Justin Otherguy Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 (edited) So, I've been googling and haven't had any luck - maybe you all might be able to help me. I'm a male in my30s, and have been living with my girlfriend of 8 months and her son since the middle of April in a house that she bought, and I have furnished and am helping pay for. At the beginning of April, I lost my job. Just before that, I had a medical issue and have been unable to drive. So, a few blows to the ego just before the big move in. Things were pretty good at first, but we've since been fighting about things, and she called me lazy, despite maintaining the house, renovations, and dad duties. And it's been affecting our intimacy. She works, and goes to grad school. One of her classmates, a married guy with a new baby, and she, seemed to text a lot (I see the name on her phone.) I've asked about it a while back, and she said how nice it is to have a guy friend without having to worry about anything but being friends. But he texts her late at night (drunk text hours) so I once went to check (read: guiltily spy), and her conversation with him had been deleted. With our recent fighting, and lack of sex, and really what seems like a lack of respect from her, I again "checked" in another place - the chat feature on a game app. Here, they had been talking, sporadically, but they were of a flirtatious nature, and at one point, I believe he called her dirty. Again, crazy guilt at the invasion of privacy, but I've got a pretty intense commitment on my hands. Well, one of the lines was about getting drinks together, and this morning, my girlfriebd presented me with a "so me and some friends from school are going to get drinks together..." line and I don't know whether I should be nervous about her fidelity or worried that I'm being played the fool and being a babysitter on her secret date night. I've asked her point blank as recently as yesterday, and she says I'vegot nothing to worry about (as I've expressed a modicum of jealousy about him before.) Is this a case of where there's smoke there's fire, or am I being overreacty? Help?? Edited June 27, 2011 by Justin Otherguy
cdt76 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Yeah, tell her your going along with them and if she balks, get out, get out fast and get out now.
ivalm Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 If she isn't cheating now, it seems she's on the road to cheat -- sooner rather than later. I guess you can ask to come along, but generally you need to have a talk with her about how you feel she has been treating you and how her actions make you feel. If things don't improve, you probably will have to split.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Where do all these shi*ball women come from? It's like we have an enormous factory somewhere just pumping them out.
Author Justin Otherguy Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 As much as i'd like to ask to go, she and her assorted "classmates" have some law schooly test to take in August, and her story this AM was "we're all going to have a drink after we study."
cdt76 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 As much as i'd like to ask to go, she and her assorted "classmates" have some law schooly test to take in August, and her story this AM was "we're all going to have a drink after we study." Just say fine, I'll meet up with you all and have a drink too after you study just let me know where to meet you. Sounds to me like she is already on a date and you are left at the station. I'm sorry to say my friend, you need to tell her to her face that you are sorry things haven't worked out and wish her luck. Pack your stuff and get out as quickly as you can. She isn't being honest with you and you need at least someone in your life that can be honest with themselves.
alexlakeman Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 The guys friend is going to school.. How about you? Besides you're in HER house, SHE is paying the bills... she needs some pleasure also.. Follow her Will you be baby sitting her offspring while she goes for the drink with this guy.. I mean her friends..? FK with her... when she's taking a shower, get her phone and text the guy a wink or something and see what he texts back.. Read her texts.. Look at her pics.. If she's got nudes of the guy, well she's cheating... if she's got sexy shots of her body and she didn't text them to you, well guess who's phone their on... Are you both in the same career? Did you go to the same school?
Author Justin Otherguy Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 While it is HER house, I've renovated it, paid for the floors, bought all new appliances and furniture, and I pay half the mortgage and the rest of the bills. While I don't currently go to any grad program, I'm entering one in the fall. And we had worked together, but I was laid off in April.
vsmini Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I would normally not condone this but I would keep quiet. Check her phone over the next week and when/if you have some sort of proof that it was just the two of them together - blatantly ask her if she was just with one guy or the group. If she lies then it's time to pick up and move out of there. Don't be her sugar.
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 How long have you two been a couple? And, how old is her son? Is the baby's father in the picture? Something is up, not sure if she's cheating on you physically, but she is enjoying the company of a certain guy and is crossing lines that shouldn't be crossed. It's a stupid situation she's putting herself in, and she's not thinking of you at all. Sounds like you two need a get away, alone. Ask her parents to take the baby for a weekend.
Lemontang Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 That's near text book crap I dealt with with an ex when she'd go out on her so called 'girls night out' whilst I stayed home babysitting her daughter. If she's not cheating physically then she's certainly doing it emotionally. Needless to say if you want an example of how I dealt with it all read the link below. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253971/ Difference being I owned my house and when we parted she attempted to take half the house. She suddenly went all quiet on doing that however when she realised I knew how bad her cheating had been (she didn't want her family to know, but then what parent wants to know their daughter was doing that?). At the very least if you do go down this track and jump ship, get all your paperwork together especially with all the renovation stuff and be ready to claim on it. Don't even hang back for the kid, remember you have no legal rights on the kid and as tough as it is to accept when it's over you have to move on from the kid as well. If you do decide to stay however be up front with her about what your willing to accept and what is a deal breaker in your relationship and if she's willing to consider couples councilling. I know not working can put a strain on a relationship more so than what people realise, so working through these things is important and you'll find out very quickly if the relationship still has any substance left in it.
Woggle Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I would just leave and cut your losses. Women like this see kindness and good treatment as a weakness and a reason to walk all over a man. Just accept the fact you put money and work and work into the house and move on. Take it as a lesson learned.
keepsmilin74 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 As much as i'd like to ask to go, she and her assorted "classmates" have some law schooly test to take in August, and her story this AM was "we're all going to have a drink after we study." so probably no designated time or venue, plus you home with a baby, it would seem like you're being a pain if you try to join them. sorry for your position here, that sucks. there's nothing you can do about that for now... you can address the other guy thing further though, that's the root of it anyway. what Lemontang said "be up front with her about what your willing to accept and what is a deal breaker in your relationship and if she's willing to consider couples councilling" you're up to the point you're looking for advice here, so it's time to have a serious talk about it and don't let her walk away just saying "you have nothing to worry about." she may not be conscious that she is growing closer to this guy and away from you. she just needs to be made aware and hopefully you've caught it in time. goodluck!
Author Justin Otherguy Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Lemontang, that seems pretty similar. It seems like the hardest part is manning up and doing it. Basically, I'd more or less end up homeless for the time being. We did have some alone time last night (first time in 2 weeks) and we did have sex. While she showered last night, I did grab her phone and saw no new chat messages (which are undeletable in that setting) though they had played further in the game. I asked her why she's been so distant - she claims it's because she's unhappy with herself and just started a work-sponsored diet plan to lose those few extras lbs. I'm afraid to just give up on it...which makes me feel weak. The kid is 8, and his father is as absentee as can be. He tells his friends I'm his dad, not his mom's boyfriend. Maybe see what happens over the next week?
Lemontang Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 If anything don't sweep it under the carpet. She may say one thing, but at the end of the day actions speak louder than words. I had the talk after the first indiscretion then everything seemed fine for a short time before it simply got worse. Put simply the longer you sit on it the more you keep accepting the behavior and compromising yourself. Get proactive in finding a job you can do, take the bus if need be if you can't drive (or ride a bike if you can to keep fit). Start by putting yourself in a position so you can walk. The offshoot of this is it may also improve things and more importantly self esteem which speaks volumes in itself in relationships. One thing you should consider is what if this does blow up and you find her infidelity's are worse than you thought? And then what's stopping her from kicking you out? I sincerely hope that nothing further comes of it, but don't sit around waiting for something to happen and then acting.
Author Justin Otherguy Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 The wisdom of strangers. Thank you all. I'll let you know how it turns out
Author Justin Otherguy Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 So here's my official update. After posting, she and I had a conversation about my discomfort with this guy, and she again proceeded to reassure me that it was nothing, and that I imagined the lot of it. And then we went camping for the holiday (along with her son), which, despite some camping pitfalls, seemed to at least be a good time. Or so I thought until today, I again snuck a peek st her phone and saw she had spent large parts of our second day there chatting with this same guy. Things about how awful her time camping was, and he provided her sympathy, and reminded her of their upcoming study date. And last night, while I played soccer, with her son watching from near me, and she sitting on the stands, was apparently in the worst mood of her life, though she was all smiles and platitudes to me and my friends. And in another funny story, I joked to her son that his mom had a new boyfriend, and he asked if it was that same guy. He said he saw them text a lot. I've decided to move out. I don't know how to tell her this. suggestions?
Darren Steez Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 What suggestions do you need to tell her you are moving out? you're creative enough to write these stories, I'm sure you'll think of something
keepsmilin74 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 As above, she is a liar and has no respect... Moving out is a good idea. Take time for yourself, and she needs time too, to get her head on straight. Say goodbye, just tell her you saw the texts. If you try to reconcile in future she'll need to agree to full transparency anyway and show you texts to prove herself. So no point hiding that you know. Goodluck!
ChessPieceFace Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Where do all these shi*ball women come from? It's like we have an enormous factory somewhere just pumping them out. The factory is called western society. And it isn't happening by accident. OP: She's probably cheating but you don't have proof, so it's hard to say to act on it and ruin things based on circumstantial evidence. I would continue & expand the surveillance. Just don't get caught.
vsmini Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 So you take her camping, help care for her son and help around the house and she complains and finds comfort from another guy via text the entire time? Time to go. Don't worry about her feelings on moving out - she doesn't care about yours. But also - bad move on telling her son about "mom's new boyfriend." That was stupid of you and immature. No matter the context. What you're going through is very serious so there's nothing lighthearted about what you said to him. It was passive and probably used to manipulate.
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