Love possible in A?

[woinlove]

I don't think it implies bolded. It is possible to fall in love more than once in a lifetime. I have only done it once so far. Staying in love I imagine to be par for the course if you truly fall in love with a 'safe' person.

 

Interestingly, many mothers expecting a second child fear that they will not be able to love this child as much as the first. This is an over-application of the exclusive love found commonly among adult love partners. They usually find their fears unfounded.

 

I'd like to understand better what you mean by "par for the course". I've fallen in love several times, but I've only been in love with the same person for decades once - with my H. That bond, together with my children, is the most important in my life, and I know my H feels the same way. But, neither of us would consider it par for the course. Like xxoo implies, one has to really value staying in love. Not everyone does and some just get too caught up in other things, or take their love for granted, and don't notice they are letting the opportunity to stay in love slip by. While many marriages do survive for decades, it is less common to see couples who are really in love after decades.

 

Returning to the topic of love in an A, imo, an A would not last very long with true love. For me, true love wants the very best for each other and that would not include participating in the type of betrayal and deception an A requires. However, not everyone capable of intense falling in love is capable of true love and one may be loving as much as they can and doing that in the context of an A. For those people, at that time, they may consider it true love.

[wheelwright]

I'd like to understand better what you mean by "par for the course". I've fallen in love several times, but I've only been in love with the same person for decades once - with my H.

 

Returning to the topic of love in an A, imo, an A would not last very long with true love. For me, true love wants the very best for each other and that would not include participating in the type of betrayal and deception an A requires. However, not everyone capable of intense falling in love is capable of true love and one may be loving as much as they can and doing that in the context of an A. For those people, at that time, they may consider it true love.

 

Our A did not last very long - I think for the reasons you give. We had to split or change our lives. Or in my case both!

 

I don't know why a shorter term love may be held as a less 'true' love. No one would claim that a woman who lost a very young child had not experienced a true love. Yes, she missed enjoying a long lasting and rewarding R with the child. But she loved him/her as much as a mother who sees her children grow up.

 

Longevity in a love R is to be recommended IMO. But it is not the determining factor of 'true love'.

[wheelwright]

I don't know why a shorter term love may be held as a less 'true' love. No one would claim that a woman who lost a very young child had not experienced a true love. Yes, she missed enjoying a long lasting and rewarding R with the child. But she loved him/her as much as a mother who sees her children grow up.

 

Longevity in a love R is to be recommended IMO. But it is not the determining factor of 'true love'.

 

In fact this comparison puts me in mind of Frozen's thread about the pain of A endings.

 

To lose something very beautiful and precious to you in its infancy would be the worst kind of grief imaginable.

 

The grief is for the loss itself, plus the loss of potential.

 

(I came to Frozen's interesting thread a bit late, and the response has ended up here ).

[xxoo]

I don't know why a shorter term love may be held as a less 'true' love. No one would claim that a woman who lost a very young child had not experienced a true love. Yes, she missed enjoying a long lasting and rewarding R with the child. But she loved him/her as much as a mother who sees her children grow up. .

 

I agree that length of time together does not make it more or less "true" love. If anything, I often believe that a lengthy affair shows love to be less true (as woinlove pointed out), because true love demands the utmost care and respect and honesty--more than an affair situation could ever provide.

 

I also would like to know what you meant by staying in love being "par for the course". I, too, have been in love for decades, and don't believe it is as simple as getting the ball of true love rolling and letting it roll! We have to keep the ball on course, even on the bumpiest roads.

[John Michael Kane]

All of this romanticizing, glamorizing, fantasizing discussion is attempting to hide the real truth: That there is no love in affairs.

 

This is all infatuation with another person.

[Silly_Girl]

All of this romanticizing, glamorizing, fantasizing discussion is attempting to hide the real truth: That there is no love in affairs.

 

This is all infatuation with another person.

 

If that's true I hope he and I will stay 'infatuated' for the next fifty years.

[silktricks]

I think this is incomparable and even the fact that there are no forums with people lamenting over the love they have for their child, goes to show it is a rather different type of thing, the love for your child IMO being a more grounded and truer form of love than the feelings one has for a lover or over the course of a lifetime, several lovers. Many people are in love with their lovers but probably lack a true love for them..even the fact that people can fall in and out of love romantically...goes to show the nature of it, however, you don't wake up and realize you no longer love your child.

 

But yea...to me being in love and those chemicals and emotions and so on is a vastly different thing from love. I want a relationship where I love the person first and foremost and then am also inlove with them. I think the problem is when you're only "inlove" and the dopamine is flooding your brain with no grounding in the reality of a peaceful, sustaining, unconditional love, like that you have for your child.

 

I think the love you have for your child is a completely different kind of love than you have for your mate. It is not IMO either more grounded or more true, it is simply different.

 

The fact that there are no forums for parents lamenting about the love they have for their children says more about us as a society than it says about the the possible need for such forums. Our society is accepting of people who are "lovelorn". It is, however, decidedly unaccepting about people who claim hurt by their children. (Children on the other hand who claim hurt by their parents are accepted.)

 

Sorry for the t/j.

[silktricks]

I don't know why a shorter term love may be held as a less 'true' love.

 

{snip}

 

Longevity in a love R is to be recommended IMO. But it is not the determining factor of 'true love'.

 

I don't think anyone can ever say of someone else that they didn't experience true love. I think you can only say it of yourself in retrospect.

[Owl]

WW, all of your posts lead me to believe that you're obsessed with the idea of love...in love with the concept of being in love.

 

You seem to view love as the answer to all.

 

Which suggests to me that you've never learned to be happy within yourself.

 

It suggests either a high level of emotional immaturity, where you never developed a healthy sense of self-sufficiency and happiness, or you've fostered a huge need for external validation.

 

You post these long, flowery threads about love, about freedom to follow it, etc...

 

...but none of it seems to have any basis in day to day life, or reality.

 

Like I said...you seem to view romantic love as the end all, only true fulfillment available to you.

 

Mature adults learn to be happy within themselves. Love is a wonderful feeling and being in love is an awesome situation to be in...but it does NOT define who/what we are as individuals.

 

Looking back on your own life...what do you see was the greatest influence in how you percieve love today?

[xxoo]

Falling in love again (and again) with the same person is definitely possible.

 

I thought on this post as I went for my morning run

 

I agree that it is very possible, but not without falling (I prefer the verb "growing") out of love first. Falling in and out of love with a person has that "roller coaster" type vibe that isn't healthy.

 

Over the years, I feel I've grown deeper in love having shared certain life events and weathered trials together. But I've never stopped being in love.

 

There are times that I feel the love more palpably than others, but that is more about me than the state of our love.

[TurningTables]

All of this romanticizing, glamorizing, fantasizing discussion is attempting to hide the real truth: That there is no love in affairs.

 

This is all infatuation with another person.

 

 

Sorry for H/J this thread, but as I was reading, this thread stands out to me.

How do you know that love isnt possiable in a A? I am amazed that people who have never been on the "other side" of things can tell others what is and is not possiable in that particular situtation. Are you seriously telling me that I didnt love my xbest friend dearly before romantic feelings came into play? If you are: you are mistaken. And I dont know if you read my story but I didnt have a PA, only a EA and we both ended it before things got out of hand as soon as we realized what was going on. That is is a true statement of two people who really care/love each other enough to let go and do what is right for everyone involved.

 

Now, before you click the reply and quote button and rip me apart: I think A's are wrong. However, people make mistakes. Everyone is human. Apart of living this life is learning from the lessons that life teaches you. I also wanted to point out that I cannot stand in your shoes or any BS shoes. I cannot sit and tell you how it should/should not be as a BS. That this is possiable and that isnt. LS has given me that view of the pain and actions that A's cause. Therefore, instead of ripping someone for their bad choices and nasty comments, you might want to go a different route. Tell them the pain and your story. How its feels to be on the opposite side of the A situation. I constantly see you(JMK) throwing stones when you YOURSELF live in a glass house. You arent perfect either. You might get your point across if you approached things differently. Its just a thought..So fire: Im ready..lol

 

 

Sorry WW for h/j your thread. Please forgive me.

[ladydesigner]

WW, all of your posts lead me to believe that you're obsessed with the idea of love...in love with the concept of being in love.

 

You seem to view love as the answer to all.

 

Which suggests to me that you've never learned to be happy within yourself.

 

It suggests either a high level of emotional immaturity, where you never developed a healthy sense of self-sufficiency and happiness, or you've fostered a huge need for external validation.

 

You post these long, flowery threads about love, about freedom to follow it, etc...

 

...but none of it seems to have any basis in day to day life, or reality.

 

Like I said...you seem to view romantic love as the end all, only true fulfillment available to you.

 

Mature adults learn to be happy within themselves. Love is a wonderful feeling and being in love is an awesome situation to be in...but it does NOT define who/what we are as individuals.

 

Looking back on your own life...what do you see was the greatest influence in how you percieve love today?

 

I REALLY REALLY like this post Owl as I had this same thinking going into my A with XOM. It wasn't until my A ended and I discovered more infidelities from my H that I had to do the REAL work. That REAL work has been to love myself and I feel a lot better not chasing that fleeting feeling of "being in love" and seeking validation.

 

Also the love I have for my kids is the best love I have ever felt and goes beyond any love I have had for a parent, sibling or even my spouse. The love I have for my H is a grounded love, with caring and support for one another. I think passion ebbs and flows and does not remain consistent. I believe affairs happen because we become confused when the passion is not there. It takes work to keep a fire kindling, I believe the same for marriages and relationships.

 

At the core we need to love ourselves before we can give love to another.

[John Michael Kane]

If that's true I hope he and I will stay 'infatuated' for the next fifty years.

 

Until one of you or both of you see someone else to lust after. I hope whoever gets cheated on never complains that they didn't see it coming.

[MissBee]

I think the love you have for your child is a completely different kind of love than you have for your mate. It is not IMO either more grounded or more true, it is simply different.

 

The fact that there are no forums for parents lamenting about the love they have for their children says more about us as a society than it says about the the possible need for such forums. Our society is accepting of people who are "lovelorn". It is, however, decidedly unaccepting about people who claim hurt by their children. (Children on the other hand who claim hurt by their parents are accepted.)

 

Sorry for the t/j.

 

I can accept that. That is definitely true in terms of not all parent/child relationships show love perfected.

 

I think what you're describing also speaks tot he topic at hand, in that it could be argued that romantic love is that much of an addiction to many that there are more forums, movies, magazines, plays, novels etc willing to devote time and energy to the highs and withdrawals of such than that of the serious matter of the parent-child relationship.

 

Would make for an interesting topic in another part of the forum.

[John Michael Kane]

Sorry for H/J this thread, but as I was reading, this thread stands out to me.

How do you know that love isnt possiable in a A?

 

Good question.

 

Because there are one or two other innocent people that the participant(s) of infidelity are supposed to be committed to.

 

I am amazed that people who have never been on the "other side" of things can tell others what is and is not possiable in that particular situtation.

 

The same can be said for OM/OW and WSs who assume and conjure up the most insane reason out the sky to try and rationalize their sociopathic, narcissistic behavior.

 

Are you seriously telling me that I didnt love my xbest friend dearly before romantic feelings came into play? If you are: you are mistaken.

 

If your "best friend" was with someone else or married to someone else, then he was not your best friend, he was just your friend. And you're using the word "romantic" very loosely, almost insulting the true meaning of the word. It's called infatuation. LUST is what you felt.

 

And I dont know if you read my story but I didnt have a PA, only a EA and we both ended it before things got out of hand as soon as we realized what was going on.

 

Nope sorry don't try to excuse it as if it was a hot object you quickly pulled your hand away from. You guys at the least, engaged in an emotional affair and both of you realized what was going on. It's good that you guys pulled your heads out of your behinds early, but that doesn't excuse or changes what happened.

 

That is is a true statement of two people who really care/love each other enough to let go and do what is right for everyone involved.

 

No, it's not a true statement. You guys simply knew it was wrong and decided not to add anymore fuel to the fire that both of you collaboratively started. Wasn't because you two were in love, you guys just stopped thinking with what is down there between those legs and actually used what is in those skulls.

 

Now, before you click the reply and quote button and rip me apart:

 

I don't think of it as ripping people apart, I think of it as telling the truth.

 

I think A's are wrong.

 

Okay....

 

However, people make mistakes. Everyone is human. Apart of living this life is learning from the lessons that life teaches you.

 

You're absolutely right, people DO make mistakes BUT having an affair is not a mistake, and part of living life is learning to THINK before you ACT.

 

I also wanted to point out that I cannot stand in your shoes or any BS shoes. I cannot sit and tell you how it should/should not be as a BS. That this is possiable and that isnt. LS has given me that view of the pain and actions that A's cause.

 

Okay and that's good.

 

Therefore, instead of ripping someone for their bad choices and nasty comments, you might want to go a different route.

 

Again I don't "rip" anyone when I reply to a participant of infidelity. I just call it as it is so my route is just fine.

 

Tell them the pain and your story. How its feels to be on the opposite side of the A situation.

 

Even if I tried it wouldn't matter.

 

I constantly see you(JMK) throwing stones

 

Now you're of accusing me of something I would never physically do to a human being, and using the derogatory term very loosely and disrespectfully. I think you're "throwing" your assumptions too far.

 

when you YOURSELF live in a glass house. You arent perfect either. You might get your point across if you approached things differently. Its just a thought..So fire: Im ready..lol

 

I know I'm not perfect but did I deserve to be cheated on? Did my son deserved to get neglected from his "mother" because she wanted some new booty? Did I deserve to have my life put at risk for a disease that could kill me? No.

 

We may not be perfect, but that does not mean we cannot control our actions.

[MissBee]

I'd like to understand better what you mean by "par for the course". I've fallen in love several times, but I've only been in love with the same person for decades once - with my H. That bond, together with my children, is the most important in my life, and I know my H feels the same way. But, neither of us would consider it par for the course. Like xxoo implies, one has to really value staying in love. Not everyone does and some just get too caught up in other things, or take their love for granted, and don't notice they are letting the opportunity to stay in love slip by. While many marriages do survive for decades, it is less common to see couples who are really in love after decades.

 

Returning to the topic of love in an A, imo, an A would not last very long with true love. For me, true love wants the very best for each other and that would not include participating in the type of betrayal and deception an A requires. However, not everyone capable of intense falling in love is capable of true love and one may be loving as much as they can and doing that in the context of an A. For those people, at that time, they may consider it true love.

 

Well said! You managed to capture my sentiment about the matter in a more succinct and articulate format.

[MissBee]

WW, all of your posts lead me to believe that you're obsessed with the idea of love...in love with the concept of being in love.

You seem to view love as the answer to all.

Which suggests to me that you've never learned to be happy within yourself.

 

It suggests either a high level of emotional immaturity, where you never developed a healthy sense of self-sufficiency and happiness, or you've fostered a huge need for external validation.

You post these long, flowery threads about love, about freedom to follow it, etc...

 

...but none of it seems to have any basis in day to day life, or reality.

Like I said...you seem to view romantic love as the end all, only true fulfillment available to you.

 

Mature adults learn to be happy within themselves. Love is a wonderful feeling and being in love is an awesome situation to be in...but it does NOT define who/what we are as individuals.

 

Looking back on your own life...what do you see was the greatest influence in how you percieve love today?

 

Owl...

 

This post struck a huge chord with me.

 

You could have described me and what I learned about myself in the past months.

 

I just thought I was very romantic, I am Pisces after all. All my life I would go to bed at night dreaming about love, my future husband, boyfriend, romantic getaways, no matter what I was doing, romantic love would be considered in the mix. If I was going to the supermarket, I thought about meeting some bag boy of my dreams and falling inlove,, at church, etc I thought I thought about it a bit too much, but figured, oh well, whatever I'm a girl, don't we all think such things???

 

Which is why it was so contradictory for me to feel like this about love but at the same time come to terms with my emotional unavailability for love and a true commitment.

 

With my last boyfriend, I mourned the end of the relationship for almost 2 years, then woke up with the realization that I never did actually love him! I realized I loved the idea of love, I loved the way being with someone made me feel, I loved that someone seemed to love me, I loved the rituals of a relationship, I loved "being taken", I loved taking care of someone and all that but it never was a deep and sincere love of HIM. I lacked a true self love that I replaced with a love for romantic love and "the other".

 

My perceptions of love and the examples I had of love as a child coupled with the myriad of soap operas my grandmother and mom watched helped to shape my idea of love and I think I always had a longing for love and romance, that stemmed from a place of lack. I felt that if I had the perfect boyfriend or husband then all would be right with the world....as we know, not so. It really hit me when you said "...but none of it seems to have any basis in day to day life, or reality. " I felt guilty as charged!

 

I'm glad to say though that I am on the mend from that outlook and am learning that love is a great thing and romance and all that has it's place but it doesn't have to be my central focus, neither is the sustained love that I want for myself in a life partner the same kind as in Rom Coms and romance movies.

[wheelwright]

WW, all of your posts lead me to believe that you're obsessed with the idea of love...in love with the concept of being in love.

 

You seem to view love as the answer to all.

 

Which suggests to me that you've never learned to be happy within yourself.

 

It suggests either a high level of emotional immaturity, where you never developed a healthy sense of self-sufficiency and happiness, or you've fostered a huge need for external validation.

 

You post these long, flowery threads about love, about freedom to follow it, etc...

 

...but none of it seems to have any basis in day to day life, or reality.

 

Like I said...you seem to view romantic love as the end all, only true fulfillment available to you.

 

Mature adults learn to be happy within themselves. Love is a wonderful feeling and being in love is an awesome situation to be in...but it does NOT define who/what we are as individuals.

 

Looking back on your own life...what do you see was the greatest influence in how you percieve love today?[/QUOTE]

 

My kids have been the greatest influence, and xMOM the second. Following these, it is my oldest friends and a few members of family.

 

I post my threads often as an antidote to other threads I read, which I think focus unhealthily on the experiences of APs being a) not love and b) about said APs being F*cked up.

 

There is a newness to my attention to the subject of love. Until I had my kids, I had not truly experienced it. I didn't obsess or question it to such an unreserved depth. I just enjoyed it. It was entirely natural.

 

When I fell in love with xMOM (this became conscious 3 years ago) I questioned and researched. Seriously, light-heartedly and with interest. So many friends in less than satisfactory Ms was also a stimulus.

 

As you don't really know me Owl, I'll take your post as being mistaken rather than as a dig .

 

At my wedding 12 years ago, I could not find a suitable reading on the subject of love. This didn't phase me. I had no idea about it. It was outside of my remit.

 

Perhaps coming to the subject rather late in life is a reason for my 'obsession'. Rather than my thinking it the 'answer to all'.

 

Also, before entertaining a future R, I want to have my head straight about it. I will probably not marry again, but if I do, you can bet there will be a poem about love or three in the service.

 

I am as concerned with why I M without this feeling as I am in discussing what it means to love (in an A or not).

[chalkfarm]

I know I'm not perfect but did I deserve to be cheated on? Did my son deserved to get neglected from his "mother" because she wanted some new booty? Did I deserve to have my life put at risk for a disease that could kill me? No.

QUOTE]

 

Ah, the reason behind the bitterness.

 

Until you can walk in another's shoes.....

[wheelwright]

I also would like to know what you meant by staying in love being "par for the course". I, too, have been in love for decades, and don't believe it is as simple as getting the ball of true love rolling and letting it roll! We have to keep the ball on course, even on the bumpiest roads.

 

I don't mean to say it's an easy ride, but that if you truly love the difficult parts will be dealt with.

 

Like in Shakespeare's sonnet 116 'it is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken'

 

The nature of being in love is such that staying in love follows quite doggedly.

[TurningTables]

Good question.

 

Because there are one or two other innocent people that the participant(s) of infidelity are supposed to be committed to.

 

 

 

The same can be said for OM/OW and WSs who assume and conjure up the most insane reason out the sky to try and rationalize their sociopathic, narcissistic behavior.

 

 

 

If your "best friend" was with someone else or married to someone else, then he was not your best friend, he was just your friend. And you're using the word "romantic" very loosely, almost insulting the true meaning of the word. It's called infatuation. LUST is what you felt

 

 

 

 

Nope sorry don't try to excuse it as if it was a hot object you quickly pulled your hand away from. You guys at the least, engaged in an emotional affair and both of you realized what was going on. It's good that you guys pulled your heads out of your behinds early, but that doesn't excuse or changes what happened.

 

 

 

No, it's not a true statement. You guys simply knew it was wrong and decided not to add anymore fuel to the fire that both of you collaboratively started. Wasn't because you two were in love, you guys just stopped thinking with what is down there between those legs and actually used what is in those skulls.

 

 

 

I don't think of it as ripping people apart, I think of it as telling the truth.

 

 

 

Okay....

 

 

 

You're absolutely right, people DO make mistakes BUT having an affair is not a mistake, and part of living life is learning to THINK before you ACT.

 

 

 

Okay and that's good.

 

 

 

Again I don't "rip" anyone when I reply to a participant of infidelity. I just call it as it is so my route is just fine.

 

 

 

Even if I tried it wouldn't matter.

 

 

 

Now you're of accusing me of something I would never physically do to a human being, and using the derogatory term very loosely and disrespectfully. I think you're "throwing" your assumptions too far.

 

 

 

I know I'm not perfect but did I deserve to be cheated on? Did my son deserved to get neglected from his "mother" because she wanted some new booty? Did I deserve to have my life put at risk for a disease that could kill me? No.

 

We may not be perfect, but that does not mean we cannot control our actions.

 

 

Wow..You call it like it is? Is this the handbook dictated by JMK? Ive never heard of it before, I guess I am behind in the new book department at B&N. Dont even try to tell me that he wasent my best friend. I never had a physical attraction to him in the 20 years Ived known the man. So how do you explain that one? How I was acting out only because I was "lusting" after him? That is a bunch of bull crap.

 

I really dont care what someone has done to someone else, they dont deserve to be cheated on. People come here for support and seeking knowledge about the situations they are in. Here comes you, a BS, with your high and mighty self, not telling them the truth, but the truth as YOU see it. Yes,if you told people what happen to you ( I have not read your back story), you dont know WHO you might touch and change. If you dont want to do that, then why the heck are you here? Why even post? What is the point? It seems you are taking it out on everyone here since you cant take it out on the person who did that to you. Which helps no one. Not even yourself.

 

And the bit about throwing stones? You know what I was saying. People who live in glass houses dont throw stones. Are you telling me youve never told a lie or hurt someone you didnt mean to? Cmon now. Just because your mistakes did not involve A's, it dosent make you any better person than someone who did.

[wheelwright]

I think the love you have for your child is a completely different kind of love than you have for your mate. It is not IMO either more grounded or more true, it is simply different.

 

The fact that there are no forums for parents lamenting about the love they have for their children says more about us as a society than it says about the the possible need for such forums. Our society is accepting of people who are "lovelorn". It is, however, decidedly unaccepting about people who claim hurt by their children. (Children on the other hand who claim hurt by their parents are accepted.)

 

Sorry for the t/j.

 

I beg to differ Silktricks.

 

There are I am sure plenty of online help groups for parents who have lost a child through bereavement or abandonment in the form of disappearance or drug use etc. Oh yes. And I have no doubt this situation would hurt like hell.

 

A major difference would be of course that such parents would in the main not have the quality of their love or judgement questioned. Though I am sure the odd troll pops up there too.

Edited June 28, 2011 by wheelwright

[MissBee]

The armchair psychologist in me says this is because he is "unavailable" so you feel more comfortable being open and romantic. Nothing is likely to come from it in a serious sense so he can't get too close to you. He's "safe" because he's taken

 

That was my armchair psychologist's assessment as well. As well as personal experience.

[wheelwright]

The armchair psychologist in me says this is because he is "unavailable" so you feel more comfortable being open and romantic. Nothing is likely to come from it in a serious sense so he can't get too close to you. He's "safe" because he's taken

 

From the armchair, what would happen here if the MAP quit the M and turned up at APs door? Let's for the sake of argument suppose the xMAP is genuinely in love and comes with a manageable amount of baggage.

 

The OW/OM would either run or sabotage the new R in some way? Or deal with this new and exciting love intimacy more positively?

[Owl]

My kids have been the greatest influence, and xMOM the second. Following these, it is my oldest friends and a few members of family.

 

I post my threads often as an antidote to other threads I read, which I think focus unhealthily on the experiences of APs being a) not love and b) about said APs being F*cked up.

 

There is a newness to my attention to the subject of love. Until I had my kids, I had not truly experienced it. I didn't obsess or question it to such an unreserved depth. I just enjoyed it. It was entirely natural.

 

When I fell in love with xMOM (this became conscious 3 years ago) I questioned and researched. Seriously, light-heartedly and with interest. So many friends in less than satisfactory Ms was also a stimulus.

 

As you don't really know me Owl, I'll take your post as being mistaken rather than as a dig .

 

At my wedding 12 years ago, I could not find a suitable reading on the subject of love. This didn't phase me. I had no idea about it. It was outside of my remit.

 

Perhaps coming to the subject rather late in life is a reason for my 'obsession'. Rather than my thinking it the 'answer to all'.

 

Also, before entertaining a future R, I want to have my head straight about it. I will probably not marry again, but if I do, you can bet there will be a poem about love or three in the service.

 

I am as concerned with why I M without this feeling as I am in discussing what it means to love (in an A or not).

 

My thought would be to STOP trying to compare romantic love with that of a child to a parent. There are all kinds of love...and for the most part, there is simply no comparisons. Apples to field mice.

 

If you want to better understand romantic love specifically, that's great. So here are a couple of books I'd suggest. "The Five Love Languages", by Chapman I think. Also take a look at the concepts of "The Love Bank" that are in many of Harley's books, and on the marriagebuilders.com free material (but AVOID THE FORUMS THERE).

 

Both of these resources have great concepts on how romantic love is formed, maintained, and even potentially destroyed in a relationship. Excellent resources that help explain what makes people feel loved, lose those feelings, and how to avoid doing so. They also explain a good deal about the different 'stages' of romantic love.

 

Granted, they'll never cause the reader of romance novels to bat an eye, but they're a good practical application type read.