Not sure if my wife loves me...

[Jay223]

Hi guys,

 

I know the problem is probably going to be me needing professional help. Maybe I'm simply posting here as a method of venting because I just cant take the pain of my relationship anymore. I believe the pain is all self inflicted. Or most of it at least. I have a long story that will wind and twist, and im not sure how necessary all of this is... its very disjointed and all over the place, but im hoping this will give a little insight into my mentality and maybe some of you can offer me advice on how I can be a better husband.

 

I've been with my wife since high school and we've been together for 14 years. 9 of those years we've been married.

 

I absolutely adore my wife, and although she doesn't believe me, I find her to be the most attractive, beautiful amazing woman I know. I do get annoyed from time to time, but everyone has their quirks, I know I have mine that get to her as well.

 

So ever since I've known her, I've always had insecurities about her going out, doing things with people, dressing certain ways and taking part in events. As a teen I was very controlling, I had issues whenever she talked to guys, whenever I saw her befriending anyone. I think I always felt like I wasnt good enough. As I grew older, I learned how supremely destructive that behavior was to her as well as to me. I eventually learned that I needed to withhold those feelings and let her life her life, or she would eventually, and most definitely leave me.

 

Eventually we had our first, then second, then third and now our fourth and final child. We are now 33.

 

I still love and adore her, find her just as attractive as the day I met her. She tells me she doesnt see it, but I see her for who she is... not a few stretchmarks on her belly.

 

Two years ago, I saw her email was up on the laptop and saw and email from a guy that said "morning beautiful". It was a guy way back from high school who knew her mom (her mom was very involved in school) contacted her. Her mom had since passed. I found he emailed her and then eventually talked to her on the phone. He even asked her for a phone pic of her, she sent her face to which he replied "is that all". He claimed to be a religious guy, but as a male, Im not stupid... I get what he was doing. She claimed she was naive and didnt see what he was trying to do. She claimed it all seemed innocent to her. I find that extremely hard to believe.... but i explained to her how us men can be when we're single and how we will angle any way we can, regardless of what you think the intention is. I still have severe issues with that happening to this day. It was rough, and I still dont believe her. The guy was on the other side of teh country, claimed to be traiing for CIA which is why he had to use a different name (which I find comical, the movie true lies comes to mind) etc etc.. it was just a screwed up mess.

 

So anyway, she started to get into her sports league she loves so much and she would go up to open gym to play every week. I found it for her and got her all set up to go. She'd just up and go. After a few years of that, she recently met with a few people and started on a league about 20 miles away. All coed. Well I noticed she started taking showers before going to play (weird, why would you shower before a game) and then she started texting all these people to organize games (guys and girls). So I watch her friending young guys on face book, I met a couple of them, which look like effing fire fighters... and here I am a father of four kids on the side lines.. while she wears her tight uniform with these ripped guys. But then again, if she wanted to hide anything why would she invite me to bring the kids and watch. Regardless. it bothers me, and she does go out to the bar after games (like most of these teams do) after games to celebrate their wins.

 

So I do have issues with that, when it involves other guys, I get really bugged out. Because I feel like she doesnt really talk to me. Shes not the type to come home after a game and talk about things. Shes not one really to openly talk about things. I must drag things out of her. I have to ask questions and get answers to hear about hwo the game went, or who she talked to at teh bar.

 

In addition, since kids, our sex life is in the toilet. I've read its very common. We have sex though, once.... like a month max... if im lucky its twice a month. Thats not easy, I love having sex with my wife, shes the best, but she doesnt seem to be much of a fan. I tell her its very important and she agrees, its just that she gets so exhausted and granted i dont work hard enough at doing things to get her "in the mood".

 

But we have a funny relationship, because ive always been the one to hang on her, fondle here or there, kiss on her tell her how gorgeous she is. she RARELY will tell me she finds me attractive. So any advance I make, I think she gets immediately annoyed that im gunning for sex. Which makes me self conscious. SO if I want to get her in the mood, and I start her a bath, rub her shoulders, brush her hair, light candles, turn on music, rub her feet, do the whole song and dance, I want to know that shes interested in having sex with me because shes attracted and in the mood, NOT because she feels that since I've done all this work, she now feels obligated.

 

Is this a personal issue of mine?

 

In addition, I dont feel like she cares for me. I just get a general feeling that im annoying and I always look at her, im always feeling like i want to make love to her, but she just goes on throughout her day... and Its and internal batttle for me to leave her alone. Like I'll be mowing the lawn and see her doing yard work and thing "my god is she sexy..." ill want to stop mowing and walk over to her, and tell her and hug her and kiss her then go back to work. I've done that in the past, but i've always left feeling like, man I annoyed the hell out of her. Shes not mean or distant... I just feel like... I dont know, like she just goes through the motions.

 

I have discussed these things with her, I do communicate a lot and she CONSTANTLY has to re-assure me that "no im not trying to flirt with guys", "yes i just love you, i have four kids with you..." and "yes i find you attractive, i just find it hard to say things like that". And we have had completely candid conversations where we will completely open up to one another, but i feel like I walk away only alittle better than when we started. I still dont feel like I believe her 100%.

 

Now keep in mind too, I have trust issues with her as well. I've been known to get overly upset and yell when I find out she hasnt given me the entire story on certain things. So im not tring to make excuses for her, but i do agree that i do that... but she says thats teh reason shes not always came clean with me. She has kept things from me in the past with our financial items. Borrowing money from family to make ends meet. Turning in her investments (they were hers, but we're married, she should have told me) to pay off debt (that she takes responsibility for), and also with that situation with the guy. I had to grudgingly pull all the info about that douchebag from her... she was very weird about that situation.

 

Whenever she leaves I cant focus. I worry about "Whats she doing, who is she taling with". When she is tapping on her phone I worry about "who is she texting, is she gonna try to go out tonight and leave me with the kids?" This stuff eats me from the inside out, I get a pain in my gut every time she gets dressed up to go out and do anything. Its a MASSIVE internal battle for me to keep my mouth shut, try to play it cool and tell her to have fun.

 

So I DO have massive trust issues as a result of her not owning up to certain things, and her inability to show me any raw emotion. Its very rare that I will here her say "god i love you" and she doesnt really act like shes proud of me. I mean do normal guys even care about that?? Its gotta be massive insecurity.

 

As a result I've been working out REAL hard core. Been getting in shape, and again, she has acknowledged that i look good, but I guess I expected her to be hanging on me a little more and possibly more attracted.

 

Nope. She carries on daily life. I always want her.

 

So here I am, Im CONSTANTLY worried she wants to cheat. I CONSTANTLY worry that she will think her life is too mediocre and she feels like a beat down mom and I CONSTANTLY worry she doesnt care about me. Im insecure, I cant afford a psycologist...

 

I come from a broken home. My father cheated on my mom and he left us all in the lurch for his wife. Then my dad's new wife ended up cheating on him etc etc, I try not to blame my issues on that, because I feel like if I realize or acknowledge it, I have to be able to overcome right?

 

I dont know. Some real useful constructive advice would be so amazingly helpful.

 

Yes I know im insecure. Yes I know Im a sissy. I just want to feel loved. I want to feel secure for once in my life.

 

I really REALLY wish I possessed the ability that some of these cool guys have to just shut that off. That **** that makes a guy so attractive to a girl, that "i dont give a damn..." factor. I just dont have the ability to not care. I always want to knwo what shes tinking, i always want to know if im annoying her, i always want to know that she loves just me....

 

but i never know. and it hurts.

[BettyBoop]

My best advice to you is to start loving yourself. Insecurity comes from not loving yourself enough to realise that you're a lovable person. Men who "women want" love themselves enough...or too much.

[luvbun80]

As a result I've been working out REAL hard core. Been getting in shape, and again, she has acknowledged that i look good, but I guess I expected her to be hanging on me a little more and possibly more attracted.

 

My take (because I have dealt and am still dealing with similar issues) is that you are setting yourself up for disappointment because you expect something (sex, attention) from her in return for your effort. So #1 it won't ever be good enough, and #2 it's not genuine, free and sincere (whether or not you believe it is) - it's a trade transaction. Whereas if you do the workout for yourself first then you can truly appreciate yourself. Gaining confidence and attractiveness becomes sort of a side effect of doing things for yourself, i.e., you have to stop looking for it to find it.

 

Somewhere between the selfish bastard and the needy wimp there is a nice, confident yet attentive man

 

There is a book which was recommended to me in a previous thread called "No more Mr nice guy". I disagree with most of the book but it does raise some interesting points, if you can read it on the 2nd degree rather than at face value.

[John Michael Kane]

She's a cheater. Divorce her.

[Entropy3000]

Hi guys,

 

I know the problem is probably going to be me needing professional help. Maybe I'm simply posting here as a method of venting because I just cant take the pain of my relationship anymore. I believe the pain is all self inflicted. Or most of it at least. I have a long story that will wind and twist, and im not sure how necessary all of this is... its very disjointed and all over the place, but im hoping this will give a little insight into my mentality and maybe some of you can offer me advice on how I can be a better husband.

 

I've been with my wife since high school and we've been together for 14 years. 9 of those years we've been married.

 

I absolutely adore my wife, and although she doesn't believe me, I find her to be the most attractive, beautiful amazing woman I know. I do get annoyed from time to time, but everyone has their quirks, I know I have mine that get to her as well.

 

So ever since I've known her, I've always had insecurities about her going out, doing things with people, dressing certain ways and taking part in events. As a teen I was very controlling, I had issues whenever she talked to guys, whenever I saw her befriending anyone. I think I always felt like I wasnt good enough. As I grew older, I learned how supremely destructive that behavior was to her as well as to me. I eventually learned that I needed to withhold those feelings and let her life her life, or she would eventually, and most definitely leave me.

 

Eventually we had our first, then second, then third and now our fourth and final child. We are now 33.

 

I still love and adore her, find her just as attractive as the day I met her. She tells me she doesnt see it, but I see her for who she is... not a few stretchmarks on her belly.

 

Two years ago, I saw her email was up on the laptop and saw and email from a guy that said "morning beautiful". It was a guy way back from high school who knew her mom (her mom was very involved in school) contacted her. Her mom had since passed. I found he emailed her and then eventually talked to her on the phone. He even asked her for a phone pic of her, she sent her face to which he replied "is that all". He claimed to be a religious guy, but as a male, Im not stupid... I get what he was doing. She claimed she was naive and didnt see what he was trying to do. She claimed it all seemed innocent to her. I find that extremely hard to believe.... but i explained to her how us men can be when we're single and how we will angle any way we can, regardless of what you think the intention is. I still have severe issues with that happening to this day. It was rough, and I still dont believe her. The guy was on the other side of teh country, claimed to be traiing for CIA which is why he had to use a different name (which I find comical, the movie true lies comes to mind) etc etc.. it was just a screwed up mess.

 

So anyway, she started to get into her sports league she loves so much and she would go up to open gym to play every week. I found it for her and got her all set up to go. She'd just up and go. After a few years of that, she recently met with a few people and started on a league about 20 miles away. All coed. Well I noticed she started taking showers before going to play (weird, why would you shower before a game) and then she started texting all these people to organize games (guys and girls). So I watch her friending young guys on face book, I met a couple of them, which look like effing fire fighters... and here I am a father of four kids on the side lines.. while she wears her tight uniform with these ripped guys. But then again, if she wanted to hide anything why would she invite me to bring the kids and watch. Regardless. it bothers me, and she does go out to the bar after games (like most of these teams do) after games to celebrate their wins.

 

So I do have issues with that, when it involves other guys, I get really bugged out. Because I feel like she doesnt really talk to me. Shes not the type to come home after a game and talk about things. Shes not one really to openly talk about things. I must drag things out of her. I have to ask questions and get answers to hear about hwo the game went, or who she talked to at teh bar.

 

In addition, since kids, our sex life is in the toilet. I've read its very common. We have sex though, once.... like a month max... if im lucky its twice a month. Thats not easy, I love having sex with my wife, shes the best, but she doesnt seem to be much of a fan. I tell her its very important and she agrees, its just that she gets so exhausted and granted i dont work hard enough at doing things to get her "in the mood".

 

But we have a funny relationship, because ive always been the one to hang on her, fondle here or there, kiss on her tell her how gorgeous she is. she RARELY will tell me she finds me attractive. So any advance I make, I think she gets immediately annoyed that im gunning for sex. Which makes me self conscious. SO if I want to get her in the mood, and I start her a bath, rub her shoulders, brush her hair, light candles, turn on music, rub her feet, do the whole song and dance, I want to know that shes interested in having sex with me because shes attracted and in the mood, NOT because she feels that since I've done all this work, she now feels obligated.

 

Is this a personal issue of mine?

 

In addition, I dont feel like she cares for me. I just get a general feeling that im annoying and I always look at her, im always feeling like i want to make love to her, but she just goes on throughout her day... and Its and internal batttle for me to leave her alone. Like I'll be mowing the lawn and see her doing yard work and thing "my god is she sexy..." ill want to stop mowing and walk over to her, and tell her and hug her and kiss her then go back to work. I've done that in the past, but i've always left feeling like, man I annoyed the hell out of her. Shes not mean or distant... I just feel like... I dont know, like she just goes through the motions.

 

I have discussed these things with her, I do communicate a lot and she CONSTANTLY has to re-assure me that "no im not trying to flirt with guys", "yes i just love you, i have four kids with you..." and "yes i find you attractive, i just find it hard to say things like that". And we have had completely candid conversations where we will completely open up to one another, but i feel like I walk away only alittle better than when we started. I still dont feel like I believe her 100%.

 

Now keep in mind too, I have trust issues with her as well. I've been known to get overly upset and yell when I find out she hasnt given me the entire story on certain things. So im not tring to make excuses for her, but i do agree that i do that... but she says thats teh reason shes not always came clean with me. She has kept things from me in the past with our financial items. Borrowing money from family to make ends meet. Turning in her investments (they were hers, but we're married, she should have told me) to pay off debt (that she takes responsibility for), and also with that situation with the guy. I had to grudgingly pull all the info about that douchebag from her... she was very weird about that situation.

 

Whenever she leaves I cant focus. I worry about "Whats she doing, who is she taling with". When she is tapping on her phone I worry about "who is she texting, is she gonna try to go out tonight and leave me with the kids?" This stuff eats me from the inside out, I get a pain in my gut every time she gets dressed up to go out and do anything. Its a MASSIVE internal battle for me to keep my mouth shut, try to play it cool and tell her to have fun.

 

So I DO have massive trust issues as a result of her not owning up to certain things, and her inability to show me any raw emotion. Its very rare that I will here her say "god i love you" and she doesnt really act like shes proud of me. I mean do normal guys even care about that?? Its gotta be massive insecurity.

 

As a result I've been working out REAL hard core. Been getting in shape, and again, she has acknowledged that i look good, but I guess I expected her to be hanging on me a little more and possibly more attracted.

 

Nope. She carries on daily life. I always want her.

 

So here I am, Im CONSTANTLY worried she wants to cheat. I CONSTANTLY worry that she will think her life is too mediocre and she feels like a beat down mom and I CONSTANTLY worry she doesnt care about me. Im insecure, I cant afford a psycologist...

 

I come from a broken home. My father cheated on my mom and he left us all in the lurch for his wife. Then my dad's new wife ended up cheating on him etc etc, I try not to blame my issues on that, because I feel like if I realize or acknowledge it, I have to be able to overcome right?

 

I dont know. Some real useful constructive advice would be so amazingly helpful.

 

Yes I know im insecure. Yes I know Im a sissy. I just want to feel loved. I want to feel secure for once in my life.

 

I really REALLY wish I possessed the ability that some of these cool guys have to just shut that off. That **** that makes a guy so attractive to a girl, that "i dont give a damn..." factor. I just dont have the ability to not care. I always want to knwo what shes tinking, i always want to know if im annoying her, i always want to know that she loves just me....

 

but i never know. and it hurts.

 

Part of your issue is that you have nice guy syndrome. After women have their children they have a propensity to start looking for validation from other men. They are looking for the associated excitement.

 

Men are wired to repopulate the planet. Woman are wired to find the most fit male. Espaecially after women have had their children whether they realize it or not, they start putting themselves out there again. Some intentionally some just are looking to meet needs. BUT it amounts to the same thing. They arer seeking validation at the least from other men. You telling her how great she looks is not exciting her. Another man, someone who is more Alpha in nature is exciting.

 

The fact is that no matter how a good a guy you are you are just not exciting to her any more. You may be her source of oxytocin but she is getting no dopamine from you. In fact the nicer you are the less attractive you are to her. The other men are.

 

http:http://www.marriedmansexlife.com///

 

See this above link. The blog is interesting. I have just finished the book myself. Go back to the beginning of the blog and peruse the topics. The book is worth getting IMO. This has helped me no end.

 

Having male friends she spends time with instead of you is a red flag in your situation. IMHO coed sports where a wife participates without her husband is just a woman acting single. Many folks will disagree and so on. BUT looking at it from your perspective the more time she spends with these other men the less attractive you become and the greater the chance of an affair.

[Entropy3000]

A woman having kids within a man means very little in terms of her cheating on you. i.e. she gets to keep the kids no matter what. So no risk to her.

 

If she lies by telling untruths or lies by omission she is lieing period. People lie to hide things. Hiding things means they are doing things they do not want their SO to know. Which is usually an EA or PA or behavior leading to that.

 

Does she drink? Go to bars and such with these guys? Does she go over their houses / apartments? How much time is she spending away from you and your kids? Does she stay out late?

 

I think you already noticed she is making sure she looks especially good when she goes out. Do you attend these sporting events? Do you know the people she is hanging out with? Are you seeing them hitting on her and her engaging them?

[Entropy3000]

It has been said that when there is suspicion of an affair the likelihood of an actual affair is around 90%.

 

Yes. The jealous reflex is there for a reason. Men are wired to c0ckblock their women from being impregnated by other men.

 

Unfortunately men are said to be insecure and controlling when they sense this stuff. They should ignore those comments and follow their gut feeling.

[Entropy3000]

So you do need to work on you for a humber of reasons. You need to improve your attraction to women period. This will go a long way towards your wife being attracted to you, plus if she has gone off the depned it gives you options.

 

Improving yourself takes time. First to learn and then to act. You donl;t have time while your wife may on her way out the door. So in parallel you need to determine what is going on.

 

BTW, do not let anyone tell you not to volate her privacy. Couples should not have secrets from one another. A lot of times this gets to the point of installing a keylogger on computers. BUT, they real indicator is the secrecy itself. Check her phone out when she is not looking. Look at the emails, calls and texts. If there are a lot of the same numbers see who they are.

 

I know this sounds insecure but the fact is you are playing catch up and are running out of time.

[reboot]

She's a cheater. Divorce her.

 

While I admit I would be suspicious, your advice is absurd. Nowhere in his post does he offer any proof his wife is cheating. You don't divorce someone because they take showers when you don't think they should. Good grief.

[Entropy3000]

"So anyway, she started to get into her sports league she loves so much and she would go up to open gym to play every week. I found it for her and got her all set up to go. She'd just up and go. After a few years of that, she recently met with a few people and started on a league about 20 miles away. All coed. Well I noticed she started taking showers before going to play (weird, why would you shower before a game) and then she started texting all these people to organize games (guys and girls). So I watch her friending young guys on face book, I met a couple of them, which look like effing fire fighters... and here I am a father of four kids on the side lines.. while she wears her tight uniform with these ripped guys. But then again, if she wanted to hide anything why would she invite me to bring the kids and watch. Regardless. it bothers me, and she does go out to the bar after games (like most of these teams do) after games to celebrate their wins"

 

Ok so you answered some of this. It is good that you go. Facebook is responsible for a large number of divorces. The excuse she has for friending them is that they play sports together. Dang. Shame. Because without that excuse it is much easier to say no friending single guys on Facebook. So this leaves you with needing to be able to access her Facebook. If she won't that is a huge red flag.

 

The guys are hotter than you. She knows it and enjoys it. She is at least fliriting with this. It is some level of playing just the tip.

 

Does she work?

 

We are talking softball ... right? Anything else?

Edited June 30, 2011 by Entropy3000

[Entropy3000]

BTW.

 

Your wife does probably love you. She is just not in love with you. Big difference. The person she is in love with gets the sex, admiration and attention. You need to make the changes in yourself for her to fall in love with. However, you cannot do that if she is having an affair with someone else.

Edited June 30, 2011 by Entropy3000