sleepykitten Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Well, after being dumped 4 weeks ago, no contact for only a week, what seems like an endless struggle, heartache etc, there was no warning he had changed in so far as he wasnt as "into"it as he once was despite proclaiming how much he loved me wanted it to work etc. All through our relationship i have had some niggles about things and wanted your opinions, now i dont have a great relationship with my mum, but he does which is good, but i think i may have been dating a bit of a mummys boy- he is 36, lives at home since he split up with his previous g/f, so has been there 3 yrs (before that he lived with her and her sister and sisters husband) his mum does all his washing, ironing, puts it away, strips, washes irons bedding and re makes his single bed I heard him once call her Mummy when he wanted to get he attention and show her a photo of him swimming with a whale They have held hands in public walking down the rd He earns anough to be renting or even buying a place yet apys them 200 a month, not even then when he stayed at mine, his mum said not to bother I paid all the bills, he didnt "live" with me but stayed over 5 nights a week, he didnt ever offer to contribute He hasnt ever really had a long term relationship, or spent much time on his own. Am i crazy to have been trying to make that relationship work!! just would appriciate any thoughts...please....
wny Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Well, after being dumped 4 weeks ago, no contact for only a week, what seems like an endless struggle, heartache etc, there was no warning he had changed in so far as he wasnt as "into"it as he once was despite proclaiming how much he loved me wanted it to work etc. Am i crazy to have been trying to make that relationship work!! just would appriciate any thoughts...please.... I think you answered your own questions just in the presentation of where this man is at in his life at this point. Good intentions to "make things work" are nice, but the hard work investing in a mature relationship is another matter altogether. He's in way over his head, and he dragging you down with him. Understand the only relationship he really seems to have any experience with is one with his mother. Familial bonds typically come with the assurance of permanence -- no matter how you act or don't grow as a person, your family will still accept you almost always. Relationships with others don't come with that guarantee. So when someone still living at home and having their needs met for them enters into a relationship, they assume the other person is likely to fall into the same parameters or "frame." It's what they know. It sounds like you idealized a relationship where he grew as a person, with you, and all would eventually sort itself out. Maybe it would, but only after a very long time, and him actually living with you. What was the triggering event that led to the break? With people like him, it's often pressure or an ultimatum to take the relationship to a different level -- move in with you, get a better paying job, or meet some other threatening goal. So long as he has mummy as a fallback, it's easier to run away from change than confronting it. Another possible factor is that mom is a controller. I had a close friend who feigned independence but was in reality under the thumb of his mother, who used a series of control measures like guilt, emotional pain, and turning his fears about himself against him (you are acting just like your father who left) to keep him around and destroy relationships that would ultimately lead to his leaving. His only break was relocating 300 miles away. There are two courses of action -- he steps up or you move on. You need to carefully separate your idealized view of him with the reality of who he is right now. You can't fix him, he has to fix himself.
OhMittens Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I think you should count yourself lucky for dodging that bullet and go onto greener pastures.
FeelingSmall Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Wow, I don't know... That's weird, holding hands walking down the street? Calling her mummy? He's 36?? She does all his laundry, even takes care of and makes his bed??? My question is are you looking to adopt a son, or do you want a partner? I can't see this guy being capable of having an adult relationship. ... SO weird... I don't think you're crazy, very hopeful, not crazy.
Author sleepykitten Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I cant tell you how much it helps to have someone else that i dont know say its wierd. WNY-things had changed after our first yr, he stopped doing those small things that mean alot, and the big things, and yes i had mentioned moving in, renting, he said "its a lot of money for not getting anything back" then later that week, we rowed about me going to the estate agent when he thought i was going to stay in and drunkenly over the phone shouted he didnt want to move in with me it wasnt right. I had stopped doing all of the cooking and washing of his clothes by then as i felt he needed to pull his weight a bit!
Author sleepykitten Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Oh and felling small-yes she even stripped, washed ironed his sheets and re made the bed (single) and if it had been freshly done (i am laughing now) and we went there for the night he would sniff it and say "ahh smell "and look all happy and proud as i sniffed the fabric conditioned newly washed bedding!!
Author sleepykitten Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Its so annoying, as he really thinks he is sorted and together and thinks himself "in a very lucky position" to be living at home, i'd understand if he was saving loads but he didnt not by a long shot. He wants to one day get married and have kids-obviously not with me but i dont understand what it was that i did that made him want to throw it all away- was it because i stopped "mothering him" and didnt cook as much, do his washing and ironing, i stood up for myself alot and challenged him, i think i also told him he was a man child! well.....i had had a few glasses of wine!
FeelingSmall Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Yeah, you're not crazy at all, and I don't think it was anything you did in particular, you're not his mother. This guy will probably either settle down with someone EXACTLY like mummy, OR will stay at home forever. I dunno, I ran screaming from home the moment I was capabe... I couldn't imagine still living at home now. I especially couldn't imagine being proud of my bedding being washed by my mom... So weird... Keep laughing and just think about this as a great story to tell the girls . You sound pretty cool, I seriously doubt you wil have a hard time finding someone looking for a girlfriend instead of a parental figure. Now I'm going to go out and get a botte of wine, you gave me a great idea.
Author sleepykitten Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Sugarkane-that made me laugh out loud! I know-he was trying to get her attention to show her a photo, he was all proud and excited and called out "mummy look"! my eyes did widen in horror...when i called him up on it a few weeks later, he said...oh i didnt mean it, it was said tongue in cheek.....er and the holding hands...?
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