Wisteria Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 It seems like most folks on here are proponents of no contact. Folks on here and irl have recommended it for my situation (was good friends with an ex, now feel horribly used by him and he essentially dumped me as a friend for another girl). My question is: Is NC really the best way to go in all situations? Are there times when it's better to just "fake it till you make it" and just pretend you don't care? Part of me really does want him out of my life, especially since he seems to have no clue, no matter how many times we've talked, exactly why I'm mad. He keeps contacting me, and keeps wanting to have long discussions about how I've got the whole situation wrong. But another part of me is thinking, just chill out. I'm going to have the choice whether or not to see him in the fall, when he comes back to get some things I've demanded he take from my house. I could tell him to come at a certain time, leave the door open and let him get his things. But he always acts so perplexed over what's going on between us. Every attempt to sever anything between us leads to him e-mailing me asking what's wrong with me, and generally insinuating I'm unstable. And I'm actually starting to feel unstable due to this whole mess! Maybe I just need to chill out, be friendly to him, and try get to know this new girl. I've started to suspect (and have been told) that he's dating her just to make me jealous. Maybe if I actually stop being jealous, I'll finally get over it. Just to make sure we're clear on this, this guy regularly contacts me and spends a lot of time posting friendly things on my Facebook page. I've told him I'm considering cutting off contact before, and he told me he would really hate for that to happen. Thoughts?
smudge21 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 NC is a choice not a rule. If you can handle the emotional turmoil of still being in contact with an ex and think it may be best for you, then stay as you are. I tried that, but soon realised that I couldn't remain in contact when I wanted so much more then what she was prepared to give me, so I went NC. Every situation is different and you do what is right for you. If you continue to hurt then try NC. You have to think about yourself first, not about what the ex may or may not be feeling. For me NC is a chance to remove all those emotional feelings, move on, find someone new, and at some point get that friendship back that I had with my ex - it was very good and that to me is worth keeping, but I can only do that once my head is clear and my heart is free. That takes time.
Rose T Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I know that NC can seem extreme, especially if you'd like to keep a door open to an ex, but it is a valuable tool in your relationship tool box - when in doubt, a bit of space and silence even for a limited time can help clear your head. If you don't actively communicate that you're going NC, the other person just sees you pulling back, cooling off etc which seems to be what you'd like to convey here. You could also opt for NIC (no initiated contact) and leave him to do the work. However, you mention a couple of issues here which make me wonder if you'd be better off giving him the full silent treatment now. He doesn't seem very respectful of your boundaries, insists on contacting you, posting stuff on FB for attention etc. The more draining or toxic exes are, the more NC can help us recharge our batteries. I know you don't want to look too 'hurt' or 'wierd' by going NC, because he calls you out on it. But why should he get to call all the shots? He chooses not to be with you, dates someone else (I'm sorry, but I think it's unlikely he's doing it just to make you jealous), wants to poke you on FB and get a rise and an ego stroke when it pleases him. You know what? If you go NC, you don't have to justify your behaviour to him on email. You don't have to let him keep trampling over your boundaries. You can also reduce his posting priveleges on your FB if you think that defriending him is too much but you can narrow his options for contacting you and spying into your world. If you want respect and anything more in the future, I'd drop out of things and let him wonder about you. You can always respond vaguely if he does manage to get a hold of you. Even just try it for a month or two and see if it gives you some clarity. The site baggage reclaim (dot co dot uk) has an excellent article about whether NC is "one size fits all solution", have a look at "breaking up and moving on by cutting contact part 2" on that site for other really helpful stuff.
Author Wisteria Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Thanks for the responses. I appreciate them! Rose, I found Baggage Reclaim the other day. It's a great site!
Author Wisteria Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Also, I guess I'm wondering how much face-to-face contact to have with him when he returns to my town in the fall. Previously, he would actually stay with me when he visited, and we would go to my uncle's house in the mountains together. I've already told him that I think seeing him twice would be appropriate, and that the trip to the mountains is out (he can go visit my uncle on his own if he likes. He really likes him.) He was surprised and seemed hurt when I told him that. I've offered to take everything at my house that I know is his over to a friend's house. I've actually already taken a lot of things to his friend's house against his wishes (he really wanted everything to stay at my house). Every time I think I've gotten rid of any reason for him to come to my house, he finds another one.
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