Torninpices Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I just found out this morning that my husband of 13years had an affair. Funny thing is I was sure I knew and even confronted him and he never gave it up. So this morning I found emails and that confirmed it. We have 3 kids and were going threw a bit of a bad patch but in the last 1 1/2 years we have been better than ever. This is the thing this affair was over 2 years ago and he says ended after I confronted him. He said he felt quilty the whole time and it was just sex whatever..and at that time he didn't like me much but decided that he wanted to try to fall back in love with me and he did as did I. I'm in such pain and can't believe he would do this to me..I'm so sick to my stomach he has answered all my questions but its still alfull and the problem is I really Love him and don't want to lose him..but how can I face him everyday and act like nothing happened. I have no one to talk too. anyone have any advice I really could use some.
gpatb43 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I am so sorry to hear your news - I have been on both sides of the WS / BS fence and so know the pain and hurt these situations create. My only advice here is to talk it through with close confidants, dont rush into a decision / set of actions either way, ask for some time alone / space, and then once you have a clearer head, you'll make better decisions about what to do with your relationship. I cannot tell you what you should do here (& be careful those that do) - I truly wish you the very best. Time is your friend
Kidd Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Pick up the book, "surviving an affair." it is pretty much required reading to get a handle on this and then decide where you think you fall. I am trying to reconcile with my wayward wife and we've been together a long time but every situation is unique. I was absolutely devastated, lost a lot of weight, lost sleep, mind racing... Its a rollercoaster of emotions because you dont instantly fall out of love even when you think you probably should. I see us staying together for a long time but trust is not rebuilt overnight. If he's ready to do everything you need to get past this, I believe there is hope. If not, the odds are super low of reconciling. Over the long haul, i believe my wife will pay a higher price for her affair (via permanent self-imposed guilt) than even the pain it caused me (which seems almost unthinkable). Ultimately, there is a lot of advice here but yes, you should take the time to make your own decision. Get educated, get your head in the game, heal yourself. I think you fall into the "6 months before you decide anything" category.
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I just found out this morning that my husband of 13years had an affair. Funny thing is I was sure I knew and even confronted him and he never gave it up. So this morning I found emails and that confirmed it. We have 3 kids and were going threw a bit of a bad patch but in the last 1 1/2 years we have been better than ever. This is the thing this affair was over 2 years ago and he says ended after I confronted him. He said he felt quilty the whole time and it was just sex whatever..and at that time he didn't like me much but decided that he wanted to try to fall back in love with me and he did as did I. I'm in such pain and can't believe he would do this to me..I'm so sick to my stomach he has answered all my questions but its still alfull and the problem is I really Love him and don't want to lose him..but how can I face him everyday and act like nothing happened. I have no one to talk too. anyone have any advice I really could use some. It's rare a cheating spouse confesses right away and admits to the A when confronted. It's like it's a natural instinct for them to deny and turn it around on the betrayed spouse (and gaslight them aka, you're crazy, being paranoid, it's all in your head, I would NEVER cheat, you know that, I love you..). If he is truly remorseful and owning his crap, wanting to fix himself, do marriage counselling with you, be an open book (you have access to his email, cell, etc) and prove that he IS worthy of a second chance, then go for it and work with him to fix things.. If he is the opposite, still in denial and still in touch with the OW, or doing sneaky things, etc, then I say, KICK HIM out of the house, let him suffer some consquences for a while until he gets his head out of his ass. Even if you have no intention of divorcing him, HE doesn't need to know that! Separating gives YOU control over the situation and if he wants you, wants the marriage, wants the family unit as one under one roof, then HE can work hard to gain your faith and love and trust again. People don't change unless they have to or are forced to, until they suffer a bit. Sorry for your pain.
Author Torninpices Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 He can't lie I found the gmail account and it was all there. As soon as I said the email address he got in car and came home from work. Sat there until I put the kids on the school bus.. them answered all I asked...I asked what he wants and he wants us. Haven't stopped crying all day and how can I trust him again. I really wish I didn't know
Author Torninpices Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 Pick up the book, "surviving an affair." it is pretty much required reading to get a handle on this and then decide where you think you fall. I am trying to reconcile with my wayward wife and we've been together a long time but every situation is unique. I was absolutely devastated, lost a lot of weight, lost sleep, mind racing... Its a rollercoaster of emotions because you dont instantly fall out of love even when you think you probably should. I see us staying together for a long time but trust is not rebuilt overnight. If he's ready to do everything you need to get past this, I believe there is hope. If not, the odds are super low of reconciling. Over the long haul, i believe my wife will pay a higher price for her affair (via permanent self-imposed guilt) than even the pain it caused me (which seems almost unthinkable). Ultimately, there is a lot of advice here but yes, you should take the time to make your own decision. Get educated, get your head in the game, heal yourself. I think you fall into the "6 months before you decide anything" category. Thanks I feel pretty much every thing you have wrote her. I think the hardest thing in that we are in probably the best place we have in a long time. The worst is that I need him and thats the last thing I want to feel.
PhoenixRise Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Thanks I feel pretty much every thing you have wrote her. I think the hardest thing in that we are in probably the best place we have in a long time. The worst is that I need him and thats the last thing I want to feel. I understand this feeling all too well. I wish there was something I could say or something anyone could tell you that would short cut this pain for you but there isn't. It is good that he has answered your questions and gave you her contact information. It is good that he is saying that he wants to be with you (if that is what you want). Things will not get better until he consistently takes actions that match what he is saying. If you want or need counseling find a MC who deals with infidelity. If you need time to yourself, tell him to find somewhere else to stay for awhile so you can hear yourself think. I know how hard this is. I know how hard it is to focus on anything other than the pain you are in when you have been betrayed this way. But take a deep breath and think about what YOU specifically need right now. Focus on yourself as much as you can right now. Is there anyone in real life that you can talk to about this? You need some emotional support right now.
Kidd Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I definitely wrestled with why I seem to be so quick to forgive. Did a lot of looking onward to see why I would devalue myself by staying with someone who did this to me. Because of the pain, I think there's a real tendency to demonize cheaters. I certainly think it's a horrendous thing to do and they have to own that they made conscious, planned, deliberate decisions when they were obligated to either talk with us about repairing the relationship or leave before cheating. Some of them are awful, narcissistic, serial cheaters that are beyond redemption. But in reading a ridiculous amount on the subject, I found patterns of people who were in mid-life, missing something in their marriage, and suddenly they make an unexpected emotional connection with someone that begins as innocent, supportive talk and then evolves into something physical because of the emotional bond. Then there's the thrill of new love, blah, blah, blah. There's guilt because they know the betrayed spouse doesn't deserve it and they're conflicted about how to stop. My point here is not to justify ANY of it. But I did learn to understand that it wasn't about personally trying to take a sh*t on me. Beyond that, I also think that just about anyone can cheat given the right (or terribly wrong) circumstances. I started to picture how I would handle it if a new attractive woman started working in my office, and we partnered well on projects, saw things the same way, supported each other's initiatives, and then one day we start talking about our personal lives, that we both had struggles in our long term marriages with kids, and then one person gets a twinkle in the eye and it's on. Long story short, it's not always about betraying the spouse (it's about selfishness) and it doesn't mean that they're evil. Some are and from those you should run. But for some others, it turns out that they're human and tragically remorseful when they realize what they've done. Now I don't feel devalued by forgiving her. I don't know your situation. I don't honestly think you do either. He needs to be willing to do anything to repair this, be completely transparent, and both people have to be amazingly strong and committed to make it thru. But you do have to heal first. It has to be about you and whatever you need for a while. I, for one, don't feel remorse about taking my wife back at all. I chose the harder path and we both deserve it. You need to do some real investigating about who this man is but remember that you don't need to rush. He can suck an egg if he wants you to get over it sooner. Good luck making a decision but either way, don't beat yourself up. You didn't do this and yes, of course you love your spouse.
reboot Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I definitely wrestled with why I seem to be so quick to forgive. Did a lot of looking onward to see why I would devalue myself by staying with someone who did this to me. Perhaps it was because you still love her. When you really love someone, it doesn't just stop all at once. That was my excuse at least....
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