Fiance said he lied for the last time, and now he left :(

[Stupid Girl]

Hi Loveshack. This is actually the one and only place for me to post this problem, since the very inception of it is chronicled in my first post here.

 

To sum it up quickly: been together ~5 years, in our 20s. In March 2011 he went on a webcam chatting site after we got in a fight. Subsequent to that, I didn't take any of your advice and immaturely got "revenge" back on him by going out for drinks with a male who had made it obvious he liked me (didn't do anything, however). When that happened, we really came to a point where we had to make a decision, and we decided to stop what we were doing and put everything into our relationship. So he immediately got a referral to a therapist and started going within the week, and went every week for several months. He said it really helped him and I started to see things truly start to turn around.

 

I ended up going to one therapy session with him because she wanted to meet me, and she actually gave me a lot of insight...I realized my biggest problem wasn't him looking at cams, but that he was lying about it. The lying was my real enemy. So that became my next big thing. He had had a tendency to lie about a lot of little things, or fail to mention things he should and whatnot.

 

On the one hand, I do realize it might be a little awkward to start a conversation with "Honey, just wanted to let you know while you were at work today I was sitting here looking at strippers on cams instead of looking for jobs", on the other hand, there's a difference between failing to mention something and deliberately not saying something because you're ashamed of yourself or WHATEVER.

 

Well, he stopped seeing the therapist about 1 month ago, and I don't know what happened, but it's gotten terrible again, even worse than before. Last week I caught him lying to me about more of the same sort of stuff (the funny thing was, I had no proof whatsoever when I "caught" him, just a feeling, and the fact that he didn't call me during the day, which he usually does unless he's doing exactly THAT), so I yelled at him and told him to get out since I pay the rent anyway. After that we were very quiet and distant from each other. I thought I was serious about wanting him to get out, but a few days passed and we started getting along a tiny bit again, and I thought we'd be able to work through it.

 

A then a few days ago he told me he had decided to leave himself. For a "few days". He took a backpack and went up to his parents' house, and he's gone. He said he needs to "get his head straight" not just in terms of us, but everything. And I knew that already. He quite pretty recently lost the job his family was so proud of him for getting & having (and he still hasn't replaced it...), and this year he won't be in his 20s anymore, and I think he's having a crisis or something, like "I'm almost 30 and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life!" (he didn't actually say that, though, I'm just estimating). So that's fair. But why wouldn't he be able to figure that out here? I'm gone most of the day at work, so we don't even really have to see each other if he doesn't want to (we even have 2 separate beds).

 

He told me something that bothered me a lot, along the lines of him knowing we are right for each other, but maybe this not being the right time for us. But that doesn't make sense to me. If you've met your soulmate, why would you waste time in life being apart from them if you're just going to end up with them in the end anyway?

 

I care about this relationship, so I want to wait for him. But at the same time, I don't want to feel disrespected, and and I don't want him to think it's okay to have his cake and eat it too, so to speak. Like, have this relationship waiting for him to pick up whever he feels like it, and he doesn't need to care about it or do any work on it in the meantime. Because then why wouldn't he just do that anytime he wants, oir all the time?

 

But the other side is, if he is genuinely going through a crisis, am I being unsupportive? Did I force this moving out on him in the first place by yelling at him to leave after he lied?

 

I don't know what to do, please give me insight, I promise to listen to this time!

[make me believe]

Sooo you go to work and pay all of the bills while your 30 year old boyfriend sits at home and chats with/jerks off to random girls on web cams? Uh... :sick:

 

I'm not sure what kind of advice you want. He hasn't changed one single bit, in fact he's gotten worse. But you're sticking around hoping maybe this time he'll change? Why should he when you've shown him that he can do whatever he wants to and you'll not only put up with it, but you'll pay the bills while he does it? Come on! Dump this douche and let him live at mommy's while you find somebody worthwhile.

[Sansa]

This is my opinion based on experience. I think you have to be strong and protect yourself here. I know it hurts but if you let him and show him it's ok he will keep doing the same things and you will continue to be hurt by him. For me I'd rather cry and be hurt and get it over with and move on. I know what I'm saying is not easy but I have had to do this many times, or at least been faced with it. You need to set the boundaries, you call the shots. These things usually do get worse so what I'm trying to say is take some time for yourself. Soul search and find out what you truly are welling to live with once you do that I think even if you are hurt you will find the inner strength you need to move on. Love yourself and know that no one hurts forever time has away of healing all wounds. I'm not being a hypocrit here I know it's not easy but I have literally been in situations where I loved the person and had to walk out because I knew I'd never be ok with there actions and they wouldn't change. Best of luck

[Stupid Girl]

Make me believe - You make it sound really bad, but I guess it's a fact it definitely has not been a theme in our relationship, however. The past few months are the only time since we've been together that I've had a job and he hasn't; in fact, for the majority of the start of our relationship he was the one supporting me. You're right though, he has gotten worse, so I guess it only makes sense that we'd have to go to the extreme we have and not live together, at least for "a few days". I just wonder I guess, how extreme this extreme has to go (you know?)

 

Sansa - Thanks for the comment - I also would rather be hurt now and get it over with than be a always little bit hurt for the rest of my life. Also I feel like a boundary has been set, but by him, since he ultimately is the one who left. So I think right now he is the one calling the shots (but not all of them, since most of his belongings are at my place...)

 

I guess deep down I believe he will change, because I really believe he wants to change. He always says this inconsiderate loser he acts like sometimes isn't "him". But I guess I want opinions about how realistic it is to expect change.

[Chantilly]

I think a chance, maybe even two chances, if you feel they are sincere but after that, don't waste your time. You can literally spend your entire life waiting for them to change & never see it.

[luvbun80]

Well try and look at things from his point of view. He's just lost his job and is no longer the bread winner. This is hard on anyone but since it's a traditional "male" role in our society it can really put his identity in question. Now he's having to "check in" every day or he's put on trial. That's feeling controlled, so now he's lashing back. The few days apart may help him regain some space / sense of control. It's not necessarily a bad thing. So don't beat yourself up either because your reaction was quite natural too and certainly going to a singles chat site is not acceptable while in a committed relationship. It's tricky because if you don't show some trust then he won't feel he has to prove he is worthy of it. But at the same time you don't want to make it real easy for him to cheat, if he is already in that state of mind, right? Just do take into account the fact that it's a crisis time for him and he needs to feel you are loving and supportive and may not be able to give as much love and support back at first.

 

Of course you want to make sure that your mate is not prone to breaking down in pieces at the first difficulty. And at the same time you want to know that they'll be there to support you if you run into hard times. So on the bright side it's a good opportunity for you to find out how strong he is and, if he turns out to be weaker than you thought, whether you want to put up with it or not.

 

In the end you need to be able to trust him, and he has to show himself worthy of that trust, crisis or not.

[NoIDidn't]

He might "want" to change, but his quitting therapy and getting worse says to me that he doesn't "believe" he can change - so he gave up.

 

You will be carrying this man forever if you don't back off and let him find his way on his own. Maybe now is not the best time to be in a relationship for him, and you don't need the responsibility of a adult that won't take responsibility for themselves.

 

If you think things are bad now that you aren't married, believe me, marriage magnifies this issue 100X.

[Stupid Girl]

Thank you for all the comments and insight everyone, I really appreciate it.

 

I left him an angry voicemail on Monday because he left my house a disaster when he went (he knows I'm super busy right now, working full time, going to school part time, and have a major exam coming up next week - taking an extra hour out of my day to clean his mess had me pretty irate). I left him alone yesterday. I texted him today asking if we could talk later, because he took the charger for my cellphone when he left (I don't have a home phone, so my cell is my lifeline - I need my charger!) He didn't reply, but when I got off work I called him anyway. His phone was off, but his voicemail message had changed; it used to be personalized, but now it's the generic greeting. As though he removed his voicemail, for some reason. Kind of weird.

 

I tried calling his parents' house just now and nobody picked up. I didn't figure he'd pick up his parents' phone, and his mom might be at work, but his dad doesn't work. So that's kind of weird too.

 

I'd be okay leaving it at that, but he has my charger. I only have 3 bars of battery left.

 

Furthermore, our anniversary issss...(wait for it)...tomorrow. Incredible timing. But tomorrow would be a week since he decided to leave, so I think it's fair he should have at least SOMETHING to say to me. Even if it's just "I haven't come up with anything yet, I need more time."