7yr relatiohsip eneded need and

[Ace82]

Hello everyone,

 

i will try and keep my situation short but with as much info as possible. Ive been with now my ex gf for 7yrs roughly 8 actually we were friends for about a year before dating. In that time we have experienced alot of highs and lows.

We are different in many ways but enjoy alot of things together. I have never had a girl that i hated and loved the most ( given time and situation).

 

She broke up with me roughly 3 weeks ago, and before that had been on a break of sorts, were we'd hang out and do all the things we did as a couple but without the title. this time however is much different. She broke up with me and the last time i was insistent that it wasnt over and then eventually we got back. This time she has done alot, changed her FB status and been going out every weekend partying and such. I asked her 3 weeks ago if this was a break or she needed time to think and she said she couldnt get back into this relationship. After going NC for 3weeks, last week she sent me an email saying she wanted to be friends and no bad blood between us. I havent answered that email, but did send her a txt 3days ago hoping everything was ok etc. very short. She messaged back saying everything was and that i hadnt answered my email and if everything was ok. I didnt respond. WE dont talk, txt, email or anything period but i hear from others that shes having a good time based on FB updates... I dont have FB so i have no idea.

She broke up with me given our current situation. Basically ive been in and out of jobs and have been depressed for sometime. She would help me get out of depression spells and encouraging me and such, and to be honest i think she just had enough. She would pay for alot of things and basically ended up being my mother even though we had talk about these things.

 

So basically i need some advice or help. I miss her alot, think about her alot even though im really trying this NC concept. This is what im faced with. Im thinking i should lay it on the line and say listen i really love you and want you in my life. I want to take time to fix things in my life, so perhaps me and her could have a life. The other is continue with the NC fix my life and see what happens when my life is up to par. Now most will see the obvious approach to take but i really want the truth from her on how she feels. 7yr relationship who knows how she feels. I was her first serious relationship esp of this length and same on my end. I just want to know if theres a chance with us or how she is feeling. I know on my end things must change but they wont over night and i know its unfair to ask her to wait. What should i do? Lay it on the line and ask her or NC and maybe 6months down the line show up in her life again?

 

thanks

[Kuite09]

Hello everyone,

 

i will try and keep my situation short but with as much info as possible. Ive been with now my ex gf for 7yrs roughly 8 actually we were friends for about a year before dating. In that time we have experienced alot of highs and lows.

We are different in many ways but enjoy alot of things together. I have never had a girl that i hated and loved the most ( given time and situation).

 

She broke up with me roughly 3 weeks ago, and before that had been on a break of sorts, were we'd hang out and do all the things we did as a couple but without the title. this time however is much different. She broke up with me and the last time i was insistent that it wasnt over and then eventually we got back. This time she has done alot, changed her FB status and been going out every weekend partying and such. I asked her 3 weeks ago if this was a break or she needed time to think and she said she couldnt get back into this relationship. After going NC for 3weeks, last week she sent me an email saying she wanted to be friends and no bad blood between us. I havent answered that email, but did send her a txt 3days ago hoping everything was ok etc. very short. She messaged back saying everything was and that i hadnt answered my email and if everything was ok. I didnt respond. WE dont talk, txt, email or anything period but i hear from others that shes having a good time based on FB updates... I dont have FB so i have no idea.

She broke up with me given our current situation. Basically ive been in and out of jobs and have been depressed for sometime. She would help me get out of depression spells and encouraging me and such, and to be honest i think she just had enough. She would pay for alot of things and basically ended up being my mother even though we had talk about these things.

 

So basically i need some advice or help. I miss her alot, think about her alot even though im really trying this NC concept. This is what im faced with. Im thinking i should lay it on the line and say listen i really love you and want you in my life. I want to take time to fix things in my life, so perhaps me and her could have a life. The other is continue with the NC fix my life and see what happens when my life is up to par. Now most will see the obvious approach to take but i really want the truth from her on how she feels. 7yr relationship who knows how she feels. I was her first serious relationship esp of this length and same on my end. I just want to know if theres a chance with us or how she is feeling. I know on my end things must change but they wont over night and i know its unfair to ask her to wait. What should i do? Lay it on the line and ask her or NC and maybe 6months down the line show up in her life again?

 

thanks

 

 

Hi Ace,

Sorry to hear about your situation but I know exactly how you feel.

It was 7 yrs for me too...heres my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t283928/

 

Tomorrow would've been 4 weeks NC, but I did text him for Fathers Day and I ended up texting him lastnight.

I know everyone keeps saying, dont call, dont text etc but in my heart I had to just say I miss you and Love you.

 

I know its hard but maybe NC for a little while would be go for you too but once you let things cool half you can shoot her a text like how I sent him a text to see how she responds.

 

He did reply and today he texted again since I never responded to his reply yesterday.

[Ace82]

thanks Kuite 09,

 

I actaully read your story before signing up today and your story in combination with others have helped. Even though im thinking i want to contact her, what am i trying to say? Why would i say hey i miss you and i love you but they dont? I just feel, even when thinking about sending it in a message that it feels right. I mean even if she response hey i miss you and love you to but we cannot be would that be better? I guess in a sense i wish i knew how she really felt. People say NC is good cause while shes partying now, shes thinking about the relationship while at work or at nights when not with friends.

Question: Does randomly meeting new people make the emotional ties go faster? Reading all your stories have me in back in fourth situation like should i or should i not?

[Ace82]

Kuite09,

 

When you txt'd your ex, what where you hoping for in return? How was your feelings at that point, were you confused, or scared of loosing him or you needed closure? I feel like im not sure what it is i want for sure, my heart says i need them back in my life cause they were my best friend and trusted confidant amongst other things. You see i have friends quite a bit but none really close like she became and now that i look at it for the past 5 years atleast haven't made any new ones and she grew closer to my circle of friends.

[Kuite09]

Kuite09,

 

When you txt'd your ex, what where you hoping for in return? How was your feelings at that point, were you confused, or scared of loosing him or you needed closure? I feel like im not sure what it is i want for sure, my heart says i need them back in my life cause they were my best friend and trusted confidant amongst other things. You see i have friends quite a bit but none really close like she became and now that i look at it for the past 5 years atleast haven't made any new ones and she grew closer to my circle of friends.

 

ACE,

 

When I texted him I was so freaking scared you have no idea.

I havnt spoken to him in days other than Fathers Day and thats it.

Everyone was like dont do nothing etc.. I was like you know what no one is really in my shoes and they don't feel the pain I am currently feeling.

 

ITS 7 YRS NOT 7 MONTHS!!!!!

 

This is exactly how it went....

I texted him saying" Hope your having a nice weekend, I just wanted to let you know I miss you and no matter what I will always love you"

 

He didnt reply till like 20 mins later, I was freaking out I felt so stupid.

but when he replied to said:

"and u know, i feel the same. Always"

 

So i left it like that, I couldnt even sleep lastnight. Yea, I was glad he texted but I wanted to hear more.....hes use to me blowing up his phone or going at it with texts messages but I didnt.

 

So then this afternoon I got a text from him saying:

"Thank you for the text yesterday. It made my eyes water, but put a smile on my face.

 

I replied:

"I just wanted to let you know how I feel, I miss you alot and I hope one day things can be different"

 

His reply:"

" I miss you too. Maybe one day it can. Hope your doing ok.

 

And thats it, I did send no more texts.

 

I wanted to continue and talk to him of course but I just rather leave him thinking cuz I know for sure lastnight I left him thinking.

 

I love this man so much you have no clue and im scared if time keeps going by that we just drift apart and hes lose more and more feelings for me.

 

ITS SUCH A HARD SPOT TO BE IN.

[Ace82]

You know, i have some idea of how your thinking....

I applaud you for doing what you did... it took guts and putting your heart out there to potentially be broken again is not easy. I dont think i could put myself through the potential of being hurt again, but i would like to know how she feels or what shes thinking. I dont want to force her into anything, however i want to let her know that i love her and want to be a different person than i am now, and not for her but for me. You see im not the same person i was when she met me and she told me so. I dont want to be the guy she met and fell in love with, i want to be better.

 

Kuite09, have u tried dating anyone else or talking to new people that ever peaked your interested to move on? I have different days where no girl compares to her...then other days im head turning every direction at all the pretty girls i see.

[Kuite09]

You know, i have some idea of how your thinking....

I applaud you for doing what you did... it took guts and putting your heart out there to potentially be broken again is not easy. I dont think i could put myself through the potential of being hurt again, but i would like to know how she feels or what shes thinking. I dont want to force her into anything, however i want to let her know that i love her and want to be a different person than i am now, and not for her but for me. You see im not the same person i was when she met me and she told me so. I dont want to be the guy she met and fell in love with, i want to be better.

 

Kuite09, have u tried dating anyone else or talking to new people that ever peaked your interested to move on? I have different days where no girl compares to her...then other days im head turning every direction at all the pretty girls i see.

 

Hey Ace,

 

Right after our break up I went thru a lot of personal family issues and then in May I hurt my ankle so I havn't really been on dates or nothing but I have been talking to people here and there but nothing of course compares to him.

 

However, once I get better and can start going out with no cast or anything I will be going out and trying to meet a lot more people.

This is our 2nd break up and last break up I went into partying single mood but this time around I am not really into all that as much.

[Rinas]

Im thinking i should lay it on the line and say listen i really love you and want you in my life. I want to take time to fix things in my life, so perhaps me and her could have a life.

 

DO NOT do this.

 

She has decided that she wants it to end. This will not be attractive to her. As much as you want to do this, try your best to stay clear.

 

If she were to reject this, you'd be back at square one feeling worse. You will help yourself out more by sticking to NC.

 

Id suggest keeping up with NC. Also, let her know that friendship is out of the question (at least during this time). Right now you are going through many emotions of the breakup and the last thing you need now is a reminder of your past.

 

Don't answer her calls, messages/texts, anything. If she feels that she can get your attention whenever she wants, why will she want to come back? She cannot have her cake and eat it too.

 

7 years is a long time to let go of. If she sees what she is missing after she is out of the fog, she may come back. If she does it's your choice to reconcile.

 

If she doesn't, you'll be moved on and glad that you stuck out NC.

[Ace82]

Rinas,

 

thanks for answering. I've been going through these emotions for awhile you know because i have fear of her just out partying and getting along so well after this breakup. Financially, im not in a position to be partying every weekend like her so i guess its harder for me and i have more time to think than she does. She was my best friend, and as all you know that prob hurts the most. Even though i want keep the NC i wanted to know once and for all if it over... im not sure how to do that... i mean couples get back together to break up again.... i just want to get back together and fix the things up... and i just want to know deep down if there is a chance of that.... i don't see time doing that but that just how i feel now. NC has been the hardest thing ive had to do in long time..when we fought, i couldn't go two days without trying to fix issues cause id miss her and just want to talk to her again. Now im faced with possible never talking to her again. How do i let her know what i cannot be friend with her, not now anyways..how do i go about writing that? She sent me an email asking to be friends but i havent answered that

[Ace82]

Kutie09,

 

I too have had personal family issues and is currently trying to work on having a better relationship with my family. I have tried to look at other females with a new perspective, but i cant seem to shake her when im looking at others. She was a very big part of my life and step out of it for good reason. Im not sure if i would be able to get the truth from her anyways about how she feels or if she ever would want me back. It just seems as if she doesnt care anymore, like a giant weight has been lifted from her and that weight is me. 7yrs with me and in three weeks shes out having the time of her life

[Kuite09]

Kutie09,

 

I too have had personal family issues and is currently trying to work on having a better relationship with my family. I have tried to look at other females with a new perspective, but i cant seem to shake her when im looking at others. She was a very big part of my life and step out of it for good reason. Im not sure if i would be able to get the truth from her anyways about how she feels or if she ever would want me back. It just seems as if she doesnt care anymore, like a giant weight has been lifted from her and that weight is me. 7yrs with me and in three weeks shes out having the time of her life

 

Ace,

 

The reason why shes out is most likely cuz she doesnt have anything else better to do, yea shes going out and having fun but that gets real old trust me.

I went thru that during my last break up with my ex, we both did actually.

 

I was feeling like that all these weeks, today is 4 weeks I havnt heard his voice but the fact he texted what he did the other day did make me feel better but I still aint completely happy of course.

I been crying and hurting asking why did he just forget about me, why? When hes told me Im his everything, the love of his life etc.

During our last break up we never even went a whole week without atleast hearing from each other so during this break up I know its serious and its a scary feeling to losing the man I love.

 

Maybe u should keep NC for a lil more and not say nothing let time pass and then if you want to show her how you feel then you go right ahead but don't act desperate or nothing like that just shoot her a text or something but for now let things cool off.

 

May I ask...is your ex younger than you cuz sometimes us girls when we are young we tend to want to be single for a bit and get the partying out our system.

[Ace82]

kutie09,

 

In fact she is younger than i am.. I just turned 29 in may and shes turning 26 in November. I started dating her when she was 18 and im her first serious bf and she was my most serious relationship. She has said before that she knows nothing outside of this relationship, and said before that she wanted to know what it was like to be single when we had a "break". She doing a bunch of partying, drinking, and dancing and such. How did you and your ex feel while doing this? did it help move on, or did it make you think about the other more?

[Kuite09]

kutie09,

 

In fact she is younger than i am.. I just turned 29 in may and shes turning 26 in November. I started dating her when she was 18 and im her first serious bf and she was my most serious relationship. She has said before that she knows nothing outside of this relationship, and said before that she wanted to know what it was like to be single when we had a "break". She doing a bunch of partying, drinking, and dancing and such. How did you and your ex feel while doing this? did it help move on, or did it make you think about the other more?

 

Well Im 28 and my ex is 35.

When we broke up the first time like I said earlier we would talk, email or text atleast every week or so. It wasnt all good nice sweet talk but we spoke and I bumped into him a few times at some clubs or bars and honestly no matter what I did and who I hung out with I missed him like hell.

We were apart for a whole year. I dated other guys just to entertain myself and I traveled and did things to not think about him but I knew he always had a place in my heart and hes told me the same thing.

When we were apart he said no matter what I was always thinking about you, he went into depression during the last break up becuz there was a point I was just like don't call me, or nothing just leave me alone. Then he started to chase me like crazy and tried everything in his power to make it work again so a while after I decided to get back with him.

 

Thats what scares me now that this time I don't think hes going thru depression or nothing. In the month of May, I was driving him nuts..calling, bickering, arguing etc. Which made have pushed him away even more.

 

So now its just a waiting game to see what happens. Im going to continue living my life and see what happens, remember it was 7 years which is a long time and if its true love it will work.

Thats all I can tell myself at this point.

[Ace82]

The first time she approached me and said she wanted a break to figure things out and be single i never really made that happen... it was merely 2 weeks, but then i would call her txt her and we'd talk almost everyday. Eventually she wanted to meet up and we fell back into seeing eachother... Since then at this point i know its serious cause she wont call txt or email. She said getting together so soon was a mistake and we didnt take time to observe things. This time around i gave her 2 weeks of space, and she emails saying she made the right decision and wants to be friends. This is the problem i have with NC currently. It doesnt seem effective esp since last time i kinda forced myself back in, and she admitted that she still had feelings for me even though she said she didn't. I just dont think she is coming back this time, not after everything but i dont believe that she entirely out of love just yet at least IMO. I begged her to see me last time and eventually she did, we talked for a good time and talked about the relationship. Now she feels as like that cannot happen and shes moved on entirely... do i think shes met someone... possible since shes partying all the time... but i have a hard time letting go. SO kutie09, did thinks just come together when u guys got back together after a year or so? Did u guys start dating again or just back to how it was almost immediately?

[Kuite09]

The first time she approached me and said she wanted a break to figure things out and be single i never really made that happen... it was merely 2 weeks, but then i would call her txt her and we'd talk almost everyday. Eventually she wanted to meet up and we fell back into seeing eachother... Since then at this point i know its serious cause she wont call txt or email. She said getting together so soon was a mistake and we didnt take time to observe things. This time around i gave her 2 weeks of space, and she emails saying she made the right decision and wants to be friends. This is the problem i have with NC currently. It doesnt seem effective esp since last time i kinda forced myself back in, and she admitted that she still had feelings for me even though she said she didn't. I just dont think she is coming back this time, not after everything but i dont believe that she entirely out of love just yet at least IMO. I begged her to see me last time and eventually she did, we talked for a good time and talked about the relationship. Now she feels as like that cannot happen and shes moved on entirely... do i think shes met someone... possible since shes partying all the time... but i have a hard time letting go. SO kutie09, did thinks just come together when u guys got back together after a year or so? Did u guys start dating again or just back to how it was almost immediately?

 

 

 

Ace,

 

Since last time he was the one that broke up wit me also, he sure did his chasing.

I wanted to take it slow becuz I was still in single/party mode with my friends and of course I was being selfish and wanted the best of both worlds.

Well I let go of the partying and we started it off slow I didnt even tell my fam I was back with him. He talked about the next step, moving in etc and I was like wait lets see what happens.

So we pretty much took it slow, then he started to catch me on some things thats made everything worse again and towards the end of 2010 things werent looking good at all.

 

We never had that real space like we have now, Like I said earlier no matter what during the last break up I will see him here and there and especially stay in contact of him.

So this is the first time with really no contact and the last time I saw him was when I was at the hospital for my injury Memorial weekend.

 

So I know this time everything is different, maybe with time he'll forget about me and i'll forget about him (thats why im so scared of NC) but I really hope not.

[Ace82]

Kutie09,

 

thats the same fear i have this time around. Its not like the first time, and i think the first time shes was unsure. This time i believe that she thinks its over and trying to move on past it. That' where i feel like i have one last shot to say hey plz give us one more shot? I dunno what to do at all you know?

You are me, ok what would you do?

[Kuite09]

Kutie09,

 

thats the same fear i have this time around. Its not like the first time, and i think the first time shes was unsure. This time i believe that she thinks its over and trying to move on past it. That' where i feel like i have one last shot to say hey plz give us one more shot? I dunno what to do at all you know?

You are me, ok what would you do?

 

Ace,

Remeber, my man broke up with me too.

I did do the no contact until this past Sunday when I said, forget what everyone is telling me to do and just text him with what I feel.

I did and I got a pretty good response.

 

however, I did let 3 who weeks go by with no contact so all the drama from May was able to cool down you kno.

[Ace82]

This is the long weekend and im sure shes already got plans to go out and party. I was thinking of asking her what her plans was and if she wanted to meet up for like coffee or something. in 2 weeks there is a wedding between mutual friends and we are both going to be there. Should i just wait til then? i mean i dont even want to see her but i do in a sense. Havent heard her voice in three weeks roughly, and havent seen her in about that time too. Seeing her now will kill me i know of this, but i really want to. I miss everything about her and want to talk to her badly.

[Kuite09]

This is the long weekend and im sure shes already got plans to go out and party. I was thinking of asking her what her plans was and if she wanted to meet up for like coffee or something. in 2 weeks there is a wedding between mutual friends and we are both going to be there. Should i just wait til then? i mean i dont even want to see her but i do in a sense. Havent heard her voice in three weeks roughly, and havent seen her in about that time too. Seeing her now will kill me i know of this, but i really want to. I miss everything about her and want to talk to her badly.

 

 

Well why don't you try to hold off till the wedding then? that would be good to keep it cool like you have and just see her at the wedding.

Maybe you guys can have a lil casual convo or something....I think thats a good idea.

 

I would do that if I were you...if I knew I would see him in 2 weeks i'll hold off on everything since I knew I would see him and of course when you see each other in person its sometimes even easier to speak and stuff cuz the feelings are there you know.

[Rinas]

If she wanted to get back together, she'd let you know. She's the dumper,

she only cares about herself now. She's out partying while you sit at home, there is something terribly wrong with that situation!

 

It's time to care about yourself more too. You can mail her, nobody is stopping you, but if it's negative you will be in a worse place.

 

As I said, she left the relationship, once a breakup is made, it's final. Id do your best to move on.

 

As for responding to her email, something along the lines of --

 

"While I'm flattered that you'd still like to be friends, friendship is not something that I can provide at this time. I am in the process of moving on. Perhaps in the future when we've both moved on fully, than we can pursue a friendship.

 

Until then It would be best if we would go no contact. Sincerely yournamehere. "

 

The above, in a way also lets her know that you are open to reconcile, as it says you're in attempt to move on. By answering in this manor, you don't need to put yourself out there and say that you want to try again. This saves you from possible rejection, and shows her that you're on your way to moving on.

 

If she still cares at this point, she'd want to stop you from moving on, thus

trying to reconcile.

 

Again, NC is key.

[Ace82]

Rinas,

 

Thanks for the reply, I hear what your saying and understand that i should be doing the same. However, im not in the same boat as shes in. She broke up with me so im hurt and what not, and shes got a group of friends that are more in touch with her than my friends are. My friends are all like do this and do that, but are never around to hang out with even.

You sound like a very strong person and im just not there yet. I feel like im just wallowing thinking about what shes upto u know and shes having so much fun moving on and enjoying herself. It funny cause i cant imagine myself feeling like this for a person who clearly does not have the same feelings.

[Ace82]

Kutie09,

 

I believe i will try and hold off til the wedding. At first i was not going to go just cause i wouldnt be ready to see her and would have that built up emotion. Im still thinking of not going i just dont know how i would reach seeing her smile and full of life from what i hear. I wish i could txt her and get a response like you did, but i think it just about done for that. I dunno what im even hanging onto really, im sitting here just trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what the hell is going on. I want to txt her now and just find out if she got a job offer that she was supposed to find out if she got by today. Should I?

[Rinas]

Sometimes you need to push yourself out of the rut. You don't need to party, you just need to spend some time with family members or friends.

 

Break ups are never easy, that's why you need to keep yourself occupied. It's good to get all the emotions out, but don't drown yourself. You need to have some fun times too!

 

Don't let the breakup consume you! If your friends are busy, pick up a hobby.

 

Posting on LS is actually helpful, it helps you get your emotions out. There is a coping thread as well, it'd be a good idea to post your anger and vents there too.

 

When I fough with my SO (even when we were broken up briefly) I normally directed my focus elsewhere. Go shopping, paint, swim, or just chat online.

 

You may think that she is 100% enjoying life, but don't forget that she too is mourning the relationship. Just because someone says her FB status says otherwise, doesn't make it truthful.

 

You are more than just your past relationship!

[Kuite09]

Kutie09,

 

I believe i will try and hold off til the wedding. At first i was not going to go just cause i wouldnt be ready to see her and would have that built up emotion. Im still thinking of not going i just dont know how i would reach seeing her smile and full of life from what i hear. I wish i could txt her and get a response like you did, but i think it just about done for that. I dunno what im even hanging onto really, im sitting here just trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what the hell is going on. I want to txt her now and just find out if she got a job offer that she was supposed to find out if she got by today. Should I?

 

No Ace, I think you should hold off a lil.

[Ace82]

Rinas,

 

your SO is that an exs of yours or someone you found after your ex? I understand that my current relationship is over, but if i change myself for the better would u suggest trying to reconcile with her if shes willing and available? Should i even be considering that? I feel that if i was ready in my life a year from now i would have married her, man does that seem like yester year