Is it worth bringing up little things?

[robdrm32]

I've been with this girl for a couple months now and I will admit i can be jealous, and overly sensitive. Having only been cheated on and lied to in the past it is something I need to work on i know that.

 

But from time to time there are things that just get under my skin which I know aren't huge deals, but I feel like saying something yet I hold back not wanting to make an issue out of things that may not really be an issue.

 

A few examples.

 

Lately she has been taking a long time to respond to texts like 45 mins to an hour 1/2. Which I do the same just not intentionally, i'm busy. And it really only bothers me because she normally is very quick responding and when we are together she checks her phone literally every 5 mins, it's attached to her hip. So for her to take that long to respond tells me she sees it and is choosing not to respond.

 

Went to her graduation with her family, after the ceremony we were in the halls and she was saying hi to all her family, hugging them etc. taking pictures. A few friends walk by and she grabs them excitedly for pictures, all the while hasn't said hi to me, and only eventually did when her mom brought up that we should take a pic together.

 

later on i jokingly say something about it and she says "i was trying to get to you" which i find as a bs excuse

 

At her party we're standing with a few of her girlfriends and a group of kids start walking to the party, so she says ok i'm going to go say hi. (she had said about how many people i'm going to be introduced to, and so far had introduced me to all of her girlfriends.) So i'm standing there for about 5 minutes, watching her hug them all, one for like a good ten seconds and i didn't like how close one kid was to her so i eventually walked over.

 

I said "so are you going to introduce me to your friends or pretend i don't exist?" and she replies "You were just standing there!"

I didnt say anything at the time but its like WTF? you walked away from me!

So as she is introducing me the kid that was close to her has a comment "she wouldn't want to introduce me"

So after a few minutes they leave, and my g/f is saying how she doesn't know why they all showed up, she only invited the one kid and his g/f and she doesn't really even talk to them much.

 

But to me she was awfully friendly to these kids she doesn't know very well, especially when you couldn't be bothered to say hi to me when i had just sat through a 2 hour graduation ceremony. And i'm your freaking boyfriend.

 

I feel like i know these are "little things" but they still irritate me. I just don't know if it's worth bringing up.

 

What say you?

 

And please if you think i'm being ridiculous go ahead and say it, just explain to me why/how.

[vsmini]

I'm assuming this was a High School graduation? If that's the case then the immature behavior you are describing is pretty common but still - probably really annoying to her.

 

Texting is a very casual form of conversation - if you need to really talk to her then call her. Don't expect her to be on-call for you with a text. She might be talking with someone else and doesn't want to be rude to the person she's face-to-face with and just text you in the open. Some people find that very rude and certain people she is with might have made that clear.

 

When you said this:

I said "so are you going to introduce me to your friends or pretend i don't exist?" and she replies "You were just standing there!"

 

You were going out of your way to make her feel really uncomfortable and it was a snarky thing to say to her.

 

If you continue to bring up these small things she will most likely notice the insecurity (which many women find very unattractive) and will dump you.

Also - you mentioned how you didn't like how nice she was to some people she didn't know very well. Why on earth would that bother you? That comes off as sounding very controlling on your part.

[robdrm32]

it was a snarky thing to say, i just found it odd that she introduced me to none of her guy friends the whole night. and it bothered me she was friendly towards people she doesnt know well and didnt invite, yet couldnt be bothered to say hi to me after i sat through a 2 hour long ceremony, for her. maybe im wierd and think your partner should get more attention than casual friends.

[vsmini]

it was a snarky thing to say, i just found it odd that she introduced me to none of her guy friends the whole night. and it bothered me she was friendly towards people she doesnt know well and didnt invite, yet couldnt be bothered to say hi to me after i sat through a 2 hour long ceremony, for her. maybe im wierd and think your partner should get more attention than casual friends.

 

See, I don't actually believe that you think you might be weird. You're just getting passive aggressive and nothing is solved that way.

 

So she didn't say hi to you at all? she completely ignored you? Or you felt ignored? there's a difference. And you keep talking about this 2 hour ceremony - do you feel like you sacrificed something for it? So now it's something to hold over her head?

 

I guess the bottom line is - you wanted more attention than you got. You didn't handle it very well. Talk to her and if she agrees to work on things great - if not, and you're still unhappy...guess its time to go.

[thatone]

I'm assuming this was a High School graduation? If that's the case then the immature behavior you are describing is pretty common but still - probably really annoying to her.

 

Texting is a very casual form of conversation - if you need to really talk to her then call her. Don't expect her to be on-call for you with a text. She might be talking with someone else and doesn't want to be rude to the person she's face-to-face with and just text you in the open. Some people find that very rude and certain people she is with might have made that clear.

 

When you said this:

 

 

You were going out of your way to make her feel really uncomfortable and it was a snarky thing to say to her.

 

If you continue to bring up these small things she will most likely notice the insecurity (which many women find very unattractive) and will dump you.

Also - you mentioned how you didn't like how nice she was to some people she didn't know very well. Why on earth would that bother you? That comes off as sounding very controlling on your part.

 

i think you're completely wrong in interpreting all of this, and borderline crazy with the suggestion that he break up with her over something this trivial. it has nothing to do with their relationship. we're talking about social grace and common courtesy here.

 

a) you don't invite people, whether they be relationship partners or not, to gatherings where you know everyone and then don't introduce them. it's rude.

 

b) how you would react if a boyfriend of yours invited you to, say, a business dinner where all of his co-workers where there, and expected you to sit by yourself silently, and refused to introduce you to anyone?

 

c) expanding on part B, how would you feel if after such a situation you said it was rude of him to leave you sitting silently by yourself all night, and the boyfriend responded "screw you, i don't need an insecure woman, stop complaining or i'll leave you".

 

see how silly those preconceived notions sound?

 

this isn't a matter of dating games. if you don't want to introduce someone you're dating to your friends and family, don't invite them to events where friends and family will be. if you do invite them, you have to introduce them or you are being rude.

 

this is a pretty simple concept, that the OP is right in being offended about and should explain to her. yeah since it's a graduation i'm assuming too that it's high school or college aged at best and she simply didn't know any better. well, now is the time for her to learn, tell her about it.

Edited June 27, 2011 by thatone

[vsmini]

i think you're completely wrong in interpreting all of this.

 

a) you don't invite people, whether they be relationship partners or not, to gatherings where you know everyone and then don't introduce them. it's rude.

 

b) how you would react if a boyfriend of yours invited you to, say, a business dinner where all of his co-workers where there, and expected you to sit by yourself silently, and refused to introduce you to anyone?

 

c) expanding on part B, how would you feel if after such a situation you said it was rude of him to leave you sitting silently by yourself all night, and the boyfriend responded "screw you, i don't need an insecure woman, stop complaining or i'll leave you".

 

see how silly those preconceived notions sound?

 

this isn't a matter of dating games, it's simple common courtesy. if you don't want to introduce someone you're dating to your friends and family, don't invite them to events where friends and family will be. if you do invite them, you have to introduce them or you are being rude.

 

this is a pretty simple concept, that the OP is right in being offended about and should explain to her.

 

 

b) how you would react if a boyfriend of yours invited you to, say, a business dinner where all of his co-workers where there, and expected you to sit by yourself silently, and refused to introduce you to anyone?

 

Wouldn't happen as I usually mingle and get to know people. I understand I would feel awkward being proactive with meeting people I didn't know but I'm sure he knew some people there - so he didn't need to completely depend on her for that. Yes I would think it was rude to not be introduced to anyone at all. I would also think it was rude if she completely ignored him - but is that what happened? (I asked for clarification in my last post and am waiting for the response). I find it pretty odd that she didnt say hi to him even once. So was the OP ignored in reality or just felt neglected for attention? Either way I'm sure his feelings are valid - just his expression of them were not very good.

 

c) expanding on part B, how would you feel if after such a situation you said it was rude of him to leave you sitting silently by yourself all night, and the boyfriend responded "screw you, i don't need an insecure woman, stop complaining or i'll leave you".

 

I wouldn't like that very much at all but the OP didn't really say that at all. He made it sound like he said it to her in the middle of the party. What he said was (and he agreed) snarky and not brought up in a very constructive way at all.

 

Whatever. The guy is obviously young and seems a bit immature - I'm sure the girl is too. They can talk it out. I think you're the one interpreting this a bit wrong.

[thatone]

that's not the point, inserting yourself into other people's conversations to introduce yourself is also rude. we're not talking about a bar here, he's talking about a graduation ceremony.

 

he brought it up that way because she was being rude. when you behave rudely, you get rude replies from people.

[robdrm32]

Vsmini, your right I am insecure, and can be overly jealous. That is why i post here so i can get an idea if its just my irrational response or something that justifies me being annoyed/upset.

 

With all due respect i don't think you read my entire first post so i'll break down what my issues are.

 

A. After the ceremony she said hi/hugged all her family and friends, seeking them out. She barely looked at me until her mother said "hey get in there for a pic". At which point i kissed her on the cheek said congrats and moved back.

I bring up the 2 hour ceremony because she asked me to go, and said she wanted me there. Yet afterwards I was ignored. I didnt "feel" ignored, I was.

 

B. I did mingle with her family and friends for a while, I wasn't clinging to her, we were doing our own thing for the most part. She had introduced me to most (if not all) of her girlfriends. At one point we were talking and the group of guys showed up and she said "i'm gonna go say hi", excluding me. If i hadn't walked over she would have left me there until they left.

 

C. I watched her interact with them, hugged them all, one for an extended hug, and as i said one of them was standing in her "bubble" for a time. So what i did say was "snarky" but from my perspective it was saying "thanks for excluding me" and her response was "you were just standing there".

Because she left me there to talk to them.

 

She didn't say "let's go say hi" or "come on over". she excluded me.

 

D. Her being so friendly with guys she doesn't know well irks me because I got the opposite when i first saw her that day. It's not like we saw eachother before the ceremony.

[robdrm32]

that's not the point, inserting yourself into other people's conversations to introduce yourself is also rude. we're not talking about a bar here, he's talking about a graduation ceremony.

 

he brought it up that way because she was being rude. when you behave rudely, you get rude replies from people.

 

Sort of, i wasn't doing it to be rude. Her friend that she left me standing with was saying how they were all dirtbags, I didn't like what i saw so i went in to show them that she was taken.

 

Call me crazy but shouldn't a girl who tells me "i'm everything to her" and "I mean the world to her" want to introduce me to all of her friends? guy or girl? and show me more affection than any of her male friends?

[thatone]

yes, normal people do that. yes you're right in being offended by it, yes you need to talk to her about it. i wouldn't assume that it was intentional, i will agree with vsmini that she probably just didn't know any better. just talk about it calmly....

 

"hey, inviting people to events where you know everyone and then not introducing them or leaving them hanging while you go off on your own is kinda rude, you shouldn't do that, people can get offended by such things and feel left out or unwanted."

 

her mother was trying to give her a hint and smooth the situation over by inviting you into a picture, if i had to guess, the mother probably felt a bit ashamed at how her daughter was behaving.

Edited June 27, 2011 by thatone

[in_absentia]

Sounds like she isn't happy with you, if I was happy with my partner I'd be dying to introduce them to people and 'show them off' so to speak. Maybe the reason she's unhappy is because you're so jealous and controlling ('I didn't like how close they were standing' 'they hugged for like ten seconds' wtf?! A grad ceremony, people are emotional, they're parting ways and people do give very long hugs!)

 

Or maybe it's another reason, but either way... this relationship sounds doomed!

[robdrm32]

Sounds like she isn't happy with you, if I was happy with my partner I'd be dying to introduce them to people and 'show them off' so to speak. Maybe the reason she's unhappy is because you're so jealous and controlling ('I didn't like how close they were standing' 'they hugged for like ten seconds' wtf?! A grad ceremony, people are emotional, they're parting ways and people do give very long hugs!)

 

Or maybe it's another reason, but either way... this relationship sounds doomed!

 

A little selective reading on your part i think. I didn't like that a guy was inches away from my g/f for an extended period of time, especially one whom i've never met and was left standing so she could go talk to. I don't think that I was wrong to feel a little uncomfortable.

 

and the hugs, you may have missed the part where i explained that she doesn't know them very well at all. If it was her friend of a long time i would understand, but this is a kid that she stated that she doesn't know very well.

 

I try not to be controlling, i don't tell her what she can and can't do. I express my feelings and thats it. As for the jealousy, yes i can get jealous, i admitted that. I try to fight it. But i don't yell at her, i don't fly off the handle. I talk to her calmly and ask questions.

 

And things have been going good, she tells me how happy i make her, and how i mean everything to her (which was in my posts) so for her to say those things leads me to believe she would want to "show me off", which she did to her girlfriends, its just she didn't introduce me to her guy friends.

 

If your SO did the same you wouldn't find it a bit odd?

[robdrm32]

yes, normal people do that. yes you're right in being offended by it, yes you need to talk to her about it. i wouldn't assume that it was intentional, i will agree with vsmini that she probably just didn't know any better. just talk about it calmly....

 

"hey, inviting people to events where you know everyone and then not introducing them or leaving them hanging while you go off on your own is kinda rude, you shouldn't do that, people can get offended by such things and feel left out or unwanted."

 

her mother was trying to give her a hint and smooth the situation over by inviting you into a picture, if i had to guess, the mother probably felt a bit ashamed at how her daughter was behaving.

 

I agree that its the fact she doesn't know any better, but its frustrating as hell to have to go over things that are obvious to me.

 

And given my past experiences these are things that just rub me the wrong way and sketch me out. making want to distance myself.

 

So its like everytime she does something like this i have to rationalize it as in "she doesn't know any better"

 

But where that ends is what my problem is. Finding when i stop making excuses and allowing her to make excuses for herself and see that its maybe she just doesn't care.

[vsmini]

A little selective reading on your part i think. I didn't like that a guy was inches away from my g/f for an extended period of time, especially one whom i've never met and was left standing so she could go talk to. I don't think that I was wrong to feel a little uncomfortable.

 

and the hugs, you may have missed the part where i explained that she doesn't know them very well at all. If it was her friend of a long time i would understand, but this is a kid that she stated that she doesn't know very well.

 

I try not to be controlling, i don't tell her what she can and can't do. I express my feelings and thats it. As for the jealousy, yes i can get jealous, i admitted that. I try to fight it. But i don't yell at her, i don't fly off the handle. I talk to her calmly and ask questions.

 

And things have been going good, she tells me how happy i make her, and how i mean everything to her (which was in my posts) so for her to say those things leads me to believe she would want to "show me off", which she did to her girlfriends, its just she didn't introduce me to her guy friends.

 

If your SO did the same you wouldn't find it a bit odd?

 

Yea - we would find it odd. But you do come off in your OP as a bit controlling. Everyone who has somewhat disagreed with you, you've said they didn't read the post properly. It seems like you've justfied your feelings enough to yourself - so what other kind of input are you looking for, aside from validation?

[robdrm32]

Yea - we would find it odd. But you do come off in your OP as a bit controlling. Everyone who has somewhat disagreed with you, you've said they didn't read the post properly. It seems like you've justfied your feelings enough to yourself - so what other kind of input are you looking for, aside from validation?

 

I guess i see that from the responses i've gotten, that certain things i said were in my posts yet the responses didn't come off as if they had yielded that info. You just said you would find it a bit odd, yet i'm controlling for feeling the same?

 

I implied in_abstentia didn't fully read my posts because they made it out to be like these were her close friends that had come to see her, when i explicitly stated that they were people she didn't know very well.

 

And it probably wouldn't have bothered me if I didn't get ignored at the ceremony, or left standing there while she went and talked to them. thats where the jealousy comes in. Other guys getting attention in ways that i didn't in similar situations.

[robdrm32]

what i'm seeking is an answer to the title of my thread.

 

Is it worth bringing up little things?

[FrostFire]

This relationship is not doomed at all! What the... how and why are you even saying that is beyond me.

 

Here's something we overlook though because we're so caught up in the wrong being done to us that we don't focus on the good at the time. The good news is you did get to talk to her and you were introduced to her friends. The bad news is you weren't introduced to all her friends. It especially bothers you more when it's guy friends and it bothers you even more when it's a guy that is hugging her. It can be interpreted differently in so many ways that you have no idea.

 

One simple saying that I often remind myself of daily is this: "To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have."

 

It is very obvious that you feel threatened when another guy hugs your girlfriend as you yourself have related hugging towards affection. Basically your thinking if someone is hugging then that clearly is the "red-zone" for you but not so for your girlfriend. This simple fact in and of itself is an, you guessed it, insecurity. It's the cause for your reaction in what you said to her about it.

 

The thing is you two are not married and she does not always have to do everything the way you think she should. She may be your girlfriend but that doesn't mean she can't be with other guys. Can you handle that? Can you handle your girlfriend hanging around other guys?? She's going to make mistakes! Heck, even you are going to make mistakes.

 

You need to talk to your girlfriend about what happened and how it made you feel, but understand that she is entitled to react however she wants. She is also is entitled to do whatever she wants. She's not married to you. There is no legal commitment to anyone until you sign papers. Everything else is just your words based off of trust you build up over time in one another.

 

I think you did the right thing by walking up and asserting that she was "taken." You however, said something so childishly immature that took you from being a strong man to being so weak. The best thing for you to have done in that scenario was to actually just say hello to every single guy there by simply saying:

 

"Sup guys! You all having fun at this party? (while making eye contact with each one). Hey listen I know you probably would love to stand here and chat to this amazing woman but I'm going to steal her back now as I'm sure she's told you who I am. .... wait for a reply... Oh she hasn't? Well that's ok. I'll just leave it up for you to see. :P" Then take her by the hand, whisper something cute in her ear and lead her away back to wherever you want. There, now you have her undivided attention, claimed to all the guys that she is taken, she'll realize what you did and why you did it. She was getting all caught up in the moment and not realizing it.

 

One more thing... From the sounds of it your girlfriend seems very attractive to get that much attention from guys she doesn't know. You have to understand that if your girlfriend is attractive are you willing to deal with the fact that other guys will always be trying to hit on her, sadly. It's reality and you'll just have to deal with that fact.

[vsmini]

No. If you truly believe it is a little thing then it is never really worth it.

Though through experience you learn what really are deemed "little" or "big" things. What I used to think were little things were actually red flags and not so little at all. But - it's a trial and testing period when you're younger.

 

It's hard for us to stay definitively if what you or she is doing is appropriate or not.

 

If something is really bothering you - you have to determine if its coming from a logical place or not. If you suspect it is then maybe it's not such a small thing after all

[FrostFire]

what i'm seeking is an answer to the title of my thread.

 

Is it worth bringing up little things?

 

From my experience (I've been together with my girlfriend for over a year now) is not all the time. I know that's not the answer you want to hear but there are times to bring certain things up and there are times when not to. You yourself have to gauge this one on your own and it takes practice. I tried the approach of bringing little things up at first all the time but realized that was just too toxic for the relationship. If one of us was always going to be bringing stupid little things up all the time (most of the time being it an insecurity from either one of us) then we were going to get bored with each other very fast.

 

That was my mistake because I suggested we don't hold anything in. But %)*$ what a mistake that was . I guess my girlfriend took that literally and wow I did get bored really fast of the constant complaining. It was such a turn-off and I was miserable. Finally, I cracked I said ok enough of this and realized there's some things that we just have to keep to ourselves. Our insecurities we have to work on ourselves.

 

You definitely have an insecurity and need to work on it. Since this one is more or less you feeling you were being ignored it's best you do talk about this at first so she realizes this so as to be more aware of what she's doing around you. We all have to make a few little compromises here and there to bring balance to our relationships.

 

You also have to now search inside yourself to realize what's causing this insecurity and discuss it with your girlfriend. Make a commitment for yourself that you are going to work on this and also make her aware you will too. This is open and honest communication.

 

No do not let every little thing get to you. Find something else to do with your time when she's not replying to your on your cellphone right away. Get this out of your head and it will cure most of your problems "If I can do it she should be able to do the same". That previous comment right there is the cause for most of your insecurities. She's different and will never be the same as you. Accept this and enjoy life! :love:

[robdrm32]

This relationship is not doomed at all! What the... how and why are you even saying that is beyond me.

 

Here's something we overlook though because we're so caught up in the wrong being done to us that we don't focus on the good at the time. The good news is you did get to talk to her and you were introduced to her friends. The bad news is you weren't introduced to all her friends. It especially bothers you more when it's guy friends and it bothers you even more when it's a guy that is hugging her. It can be interpreted differently in so many ways that you have no idea.

 

One simple saying that I often remind myself of daily is this: "To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have."

 

It is very obvious that you feel threatened when another guy hugs your girlfriend as you yourself have related hugging towards affection. Basically your thinking if someone is hugging then that clearly is the "red-zone" for you but not so for your girlfriend. This simple fact in and of itself is an, you guessed it, insecurity. It's the cause for your reaction in what you said to her about it.

 

The thing is you two are not married and she does not always have to do everything the way you think she should. She may be your girlfriend but that doesn't mean she can't be with other guys. Can you handle that? Can you handle your girlfriend hanging around other guys?? She's going to make mistakes! Heck, even you are going to make mistakes.

 

You need to talk to your girlfriend about what happened and how it made you feel, but understand that she is entitled to react however she wants. She is also is entitled to do whatever she wants. She's not married to you. There is no legal commitment to anyone until you sign papers. Everything else is just your words based off of trust you build up over time in one another.

 

I think you did the right thing by walking up and asserting that she was "taken." You however, said something so childishly immature that took you from being a strong man to being so weak. The best thing for you to have done in that scenario was to actually just say hello to every single guy there by simply saying:

 

"Sup guys! You all having fun at this party? (while making eye contact with each one). Hey listen I know you probably would love to stand here and chat to this amazing woman but I'm going to steal her back now as I'm sure she's told you who I am. .... wait for a reply... Oh she hasn't? Well that's ok. I'll just leave it up for you to see. :P" Then take her by the hand, whisper something cute in her ear and lead her away back to wherever you want. There, now you have her undivided attention, claimed to all the guys that she is taken, she'll realize what you did and why you did it. She was getting all caught up in the moment and not realizing it.

 

One more thing... From the sounds of it your girlfriend seems very attractive to get that much attention from guys she doesn't know. You have to understand that if your girlfriend is attractive are you willing to deal with the fact that other guys will always be trying to hit on her, sadly. It's reality and you'll just have to deal with that fact.

 

See this is a response i really appreciate. You're right, what i said was childish and probably made me look weaker. And guys hugging her isn't necessarily a red zone, its just guys she doesn't really know. If it was a real friend i wouldn't mind, and haven't as that's happened before.

 

I try not to approach it as she "should" do x,y,z. its more that if my needs aren't met and me expressing them doesn't change anything i'm eventually going to walk.

 

I know guys are going to hit on her, i stood and watched as i made myself a sandwich at her job, a guy talking to her for like 5 minutes. I didn't say anything i just let it go, he didn't know, and she is a cashier its her job to be nice to customers.

 

This was just a different situation. Unfortunatley i'm not so smooth as to say what you said i should have. But i'll keep it in mind going forward.

[FrostFire]

I try not to approach it as she "should" do x,y,z. its more that if my needs aren't met and me expressing them doesn't change anything i'm eventually going to walk.

 

You try but unconsciously because you've been raised to believe things a certain way you still do approach things as x, y, z. It's not until someone tells you that you still are approaching things that way do you realize that you need to do some searching inside yourself and work at yourself before worrying about the other.

 

News flash: Needy guys are a turn-off. You are in the wrong mindset currently. This is true actually for both sexes. Males or Females need nothing but themselves to be happy. If one needs the other to be happy in life and the other doesn't give the person what they want then it is doomed to fail eventually. This is the most toxic mindset to have in any relationship and could be a reason for a lot of breakups.

 

Work at satisfying your own needs instead of someone doing it for you! If you do this you will have a much more positive and healthy mindset for your relationship. I'm willing to guess that most of your problems are stemmed from some form of abandonment issue that happened at some point in your life.

[robdrm32]

You try but unconsciously because you've been raised to believe things a certain way you still do approach things as x, y, z. It's not until someone tells you that you still are approaching things that way do you realize that you need to do some searching inside yourself and work at yourself before worrying about the other.

 

News flash: Needy guys are a turn-off. You are in the wrong mindset currently. This is true actually for both sexes. Males or Females need nothing but themselves to be happy. If one needs the other to be happy in life and the other doesn't give the person what they want then it is doomed to fail eventually. This is the most toxic mindset to have in any relationship and could be a reason for a lot of breakups.

 

Work at satisfying your own needs instead of someone doing it for you! If you do this you will have a much more positive and healthy mindset for your relationship. I'm willing to guess that most of your problems are stemmed from some form of abandonment issue that happened at some point in your life.

 

Well sort of abandonment, like all your closest friends stabbing you in the back, the only girls i've been with have been cheating lying whores. Tends to mess people up.

 

I know i'm insecure and i have been working on it, believe me i am much better. And there are things i let go and don't bring up.

 

But there is a point where i have to decide if i'm happy being in the relationship. I think some of the problems we have stem from her "not knowing better" and me being insecure mixed in.

 

Her not doing certain things that most people would expect from a relationship standpoint leads to my insecurities attributing that to a lack of interest or insincerity.

 

It's hard as hell to find the balance point on my own.

[in_absentia]

I guess i see that from the responses i've gotten, that certain things i said were in my posts yet the responses didn't come off as if they had yielded that info. You just said you would find it a bit odd, yet i'm controlling for feeling the same?

 

I implied in_abstentia didn't fully read my posts because they made it out to be like these were her close friends that had come to see her, when i explicitly stated that they were people she didn't know very well.

 

And it probably wouldn't have bothered me if I didn't get ignored at the ceremony, or left standing there while she went and talked to them. thats where the jealousy comes in. Other guys getting attention in ways that i didn't in similar situations.

 

I did fully read your posts, I guess it doesn't matter how well you think she knows them, she could have a totally diff. definition of 'not very well' to you, maybe she only chats to them in class, or maybe she has never spoken to them apart from to see them before (in which case people still hug people they barely know at graduation, trust me I've been to one )

 

Maybe she told you she didn't know them very well to avoid a grilling on how well she knows them, if they've ever come onto her, and so forth?

 

Either way, my point remains, that you're being quite jealous and controlling and I can't imagine her being happy with you if she was ignoring you and treating you like **** at her graduation. I'd only act that way towards someone I resented being there, for whatever reason. None of it adds up to a good feeling, right?

[thatone]

I agree that its the fact she doesn't know any better, but its frustrating as hell to have to go over things that are obvious to me.

 

And given my past experiences these are things that just rub me the wrong way and sketch me out. making want to distance myself.

 

So its like everytime she does something like this i have to rationalize it as in "she doesn't know any better"

 

But where that ends is what my problem is. Finding when i stop making excuses and allowing her to make excuses for herself and see that its maybe she just doesn't care.

 

if you can't tell her that she did something wrong, or she can't tell you that you did something wrong, that's a bigger issue than the situation you described.

 

what is her response when you point out similar things?

[robdrm32]

I did fully read your posts, I guess it doesn't matter how well you think she knows them, she could have a totally diff. definition of 'not very well' to you, maybe she only chats to them in class, or maybe she has never spoken to them apart from to see them before (in which case people still hug people they barely know at graduation, trust me I've been to one )

 

Maybe she told you she didn't know them very well to avoid a grilling on how well she knows them, if they've ever come onto her, and so forth?

 

Either way, my point remains, that you're being quite jealous and controlling and I can't imagine her being happy with you if she was ignoring you and treating you like **** at her graduation. I'd only act that way towards someone I resented being there, for whatever reason. None of it adds up to a good feeling, right?

 

Your right i am overly jealous, i talked with her about it and basically i took alot of blame for over-reacting to things. I don't know that she is unhappy with me. She tells me i mean the world to her, and is talking about going to her cousins wedding next jan. so i don't know she would talk about the future if she was so unhappy with me.

 

And i went to the ceremony/graduation because she asked me and brought it up like 5 times so its not like i assumed she wanted me there. She didn't totally treat me like S. Just a few times she was inconsiderate and i overreacted to it. I see that.

 

Thatone, when we talk about these things she always apologizes straight away saying "i didn't mean to" or gives excuses that are BS. She just isn't considerate and i think that has to do with her not wanting to get attached because she is scared of getting hurt.

 

Even last night, she is on vacation and said so many times how she would call me every night. She made no attempt and was texting me. So i said "since i'm not going to hear from you i guess i'll go to sleep (this was at 11pm) have a good night"

 

She asked "do you want me to call you?" which i didnt reply. So an hour or so later she texts me saying "Sorry i didn't call, I was with my family and didnt get to talk to them much"

 

Which ok, maybe if you had said that before i said something it might make sense. And she offered to call right after i said something so it still doesn't make sense. it's just an excuse.

 

She had no intention of calling me, which i'm not mad about i'm just beginning to see thats how things are and no amount of my trying is going to change anything.

 

I think all i can do is distance myself from her a little and see if she comes around. I've been trying to hard lately and I feel like i'm the only one putting effort in.