward and uncomfortable when it's coming from someone I don't want it from. And when I think about it, when I'm interested in someone I do crave physical contact with him/her above all else. Hmmm. The others are no surprise. I always feel awkward when receiving gifts or "Acts of Service." I much prefer to give them. I've never understood people who feel slighted when they don't receive a good enough gift. I have a good friend who is like that - she almost broke up with two different boyfriends over it. It always seemed so ungrateful to me. I guess she is just a "Receiving Gifts" sort of girl.
LittleTiger Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 (edited) Whipple, I would recommend you actually read the book to understand the premise behind the love languages and why they are useful to know. It's not really about finding someone with a compatible love language. If you try to do that, as well as finding someone compatible in every other way that's important, you will be cutting down the possibility of finding Mr Right even further. Understanding our love languages is important as an aid to communication, the same as any other language. If the only language you speak is English you will struggle to communicate with someone whose only language is Spanish, French or German. In fact, they could speak 20 or more other languages but if you only understand English, you still can't communicate with them. So the idea is that you find out what your partner's major love languages are ie 'what makes them feel loved' and 'how they show love' and you learn to communicate with them in that way. It's also possible that what makes one individual feel loved, is not necessarily the way in which they naturally show love. Therefore, making the relationship work on this level is about communicating each other's needs and learning to speak the other person's love language - which sometimes involves a bit of effort. My own partner, for instance, feels loved with physical touch and words of affirmation, but he shows love by acts of service, giving gifts and to a lesser extent physical touch. I, on the other hand, feel loved with physical touch and quality time (not easy in a LDR!) and I score zero on receiving gifts. I show love with physical touch and words of affirmation. The physical touch is a great match of course (when we're together) but the distance, coupled with him being extremely busy, means I don't get enough quality time with him. I've had to learn that the things he does for me (which are substantial in both effort and number) show me that he loves me. He also gives me a lot of gifts, which in my own love language means nothing to me, but I now understand that it's his way of expressing love. For him, it's a bit easier because I show love in the same way that he feels it and even from a distance I can shower him with words of affirmation. Personally, I think the love languages are a great way of looking at a relationship and they've certainly helped me. If I hadn't learned to understand my partner's languages, I don't think my relationship would have survived this far. Edited June 28, 2011 by LittleTiger
Banker Chick Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I have this book and when I read it, it was an eye opener for me. It seemed things clicked in my brain when I realized my boyfriend and I were not the same love language and it was obvious because I recognized immediately what was his and what was mine and how we were not appreciating each other as much because of the difference. It's been very helpful in my relationship.
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