whatdoido1717 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Life is awesome! 3 months ago I was in the back of my work vehicle in the fetal position balling my eyes out... ...yeah, that's embarrassing, but luckily you guys, my companions in pain, know exactly what that feels like... ...and today, I wanna let you know, it is all gone. The background of my story is pretty in depth, and can be read here: "A Good Way to Kill 20 Minutes," but basically, I was dumped and I felt hopeless and was, without a doubt, in the worst spot of my life. I have seen many posts here asking "how long does it take to get over a break up," and numerous posts asking for advice on how to move on, the power of No Contact (NC), and things that can be done to help ease the pain/further the healing process along. So, for those of you that have to know the exact amount of time, well it took me about three months to feel this good. However, how long it took me to get over my Ex and my situation is not a good barometer for how long it will take you to heal. Nobody has the answer to that question, sorry. Ah, that agonizing pain, I can still vividly remember those first few weeks and I certainly empathize with those of you on here that are fresh out of your break up. As I mentioned above, I was certainly unbelievably lost in that pain, but folks, think of yourself as, and I really hope you all are with me on this, the little kid, David, in the YouTube video, " ." Right now you are in a complete haze and you cannot see clearly. That is you asking, with dread in your voice, "is this going to last forever?" I am here, playing the role of father in this reenactment, assuring you, so confidently that I have a smile on my face, that no, this is not forever. And in all of our cases on this forum, it most certainly will get better. Don't forget that... YOU: "So, whatdoido1717, since you are such a "know-it-all" now, what did you do exactly to move on and be so f&@*##* happy?!" ...Woah, calm down. I certainly do not have all the answers and am no "know-it-all" but I do want to share with you some of the things that helped me move on and why. They may or may not pertain to you or your situation so just take what I have to say at face value. After all, I am just some 26 year old dude in Oregon (and that is pronounced Or-E-Gun, NOT Or-E-GONE, thank you)... Okay, I didn't do this first, but I should have. Go get in your car or on your bike or grab your remote. Whether you have Netflix or gotta go to some Redbox, or you are cheap and are going to just pirate it on your computer, I don't care, figure out a way to watch the movie Swingers. Right now, you are most likely resembling Jon Favreau to some extent. I want you to envision yourself as Vince Vaughn. It may not be your style to be so "brass" but, in a nut shell, your thinking needs to go from Favreau's to Vaughn's, at which point you will have moved on, or in the words of Vaughn you'll be, "GROWNS UP! YOU'RE GROWNS UP AND YOU'RE GROWNS UP AND YOU'RE GROWNS UP!" Okay, that step was easy, good job. This next step, not so much. In fact, this was one of the hardest things for me to do, and I know it will be for you too, but we have to have a little chat about Facebook (insert vomiting noise here). Hey, where are you going? Get back here. No, don't minimize this tab to go to your Facebook one! STOP IT! GET OFF HER PAGE! Ohp, there you go, see, was it worth it? Do you like that new picture of her and her new boy? Do you?! Didn't think so! People, Facebook sucks. Period. You don't need Farmville. Don't tell me you have to have it to stay connected to old friends. If you want to "connect" with old friends, try calling them, writing "happy birthday" on their wall once a year is not "staying connected." You just don't need it. I say be bold and deactivate your Facebook immediately. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be forever, but hell, why don't you trust me, and try if for 30 Days. If I have wasted your time, then you can send me a Private Message and cuss me out for causing you to miss out on whatever it is you think you missed out on. The truth is, you won't be missing out on anything. Maybe one or two David After Dentist type videos, but trust me, what I am pushing you to try is worth more than that. No conversations about whether or not you should unfriend her or block her or just be strong. Right now, you aren't strong enough. Sorry. If you unfriend her or are already unfriended, you will sit around and look at her profile picture until it changes. Sweet life, I know, I did it for a long time. ...If she blocks you or doesn't upload a picture that makes your stomach turn in knots soon enough then you can do what I did too, and go look for pain somewhere else on Facebook. Hhhmm, let's see, I've checked her ex's page, some of her friend's, and her family's. Wow, we've become pretty adept Facebook stalkers over here. <--- THIS WAS A TOTAL WASTE OF MY TIME!! DEACTIVATE YOUR FACEBOOK! DON'T LOG IN ON YOUR FRIEND'S ACCOUNT! DON'T CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT BLOCKING/UNFRIENDING/NOTHING AT ALL WILL BE FINE! Again, I am only here trying to help you because it has been asked so many times before. Just get rid of it all together for a while, life will go on without you on Facebook. The faster you do this, the faster you will be happy again. Jesus, I am tired of talking about it already. So what about this No Contact thing? Yeah, sorry, it works. And to be honest, if you are still checking their Facebook page (unfriended or not), you are NOT following No Contact. It is imperative that you do not fall victim to what has been coined around here as "breadcrumbs" so if you can't handle getting these messages or if you are gonna get hammered and contact them then you need to figure out what you need to do right now to avoid these situations. Block their number? Do it if you have to. Now, I am going to be honest, I broke No Contact in a big way once, but I did it after a lot of thought and I certainly am not recommending it but at the same time, I want to be honest because what I did, DID HELP although it may not have been the popular decision around here. I mailed my Ex a letter about 2 months after the break up. Most of it was centered around "happiness" as it pertained to her life and her struggles (Depression, Drug Addiction, Alcoholism), but it also included many of my personal feelings. I was prepared 100% for no answer or an angry response and most importantly, and if you are thinking about doing something similar, IT CANNOT BE DONE WITH ANY, AND I MEAN ANY, AMOUNT OF HOPE FOR RECONCILIATION BEHIND IT. That is certainly not why I sent mine and if that is part of your reasoning, then put that letter away. And I know it is easy to, but DO NOT LIE TO YOURSELF ABOUT THIS, if you are sending something as a way to break NC in hopes of getting a response, even if there is only 1% of you that wants a response, DON'T DO IT. With that being said, and hopefully made clear, sending this letter was a huge load off my shoulders. I was harboring a lot of pain for her and her life (again see story if that confuses you) and a lot of regret and guilt. Whether a letter was fair or not, it certainly helped alleviate those feelings to some extent. So, as I said in the beginning, my advice may or may not pertain to you, so don't read this as an excuse to go send you Ex a letter, in general and for the most part, I don't recommend it. Stay No Contact and tie up all your loose ends early in the break up (ie getting your stuff back, or getting the money she owes you, or figuring out particular arrangements, etc) so they do not linger around and give you reasons to contact your Ex. You are simply not gonna heal if you are still in contact with your Ex, they are making it hard enough to move on by being on your mind all the time, don't make it worse by actually being in contact with them. They are not the center of your world, and they never should have been, and nothing they say to you will make you feel better. It's on you to feel better. BOOM! You are doing great! This was the most important element in moving on for me. Eat Healthy and Workout. In the 3 months since the B/U, well, to be quite blunt, I got ripped up. I dropped 25 lbs of fat and have gotten back into the healthy lifestyle I once enjoyed. The benefits of proper nutrition and physical fitness are limitless: improved energy, an avenue to vent your frustrations in a healthy manner, improved physical appearance, improved confidence, attention from the opposite sex, BETTER sex. People, life is just better and more fun when you are healthy and fit. I think about how I didn't eat because I was so distraught. I think about how I sat in my apartment in front of my computer and ate my feelings. Damn, that was all wasted time. To be honest, I don't really care if you are not the workout type or if you love your cheeseburgers. It is not that hard. Can you really not dedicate 30 minutes a day to doing some sort of physical activity? Can you really not limit your cheeseburger obsession to once a week and have equally delicious but ten times more nutritious meals the rest of the time? I dunno, I really just wish I could let you feel how I feel. Feel the difference from 3 months ago to where I am now. Set some goals, when you obtain them you will feel even better about yourself. That is what this is all about, making yourself happy. Trust me, the quickest way to getting happy again is by being healthy and confident. I will start winding this down, but immediately after the breakup I started taking Piano lessons. Who cares if I am a Middle Linebacker-sized 26 year old playing in a recital with a bunch of 10 year olds, haha, I love it. I am rocking "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and am damn proud of it! In all seriousness though, when times were the worst in the beginning, when I couldn't go a minute straight without thinking about her, THIS was what gave me my first real escape. I immersed myself in it so much that it took all of my focus to learn and improve and left no room for my brain to agonize over my situation. Find something completely foreign and new to you, a new hobby or activity, and go after it head on. Who cares if you suck at it, in the end it is helping you with your ultimate goal, moving on. And by the time you have actually moved on you may actually be pretty good at this new hobby and can be even more proud of yourself for improving yourself in the midst of all the pain. Lean on your friends. That is simple. Find the people you love and talk their ear off, let it all out. They love you, they will listen. Even the people on here love you in a sense and will help you tremendously. Finally, just remember the pain you may be feeling is inevitable after a break up, but to continue the suffering is optional. The pain will evaporate as you begin to move on. Continuing to dwell and suffer in thoughts will be what holds you back. Try and stay in the present moment, for that is all that you truly have. The memories of the past that cause you pain, or that future you wanted but can't have are all just thoughts. You CAN control these to some extent. Ask yourself, how are these thoughts REALLY changing my present moment. They aren't, you are still doing whatever you are doing, those thoughts are just changing your emotions in the present moment. Dig deep and continually try and not let those thoughts affect your emotions, the suffering is optional. YOU: You seemed all gitty and so certain you are healed. How do you know? Why are you so confident? Funny you should ask, because I do have one more piece of advice. Now, I am not sure about your moral code, so if this doesn't jive with you, then I apologize BUT, this was the final piece to my moving on puzzle. Going into this weekend I was feeling much better about life in general. Well, long story short, I had sex both Friday and Saturday night. First time since the breakup. Haha, talk about knocking somebody off their pedestal. Now I am not recommending you go out and bang somebody right away, I wouldn't do it if you are still feeling emotional and in pain over your breakup. But when you are ready, and depending on your lifestyle choices, there is no better way to open your eyes to the fact that there are more people in this world than your Ex by, well, exploring that option. Again, take that for what it is worth. But I haven't felt as good as I have in the last three days in a long long time and DAMN IT PEOPLE, I AM HAPPY and my Ex has lost whatever hold she may have had left on me! Well, that's it folks. In short, ! I am getting a tattoo of a Phoenix rising from flames soon. It represents the process of change; letting go of the things that have held be back, letting them burn in the flames, and using the strength and wisdom learned from those things to rise and soar from the flames as a stronger and wiser individual. For me personally, it represents both the transformation I made earlier in my life, in losing 120lbs, as well as my most recent transformation of healing, not from her, but from the drug-induced messed I was living. ...And that is the final piece of my story. Good Luck to you all.
AlisaMarie Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 This totally made my day. I think I love you! Congrats my dear! Keep up your winning streak!
thelovingkind Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Great advice here, especially about waiting to have sex again. As a guy I find I put more pressure on myself to get out there and have sex quickly. It's stupid because I'll know I'm not ready, that I'm still emotionally attached to an ex, and that having sex will not make me feel like a stud again but will just remind me of the wretched vacuousness of using sexuality to validate myself and compensate for other losses instead enjoying it for its own sake. And yet the voice is still there in my head: Your ex is probably getting it on. Why aren't you? But I definitely suggest and recommend waiting until things calm down. Wait until you're nearly ready then wait just a wee bit longer. Wait until the driving motivation is not related to your ex but related to how much you want to get with the new person. It will be worth it. The combustion and release of emotional, psychological and sexual tension that have been unresolved since the break up is just incredible.
Geya Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Wow this is really inspirational and truly timely for me, I'm seeing the light and feeling much much better now, I didn't think I'd get here but I am! And I feel great those days.. Thanks so much for sharing this with us it does help =)
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I am getting a tattoo of a Phoenix rising from flames soon. It represents the process of change; letting go of the things that have held be back, letting them burn in the flames, and using the strength and wisdom learned from those things to rise and soar from the flames as a stronger and wiser individual. For me personally, it represents both the transformation I made earlier in my life, in losing 120lbs, as well as my most recent transformation of healing, not from her, but from the drug-induced messed I was living. ...And that is the final piece of my story. Good Luck to you all. haha funny you're getting a tattoo of a phoenix rising from flames.... <=== That's the one I got (profile pic), represents a phoenix being born from ashes. The original design said "born from ashes" underneath the symbol but I deleted that part of the design. I think we're on the same recovery plan, I got P90X after my breakup and lost 35 pounds so far. I haven't completed the program because I've had to restart because I got my tattoo and they said I should take at least two weeks off but I'm getting there. I also started playing the guitar, I'm learning myself and haven't had any lessons but I think I am improving fairly fast for a self learner. About 3 months for me as well and I feel great
Exit Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Good post. Glad you've made it through to the other side. I agree with much of what you said. I deactivated my Facebook for a while, I'm already back on it, but it was empowering to step away for a while. I fully agree that diet and exercise is such an awesome breakup recovery tool, I try to mention it in as many threads as I can around here. Even if you've never been a gym or exercise person, you gotta give it a try, it encompasses so much of what you need during a breakup: something else to think about and focus on, a way to release stress and anger, improve your mood thanks to the endorphins that are released, improve your appearance, your confidence, prove to yourself that you can set goals and reach them, etc etc etc. Sure there's other tips like "visit family and friends" or "focus on yourself", but NOTHING can do as much for you as getting in better shape. I still talk to my ex sometimes and just the other day she said "why do you have to be so irresistible?", referring to the fact that she can tell I'm working out again. It's pretty awesome to hear that from an ex lol.
Author whatdoido1717 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 This totally made my day. I think I love you! Congrats my dear! Keep up your winning streak! I love you too. Call me, 867-5309. Wait until the driving motivation is not related to your ex Bingo. Wow this is really inspirational and truly timely for me, I'm seeing the light and feeling much much better now, I didn't think I'd get here but I am! And I feel great those days.. Thanks so much for sharing this with us it does help =) I'm glad you found it helpful! Glad you are makin' progress Geya! haha funny you're getting a tattoo of a phoenix rising from flames.... <=== That's the one I got (profile pic), represents a phoenix being born from ashes. The original design said "born from ashes" underneath the symbol but I deleted that part of the design. I think we're on the same recovery plan, I got P90X after my breakup and lost 35 pounds so far. I haven't completed the program because I've had to restart because I got my tattoo and they said I should take at least two weeks off but I'm getting there. I also started playing the guitar, I'm learning myself and haven't had any lessons but I think I am improving fairly fast for a self learner. About 3 months for me as well and I feel great What's up twin? I really like your Phoenix design! Maybe we should start a band?
Author whatdoido1717 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 I still talk to my ex sometimes and just the other day she said "why do you have to be so irresistible?", referring to the fact that she can tell I'm working out again. That is great. That is an epic success in my book!
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