Is their a correlation between how close you are to your parent(s) and behavior?

[JasonRules]

Hi,

 

 

I found myself thinking about this the other day. In my family I have two more siblings. One brother and one sister. They have both experienced the ups and downs of relationships, just as I have.

 

However, thinking about the past I realized one key difference. My reaction to my ex ending it with me is much more intense and dramatic than they ever displayed. They never displayed or showed any signs of pain as I had.

 

Another thing I noticed is that while I was very (still am) close to my mother as a child and still have a very close relationship with her, they don't have a close relationship with either my father or my mother.

 

So I thought of the following; could it be that if a child has a very close relationship with a parent (girl and father or boy and mother) that this sets the "standard" for what we consider "normal" in terms of our relationships? For example, growing up my mother always showered me with compliments, affection, love, acceptance, and caring.

 

So now as an adult, if a woman fails to meet what I consider "normal", then the feeling of rejection is even more intense and I'm hurt more so than a child growing up with parents not showing them much affection?

 

What are your thoughts? How does your childhood relationships with your parent(s) related to how you take rejection or how much pain you feel when someone breaks up with you?

[JasonRules]

Any comments or thoughts on this from your own personal experience? I think it would be good to try and understand how is it that we arrived here.

 

How come we are hurt badly while others do not hurt as badly in a breakup.

 

I'm very interested to explore this subject.

[wilsonx]

I learned the answer to this yesterday from my YOUNGER brother.

 

Its because of one key thing that he asked me last night after a full night of drinking and me still dwelling on the breakup.

 

He asked me, do you love yourself? He told me not to answer the question but I knew he already knew the answer.

 

My brother explained to me he's had some crucial breakups but he has not hurt like I have in years because he came to terms that he comes first and as long as he loves himself, it doesn't matter if someone else doesn't love them or ends a relationship with him because he's ok being by himself

 

I told him that I loved myself but on self reflection, I did not. I havent loved myself in 7 years. 7 years ago I ended the best relationship I have ever had in my life for no reason. I went and partied and slept with tons of women. I went to a school with 39% guy 61% female ratio and I felt tied down to my 11 month girlfriend who was marriage material. To this day, I have not found anyone as amazing as she was and Im still bitter about it. After being on the otherside of GIGS now, its time for me to start loving myself again so I can find that relationship, I had with her 7 years ago.

 

My Ex getting GIGS has been one of the best things that has happened to me though. I realized, I have a ****ty job that Im not happy in. I'm not happy with who I am. I am not happy with who I was. I do not know how to honestly be happy by myself so this is a great chance for me to fix this and finally move forward with my life. All my friends commented on my ex saying wow, you took a step down for her, we thought you would be with someone better and you know what, theyre right. I thought so to. She filled a void in my heart that had been sitting there for 7 years that no other woman had been able to fill. I should have filled it myself before her and this would have never happened but I have learned a LOT from this about who I am and who I want to be

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I think the people that try to mimic their parents relationship, and end up with a broken relationship are hurt more from a break up.

 

 

However, I don't believe that the closer you are to your parents would mean that you are going to experience more pain from a break up. I think the more effort you put into a relationship and how much you loved that person determines the overall pain you will experience when a relationship ends.

[wilsonx]

To answer your question, it has nothing to do or slightly to do with your parents, its has to do with yourself

[thelovingkind]

I too am immensely crushed and set back by break-ups in a way that others don't seem to be. The thing is, however, I've always been distant with my parents, and my friends have tended to come and go from my life in a peripheral way too. I think as a consequence I've placed an enormous pressure on partners to become everything to me. In a single person I hope to find the passion of a lover, the companionship of a best friend, the comfort and nurturance of a family member and the intimacy of a soulmate. Consequently, the loss of a relationship is devastating. After my last break-up, I've been working on building family relations and friendships to mitigate this imbalance.

[JasonRules]

For my part, my father would always verbally abuse me and make me feel like crap, which led to extreme shyness in my early years up to my early 30s and my mother would be the exact opposite, showering me with compliments and affections and building up my ego.

 

It was a strange paradox that I found myself in, but looking back at everything I believe the fact that my mother was so close to me has affected what I consider "normal". It's almost as they she set me up to be co-dependent on a woman, so subconsciously I'm simply looking for a replacement of her. Someone to show me affection, love, companionship etc etc.

 

My brother has been dumped and he does not feel as much pain as I do. My breakups are full of grief, pain, anguish, sleepless nights etc.

[archivist]

That's an interesting theory.

 

But I don't think it applies to me, because I've always had the same relationship with my parents. I'm closer to my mother and can tell her everything. My dad is emotionally unavailable, he cares but has difficulty expressing it.

 

My last ex affected me really bad, I had We both drifted apart and both got GIGS. I had just started my career and things were going well for me. Meeting new interesting people and I just could not see myself with her long term but I stayed because of fear of being alone. I know now that was a mistake, she was forced to break up with me. I was distraut, could not set, sleep or concentrate. I then began to force myself to move on.

 

Then I met my current ex, and the new relationship was so much better. I want to spend the rest of my life with this new girl. I invested so much more time and effort with her she made me realise that I there is so much more out there and that someone amazing can just fall into your life when you least expect it.

 

Now she is the one with GIGS and yes I'm hurting. However I do not fear being alone now. I've backed off and let her be. I'm struggling to understand myself why I'm not in the same state as before. Could it be that i never loved her as much as my old ex? That's not true because i can honestly out my hand on my heart and say this new girl is the best thing to have happened to me. Its just not the right time for her, she's just started her new job and external pressure and distance is causing her to end our relationship. Maybe there is some truth to the saying, if you really love her then you will want her to be happy.

 

When speaking to a friend about it she raised a good point. I'm just not scared of being alone for now, I'm not bad looking, have a good job and a property owner. I just need to mend and who knows maybe my ex will come around or maybe I just won't care by then. Either way i need to concentrate on myself and take whatever life throws at me.

[radiodarcy]

i am closer to my father than my mother. my mother is a person who is ruled my her emotions as opposed to logic. at the same time she has a hard time expressing why she feels the way she feels. so a lot of times people don't know why she's angry because she doesn't really know why she is - - she just is. needless to say my father's co-dependent personality (catering to her and her moods; taking all the blame - - for what i don't know. i don't even think he knows why) is what rubbed off on me and is probably why i ended up in the situation that i ended up in. i thought that love meant allowing myself to be someone's doormat. and so- - i acted accordingly. and it backfired horribly.

 

i also think i was afraid of acting like my mother. she and my father are twice married/divorced from each other. they separated (she wanted the separation) during which time she went out and partied and flirted with other men. eventually dad met someone else and filed for divorce - -mom's boyfriend had already moved in with us by then. lo and behold mom decides she doesn't want a divorce. it was finalized anyway. but mom went on a stalking campaign against dad and his fiancee that lasted for 6 years. dad broke engagement several times during those years and he the fiancee split up. shortly after mom and dad re-married; their marriage lasted for four years and was racked by fighting. eventually mom wound up cheating on dad with the guy who is now my stepfather. dad married mom's best friend a few years later.

 

and people wonder why i'm weary of dating and relationships

[JasonRules]

As of late, I've tried to get a better understanding of what's going on with me and to gain insight as to my behavior because I've noticed a pattern.

 

I'm cold, distant, and emotionally unavailable to most women even though they enjoy spending time with me and we do have a great time while we're together, but once we're not then I'm not all warm and fuzzy.

 

However, when I fall in love I dive into it with everything I have and the pain of separation seems unbearable. I'd like to try and be more even keeled in my behavior because it seems that my behavior promotes co-dependency.