FlyMoon Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 He wronged me so many times. This was like our 3rd or 4th breakup, all of which I broke up bc he made cruel mistakes, then he came to apologize wanting me back and so i forgave..etc, It has been a month ago since the last breakup. (NC all along), Since then, I have very mixed feelings and I don't know what I want now. I think I'm okay in general but all of a sudden like once or twice so far, I have suddenly gone really sad as to shed a few drops of tears but then I didn't really cry. I probably can't forgive him and i'm definitely upset/mad but can't feel the anger? I constantly think about him over and over literally but then I don't think I miss him or want him..? Of course, I wish that he hadn't done a lot of things he did that really hurted and betrayed me.. but that aside, I don't know what I'm feeling right now.. If I talk to him, will it become clearer?
batsheba Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 what do you plan to achieve in talking? if want to reconcile, go ahead move! accept the fact though that this is the way things are going to be. heartache here and there, and every so often. if you are prepared for that, then go ahead do what you have to do. however, our emotions are not to be relied on specially in times like this. think of the long term impact it has on you - am i prepared to put myself through this again? is this the person i want to be with long term? because if you answer no to both questions, begin your healing now. what you are going through is just part of the grieving, post BU process. it will be over soon just stick to NC.
Rinas Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 You are going through the grieving process of your past relationship. It's completely normal. If you break NC you will just be opening up the wound. He was cruel to you, and you feel as if you cannot forgive him - keep this in mind. It would be best to stay NC and keep moving on.
AlisaMarie Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I think all of us feel like this... almost all of the time, some of the time, and then the longer we go with NC... rarely. If your ex meant that much to you, you will always wonder. He was cruel and mean to you. Repeat that in your head. My ex was cruel and mean to me then tried to act like everything was my fault and I was the bad person. I seriously was an angel in the relationship... that I can take with me and nobody can deny that. Just steer clear. Unless you meet someone new, and better, it will probably take a little bit longer. But you will look back and wonder what the hell you were doing with this jerk.
TheVSilent Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 He wronged me so many times. This was like our 3rd or 4th breakup, all of which I broke up bc he made cruel mistakes, then he came to apologize wanting me back and so i forgave..etc, It has been a month ago since the last breakup. (NC all along), Since then, I have very mixed feelings and I don't know what I want now. I think I'm okay in general but all of a sudden like once or twice so far, I have suddenly gone really sad as to shed a few drops of tears but then I didn't really cry. I probably can't forgive him and i'm definitely upset/mad but can't feel the anger? I constantly think about him over and over literally but then I don't think I miss him or want him..? Of course, I wish that he hadn't done a lot of things he did that really hurted and betrayed me.. but that aside, I don't know what I'm feeling right now.. If I talk to him, will it become clearer? Listen, I am going to tell you that if you really love him, and he can really change, then there is a chance. I am THAT guy, I was a mean person, I have started counceling, and have been working on becoming a better person. She hasn't talked to me in over 40 days, she has no idea that I am bettering myself, but if she were to ever call me and find out she might find the different person she wanted. I am just saying, guys aren't all hopeless, it just takes a lot for us to realize how important you are in our lives. Granted this was our first and only break up, she pretty much has moved on I assume, and I am trying to do the same.
AlisaMarie Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Listen, I am going to tell you that if you really love him, and he can really change, then there is a chance. I am THAT guy, I was a mean person, I have started counceling, and have been working on becoming a better person. She hasn't talked to me in over 40 days, she has no idea that I am bettering myself, but if she were to ever call me and find out she might find the different person she wanted. I am just saying, guys aren't all hopeless, it just takes a lot for us to realize how important you are in our lives. Granted this was our first and only break up, she pretty much has moved on I assume, and I am trying to do the same. TheV- It's really nice to hear the perspective from "that guy." I wish my ex would work on his issues and help himself. I tried so many times to tell him to seek therapy but he lives his life falling down a mountain instead of walking down the hill. I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore to set him free. (he told me that first so I felt I had to defend my dignity) I lied. I love him so very much but I just can't take the personality disorder that he displays. I can't diagnose him, but I know him well enough that there is DEF a severe problem. He has even admitted it to me in calm conversations.
TheVSilent Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 TheV- It's really nice to hear the perspective from "that guy." I wish my ex would work on his issues and help himself. I tried so many times to tell him to seek therapy but he lives his life falling down a mountain instead of walking down the hill. I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore to set him free. (he told me that first so I felt I had to defend my dignity) I lied. I love him so very much but I just can't take the personality disorder that he displays. I can't diagnose him, but I know him well enough that there is DEF a severe problem. He has even admitted it to me in calm conversations. My ex would tell me I was bipolar all the time, and she just had enough of it, told me that she never wanted to talk to me again and deleted me from everything, blocked from her, and it was the hardest change I had to ever go through (still going through). It was enough to make me want to find out why I act like this, and I wish she just knew, but she moved on from me in her heart probably before you broke up with me. See I want to know from the girls point of view as well, I just want to know if she even cares anymore, but then again I don't, either way it is a struggle and I'm doing this more for me anyways, I just want to be a better person for when or if I fall in love again.
Author FlyMoon Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 My ex would tell me I was bipolar all the time, and she just had enough of it, told me that she never wanted to talk to me again and deleted me from everything, blocked from her, and it was the hardest change I had to ever go through (still going through). It was enough to make me want to find out why I act like this, and I wish she just knew, but she moved on from me in her heart probably before you broke up with me. See I want to know from the girls point of view as well, I just want to know if she even cares anymore, but then again I don't, either way it is a struggle and I'm doing this more for me anyways, I just want to be a better person for when or if I fall in love again. Guess the difference was you loved her. I'm not sure (and probably not) if he ever loved me for once. I cried so much and he was never there, not for once. Gave him 4th chance, talked about the "cause" for days days days. Got better, he seemed to be trying, but thats it. Nothing changed..... I'm afraid. Whether I like him is a secondary issue in this reality now... Its just really really sad..
AlisaMarie Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 My ex would tell me I was bipolar all the time, and she just had enough of it, told me that she never wanted to talk to me again and deleted me from everything, blocked from her, and it was the hardest change I had to ever go through (still going through). It was enough to make me want to find out why I act like this, and I wish she just knew, but she moved on from me in her heart probably before you broke up with me. See I want to know from the girls point of view as well, I just want to know if she even cares anymore, but then again I don't, either way it is a struggle and I'm doing this more for me anyways, I just want to be a better person for when or if I fall in love again. Well when I was dealing with the ups and downs of him, I became obsessed with the pain. I expected me to hurt and I didn't care how he treated me as long as I had him. Sick huh? No offense to you, but your gf is probably a little bit more healthy mentally than I am. Addiction runs in my family, and since the alcohol and drugs bypassed me, I am convinced I am addicted to emotional pain. I am not a disparate moron that lets guys beat me up and stuff. I just always go back for more and attract the same type of guy. Guys like you- but that can't admit that they are indeed the problem. I really think that even if you are changing, do it for you and your next potential love. Your ex may trigger things in your to become the person that she doesn't want to be with.
sunshine103 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Flymoon, what you are feeling is the grieving period of the past relationship when it is really starting to sink in that it could be really over with him. The one confusing comment you made that seems to contradict a bit is you say he didn't care about you, but then you say things "got better, he seemed to be trying" Doesn't that shows that he does care a little? It might be best to move on and continue with NC, but if you need closure and if he is the type that you can sit down and have an open conversation, maybe do so. Just proceed with extra caution and make it clear from the beginning you just want closure. I did that with my ex when I caught him going on a date with another woman. I started blaming myself for what he did because sometimes I can be cold because I am overwhelmed with my life. After a month of NC and going crazy not getting answers, I contacted him and had a very good conversation and got closure. I am much better know and can move on with a much clearer mind.
Author FlyMoon Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Flymoon, what you are feeling is the grieving period of the past relationship when it is really starting to sink in that it could be really over with him. The one confusing comment you made that seems to contradict a bit is you say he didn't care about you, but then you say things "got better, he seemed to be trying" Doesn't that shows that he does care a little? It might be best to move on and continue with NC, but if you need closure and if he is the type that you can sit down and have an open conversation, maybe do so. Just proceed with extra caution and make it clear from the beginning you just want closure. I did that with my ex when I caught him going on a date with another woman. I started blaming myself for what he did because sometimes I can be cold because I am overwhelmed with my life. After a month of NC and going crazy not getting answers, I contacted him and had a very good conversation and got closure. I am much better know and can move on with a much clearer mind. I did not say that he didn't care about me. Said I think he didnt "LOVE" me.... And what I meant by he was getting better was that he seemed to have more patience with me. but then he might have been faking it bc even though I let him know the ONLY issue we had and the ONLY issue that caused us myriad of fights, he would not address it.. (I waited 5 MONTHS!!! for him to make the change but I felt nothing changed...probably he didnt want to make it work..who knows) btw, it wasnt like any disorder thing. Well, I guess if he ever loved me to begin with, we probably wouldnt have had to even think about that issue at all.... I dont know what i want at this point.. will talking to him get me a closure? Whats the point of having the closure when not being with him makes all the talking sort of useless anyways. And at the same time, there is no hope of him changing or getting rid of that issue, then I can't be with him... Edited June 29, 2011 by FlyMoon
liveinharmony Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Flymoon you sound really confused. Normally advocating NC is always a help but perhaps in your case it might help to clear some things up. Your story sounds so similar to mine. in my case I was accused of saying so many things that were inconsiderate and cruel and in most instances it was her perception that was floored. How do I know this, because only I know why I did what I did, And I never got a chance to explain. Or was asked why. Maybe you need to do that for not only yourself but the other party as well. I never got a chance to say why I did the things I did and thats hard for me because my intentions were 100% pure, but I can also understand how they might have been taken the wrong way. Also I know alot of people have trouble saying what they want to say without being interrupted. If thats the case before you start what you want to say you should ask for a safe zone where you can say all you want without being interrupted. But in turn you also need to give the other person a chance to be heard. These are the basics of communication and unfortunately they are almost always lacking in a relationship. Good Communication is the key. Just my two cents. (-: Edited June 29, 2011 by liveinharmony
Author FlyMoon Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 Flymoon you sound really confused. Normally advocating NC is always a help but perhaps in your case it might help to clear some things up. Your story sounds so similar to mine. in my case I was accused of saying so many things that were inconsiderate and cruel and in most instances it was her perception that was floored. How do I know this, because only I know why I did what I did, And I never got a chance to explain. Or was asked why. Maybe you need to do that for not only yourself but the other party as well. I never got a chance to say why I did the things I did and thats hard for me because my intentions were 100% pure, but I can also understand how they might have been taken the wrong way. Also I know alot of people have trouble saying what they want to say without being interrupted. If thats the case before you start what you want to say you should ask for a safe zone where you can say all you want without being interrupted. But in turn you also need to give the other person a chance to be heard. These are the basics of communication and unfortunately they are almost always lacking in a relationship. Good Communication is the key. Just my two cents. (-: I did give him so many chances to tell me why. Shared my feelings. How I want the issue to be addressed. We talked for hours and days.. still nothing. He told me he will do it with time. And I had given him more than enough. Last time we broke up and he came and told me that he want another try saying that he really can change. I told him, you said that last time too. Then he said he didnt really mean it back then. Ha. He lies and changes his words around. When I call it out, he always says well, I didnt say that. I dont think i meant that way. You twisted it. etc.. This is why I said love became a secondary issue. And probably explains why i'm really confused. Because throughout the entire time, I was never given a single truth. I want to talk to him yea sure. but I dont think I will ever get any truth out of him anyways... things are just so difficult..
liveinharmony Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Perhaps its hard without knowing your exact situation or what he did that was cruel. I can only relate to my experience and share my story in the hope you might take something from it and relate from within to assist in your situation. I also had an ongoing issue with trusting people based on past experience ( cheating ex ) that I was working on. Sure I had my bad days where she would do something that I would struggle to accept and my internal red flags would be triggered but like all conflicts you keep working on it until one day you wake up and you no longer suffer. If you really love someone you dont just give up and walk away because you had an argument or there is a conflict of opinion. We all have our differences and its these that make for a great relationship and as they say the spice of life. In my case my ex was angry with me for what she believed were lies that she said I told her. It was a comment on facebook that I had no recollection of ever writing. If someone tells you something and they believe it to be true then its not a lie. It might be wrong but its still not a lie. In my case I found out days later than what I said to her was wrong so I sent her a message because it was the right thing to do just so she would know I didn't lie intentionally. But now she thinks I intentionally lied to her. Towards the end my ex was repeatedly taking everything I said to her the wrong way. Everytime someone says something that upsets you take a minute to look in the other direction and try to see where they might have been coming from and if you find yourself constantly in conflict perhaps its your perception that needs to be considered. After all do you think that he intentionally sets out to hurt you and is that the person you were with. All situations are different but most problems on here are the same. Take care and good luck (-:
Recommended Posts