AlisaMarie Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 If you are interested in reading my story... please entertain yourself in my sadness through my stats. But I am really having a hard time. Time doesn't make me grow stronger... it makes me weak and full of mind effing questions that taunt the hell out of me. I am too stubborn to text/call or even respond if it comes at me. The roller coaster ride ended for me. I got off and it made me sick, dizzy, and confused. Would you go back on? A logical person would not. I try to use logic here but your heart and mind are very manipulative organs. Anyway, my cigarettes have become my best friends and my friends sound like broken records telling me "it takes time, you'll meet someone better, you're gorgeous and have so much going for you." BLAH. The cliches are KILLING me. Time doesn't make it better for me. Time makes me sick. It makes me think more and more as I sink and hit the hurtful bottom. My bottom isn't flat. It jabs me, only to toss me up a little bit and throw me back down... like a bed of nails that has no ending. For those that have to problem of "thinking too much" how do you lift this demon from you. He haunts my every breath. He lurks around every corner of my mind. Even if I don't feed the idea and "do me" he's still there and won't go away. Time makes him grow stronger. How do I rid him?
geegirl Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I will have to say that it gets worse before it gets better. You're only days into your break up and NC. It took me months before I could get the devil out of my mind and trust me, I pounded away at getting better. I tried everything. And even now after close to 6 months of NC, I had a crying spell yesterday yearning for the *******. But my thoughts and bad feelings are few and far between. So, time does make you stronger but it all depends on what you do with that time. Your friends are right but you don't see that right now. As cliche as it sounds, you'll look back one day and probably the same things to yourself. They're just trying to help and they do see someone who deserves better and they do see someone who is gorgeous that has so much going for her. But I understand what you mean, I used to hate it too. If you're using your time to make you sick by thinking thoughts of him and letting it control you, then you need to change that. It's what you do with this "time" that will either 1) help you push forward to healing 2) keep you stuck. It doesn't happen overnight but you must control your thoughts. Yes, even when you don't feed the monster, he's waiting right there. But if you try to consistently starve him, the monster will tire and go away. When you have a thought, you must consciously stop it and try to focus on something else. You're very early into your break up. He is going to be at the forefront of your mind. Get busy. Start working out and focus your energy on getting healthy. Try to quit smoking. Read. Thought comes to your head, read...and focus on what you're reading. Have a book ready. Self help or just any old book. Start back on a hobby you once loved. Take a class that's difficult so you channel you mind. It's what you do with your time and how you decide to control your thoughts. You have to consciously STOP when it comes otherwise they're like weeds taking charge. Invite one to the party, and seven come along. It will be hard in the beginning but as you go along, it will almost become a habit.
Author AlisaMarie Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 (edited) Geegirl, I am so glad you understand exactly how I am thinking. I feel in a rut. I believe I was already a little bit messed up in the head, but bad relationships give me something to occupy my mind, something to "fix." I did love this boy, I also helped him raise his son. It's just hard to wrap my head around never seeing either one of them again. Also, and I didn't want to put this public but whatever, someone close to him tried to put the moves on my not even a week after the split. I was horrified and disgusted. The only person my ex loves and trusted besides me was this person. How could he do that? GROSS. Now I feel that this person is encouraging him to stay away from me forever and talking bad about me because he's afraid I will tell him. How could I ever love someone that comes from and lives by lying and manipulative ways. This is just haunting the HELL OUT OF ME. Edited June 27, 2011 by AlisaMarie
geegirl Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I can relate to being a fixer. It's the easiest way to avoid looking at ourselves and focusing on what needs to be fixed. We can deflect and fix every guy that comes along but at the end of the day, we will keep repeating the same mistakes because no matter what, we're broken is some shape or form. So you must learn from this and focus on you. It's going to take time. Put his father aside for a minute. Are you talking about your ex, the one you describe below? If yes, then his father is the least of your problems. Granted what he did is despicable. So why would you want this person back in your life again? READ YOUR POST BELOW. You couldn't even type the names he was calling you on this site!! You're disgusted with his dad, why aren't you digusted with him for treating you badly? Breathe a sigh of relief that you dodged this toxic situation. I just don't understand. I wish everyone could just be happy and have who they love. My ex and I had it all, then he started acting nuts after a year and since then it has been 4 months of craziness! I love you, I hate you, you're evil, you're a great girl. He always accused me of cheating and lying and couldn't trust me- but I have always been great to him. He had not a reason in the world to not trust me. We broke up for the 4th time 3 weeks ago. After 2 weeks I broke down and text and asked him how he was. Later that night he started sending me explicit messages and I kinda went along with it. Then I told him I wanted to talk about how he's been treating me. We met up and he was ice cold! He listed to what I had to say after calling me names that I probably shouldn't type in here. Then I come to find that he's seeing someone else. I feel like a fall right into his game, and I believe him when he degrades me!
Author AlisaMarie Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Geegirl, I know. It has been a battle. He's a narcissist that can't take blame and his ego is easily bruised. He text me last week trying to retrieve some minimal stuff from my house after he took some VERY important things of mine to be spiteful. I ignored because I was working. Then I expressed I would mail the stuff, kindly. He said I was a monster, a bad person, a loser. Of course none of which is true. Those are kind words compared to what I have been called by him in the past. LS would bleep them out if I tried. The only name I have ever called him was a liar, slime, parasite, and a narcissist. All of which are were true and only said those things in defense to myself. Can you edit the word dad above? I really don't want that getting out. I will edit this post after you read it. I am going to follow up on your stories, I hope we can help each other!
geegirl Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I know what you are speaking off. My ex is a narcissist too. I don't have my story on here. It's a nightmare I'd rather soon forget but if I can help you wrap your head around it, I will share and help you along. But PM would be better. I will edit the dad thing although it's saying I can't quite edit it now.
Author AlisaMarie Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I know what you are speaking off. My ex is a narcissist too. I don't have my story on here. It's a nightmare I'd rather soon forget but if I can help you wrap your head around it, I will share and help you along. But PM would be better. I will edit the dad thing although it's saying I can't quite edit it now. I don't want you to have to relive your situation. I wish I didn't sometimes because coming to LS kind of makes my feet drag on recovery. If you would like to tell me, PM me. It won't let me edit it either. Oh well. It's the truth.. sadly. I wouldn't want anyone to hurt, that's all. Makes me so sad all around.
WTRanger Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 You have to think of this process as a roller coaster. There is more than just one up and one down. There's many ups and downs. Quite a few of loops, corkscrews, and those super tight spirals. Oh, and this coaster is also 100 years old and made of wood so it rattles your kidneys. However, like any good coaster, the first drop is always the worst and you are past that. You'll really only "rid" yourself of him when you get to the point where you are tired of thinking about things. Only then will you allow yourself to divert your thoughts to other areas of your life.
Author AlisaMarie Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 You have to think of this process as a roller coaster. There is more than just one up and one down. There's many ups and downs. Quite a few of loops, corkscrews, and those super tight spirals. Oh, and this coaster is also 100 years old and made of wood so it rattles your kidneys. However, like any good coaster, the first drop is always the worst and you are past that. You'll really only "rid" yourself of him when you get to the point where you are tired of thinking about things. Only then will you allow yourself to divert your thoughts to other areas of your life. Ahhh divert my thoughts! I have a 5 page research paper due at midnight... tick tock tick tock! Is it close to being done? NO. Because I am sitting here letting my brain wonder... did he cancel our vaca reservations or is he taking someone else? Is he happy? Does he miss me? Am I going to have the chance to ignore that "I miss you text?" EFF my brain. I just want to sleep the pain away. Here comes my lovely summertime depression. It's so much stronger than me.
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