Do I have the right to ask for an explanation?

[The_Good_Me]

Hi guys

 

About 11 weeks ago I was dumped by my now ex-fiance. We were together for 10 years. I am 28 and she has been my only girlfriend.

 

I initially gave her some space for a while but then it dawned that we were really broke up. I did the usual begging and pleading thing on 2 separate occasions and only a handful of text were sent. I did a lot of research online for the first 6 weeks and up until that point I still retained that 1% of hope that we would reconcile. I learned a lot from reading these forums and other sites and I finally severed that last 1% of hope. Finally I could concentrate on me and move on (sort of).

 

Unfortunately I haven’t been given a reason why we split up and it all happened so suddenly. In the last week of the relationship we slept together on the Saturday and spent the rest of the day snuggled up together. We were very close on the Sunday after that. On Monday I was mysteriously ignored, and then again on Tuesday and then on Wednesday. I didn’t say anything at the time because I just thought she was angry about something and gave her space until she was ready to talk to me. On Thursday I got a text saying “I’m going for a drink after work with a mate.” I told her “That’s fine but when you come back can we talk? I feel as though you’ve been avoiding me 24/7”. I got the dreaded reply “Yeah, we do need to talk”. Because it happened so suddenly I did ask if it was another man and I thank god that I didn’t bark that at her or accuse her. She responded politely and said no while looking me in the eye and I believed her. I still do but I have been lied to before. Now I’m not saying I all of a sudden believe there is another man as it could be a number of reasons.

 

At the end of the 6th week I think it was I sent her a letter. I apologised for the things that I knew at least contributed to the breakup but those things don’t warrant an immediate break up. Not only has she broken up with me but she moved out of our house within 2 weeks and then into a flat within a month after that. It’s obviously a clear sign of “I don’t want to be with you anymore and don’t want anything to do with you!” but she has said things like “I still care about you!” which again I believed. We weren’t just lovers, we have been best friends for years! Anyway at the end of the letter I told her that the last act of love I could give her is to let her go and reassure her that she is an amazing person who will no doubt find her success story in life. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever written but it was from the heart and it felt good that the last thing I did for her was a good one.

 

For the last 5 weeks I’ve moved city as everything was reminding me of her. I’ve deleted the photo’s I was linked to her on facebook and thrown away all of her stuff (there was nothing of value, just a few odd cups, keychains and the odd nicknacks that she gave me). There was a photograph of her and her mum that I found among her things and it was a really nice photo. I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away so I took it to her Mums house. I didn’t speak to her mum, I just posted it through the door with a short letter saying basically “Found this, thought you’d like it” and that was about 2 weeks ago. I accept its part of breaking NC but that doesn’t matter at this point.

 

Now I know we will never get back together and I am not working to that end. I suppose I would consider it if she came back but I would probably scare her off with how strong I have become. I wouldn’t want her back if she simply missed me as I realise getting back together on those terms don’t work in the long run. She would have to really love me, be sorry for her side of the break up, acknowledge I have problems and more importantly be willing and want to work on them as a couple. Even then I would have to see how I felt at the time as she has really hurt me and I don’t know if I could trust her again. I really honestly don’t think that’s coming though and I think it’s healthier not to expect it as it will just set me back in the healing process. Just felt I should let you know where my head is at on that front.

 

The problem now is that I feel there is only one thing left standing in the way of me healing properly and that’s a full on explanation of what happened. I keep second guessing in my mind because there has been such as massive lack of communication. I know you should not break NC because you’re supposed to be healing but I’m just not healing, not properly anyway. I know it’s only been a short while since the breakup and I’m probably trying to rush it but I feel that I deserve an honest explanation. We were together for 10 years and she ended it suddenly, I think I should be able to ask her for a proper explanation and it’s the least she could do for a friend.

 

The dilemma I face is I’ve already told her I’m going to leave her to her new life and wished her well. Plus she might actually be hurting too and I could be hindering her healing by breaking NC. I don’t want to cause her any upset but at the same time I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I thought I would stop as I was so strong at the time I sent the letter but now it’s pretty much the only thing on my mind. I guess I just need to know what I’m facing, what I need to fix to be happy and to make someone else happy in the future. I do not want to break NC in the hopes of getting back together; I want to break it to give me the chance to heal effectively.

 

What are your thoughts on this? Do I have the right to ask for this explanation? Or do I need to man up and try to move on without the explanation? I know it’s only been 11 weeks and the first answer would be to give it some more time in the hope that these thoughts will dwindle but this is one of those things that I can’t see leaving my mind in the near or distant future. We were together for such a long time and I just can’t accept it’s ended without the full story.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read all this

[lalalandman]

Full story: She left you and is seeing someone else. She's lying to you. Wants to keep you on a string. She's adding you to her collection.

 

To hell with her

Edited June 27, 2011 by lalalandman

[thelovingkind]

The problem now is that I feel there is only one thing left standing in the way of me healing properly and that’s a full on explanation of what happened.

 

She likely doesn't know herself what happened, and if she knows what happened then she probably doesn't know why it happened, and even if she knew both the odds of her actually sharing that are slim.

 

I've done this both ways: had long, overwrought discussions about where and when things started to go wrong and picked through the carcass of the relationship together for some shreds of closure, and I've also had simple, straight-forward goodbyes with just a sentence or two of explanation. The latter are by far preferable. The best ever was my most recent ex, who said simply "God knows what's gotten into me but I feel nothing for our future anymore."

 

We all imagine there is some kind of explanation with the power of a "lightbulb moment" to help relieve our agony and make us see their side of things. There isn't one. As far as our minds are concerned, our exes were supposed to be with us, they were supposed to want to be with us, and the dissonance of them not wanting that is unscalable. You can't break it down with logic and evidence, you can only walk away from it and let time and distance do the healing.

[Kilty]

Nah - get your own closure.

 

No good will come of it on your part.

 

Finding out could and probably will set you back big time especially if there was/is someone else.

 

Plus contacting her after you have sent the final letter thing may also have the affect that she thinks doing that was some sort of game in a round about way to reconcilation PLUS it gives the impression you still care - and thats one thing you dont want her to know.

 

Any further contact has to be initiated by her - and then you take it from there.

 

But you live your life as if thats never going to happen as there is a good chance it wont.

 

Sorry about your situation.

 

There is nothing worse when a relationship goes from one extreme to the other particularly in how you describe what happened.

 

But im afraid it happens a lot

[batsheba]

you are unbelievably strong through all this. keep it up. however, it is a serious mystery to me why she just quit on you without a strong reason to. maybe it was something you just ignored and she bottled up inside that eventually lead to the break up? because women talk all the time how you are like this, like that.

if you need to seek an explanation, go ahead try. if is not given to you, then thats the way it has to be. be strong. be prepared.

after that attempt and nothing is worked out, NC is the way to go. i have been there, seeking answers and explanations. none of them convinced me that is worth breaking up for. all i know was, he did not want me anymore.

he just wanted out. magic was gone.

[Sugarkane]

Full story: She left you and is seeing someone else. She's lying to you. Wants to keep you on a string. She's adding you to her collection.

 

To hell with her

From my experience this is highly likely. I don't think an explaination is really too much to ask for. I'm sure these people wouldn't like it if someone did the same to them. I'd rather have someone actually have a conversation about where things went wrong. It never makes sense when someone just ups and leaves.

[Mack05]

The thing is even if your partner gave you an explanation it's not going to help you going forward. We want an explanation because we want to reconnect. Leaving go and moving on is the hardest thing someone can do when the ending of the relationship leaves us in 'purgatory'.

 

I have posted this alot. Reasons why we want to break NC (but shouldn't)..Hope it helps..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

[LovelyDaze]

First, I am sorry for your pain. 10 years IS a long time.

 

To ask for an explanation would be to put the knife slower and deeper into your heart. NO explanation she could give will make you think, "Alright, sounds right to me. Thanks."

 

No matter what she says, you won't understand it and/or accept that as a satisfying reason to have broken up. Closure can only come from YOU. Be at your best for yourself. Trust me, the pain of letting go feels like a hand in a vice. It is excruciating and you don't want to do it, but you must.

 

Let's say your ex comes back begging and pleading herself. In the state you are in now, you would readily take her back and deep in your heart you know that and that's not good. MANY dumpers come back to their exes because they know what they will desperately accept. You have to be much stronger than you are. So strong that she would have to "prove" her love to you in the form of fixing what is broke by any means necessary.

 

Don't be the kind of ex that she can just fall back on when a new BF fails, she wants a little ego brushing, or misses what's familiar not changing a single one of her old ways causing yet ANOTHER terrible breakup.

 

You deserve more. Believe it.

[heartbreaker]

You said you're moving on.. asking for an explanation will just open new wounds make you want to explain yourself and go over the painful process of trying to fix things or even justify yourself .. I suggest you move on and let her be... hanging on to something that it's worth it is a waste of your precious time..

[The_Good_Me]

Thank you so much to everyone that replied. After reading your posts I have decided to leave her alone. If I ask myself "What would she want?" it's pretty clear that she wants to be left alone and if I don't do that for her then I'll be ashamed of myself.

 

I'd like to reply to you all individually too

 

Full story: She left you and is seeing someone else. She's lying to you. Wants to keep you on a string. She's adding you to her collection.

 

To hell with her

 

You could well be right and I understand that there is a high chance of this. Not knowing for sure, however, is part of the "second guessing" problem. I certainly cannot rule it out as I have read a lot of posts and I have been shocked to see so many relationships suddenly end. How very sad that such wonderful things can end in what seems to us dumpees as bizarre reasons. There are so many reasons for leaving someone out there so I am going to remain open minded as to the actual reason whatever that may be.

 

In regards to her keeping me on a string though, this feels wrong as she initiated NC from the very moment she dumped me. She never once text me first (only replied to my handful of texts with short messages) and she moved out of our house within 2 weeks. She then moved into her own flat within a month of that and I haven't heard from her since I delivered the final letter (which I got a "Thank you for my letter, it means a lot to me"). She seems to have run a mile, cut the string and kept running. I will probably never know why she has done that. I never cheated on her or hit her or anything like that. It's not like her but I have accepted that she felt she had to do it and respect her for having the courage to do it regardless of the pain its left me in.

 

Also I was her first boyfriend so I guess I am the start of the collection

 

She likely doesn't know herself what happened, and if she knows what happened then she probably doesn't know why it happened, and even if she knew both the odds of her actually sharing that are slim.

 

I've done this both ways: had long, overwrought discussions about where and when things started to go wrong and picked through the carcass of the relationship together for some shreds of closure, and I've also had simple, straight-forward goodbyes with just a sentence or two of explanation. The latter are by far preferable. The best ever was my most recent ex, who said simply "God knows what's gotten into me but I feel nothing for our future anymore."

 

We all imagine there is some kind of explanation with the power of a "lightbulb moment" to help relieve our agony and make us see their side of things. There isn't one. As far as our minds are concerned, our exes were supposed to be with us, they were supposed to want to be with us, and the dissonance of them not wanting that is unscalable. You can't break it down with logic and evidence, you can only walk away from it and let time and distance do the healing.

 

Ah good point thelovingkind. I hadn't thought of it like that before. It's definitely a possibility that she doesn't know what happened. I know people that have all of a sudden just lost their feelings. I would like to think she would talk to me though if she did know. Our relationship didn't end on a fight or anything like that. From what I've read online, our break up was very civil and I thank god for that too!

 

You're right, I am definitely hoping for that "lightbulb moment" in the hope of moving on. I'm thankfully no longer in the mind set that "we were meant to be together". I'm now in a bit of a state of confusion and only recently have I thought to myself "She wasn't just my lover, she was my friend for 10 years too and this isn't how you treat a friend.". She should want me to be happy in life and just a bit of info (this was bad, that was bad etc) would help (or so I thought). Then I would at least know what I have to work on to make my next relationship stronger (just for the record, not actually thinking about another relationship yet, I think I'm going to end up with a few trust issues to work on through counselling at some point). I don't want to make the same mistakes again but I cannot work on what I do not know.

 

Your first point though really makes me see that I probably won't actually get that information. I won't hold it against her regardless as that is just unhealthy... even though sometimes I do think that if I hated her, it would be easier to move on. So far I've let me feelings flow through me and I've surprised myself not to experience hate so far... dunno if that is yet to come or not, I guess it will depend on how my healing goes over the coming year or 2 (I'm expecting it to take a long time since we were together for so long).

 

Thank you for making me look at this in a new light everything like this is really helpful.

 

Nah - get your own closure.

 

No good will come of it on your part.

 

Finding out could and probably will set you back big time especially if there was/is someone else.

 

Plus contacting her after you have sent the final letter thing may also have the affect that she thinks doing that was some sort of game in a round about way to reconcilation PLUS it gives the impression you still care - and thats one thing you dont want her to know.

 

Any further contact has to be initiated by her - and then you take it from there.

 

But you live your life as if thats never going to happen as there is a good chance it wont.

 

Sorry about your situation.

 

There is nothing worse when a relationship goes from one extreme to the other particularly in how you describe what happened.

 

But im afraid it happens a lot

 

Thank you for your reply Kilty, you too made me see something in a different light. If I contact her now, she may see the letter as a ploy for reconciliation. I definitely do not want her thinking that as I was very proud of myself for writing the letter. To end my part of the relationship on an act of love (letting her go and wishing her well) is something I can smile about and makes me feel good about myself. I do not want to risk having the letter seem like anything other than a good deed from a nice person.

 

I'm not sure if I could be set back in the healing process at this stage though of course I could be wrong about that. I am in a pretty strong place at the moment. I've moved closer to friends and I'm meeting new interesting people. I'm using my new found spare time to do things I couldn't really get into while I was with my partner and trying new things my new friends are suggesting. It's all quite exciting it's just a shame I cannot experience these new things with her. I obviously have my odd down days where nothing will stop me thinking about her and I'll have a little cry. It usually ends with a smile though as I remember to appreciate that I got to be with such a wonderful girl for 10 whole years! In my current state of mind (I appreciate the mind can change it's way of thinking at any moment during break ups) this "not knowing" appears to be the last hurdle but it's safe to say that I won't attempt to jump it anymore.

 

Thank you for sympathising with my situation you appear to be right when you say that relationships end in this sort of way a lot. I have seen a lot of heart ache out there and a lot of people saying "She/He left for no reason". I really do feel for everyone out there that experiences this.

 

you are unbelievably strong through all this. keep it up. however, it is a serious mystery to me why she just quit on you without a strong reason to. maybe it was something you just ignored and she bottled up inside that eventually lead to the break up? because women talk all the time how you are like this, like that.

if you need to seek an explanation, go ahead try. if is not given to you, then thats the way it has to be. be strong. be prepared.

after that attempt and nothing is worked out, NC is the way to go. i have been there, seeking answers and explanations. none of them convinced me that is worth breaking up for. all i know was, he did not want me anymore.

he just wanted out. magic was gone.

 

Hi batsheba and thank you for the reply. I think I have been VERY lucky to remain so strong through this and I honestly don't know where it's come from. Sometimes I fear it may just be a HUGE stage of denial and one day I'll regress to what I was like in the early weeks. Those days are hopefully behind me though as I keep looking forwards. I think what helped me get to this stage so quickly was a very early severing of hope of reconciliation. Once I had truly accepted that the relationship was over and there was nothing I could do (or should do for that matter) to try and win her back, my brain seemed to naturally concentrate on me. I realised that living where I was, was making it extremely difficult to move on as everything reminded me of her. We lived in the same village for the 10 years. The roads I drive down, the smells around the area all reminded me of her. I did what a lot of people say not to do and that's isolate yourself. I don't know how many people that works for but it appears to be working for me so far.

 

Anyway back to your input, I'm sure there was a strong reason why she left me as it must have been a huge thing for her to make that decision and leave in the way she did. Whatever I have done I have done it without realising sadly and it would have been nice to of been told what it was. Whatever it was, I would have at least given it a go if I needed to change? Unfortunately my ex was never one to really communicate about the relationship and she has been like that since I've known her. I just thought we were having a great relationship and I never felt I needed to ask her about how she was doing. We were fine on the outside.

 

I think now though it is too late for me to ask for an explanation. It is still something I want right now but I will do as you say and stay strong (well I'll try at least ). One day I know I'm going to be alright and I guess I was just hoping that I could make that sooner rather than later with a chat about what happened.

 

I also would like to take the opportunity to say I am very sorry for what happened to you with your ex. That must have been very tough on you

 

From my experience this is highly likely. I don't think an explaination is really too much to ask for. I'm sure these people wouldn't like it if someone did the same to them. I'd rather have someone actually have a conversation about where things went wrong. It never makes sense when someone just ups and leaves.

 

Thanks for the reply sugarkane. Like I said to lalalandman, this is likely and I shall not rule it out. I just cannot concentrate on it being this as it's second guessing. Whether it's correct or incorrect it changes nothing and I cannot control it.

 

I'm glad you understand that wanting an explanation is a natural thing and could help me. I think when a relationship breaks up, different people experience different things and different things help people get through. Pity there are no guidelines in this situation to help people through. You just gotta do what you feel is right.

 

It doesn't make sense to me why she upped and left but I accept there was a reason and I cannot blame her for leaving if her heart wasn't in the relationship anymore. For now though I am going to leave her be. Who knows, maybe one day I'll get the explanation whether its months down the line or years. I'm expecting never but I'm keeping an open mind.

 

The thing is even if your partner gave you an explanation it's not going to help you going forward. We want an explanation because we want to reconnect. Leaving go and moving on is the hardest thing someone can do when the ending of the relationship leaves us in 'purgatory'.

 

I have posted this alot. Reasons why we want to break NC (but shouldn't)..Hope it helps..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

Hi Mack05. Thank you for your reply it makes a lot of sense but it does seem geared towards you thinking that I want a reconciliation (correct me if I am wrong).

 

If I had decided to break NC to speak to her, it certainly wasn't to reconnect or to try and convince her of anything. I honestly did just want to listen to her side of things to try and understand. That honest to god was my only motive behind this question. I have accepted that we are over and will not reconcile so the only thing left is understanding which I unfortunately do not have.

 

From what you and the other posters have said here, it does seem like even if I get the answeres, they probably won't help very much and especially won't help anywhere near how much I want them too. Because of that I have decided to leave her a lone and work through healing myself along with my network of friends who have thankfully been so great to me through this time.

 

Again to everyone that replied, thank you so much I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post and to reply. It's wonderful to see there are people out there willing to help others

 

Thanks again!

[The_Good_Me]

Just noticed I had 2 more replies, thank you both of you Again I'd like to reply to you individually as well.

 

First, I am sorry for your pain. 10 years IS a long time.

 

To ask for an explanation would be to put the knife slower and deeper into your heart. NO explanation she could give will make you think, "Alright, sounds right to me. Thanks."

 

No matter what she says, you won't understand it and/or accept that as a satisfying reason to have broken up. Closure can only come from YOU. Be at your best for yourself. Trust me, the pain of letting go feels like a hand in a vice. It is excruciating and you don't want to do it, but you must.

 

Let's say your ex comes back begging and pleading herself. In the state you are in now, you would readily take her back and deep in your heart you know that and that's not good. MANY dumpers come back to their exes because they know what they will desperately accept. You have to be much stronger than you are. So strong that she would have to "prove" her love to you in the form of fixing what is broke by any means necessary.

 

Don't be the kind of ex that she can just fall back on when a new BF fails, she wants a little ego brushing, or misses what's familiar not changing a single one of her old ways causing yet ANOTHER terrible breakup.

 

You deserve more. Believe it.

 

Hello LovelyDaze, thank you for replying. When you put it like that, it makes me feel kinda silly that I even thought of this in the first place. You're right, when I think about it like that, there is nothing she could say for me to just instantly accept it haha. Quite funny that I expected that when I think about it

 

I think you do underestimate how strong I have become though. If she came back, I truly believe she would have come back for the wrong reason. Like you suggest, I believe it would either be missing the familiarity or she will have broken up with another person. If she had come back in those first 6 weeks I would have taken her back without a 2nd thought but the research I have done has made me reaslise that reconciliation only works if the original problems are solved. Like I said in my original post, I could only take her back if she could convince me that she was in love with me, that she acknowledges my faults, acknowledges that she has faults and she would need to convince me that she wants to work on those things as a couple. Even if she came back and said the perfect right things, I could only respond with how I felt at the time. I am so weary of her (and any relationship now to tell the truth) now and I know if we reconciled for any other reason, we'd go through a honeymoon period, the problems would re-surface and I'd get dumped again, or I'd dump her. I don't know if I could trust her again which is why I would be adamant that we could only do it if we worked on it as a couple and to me that means couples counselling. I can honestly say that I will definitely NOT take her back if she turned up with tears and "I miss you, I'm sorry". A big long heart to heart would have to follow and I'd base my decision off that! I am trying not to think about this too much (though I obviously have in the past to of written all that out) as I need to believe that we are over and it's over forever!

 

Definitely NOT going to be the kind of easy ex to come back too. I'm sure she will think that of me though but it honestly doesn't bother me. She can see me as a safety net for as long as she likes. I am moving on with my life and so is she so we're both doing the right thing. Knowing that is helping me stay strong.

 

What you have said does make a lot of sense and again confirms that not contacting her is the right thing to do. Thanks again for taking the time to read my post and reply

 

You said you're moving on.. asking for an explanation will just open new wounds make you want to explain yourself and go over the painful process of trying to fix things or even justify yourself .. I suggest you move on and let her be... hanging on to something that it's worth it is a waste of your precious time..

 

Hello Heartbreaker. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. Your advice again confirms that staying away is the right thing to do and that's exactly what i will do.

 

Again thank you everyone

[brokenfaith]

So Sorry to hear about your situation, OP. 10 years is a long time. I can't imagine how rough it is to go through. My situation was only a 1 year relationship but I'm still devastated a month after the BU.

 

I think it's natural for all of us to want an explanation. We get the typical breakup lines and we think that we need to hear MORE. Sometimes, the person we love just doesn't know. In my case, my ex wasn't sure he'd ever settle down again after being through a rough divorce. I was his first relationship after the divorce, and although I was perfect for him, he never had a chance to live his 20s because he was married, and is just now getting to realize that at 26. To me, it seemed like the truth, until he was moving in with a VERY recently separated coworker (and I mean VERY recent. He dumped me and she dumped her hubby a week later, and suddenly they are VERY VERY cozy). She supposedly had nowhere to turn and he so graciously bent over backwards for her. Essentially, choosing her over me.

 

I, like, you, wanted an explanation. I called him out and told him I heard things from people who still had him on FB... I read things on forums that made me believe she was more than a friend. I wanted, craved, needed explanation for closure. He denied it all. I was so mad that I broke the 2 weeks of NC I had started, just to hear him deny it all, which I knew he'd do. But a part of me hoped that as close as we were, he'd give me an explanation. He didn't.

 

2 days later (almost 2 weeks ago now) he emailed me to tell me she was moving in and then continued to justify why he was being nice to her. Because her life is in shambles, blahdy blah. I replied, stupid, I know... but didn't say much. Just told him I thought his decision to help her was a poor one, and left it at that. He fed me more breadcrumbs a week ago, further explaining her woes and why he felt like he needed to be there for her. He then asked me how I was doing and tried to seem all conversational and friendly. I found out later, he took days and days to reply because he was on a weekend trip with her. To a place he took ME.

 

Sometimes, explanations are worthless. I thought him telling me this would instantly push me away, but I held on to hope that he was telling the truth. He was so sincere all the time about US not rushing into moving in...so I believed him. That is, til I found out he took her out of town two weekends in a row and then a friend told me last night he posted a photo on Facebook of him with a group of friends, his arm around her. He ended up deleting the photo, apparently, no explanation there... but luckily someone I know saw it and told me about it.

 

I now know explanations don't always give closure. For me, it made me break down EVERYTHING and try and make sense of anything I could. I've decided to go back to NC for myself, and if he reaches out-- I'll deal with it at that time. I'm sure he will reach out-- particularly if she moves out (her arrangement in living there is supposed to be temporary) and especially if they have a falling out. I'm sure there'll be many "explanations" and breadcrumbs to come.

 

I think you're doing the right thing in letting her go for now. Work on yourself. Work on doing what you need to do to heal. Deal with her contacts when it comes along. If you were together 10 years, it probably will come one day and you want to be ready for that. I keep telling myself that, as well.

Edited June 28, 2011 by brokenfaith

[The_Good_Me]

So Sorry to hear about your situation, OP. 10 years is a long time. I can't imagine how rough it is to go through. My situation was only a 1 year relationship but I'm still devastated a month after the BU.

 

I think it's natural for all of us to want an explanation. We get the typical breakup lines and we think that we need to hear MORE. Sometimes, the person we love just doesn't know. In my case, my ex wasn't sure he'd ever settle down again after being through a rough divorce. I was his first relationship after the divorce, and although I was perfect for him, he never had a chance to live his 20s because he was married, and is just now getting to realize that at 26. To me, it seemed like the truth, until he was moving in with a VERY recently separated coworker (and I mean VERY recent. He dumped me and she dumped her hubby a week later, and suddenly they are VERY VERY cozy). She supposedly had nowhere to turn and he so graciously bent over backwards for her. Essentially, choosing her over me.

 

I, like, you, wanted an explanation. I called him out and told him I heard things from people who still had him on FB... I read things on forums that made me believe she was more than a friend. I wanted, craved, needed explanation for closure. He denied it all. I was so mad that I broke the 2 weeks of NC I had started, just to hear him deny it all, which I knew he'd do. But a part of me hoped that as close as we were, he'd give me an explanation. He didn't.

 

2 days later (almost 2 weeks ago now) he emailed me to tell me she was moving in and then continued to justify why he was being nice to her. Because her life is in shambles, blahdy blah. I replied, stupid, I know... but didn't say much. Just told him I thought his decision to help her was a poor one, and left it at that. He fed me more breadcrumbs a week ago, further explaining her woes and why he felt like he needed to be there for her. He then asked me how I was doing and tried to seem all conversational and friendly. I found out later, he took days and days to reply because he was on a weekend trip with her. To a place he took ME.

 

Sometimes, explanations are worthless. I thought him telling me this would instantly push me away, but I held on to hope that he was telling the truth. He was so sincere all the time about US not rushing into moving in...so I believed him. That is, til I found out he took her out of town two weekends in a row and then a friend told me last night he posted a photo on Facebook of him with a group of friends, his arm around her. He ended up deleting the photo, apparently, no explanation there... but luckily someone I know saw it and told me about it.

 

I now know explanations don't always give closure. For me, it made me break down EVERYTHING and try and make sense of anything I could. I've decided to go back to NC for myself, and if he reaches out-- I'll deal with it at that time. I'm sure he will reach out-- particularly if she moves out (her arrangement in living there is supposed to be temporary) and especially if they have a falling out. I'm sure there'll be many "explanations" and breadcrumbs to come.

 

I think you're doing the right thing in letting her go for now. Work on yourself. Work on doing what you need to do to heal. Deal with her contacts when it comes along. If you were together 10 years, it probably will come one day and you want to be ready for that. I keep telling myself that, as well.

 

Hello brokenfaith, thank you for taking the time to read my post, sympathise and reply Thank you also for sharing your situation as it has shown me that the explanation I wanted before posting on here, isn't such a good idea.

 

I am very sorry to hear what happened as it must be very rough for you right now. Break ups are hard enough as it is without having to go through a mess afterwards. I am truly sorry for you and it's good to hear that you have some inner strength already! Stick to your NC and grow from there. From what you've told me, I am confident that your ex will be in touch again at some point. There has already been a bit of contact from his part and I get the feeling that you will be in the right frame of mind when that happens.

 

As for me, I can't help but feel as though I'll never see or hear from her again and I will accept either result.

 

Thank you again for replying to me and again I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you start feeling better soon!

[brokenfaith]

Hello brokenfaith, thank you for taking the time to read my post, sympathise and reply Thank you also for sharing your situation as it has shown me that the explanation I wanted before posting on here, isn't such a good idea.

 

I am very sorry to hear what happened as it must be very rough for you right now. Break ups are hard enough as it is without having to go through a mess afterwards. I am truly sorry for you and it's good to hear that you have some inner strength already! Stick to your NC and grow from there. From what you've told me, I am confident that your ex will be in touch again at some point. There has already been a bit of contact from his part and I get the feeling that you will be in the right frame of mind when that happens.

 

As for me, I can't help but feel as though I'll never see or hear from her again and I will accept either result.

 

Thank you again for replying to me and again I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you start feeling better soon!

 

Thanks for the kind words. I can't believe I actually HAVE some inner strength, but proud that I do. I'm trying to keep it together because I have a lot on my plate right now. I'm working toward a new career and trying to make some big changes in MY life. It helps keep me distracted, for one, but gives me hope I may meet someone in my new life... if the ex doesn't come to his senses. (And heck, when he does I may not WANT him)

 

I'm a little confused on what to do with NC-- kind of like you. Part of me wants to be cordial and only answer in a very nonchalant way when/if he reaches out again. But, after all the shadiness surrounding this other woman, maybe he doesn't deserve a response... especially if he's frolicking around town with her. I'm torn because in one of those emails, I told him it was OK to contact me, ONLY if he wasn't leading me on. When he contacted me with those two emails over two weeks... I kinda was surprised. Never thought after I "busted" him or confronted him about the lies that I'd hear from him, actually! So you never know... she may reach out to you. I literally was talking to my dad about him one day and dad said, "He's gone you won't hear from him..." and then next day I did. It was surreal.

 

I guess if he does/when he does reach out again... I'll figure it out then. I KNOW NC is the best thing for me to heal... but at the same time, I kind of already revoked NC by contacting him twice. I have to be consistent and decide what I wanna do when I hear from him again. Hopefully I'll know what to do when it happens.

[The_Good_Me]

Thanks for the kind words. I can't believe I actually HAVE some inner strength, but proud that I do. I'm trying to keep it together because I have a lot on my plate right now. I'm working toward a new career and trying to make some big changes in MY life. It helps keep me distracted, for one, but gives me hope I may meet someone in my new life... if the ex doesn't come to his senses. (And heck, when he does I may not WANT him)

 

I'm a little confused on what to do with NC-- kind of like you. Part of me wants to be cordial and only answer in a very nonchalant way when/if he reaches out again. But, after all the shadiness surrounding this other woman, maybe he doesn't deserve a response... especially if he's frolicking around town with her. I'm torn because in one of those emails, I told him it was OK to contact me, ONLY if he wasn't leading me on. When he contacted me with those two emails over two weeks... I kinda was surprised. Never thought after I "busted" him or confronted him about the lies that I'd hear from him, actually! So you never know... she may reach out to you. I literally was talking to my dad about him one day and dad said, "He's gone you won't hear from him..." and then next day I did. It was surreal.

 

I guess if he does/when he does reach out again... I'll figure it out then. I KNOW NC is the best thing for me to heal... but at the same time, I kind of already revoked NC by contacting him twice. I have to be consistent and decide what I wanna do when I hear from him again. Hopefully I'll know what to do when it happens.

 

It sounds like your doing the right thing. You're still hurting which is understandable but you're not putting your life on hold. Working towards your new career and making big changes in life will keep your mind and body active. During this time, distractions like these really do help pad out the healing time until you get that little bit stronger. Then you do more stuff and it makes you stronger again. Keep going, you're doing great and so soon after the break up! You should be very proud of yourself!

 

I'm sure you'll know exactly what to do in the event of your ex contacting you. You sound like a strong and grounded person so whatever your feelings are at the time will guide you and I'm confident they will guide you on the best course for you!

 

You're right, she may reach out at some point and I won't rule it out. I guess I keep focusing on the darkest side of "We will never see or speak to eachother ever again" and if something does happen, it'll either be a bonus or I'll see it as "too little, too late". That will all depend on my mind set at the time if it happens. Just focusing on me at the moment, trying new things, meeting new people. It's the way forward in my mind

[brokenfaith]

It sounds like your doing the right thing. You're still hurting which is understandable but you're not putting your life on hold. Working towards your new career and making big changes in life will keep your mind and body active. During this time, distractions like these really do help pad out the healing time until you get that little bit stronger. Then you do more stuff and it makes you stronger again. Keep going, you're doing great and so soon after the break up! You should be very proud of yourself!

 

I'm sure you'll know exactly what to do in the event of your ex contacting you. You sound like a strong and grounded person so whatever your feelings are at the time will guide you and I'm confident they will guide you on the best course for you!

 

You're right, she may reach out at some point and I won't rule it out. I guess I keep focusing on the darkest side of "We will never see or speak to eachother ever again" and if something does happen, it'll either be a bonus or I'll see it as "too little, too late". That will all depend on my mind set at the time if it happens. Just focusing on me at the moment, trying new things, meeting new people. It's the way forward in my mind

 

Sounds like you also have a very good head on your shoulders as well. I think "assuming that things WON'T happen" as far as contact has helped me not wait around endlessly for phone calls, etc. I'll admit the first week or so I was checking my phone non-stop... I find myself doing it sometimes, when I hear the alert sound for emails, but generally I don't ever expect it to be him. The good thing with taking on that attitude is like you said, you either are kinda happy, or you're just able to move forward.

 

Oddly enough, my ex emailed me this morning. Another conversational email... asking me to send along a pic of my new sports car because he's happy for me getting a new car. He also mentioned he's looking to get some counseling (which I advised twice in the last month or so when I saw him in person at the BU and 2 weeks after when I went to his home). Although I'm hopeful the counseling will help him heal and help him get back on track with his life and lead him back to me... I can't think about that. If it's meant to happen, it will! It does make me happy that he's reaching out... and maybe one day he'll be able to realize I deserve an explanation. I'm not holding on hope to that though.

 

You're right-- gotta decide if I want to email him back on my own. I'm gonna sit on it for a little while and determine what I wanna say, if I wanna say it.

 

Sounds like you're moving forward as well. I need to get out of the house a little bit more-- maybe go to the park more often or something. It's summer so it's too nice to sit around!!

[The_Good_Me]

Sounds like you also have a very good head on your shoulders as well. I think "assuming that things WON'T happen" as far as contact has helped me not wait around endlessly for phone calls, etc. I'll admit the first week or so I was checking my phone non-stop... I find myself doing it sometimes, when I hear the alert sound for emails, but generally I don't ever expect it to be him. The good thing with taking on that attitude is like you said, you either are kinda happy, or you're just able to move forward.

 

Oddly enough, my ex emailed me this morning. Another conversational email... asking me to send along a pic of my new sports car because he's happy for me getting a new car. He also mentioned he's looking to get some counseling (which I advised twice in the last month or so when I saw him in person at the BU and 2 weeks after when I went to his home). Although I'm hopeful the counseling will help him heal and help him get back on track with his life and lead him back to me... I can't think about that. If it's meant to happen, it will! It does make me happy that he's reaching out... and maybe one day he'll be able to realize I deserve an explanation. I'm not holding on hope to that though.

 

You're right-- gotta decide if I want to email him back on my own. I'm gonna sit on it for a little while and determine what I wanna say, if I wanna say it.

 

Sounds like you're moving forward as well. I need to get out of the house a little bit more-- maybe go to the park more often or something. It's summer so it's too nice to sit around!!

 

Hehe, I know exactly what you mean about checking your phone, waiting for calls etc. When I was dumped I moved back in with my parents which was only a 10 minute walk away from where I lived with my ex. Every text message sound, every door bell, every car I heard outside got my hopes up. Of course none of those texts or doorbells or cars were her and it was just soul destroying. Since I sent the "final letter" I got out of the habit of checking my phone or getting excited when I hear my message tone. Now I've moved away, she can't just turn up on my doorstep either which is good as now the doorbell can only be friends.

 

Again it sounds like your doing well in this department as you're only checking occasionally. Soon I'm sure it'll stop completely, though I could be wrong about that since you are getting breadcrumb emails which must be very confusing. I think I've been lucky in a way that my ex has stopped all contact with me so it's hard for me to think of any positives.

 

If I were in your position I would ignore the mail, especially if you have replied to any other form of contact so far and see what he does. As he hasn't mentioned anything regarding reconciliation I think it would be best to ignore it. If he persists with these breadcrumbs then you may have to send him a message telling him that you want 100% NC as it's the best thing for you to get over the break up. If he respects you, he should leave you alone to heal. If he wants to come back for reconciliation then he should (and will if thats what he wants) just come out with it. Then you can decide exactly how YOU want to proceed from there. However, I don't want to tell you what to do as you have to do what's in your heart. I am just presuming that replying and keeping the channels open is only going to prolong the healing process.

 

I keep thinking along the lines of, "While she's not getting in contact with me seeking reconciliation, I must concentrate on healing and moving on as I cannot force her to come back, hence there is no choice". If I do that, then eventually I will get to a stage where I am properly healed which can only benefit me.

 

If she comes back looking for reconciliation then I am in the strongest position I could be at that point. If reconciliation is what I want at that time then I will be in the strongest frame of mind to achieve it. If reconciliation is not what I want at that time then that will be last sign of having successfully moved on.

 

If she comes back without looking for reconciliation then I will tell her that I am sorry but since the break up I have found a new life with a new social circle of friends, I have new hobbies and activities and there isn't any room in my life for her anymore. I would then ask her politely not to contact me again and wish her well in life.

 

The reason for this is because I know I cannot just be friends with someone that has hurt me so much. Plus I really do feel as though my life is moving forward and I don't want to risk feelings for her coming back up that would more than likely lead to nothing.

 

I just think it wouldn't be a good move to respond to anything that isn't about reconciliation. They are my thoughts though and you have to do whats right for you.

 

In regards to you saying you should get out the house more, that's a great idea. I've been doing the same thing and I've started to get a bit of nice tan going. Now that I have a lot of free time, I make an effort to go jogging or work out in my apartment. Excersize releases endorphins which help you to feel good. I can't say it works all the time, especially if I try it on one of my bad days (yeah I still get them occasionally, but the frequency is steadily dropping) but I generally do tend to feel pretty good after a run.

 

I think your doing great so far so keep up the good work!

[brokenfaith]

haha I did the same thing with the car too! I moved to an area about 10 minutes away from where his parents live, before the BU, and sometimes I fear I'll see him when I'm driving up the main street. He'd have to go by my place to get into the area which his parents live. He has a very distinct car, as do I, so I always get a little nervous when I am in that area. Not so much anymore, but the first couple weeks made me really on edge.

 

Yeah. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with the emails. I know I will probably run into him in mid July at one of my friend's concerts... so it's not like I can go NC forever. He's for some reason choosing to come to the show, despite them being my friends. I don't mind either way-- I'm very good at detaching myself from exes if I want to. I've dated two people that still hang around my "group" (they share mutual friends) and although sometimes it's awkward for them, it's never awkward for me. Luckily. I think seeing the recent ex will be similar.

 

A lot of people in my life say reply, but keep it short and not emotional. A couple people say go NC. So I just have to reflect on it later, after the workday, and figure out what I think is best for me. Like you say, every situation is different so... it just depends on what feels right. I think I tend to be a lot stronger-willed than a lot of people who are dumped. Suppose it's from years and years of being disappointed by people! haha.

 

Sounds like you're working things through-- I think it's wonderful that you have such a positive outlook, especially since you and her were together for such a long time!