amberdawn723 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I met the man that would become my husband in my senior year of high school. I was young and stupid and head over heels. He was my first boyfriend and has been the only man I've ever been with. We dated for little over a year before he proposed. I had really been urging him to marry me though for many months. I had moved an hour away for college for 1 year and wanted him to change schools to be with me. Needless to say I moved back home to be closer to him. We got married just short of 2 years together. DH has always worked one job or another. I had my first job when we were dating that only lasted 2 months (hated it). Then I got a part time job as a bank teller and did that for 3 years. I got pregnant only 2 weeks after our court house wedding. 9 months later we have our baby girl. At this point I'm still happy in my life. I worked part time so I could care for our home and baby. My mom and MIL watched the baby for me. I was also going to college taking night classes. After working several different jobs, DH finally got a better paying one (making just under $40K a year gross). I quit my job to go to college full time so I could be home more with my DD and get through school faster. Plus I had VA educ benefits and grants paying for my college and paying me more than I was making at my part time job. It has been 3 years since I quit my job. I'm in the very final stretch of college before graduating. However I have zero desire to work outside the home. I now have a 3 month old DD as well as our 4 year old. I really want to remain a stay at home mom. I do everything to care for our home and our children. DH does nothing. Absolutely nothing outside of work. I can't get him to put his clothes in the hamper in our bedroom. I can't get him to put his dishes in the kitchen, let alone in the dishwasher. I can't get him to take the dogs out to pee. I can't get him to mow the grass without continuously asking him. He won't do the slightest of things to help around his own home, let alone anything that requires more work like dusting, vacuuming, cooking, etc. He never cares for our baby. He's changed 1 diaper in her 3 month life. He hardly ever holds her or anything. He hardly ever plays with/talks to our 4 year old. He just goes to work, comes home late (often goes to the gym or helps friends do something), sits and plays video games or watches movies and eats the dinner I cook, then he either goes out with friends or stays up really late on the couch while I get the kids in bed and tend to the house. We never have fun times together anymore. I really don't love him anymore. My feelings and attraction to him has drastically dwindled over the years. We've been married for 5 years now. I am constantly depressed and angry. I use to be extremely sad and would complain a lot to DH for help etc. But anymore I'm just resentful, angry, and regretful over my life being this way. I don't hardly complain at all. I just fume and it ends up coming out when my DD gets in trouble. I can't tell you how much I wish he would just care. I wish he would show the slightest bit of appreciation for all that I do. He complains that I don't work and boasts about his work and how he can't wait til I get a job and our income will go up. It's like nothing I do matters. I truly appreciate the work he does and the hours he puts in for all of us. If not for him then I wouldn't be able to care for our girls and the house, things would go to crap and we would be dirt poor. I understand that he's tired alot and wants to relax but seriously?! He can't take a moment to talk to his DD let alone his wife. He can't take a moment to hold his baby, talk to her, or change her diaper. He can't take a moment to hug me, give me a kiss, ask me about my life. He can't take a moment to put his dirty clothes in the hamper. He can't take a moment to tidy up his video games. It's like he gets home and all that matters is that he is fed and gets to do anything he wants (which means nothing that would exert himself physically or mentally). I am just so sick of it. The last time we dtd was when I was about 4 months pregnant. Previous to that, we dtd maybe once every 2 or 3 months and sometimes less. We don't fight much but that's just because we don't communicate much about issues. We talk mainly about his job, his friends, what he wants to do. When we do fight, I always end up angry and express that I hate being married to him and that I want a divorce. He ends up saying well go get one, if you hate me so much, then go get the papers. I reply that I have no where to go, how would I make it, I can't care for the girls and work fulltime and make ends meet, etc, etc. He makes me so angry and so upset. If I can just get through 4 more years of this, then both my DD's will be school and I can get a divorce and have a fulltime job to support my kids. We are hardly making ends meet now that my VA educ benefits are gone and I'm nearly graduated. So I will more than likely have to get a part time job. My mom will babysit for me thank goodness. I just don't know how I'll make it on my own and I'm not sure what to do. I just want to be happy again. I want my daughters to have a father that shows them love and affection and takes time to be with them and play with them. He has no desire (or never speaks of it) for a divorce. He just wants me to stop complaining, stop nagging, stop, stop, stop..... He acts like everything is fine in his little world. He's happy with work, has good friends, gets to go out and do whatever he wants. I NEVER get to do what I want. If I want to do anything without my girls I have to ask him ahead of time and see if he is willing to babysit his own daughters. I NEVER get to sleep in, he does every time he's off. I NEVER get to sit in front of the tv for an entire day. I have to care for my daughters and our house. If it wasn't for me, we would literally be living in a pig sty and my daughter's wouldn't get fed, clothed, bathed, etc. He does nothing to care for his children, his wife, or his home. I am sick of it. Vent over............................
DDINNYC Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Stop threatening divorce unless you really want it and are willing to follow through. I did that with my husband and never really wanted it. Now, he is sick of everything and is asking for a divorce, and I am devastated. You can still save your marriage. Go to counselling, and put in a real effort. At least for your children.
Author amberdawn723 Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 That's the problem though. I do want one but am conflicted because I would end up with nearly nothing and little income to make do when I get divorced. If we had no children, then we would already be divorced I'm certain. I don't even want to save my marriage. I've tried and I'm past it...I don't even care about fixing it anymore. Just need to vent
John Michael Kane Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Is there another man in the picture? Tell the truth.
DDINNYC Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Well, the point is you do have children, and you should try a bit harder for them. You said you tried all options and you are exhausted. Did you actually try MC? If not, then please do, and really make the effort to make changes and rekindle your love. Good luck
Lisa_H Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Bless your heart - I feel for you. Being a stay at home mom is rewarding and tough. You tend to lose yourself in caring for everyone else. Having a husband that is not supportive or helpful makes the stress even more. I know you say you do not want to save your marriage - of course you wouldn't the way it is now. What if you could have your husband back - the man you married - the man you fell in love with? What if he did mow the lawn without being asked? took out the trash without being asked? what if he was involved in family activities and everything became team work and flowed? Would you then want to save your marriage and family? I am saying all of this because I have seen it happen. Even marriages who seem hopeless can do a 180 with the right kind of help. Not all counselors are created equal -- but finding the right fit for you can save your marriage and family. I just want you to look at all your options before you make such a harsh life changing decision for you and your children. 1. Stay in a marriage where you are unhappy and do nothing about it but be miserable. (No one wants that - but some choose to do it) 2. Divorce and struggle to raise your two children, lose time with them because of the hours you will have to work to make ends meet. Lose time with them because they will have visitation with their father. Pay legal fees, go through court battles, struggle with new girlfriends, wife....struggle with finding another relationship yourself. 3. Get the right kind of help and have a happy, healthy, loving and intimate relationship with the man who is the father of your children. It CAN happen. Sorry, I just wanted to point out some of those things. I know you are going through terrible struggles and it is hard to see light at the end of tunnel. Hang in there and I wish you the best with your decision.
Mauschen Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 His Needs Her Needs is the perfect book for your marriage. Also take a peek at marriagebuilders.com. That site goes into a lot of detail about wives who feel neglected and what husbands can do about it. I would read the book and the website, and then sit down (without threatening divorce) and let your husband know how you loved the man you married, you appreciate all he does for you (his work, his paycheck, etc), and that you need to have the man back that you married in order for you to feel like your marriage is a partnership. After you read the book, make an attempt to meet your husbands needs. I realize that you are resentful, but just go through the motions and maybe he will respond. Stop nagging your husband to do things, and work up a plan with him instead (I suggest you read the book FIRST). The book His Needs Her Needs addresses household chores and resentment - you can make a "to do" list with your husband showing your responsibilities and his responsibilities. That way, hopefully you won't have to nag him. I think you 2 can turn things around if he is willing to try also. If he is not willing to try, he is risking the loss of his wife and 2 children, which is a lot to loose.
Steadfast Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 It seems to me that your husband might be as unhappy as you are. His response to your threats of divorce indicate that. Another possibility is he simply doesn't believe you. Males are often territorial; he might feel he has you 'in the bag' because of your financial dependance on him. In other words, he's confident you'll suffer more than he would if you did divorce. Then again, that aspect seems to be the only thing holding you back. Closer to reality, having a family with jobs, young kids, mortgage payments and all that goes with it can quickly turn monotonous. Marriage is work. You are the providers. You wanted it. You have it. Please don't take this as an indication I don't appreciate the problem, but it's time to grow up!! Still, balance in life is important...even (especially?) to busy young adults. You've received some good suggestions here and if I were you I'd look into them. In my opinion, to handle the stress/strain/boredom of everyday life one needs a little joy mixed in...both together, and apart. You should each have a hobby, but just one. Do date nights. Give him something to look forward to and tell him you need the same. It's all about balance. After my divorce, I looked back and clearly remembered when my wife stopped nagging, asking and hinting. I thought it was wonderful! But it wasn't. She had stopped trying. She had stopped caring. And while what she eventually did to us I can't take the blame for, believe me when I say I'd do almost anything to go back in time and do some things over. Boring, stressful or whatever, this is your family, your husband. For better or for worse. And if you think it can't (or won't) get worse, you're mistaken. Before you toss in the towel and become another statistic. Don't give up.
soserious1 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I NEVER get to do what I want. If I want to do anything without my girls I have to ask him ahead of time and see if he is willing to babysit his own daughters. I NEVER get to sleep in, he does every time he's off. I NEVER get to sit in front of the tv for an entire day. I have to care for my daughters and our house. If it wasn't for me, we would literally be living in a pig sty and my daughter's wouldn't get fed, clothed, bathed, etc. He does nothing to care for his children, his wife, or his home. I am sick of it. Vent over............................ From where I sit you get to "do what you want" quite frequently and in a very big way. You have two small children whom I will assume you wanted? You have the freedom to work... or not work at paid employment, you have the freedom to take time and energy away from your home and kids to go to school to get a degree.. an education that you are talking about NOT using to help your bread winning husband support your brood. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership.. how can you rag on him for not being a full partner on the domestic front when you refuse to be one on the bread winning front? It sounds to me like your husband has a lot of bottled up resentments about all of this himself, I'd make an appt for marriage counseling and start talking to each other, I'm betting you're both at the breaking point with each other... it might save your marriage.
Empty man Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I am not good at suggestions, But I feel, understand why your husband is like that and I see he does not feel anything wrong about it. If you are nice to him at this situation, he will think he is lucky to get a wife like you. If you nag, he won't appreciate what you are doing. He would think, his work and all your work equals. 1) be nice to him, give him some work to do slowly. Can you hold the baby, I have to go for manicure. Give him some manly work. some thing to fix. 2) ask him for more money, spend on some nice clothes, under wear, he won't say no for it. 3) You get a job(very important to be independent, good for your mind, you get to go out, break from your kids), ask him for suggestions like how can we manage kids, house hold work when you starts working. 4) He has to spend more time with kids to love them. 4 of you go and meet his friends family. do some thing together. He would love it I am suggesting with very limited knowledge. You take it easy, you seem to have a good man but you need to learn the way to turn the situation as you want. Take care of your looks, way your dress in front of him, your health other wise do not be surprised when your man finds a unmarried girl just for an affair.
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